New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Black Swans”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Everything Dies storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5 – “Black Swans”! In the previous installment, with Captain America out of the picture, the New Avengers team prepares to try to blow up the incursion event or look for the alternate reality Infinity Gems or something, I forget what they actually settled on. They have only five hours, and if that doesn’t work, Stephen Strange has a backup plan that’s so horrible that he won’t even talk about it. He’s planning on staying back and dying.

All well and good, but upon arrival on the doomed alternate Earth they discover Galactus destroying New York City, and some blowjob named Terrax who tries to reason with the Avengers team. The Avengers team can’t be reasoned with, so a big time-wasting battle ensues.

These Illuminati guys are deceptively dumb. Maybe Tony Stark will fall on his dick, hit a button, and activate the “Stop Incursion Forever” sequence.

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [June, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Black Swans”

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Is that a BUTT that I see on the cover? Nice!

“So you’re finally ready to hear real answers.”

That’s Black Swan, still captive in Necropolis, talking to a desperate Reed Richards.

“But do not come to me like this, a keeper to his captive. If you want my help, you have to ask me properly. Or not at all.”

Ha! Who’s got the upper hand now, bitch? Richards tries to play it cool, but I can tell inside that he’s absolutely seething with testosterone-fueled defensive white guy rage. “I do want your help. I have no ego about these things, and I have no trouble asking…”

Feh! Black swan says “Feh!” at you sir. There have, in fact, been two incursions since he’s been held captive here at the dumb Necropolis, and everyone lives to tell the tale! And living is pretty good! She’s in it for the living. No strings attached. Just the not dying in a catastrophic colliding universe calamity part is all she asks. She proves this by punching a crack in the Prison Cube! Rawr!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Get me one of them little bone-shaped dog tags.

Good enough! You passed the test! Richards and T’Challa let her out of the Giant Ice Cube. “Cracking the cell wall was impressive,” compliments T’Challa, “you’re stronger than Reed estimated.” Well, yeah, Reed is the dumbest guy she’s met on Earth so far!

T’Challa puts a leash on her and tells her to be good, so we all know how that will work out for everyone. She scoffs, says she can not be kept like *points to a guy on a stone throne* this knucklehead over here.

The guy on the stone throne is that Terrax guy. He looks like he’s waiting patiently for something.

I guess we’ll see how that fight from the end of Issue #4 played out. That was already a week ago! I guess no one died. They all look quite determined to murder one another. That’s cool.

Terrax cleaves Iron Man right in the face with his scythe, which would kill anything, but Iron Man gets right up and takes a nice, long drag from a cigarette. Off panel. I’m sure.

Next, Terrax flings Richards off his back. Then T’Challa leaps on him and tries to stab his upper back with a knife, but Terrax flings T-Challa off of him as well!

And, hold up, he’s not fucking done with Iron Man yet. Want more scythe to the face, Robot Boy?

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

I will slice and dice you with my comically large and non-aerodynamic butcher knife!

Take some of that, you soused alcoholic smarty man!

Terrax prepares another blow while Ironing Man revs up his blasty hands. Before Terrax can take another swing, the strong, silent Black Bolt grabs his arm, twists him around, and…yells in his face really loudly? I gotta be honest, I don’t know the first thing about Black Bolt. He’s powerful and he can’t talk, that’s all. OK, so I know the first two things.

Anyway, Black Bolt’s huffin’ and puffin’ sends Terrax flying to the ground. He looks hurt.

Galactus stands in the center of a giant, red, smoldering crater that was once Bizarro New York City.

Beast gives everyone a thumbs-up, and the Avengers team flies/hovers back to their own Earth.

And I guess they all just jerked off for the next seven days before bugging Black Swan for help.

“Are you holding out hope that a servant of a World Eater is going to tell you how to save a planet– to save your planet? Is that why you brought him back with you?” Black Swan asks, face punchable with smugness and self-satisfaction.

HERE’S WHAT I KNOW: Galactus is a World Eater. Terrax is a servant of a World Eater. The Avengers are a team of smelly humans. Black Swan is a Black Swan. None of this means anything to me.

Black Swan tells the full team that, for starters, they all have no fuckin’ clue what it is that they are actually dealing with.

“Why don’t you tell us, then?” says Strange.
“Who is this man?” Black Swan asks with utter disdain. lol.

Doctor Stephen Strange stands up with crisp dignity as if it’s his time to shine! He introduces himself and lays out his boring credentials. “PTOO!” spits Black Swan, literally. You go girl!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Fuckin’ A, lady. The rest of them suck, too, you’ll see soon enough.

Namor pops a boner. “Seems she’s got you pegged, Stephen. I like her.”

Finally, after several pages of wheel-spinning, Richards demands that she just tells them what she knows they don’t know so that they can know it and move on already.

But, the wheels still spin. “Heh. A virtually infinite amount of knowledge in the multiverse and you want to know what you don’t know…” she laughs.

Looks like Issue #5 is a big bottle episode, my friends.

Richards tells her to start at the beginning. She seems to understand this. Let’s go.

“There was everything.” Picture of a star.
“Followed by nothing.” Star explodes.
“A swirling, gaping maw that swallowed life-giving suns.” Swirling cosmic drain.
“And then…we cowered in the night.” Blackness.

Cool fucking story. Hey, we have like ten minutes before everything is ruined. Do you need to go back in your Cube?

Well, Richards asked for the beginning, and the beginning he certainly got. Now, Black Swan moves onto her beginning. She was four years old…

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Aha! Now we’re finally getting somewhere!… maybe

The Keeper of the Great Key, huh? Sounds positively important! “The key unlocked the city’s – our planet’s – greatest treasure, a library of worlds. A gift from Sinnu Sarrum, the Ivory Kings.”

So this Dadingra kid, Black Swan’s bro, he had the key. He could open the door. But he couldn’t navigate the library. Only the trained can navigate the library. Dewey Decimal System and all that.

“Legend said that only the Great Ladies – whom none of our people had ever seen – could find their way through the twisted paths between worlds.”

Apparently, this kid used the key to open the door every single day hoping these “Great Ladies” would appear. Probably because he thought he’d get a little action too, baby. Nothing more alluring than a door that leads to some great ladies.

But then, one day, the dang sky turned red. These mofos, known as the Black Priest, descended from the sky and slaughtered the whole lot of ‘em! Everyone! Except the Black Swan. She ain’t dead yet.

So how did Black Swan Yabbat Ummon Tarru McNulty Fauntleroy get away with it? She took the key, opened the door, and she saw a few Great Ladies!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Squid-Head doesn’t seem that great to me.

The Great Ladies give Blackie Swan the skinny: her world was an offering to the Great Destroyer, Rabum Alal. I told myself during my Issue #3 rundown to make a note of that name because it might be important. Good for me!

So these three Great Goddamn Black Swans raise the little ugly duckling into the beautiful Black Swan you see before you, gentlemen. And furthermore, sh–

“Wait. Swans. There are more of you?” Richards rudely interrupts right before she gets to the good part (arguably). Don’t interrupt, fool. Anyway, duh. And second of all, it doesn’t matter. “The Swans scattered.” The library of worlds is destroyed.

BOOOOORRING! Tony Stark is bored now! Tony Stark is gettin’ cranky! “Your bad fiction skipped several billion years, give or take. What I want to know is what caused all of this to happen?”

OK, well, sir, she already mentioned Rabum Alal. He was born. That’s what caused all of this to happen. “At his birth, the early death of everything began. So we offer him his Earths, an offering, that the many may live for a season longer. Wardum Uggae.”

Namor’s turn to get pissed. “Those are not answers. It’s gibberish,” he whines. Fairy tales for children. Namor is no child, no matter what everyone says! “Tell me something real.”

Black Swan says it’s all real. Every last fucking fairy tale is true. “The incursions never stop, not until your world dies– not until everything dies. This is all there is.”

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #5

Yeah dummy. Pay attention.

However, contrary to literally everything that’s been said so far, stopping these incursions is actually pretty easy lmao. “Simply evacuate this world and then destroy it completely. It has been done many, many times before.” Easy peasy! Evacuate this dumb Earth. Elon Musk is trying to colonize Mars, start lining people up.

“YOU,” she turns to Beast, sizing him up. “The Beast is a name well known in the great game of worlds.” Apparently, in every universe that ever exists, Henry McCoy is the key! How very important. Good thing Professor Xavier died. Beast has an opportunity to take the “eighth option” to end the incursions. It’s a coward’s way, this eighth option, but the New Avengers are nothing if not useless cowards. This option is called “Shading the Apocalypse”, which is my favorite yo-yo trick.

Mr. Richards, always one to waste time, wants to try the other seven options first! T’Challa speaks up for the first time during this whole conversation. He doesn’t like this monochrome lass one bit. “I watched you kill a world,” he says accusingly, which obviously really weakened a once strong trust. Black Swan moves on, unphased by Black Panther-related stalling.

She calls their little palm tracking devices cute. A good start. She has something similar too, IN HER GODDAMNED EYEBALLS. So she can see incursions coming a million miles away! And guess what, fam? The next incursion is happening in only a few minutes. Good thing y’all spent an eternity talking about a whole lot of nothing.

The Avengers all look at each other with vapid “well shit” expressions.

Black Swan’s special incursion-sensing contact lenses already detect Rabum Alal’s presence.

The Avengers stare at their palms and attempt to triangulate the location. And they discover it. And it means nothing to me, but it’s the cliffhanger of a lifetime for some people I bet.

“It’s Latveria.”

Final Thoughts

Latveria isn’t even real. It’s a red herring. You guys are supposed to know things.


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Paper Girls, Issue #7

Paper Girls, Issue #7

* Part 2 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 2 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #7! In the previous installment, the three girls who are currently accounted for, Erin, Mac, and Tiff, they landed in the future, which is actually the present, which is actually the past. Their future. My past. The present as this series was released! That puts us right in the summer of 2016, when everyone was still laughing that Trump wouldn’t win a presidential election! Ha ha! It’s funny that we can laugh at that now, right? Everyone? Hello?

They bump into the 40-year-old version of Erin, who is anxious and neurotic and snippy. She remembers nothing about all this time-travel she did as a 12-year-old. She only offers to help out of complete apprehension, but perks up a bit when Young Erin shows her an Apple device that seems more futuristic than 2016 technology!

She’s going to log into it with her Apple ID. If it’s anything like my Apple ID login attempts, she’ll get locked out and have to reset her password over and over again until she gives up.

Paper Girls, Issue #7 [July, 2016]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Oh yeah, I forgot. And a girl WHO LOOKS LIKE ERIN but speaks the alien gibberish descends down to Cleveland and kills someone right away with crazy time-warp powers. That is something I want to know more about. NOW. I should’ve put this part in the intro section, but it’s here now instead because I feel like getting a little experimental with my format. Breaking out of my own mold.

“The present is not a gift”

Amen, sister. This issue begins with a young girl walking alone in the rain. She looks like Tiff with tight cornrows and a shirt that says “JUSTICE FOR TAMIR RICE AND JOHN CRAWFORD”. Both of these happened in Ohio, and no justice yet! After a now-familiar hum, she spots something hitherto unknown in the river. She snaps a photo of it with her phone. I’m sure we’ll find out in a moment what it is! Hold your horses!

A young girl who looks like Erin comes running up to the young girl who looks like Tiff speaking squiggly. Not-Tiff asks Not-Erin if she saw the same thing, but Not-Tiff can’t understand any of her crazy talk! So Not-Erin pushes a button on this cool Babel Fish collar she’s wearing and starts speaking English instead. “I was saying, you should delete that right now, or the old-timers will poison your brain until you’ve forgotten your own–”

Not-Erin is interrupted by a rather large rowboat suddenly crashing down onto the street next to where they’re standing.

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Boats are falling from the sky again! Damn this hellish future we live in!

“RUUUUN!” Not-Tiff yells, ruuuuning. Not-Erin doesn’t move, she stares wistfully in the direction of where the boat had supposedly come from. Then she talks into her Star Trek wrist communicator: “Now that I’m in synch, my field shouldn’t accidentally hurt more civilians,” this Not-Erin Erin-looking Erin-impersonator says Erinly to some jerk, probably, “And, as you can tell, I’ve picked up the local dialect, so I’m definitely on the right point in the ‘line.” Ha, the kids are shortening the word “timeline” these days. I’ll have to make note of that next time I’m checking out my friends’ Facebook ‘lines. Heh.

“Unfortunately, I think I may have brought along a stowaway,” she reports, referring to the thing Not-Tiff took a photo of, which looks like it might be a giant squid? I sure hope so!

Let’s head back to the house of Single, Old, Washed-Up Erin, eh? She’s glued to a map she’s got projecting into her mind, or so she claims. The other three are less than thrilled about the 3D view of Stony Stream that Old-Erin is currently “seeing” on her 19th Generation iPod Touch, but are going along with it at any rate. For now.

Tiff wonders if the map will help them find KJ. Young Erin wonders if the map will help them find 1988. Old Erin wonders if the bottle of Xanax she’s pulling out of her pocket will help her find tranquility. Young Erin thinks she’s taking rude drugs!

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Just steer clear of the Viibryd, m’kay?

Anyway, back on track here. Old Erin scopes out the “map” and finds a highlighted route leading to a dot called “The First Folding”. Sounds promising, right? You kids feel kind of folded up, right? Maybe just one folding? Let’s start there! It’s at the old mall. You kids like malls, right? Orange Julius and Mervyn’s? Mervyn’s was a thing in 1988, I know that much.

Well, Old Erin’s gonna go by herself. No point in dragging three minors to some weird “First Folding” nonsense! Here, she’ll leave some Xanax for y’all. Go nuts.

“So you’re planning to find KJ on your own? What does she even look like?” Young Erin challenges her older self to a game of “who is KJ” and young-she knows that old-she’s gonna lose! Older people are dumb.

Old Erin starts to get defensive about this. Listen, kid, this whole thing happening right here and right now may be your current present or something, but Old Erin remembers quitting that paper route almost 30 years ago and she never saw any of these kids at school, remember? Different schools? Hello? Why would she give a shit now? It’s not like any of them kept in touch or anything. Jesus. Where’s that Xanax??

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Not just your asses. You’ve got six other orifices you can stick your thumbs in. Have fun!

Young Erin points out that she already made her point for her. Old Erin needs to bring her to be able to identify KJ. “If anybody asks, you can just say I’m your daughter,” she says, like anyone’s going to fucking believe that shit.

Old Erin groans as another ulcer forms, then agrees to bring Young Erin and only Young Erin. Then the other two complain, as you can see ← thataway. This is when Old Erin snaps again, tells Tiff that life’s not fair. And fuck off. Basically. Then she storms into another room, leaving the three of them stewing in an awkward silence.

“I’m so sorry, you guys,” Young Erin here trying to keep the only friends she’s made in months, “I think I grow up to be mentally insane.”
“I’m glad you said it,” Mac responds without a single sprinkle of coated sugar.

So is she fibbin’ about the map? Is this lady off her rocker? Lost her marbles? Does she need her NES cartridge blown?

Young Erin advises the other two to take the bikes out of the garage and search for someone who can actually help them. Like, maybe their older counterparts are still in town and not all messed up and batty and weird and alone and miserable. Meanwhile, the two Erins are gonna check out this Final Folding. Maybe they can get one more fold out of it!

“Plus, somebody needs to keep an eye on myself,” says Young Erin, rather dramatically.

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Won’t someone think of the children?!

Let’s see what’s currently going on with the third Erin! She’s chasing down a car in the rain, hailing it like a taxi. But it isn’t a taxi, it’s one of those futuristic taxis where normal everyday people are the taxi drivers! Strange, I know.

Not-Erin, as you can see, is trying to convince this random lady to give her a ride. She is cut off by the sound of a very loud ululation! Like this: “uuuuuuuuuuuuuu”. And it’s emerging from a giant tardigrade standing in the river. Not the giant squid like I’d hoped, but a giant tardigrade is way creepier. Those things are supposed to be microscopic. This one is easily 12 stories tall. Yuck.

The Uber driver is quite paralyzed with shock, and Not-Erin insists that they need to get the hell out of there. “I imagine it’s terribly hungry,” she says, calmly enough.

But there’s another one nearby!

“OUOUOUOUOUOUOU” says the other tardigrade. It makes a good point. This tardigrade is kind of purple. The other one is blue. They probably want to do some very public tardigrade bonin’ very soon, and that won’t be good for anybody.

Nope, scratch that. The purple one starts bloodily tearing into the blue one with its crazy-long tardigrade claws.

The Uber woman has gotten out of the car to get a better look, but Not-Erin works on pushing her back in. “When that one finishes digesting its friend, I’m hoping it’ll go into cryptobiosis. If not, we don’t want to be here.”

Not-Erin sure knows a lot about tardigrades and cryptobiosis and a lot of other things that sound smart. This comic is too smart for me. I gotta go back to Nightwing.

The woman asks how this girl is so calm, but she’s not answering any questions right now. “I need you to take me about thirty minutes from here. To an establishment called Stony Gate Mall.”

I’m sensing a Triple Erin Meetup in the very near future.

The other two Erins are on their way to the closed mall. Young Erin is sad that the mall is closed; in complete disbelief that even the Waldenbooks is gone. Oh man, I’ve been there, sister! I’m still mad that Waldenbooks left my mall, and that was easily 20 years ago!

Paper Girls, Issue #7

I’m telling ya, you have to keep that almanac away from Biff Tannen.

I think the closed bookstore caused Young Erin to snap just a tad too far. “This time… I think it’s all wrong,” she says quite plainly. Good luck trying to change anything, though. You can’t even find the First Folding! Let alone other foldings. Let’s keep going.

“Spencer’s Gifts is gone, but that doesn’t mean things are post-apocalyptic. You just happened to catch me at a weird time,” Old Erin tells her younger counterpart. “I can only imagine what must be going through your head. Seeing that we wind up being some fat unwed loser with a dead-end job…”

Tom (Writes About Stuff) would frankly pay a lot of money to be a fat unwed loser with a dead-end job right now. If even just temporarily. It sounds pretty sweet actually.

“You are not fat, idiot! Gross, that sounds like something Dad would say,” snaps Young Erin, still full of life and gusto and a belly no longer crawling with robot bugs. Plus, she thinks her older self has a cool haircut…and she’s wearing a nice shirt. PLUS, the unmarried part doesn’t sounds bad at all. Kinda nice actually!

So she gets a hug. Stop hugging yourself. It’s awkward. It gets awkward. She stops hugging herself. It got awkward.

It’s a good thing the inhuman wailing of a 900,000 lb tardigrade breaks the silence! Or is it something else making the “UUUUUUUU” sound? It’s coming from the mall, so it’s probably not the tardigrade. Unless it’s trying to loot what’s left of the Hot Topic or something.

Paper Girls, Issue #7

Just wait until you see a Tesla. You’re going to want to take a big dump right on top of it.

Mac and Tiff are biking across town. Tiff is going ga-ga over all the futuristic stuff on the streets, like that car over there, or maybe that sign over there. Mac doesn’t give a shit. That don’t impress her much. Oh oh oh-oh.

They see a Hillary Clinton campaign sign. Tiff can’t believe her FUCKING eyes! A lady president! The future is great! Too bad this is July, 2016, and if only Tiff knew how bleak it would get in four months. Mac’s realistically cynical. I won’t go into why. I think you can picture it.

Tiff asks why Mac has to be such a jerk.
Mac asks Tiff why she has to be so cheerful.

Well, Mac, because the world still exists in 2016. “Every single paper we ever delivered was about another war or another plague or another meltdown, but it turns out everything’s going to be–”

What? Devastating? Ruinous? Disastrous? Cataclysmic? Mortifying? *checks thesaurus.com* Wretched?

“Whoa,” says Mac with dinner-plate eyes, cutting off Tiff’s train of thought, “what happened to my house?”

“It’s all…nice,” she says, trembling with intimidation. Hell no, she doesn’t want to meet her future self. Not at all. Even if Mac and Tiff agreed to try Old Mac first, fuck that shit. What if she, like, knits or something? Or has three kids? Or owns a big yoga ball? Yuck.

Taking a deep breath, Mac bites the bullet and rings the doorbell. A bald man with a goatee who probably isn’t Mac, but who knows, answers the door. “¿Puedo ayudarte?” he asks.

Tiff speaks Spanish! I don’t, but I think I can translate reasonably well: she asks him if his huevos are grande! Also, if the Coyle family lives there. The Coyle family no longer lives there. They bought the house from the previous family way back in ‘92. His huevos, though, are grande.

“Wait, they moved?” Mac asks, stunned.
“Right after their daughter passed, God bless. Leukemia, I think.”

Well that’s a fucking buzzkill, man.

Tiff looks at Mac. She’s emotionless.

“Okay then. We’ll be sure to update their subscription information,” Mac responds vaguely.

Final Thoughts

Bummer. Pretty dark shit. It must suck to go to the future as a kid and learn that you died of cancer when you were 16.

I’ll be sure not to do that.


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Sucky Funnies for July 10, 2022

The planet is rife with misery and chaos! Climate change is inevitable in my lifetime. Putin isn’t going to stop killing Ukrainians until he’s dead or they’re all dead. Congress keeps getting packed with braindead representatives who believe that there are tracking chips lodged up their noses and mind-control chips in their Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Elon Musk will eventually knock up every single woman on Earth, consensually or otherwise.

But at least we have the rib-tickling antics of Blondie and Mallard Fillmore to take our minds off of the atrocities of this Hell Planet!

Blondie

Blondie - July 10, 2022

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Ugghhhh, read the room, Blondie. Are you seeing any of the societal progress happening around you in the 21st century, or we still stuck in 1948 where you can exchange your wife for a toaster at the pawn shop. It’s like, hey Dagwood, while you were spending the day sucking dicks in the dick-sucking mines, Blondie was cramming 79 hours of work into a totally shitty 8 hour day with the constant reminder that she’s married to you, you magician-looking pointy-haired sack of shit.

So stay in that fucking tub until you die of starvation.

G Bruce Hollett: “How long has the fridge been out? Most will keep food safe for 25 hours or so.”
Do Tell: “It’s also probably not a good time to tell Dagwood that today is Sunday, and he is entitled to the day off.”
Chip Cayer: “You’d think as a caterer, she’d have lots of leftover food available all the time to have for dinner.”

You all have brainworms. Every last one of you.

Mother Goose & Grimm

Mother Goose & Grimm - July 10, 2022

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This reminded me of TWO things. First, Jayne Mansfield getting decapitated after her driver plowed into the back of a semitruck. Second, James Byrd Jr. getting tied to a pickup truck and dragged for miles by white supremacists.

In either case, Grimmy has some hard times ahead of him.

Wirepunchr: “It looks like you are going to get rolled over.”

THANK you, Wirepunchr! That’s an upvote from me, my good man!

Mallard Fillmore

Mallard Fillmore - July 10, 2022

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Saved the best for last! Finally, after two instances where Mallard Fillmore was conspicuously absent in my Sucky Funnies feature, here he is, finally, in all his glory, treating us with the People’s Eyebrow for three panels.

While I’m proud of Mallard Fillmore because he found a way to sympathize with a younger generation without sneering about Kids These Days™; dare I say, even embracing the situation, I’m going to have to call bullshit on Loren Fishman’s grasp of technology timelines. This dumb duck holding an iPod with a click wheel, a feature that had been already discontinued from iPods since 2014 by the way, thinks that these devices are Gen Z-era technology? Please, these kids have been watching Spongebob on their iPhones since they were eight years old and getting all their music from Spotify and Youtube. The iPod is a total Gen X / Millennial music player.

Millennials and their Walkmans? Fair enough, but Gen X enjoyed those for longer and you didn’t even mention them.

I don’t have any real funny commentary for this today! I predict that the lovely individuals in the comments section are going to be able to boringly wax nostalgic about their own music playing devices while simultaneously bitching about how Obama ruined their lawns with space lasers.

Blue_Fez: “AAA says properly inflated tires can save drivers, 3 cents a gallon. I say properly counted votes can save drivers $3 a gallon.”
Certiorll: “I don’t understand all the hoopla regarding the ten-year-old insurrectionist no one, including the Washington Post, can find. Brandon himself said the little girl was (understandably) fleeing the sniffer and wanted to end his presidency.”
SATX2CCFL: “DeSantis Reacts to Newsom’s Targeting of Florida: ‘California is Driving People Away With Terrible Governance’”
SageGrouse: “Nah, let ’em laugh. THEN hand them a dial phone and say “Make a call.” Or give ’em a Walkman and say “Play something on that!”… they CAN’T! Heck. most can’t even read cursive or tel time on a clock with hands! let ’em mock! Better still……. hand ’em a SLIDE RULE”

Good thing the future of our country will no longer be in the hands of these people.

On behalf of the entire Millennial generation, I give all future generations FULL PERMISSION to vaporize us off the planet when we hit 60 years old. Deal? Good. Because we’re going to be too completely clouded with nostalgia about Space Jam and Waffle Crisp to be of any use to anyone.


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Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6 – “The Remains of Krypton”

* Part 6 of 12 of the Superman: Birthright limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: Birthright, Issue #6 – “The Remains of Krypton”! In the previous installment, Clark Kent, as Superman, gets to talk face-to-face with his old buddy Lex Luthor! Now he’s worried that the smartest man in the world will be able to figure out his secret identity (and the fact that even this guy won’t figure it out tells me that Luthor ain’t that smart in the first place). The aftermath of the scary terrorist copter scenario lands Clark a job at the Daily Planet, with Lois Lane showing him the ropes.

Lex Luthor has a large piece of kryptonite stored at one of his facilities in Colorado. He’s gonna fucking stab a dude with it.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6 [March, 2004]
Written by: Mark Waid
“The Remains of Krypton”

Superman: Birthright: Issue #6

Time to go hunting for some skeleton bones! Helmet-y skulls with snakes coming out! How very Aladdin and the King of Thieves. Magic carpet rides. Genie lamps. Mark Waid’s gonna get avantgarde with the Superman story at this point!

Hardly. We are dropped in the middle of a school shooting, which was still uncommon in 2003 but I think it happens every 20 minutes nowadays? No one was killed yet, of course, since this is DC Comics and no innocent person will ever die. Plus, Superman has already entered the building, really roughing up the perpetrators! Giving them noogies and Hertz donuts.

Windows break from the inside, and all the reporters scream and shout thinking they’re getting rained on by bullets. But it’s just a pile of half-melted guns. Soon, Superman drags these two angry teenage scoundrels out of the building. One has purple hair, that’s how you know he’s bad.

One reporter yells for his attention, but Superman has already left. I hope there’s someone to detain these kids! I like to imagine they scurried back into the school like squirrels as soon as Superman let go of them.

This manly superhero manly man is already at a seedy guns/ammunition store where a bearded, heavily tattooed, Confederate flag-havin’, missing teeth, pants zipper down motherfucker is watching the news broadcast. “The boys said they bought those weapons from you,” says our caped crusader with his SERIOUS FACE on. This gross loser is like “BUH? HUBUB! RUHUBAH!? I don’t know what you’re talking about! BRPABRA! UBRUHEBRUB! SQUAK! WOOF!”, but Superman knows he’s lying. He can hear the hammering of his pulse in his testicles.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

I dun know what yer talkin’ ‘bout! I just sell meth here! I swear!

“One minute ago, I saw a little girl screaming because she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She was nine, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.”

Superman punches a display case, grabs a gun, and shoots right at this guy’s face. lmao

This guy fills his underwear with Natural Ice and Hormel Chili diarrhea.

…and it’s revealed that Superman caught the bullet two inches from the guy’s nose.

“Now you will, too.”

And he ties this guy up and hangs him on the wall for the police to find. Another day saved again! DOOT DOO DOOOOOOOO….DOOT DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Later, we see a genuine Clark Kent article about the apprehension of the gun store owner by none other than faster-than-a-speeding-bullet Superman! This guy has to artificially boost his own reputation. Hack.

But then, fellow reporter Peter Hu publishes an article advising the public to be wary of this new child molester who calls himself Superman. He’s only been in the neighborhood for five days. No one knows his real agenda yet.

“SUPERMAN: Hero or vigilante? Where do you stand? Vote!
-Yes. He’s proven himself.
-No, I don’t trust him”

Clark scans this online article, with the above user voting box at the bottom, with doleful discouragement. “Anyone know where Lois is?” he asks the room. The guy in the neighboring cubicle points behind him. “Same place she is every morning at 8:45am.”

Hitting the vending machine with a baseball bat? Snorting coke off the bathroom toilet? Neither, as it turns out! She’s in Perry White’s office bugging the everloving shit out of him, complaining about the sloppy integrity and poor writing of her colleagues while he tries to drown her out with an electric pencil sharpener. She criticizes the photography, the secondary sources, the editing, and he’s sharpening 50 pencils to their nubs, looking like a gunshot through his own brain would be sweet relief.

White’s writing a pros and cons list of whether to keep Lois or fire her.

PRO: best writer… CON: …no boundaries.
PRO: good interviewer… CON: …despite inability to listen.
PRO: 3 Pulitzer nominations… CON: …17 lawsuits.
PRO: won’t take “no” for an answer… CON: …won’t take “no” for an answer.
PRO: no good place to hide her body…

Looks like Lois is gonna stay! Jimmy comes into the office, but White’s on a phone call.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

ARE YOU THE ONE POOPING IN THE URINALS??

The call was Lex Luthor’s office. They extended an invitation to Clark Kent for a meet and greet with the Big Bald Bossman himself and he turned down the offer twice? What the fuck, kid?

“Luthor is one of the most important figures in this city, one of the most innovative inventors in the world, he requested to be interviewed – and you didn’t jump at it? Kid, what planet are you from?”

Heh heh. Well, uh…

White instructs Lois to get the fuck out of his office and drag Clark to Lexcorp. Right now.

So they do.

“You can tell Perry I know the ropes by now. I realize you’re sick of ‘babysitting’ me,” Clark grumbles as they pass through the entrance of Lex Luthor’s Big Bald Building. She agrees, but she has also been itching to fight with Lex, so for now she’s still getting involved.

Now it’s Lois’ turn to grumble. She’s still upset that the Peter Hu Superman story suggested, even endorsed, fear. NO ONE knows more about Superman than she does! Not Peter Hu! Not Perry White! Not Clark Kent! Bitter bitter bitter. Like so much tea.

They flash their press passes to the desk secretary as Lois talks about how much she would stake her reputation on the opinion that he’s trustworthy. The secretary calls Superman hot, and Lois almost agrees on autopilot before snapping back to tell the secretary to buzz them in. I think I see Clark’s face getting a little red! So cute, sir!

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

Wrong, that woman was talking about Luther Vandross and his sweet, sweet voice.

In his office, Lex Luthor is ranting about wanting to trademark a vaccine for AIDS. Not copyright! Trademark, goddamnit. Clark extends his hand to Lex: “Hello, Lex. It’s been a long time since Smallville,” he says, but Lex keeps his arms folded bitch-style. “Mr. Kent, I’m not familiar with ‘Smallville’. If you’re claiming that you and I have met before – that makes the second time you’ve lied about me this week.”

Off to a great start! Is it chilly in here? Seems kind of chilly.

LEX LUTHOR WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE! “I asked you here for two reasons. First, to let you know how displeased I was with your story regarding the helicopter attack on Metropolis. You accused me of being somehow responsible.”

Certainly, in person, Clark Kent ain’t so quick to be confrontational! He backpedals and points out that he merely just made the Lexcorp connection, but Lex bares his teeth. Clark’s “insinuation was quite clear” and “not at all amusing”.

Meh, whatever, journalists be journaling, my man. What are you gonna do about it? *grabs crotch* Huh, buddy?

But it’s not even about blaming Lexcorp! As irresponsible as that may be, the real tragedy here is Clark missing the bigger picture! Lex presses a fancy button and fancy pixels start swirling around the walls. Lex is gonna show them something, grab the popcorn.

The suited-up business smart guy starts laying down some Lexcorp facts: EVERYTHING, from aircraft designs to home improvements, has its foundation in the science of astrobiology. The study of extraterrestrial life. Boeing jets? Space aliens. La-Z-Boys? Aliens. Get the picture? Any questions?

Good. Let’s talk about the planet Neptune! The walls all around the office make it look like they’re really there! Wow!

Boooring! This is boring! Lex Luthor is boring. OK, he’s done talking. Lexcorp probes discovered iceworms on Neptune, that’s the gist. What do you mean you don’t see where he’s going with this?? Lexcorp designed a deep-sea explorer unit that eats hydrogen and sulfur just like Neptune iceworms.

The walls change location. Mercury! Too hot! Nothing lives there, not even Santa Claus. Why would he? The only way to live near Mercury is to glide around the sky soaking up photons and whatnot. Lexcorp designed a craft with solar panels, bing bang boom.

Location changes again! Some Proxima Centauri planet with silicon-based lifeforms. Lois Lane stops him here, she’s getting really bored too. OK, fine, here’s the point: “I’ve been cataloging the natural abilities Superman has thus far demonstrated,” Luthor explains, showing on the screens the blue and red superhero guy shooting eye lasers at a piece of drywall, “his senses are inhuman. Eyewitnesses claim he has uncanny hearing, as well as eyes that can see x-rays and other energy wavelengths – and even emit them in the case of infrared.”

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

He slices, he dices, he makes mounds of julienne fries in seconds!

Plus, his muscles can crush diamonds. His skin is like titanium. His supple legs and pouty lips, ooh baby.

So how can this all be true? Lex Luthor already knows how it can all be true! ONLY, mind you, a huge-ass giant-ass planet, mind you, with a bajillion times more gravity, mind you, orbiting a very, very, very, very, very dim red star, mind you, can cause humanoid creatures to evolve the types of cells and nerves that are identical to Superman’s specifications! Hee hee hee, how clever.

So there you go, Lois Jerkface Lane. Your superhero crush is some bug-eyed, slimy alien! RAWR! SQUELCH! And Lex has definitive proof!

But before we get to that, some more emotional stuff: this guy with his flashy clothes and his desire to keep his face visible. He’s doing this on purpose, but for what reason? To hide something. To hide, what, though? And here it is: Superman is some bug-eyed, slimy alien! RAWR! SQUELCH! And–

Clark interrupts with his ugly, mouth-breathing, snot-congested face.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

DURRR! HAAAAAARRR!! But sir, how did you find all this out?! HURRRRRR!!

Lex plasters the walls with hypothetical renderings of Superman cut open on the operating table, being examined by doctors and scientists. Sure, try pulling out the ol’ spleen, that’ll have all the answers. They’re cutting open his head. Playing with entrails. It’s really gross, so Lois and Clark decide to fuck off from this place while Lex sings to himself, happily watching the carnage.

Lois and Clark, traumatized, have a chat later over coffee. Clark asks Lois if Lex was right or wrong. And if it would matter anyway. Lois doesn’t know.

Clark is amused that Lex doesn’t remember him. That in of itself is crazy bones! But he was kinda hoping he wouldn’t remember him anyway. Lois picked up on that introduction between them, the super sleuth that she is. “You and Lex acted like you were old friends. Shame. Thought maybe you could shed some light on his motives. Why the big obsession with finding extraterrestrials?”

We see a montage of young Clark and young, curly red-haired, nerdy-looking Lex hanging out together. Stargazing. Lex getting made fun of by other kids. Lex alone in the school science lab.

“…I think he just wants someone to talk to,” Clark responds.

Oooooh, Lex gets some pity-influenced characterization!

Later, Perry White demands that Clark writes up the Superman story based on Lex’s testimonials. Clark argues that there was nothing substantial. White argues that it’s fucking Lex Luthor, not some crackhead in an alley. If he’s saying it out loud, then it must have some credibility! Lex Luthor is a leading expert in every field he is involved with!

“Either you write it up or I’ll hire someone who will.”

So Clark frowns and starts contributing to the smear campaign. Even if it is kinda true stuff to begin with.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6

Gonna bump Bat Boy from the front page.

And how will this affect the public’s opinion of Superman?

Well, the issue ends with Superman stopping a runaway subway train after the driver has a stroke. He begs for someone on the platform, a doctor, to come forward and help.

Everyone recoils in disgust, horror, and maybe a smidge of randiness?

Final Thoughts

Oh no! Superman Bad Man! Big scary alien! Help! He’s gonna dissolve my bones and eat my toasters and probe my anus! Someone launch him into the sun before it’s too late!


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Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 4 – “Current”

* Part 4 of 7 of Vol. 1 – “Boredom” *

Welcome to Manga Cum Loudly Presents: Death Note, Vol. 1, Chapter 4: “Current”! In the previous installment, it is revealed that Raito’s father is the Director of Scary Homicide Murders and is heavily involved in the Kira case, which means Raito’s going to have to kill him by, like, Chapter 6.

Raito also learns that his menacing leather daddy, Ryuuku, can become visible to a person once that person touches the Death Note. That could be a big problem! He has to figure out how to properly secure the notebook.

My advice is to store it in his butt.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4
Written by: Tsugumi Ohba
Illustrated by: Takeshi Obata
“Current”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

For some thus far inexplicable reason, Raito and Ryuuku are hanging out in a dilapidated hovel. I don’t think Ryuuku is having much fun here!

“Anyone can see you if they touch the Death Note, right? I can’t let that happen,” Raito says as he squats sullenly on the filthy floor. “My little sister would have a heart attack if she saw you.”

That’s kind of mean! Ryuuku doesn’t know what to say to that. He’s gonna start crying at any moment. Oh jeez, I don’t want to see that, let’s move onto something else!

L is similarly squatting in his own dwelling. Just a huge room with endless, empty floor. They keep hiding his eyes while showing literally every other part of him, and he looks like a 17-year-old. Make a note of that, he’s probably some pants-wetting high school senior.

This so-called master detective ruminates over Kira’s decision to start killing people outside of school hours. As if to throw him off the trail. As if to mock him. 46 people dead in two days, one every hour! Like a Big Ben clock of murder. BONG! *dead* BONG! BONG! *dead* And so forth.

He wonders if he’s been tricked. Maybe the whole student angle was a red herring, or, perhaps, THIS is the red herring! What a conundrum! And the real problem is that Kira seems to be getting some of his information straight from headquarters, almost as if his father is the Director of Murder Homicide Naval Criminal Investigative Services! “Why is he letting me know so much? What is he up to…?”

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

No no no…leave the vaseline here…

At any rate, drastic times call for drastic measures! He contacts Watari and tells him to get somewhere safe, somewhere where nobody will be able to observe him, and then arrange to get L in touch with the Director. They’re gonna have a little pow-wow session. A frank conversation between two men. And so forth.

Meanwhile, Raito and Ryuuku hang out at the mall! Spencer’s Gifts! Hot Topic! Claire’s! PacSun! Raito needs to get some supplies to help him hide the notebook, such as, uh, maybe a camouflage trapper keeper. Or a hollowed-out bible. Or a toilet.

“I have to hide it somewhere easily accessible and somewhere my family would never look,” he contemplates, ruling out the earlier idea I had about lodging the thing up his butt.

Laughing, Raito says that if L is going to catch him, he’s either going to need to find the Death Note or his confession! And he’s not writing a confession! LOL!!! LOLOL!!

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

Wait until you see the imaginative kind of porn we’ve come up with! Spellbinding.

Presumably, Raito finds something suitable and proceeds to check-out. Ryuuku is still very curious about Raito’s confidence. He keeps bringing up the confidence thing. Raito must look like a pimply-faced wet-mouthed vagina repellant, in no position to possess even a modicum of confidence.

In this particular case, with this particular situation, Raito’s confidence comes from his ability to hack into his dad’s work computer and constantly keep tabs on the investigation! Also, he’s been rubbing a lot of “confidence cream” on his arms. Maybe that’s helping.

OK, Confidence Man, then why are you teasing L with leads? Answer me that one, Smartypants McSmartGuy. To this, Raito’s like “go fuck yourself and let me handle this”. It’s his plan to draw out L so he can, and I quote, “hunt down and destroy him”. Better than hiding!

Raito starts schooling his deathrock scene friend on human behavior. You see, Ryuukukuku, my dear, human beings find it difficult to trust one another. That’s because there’s a lot of backstabbing and lying going on when it comes to such a delinquent species. Even among professionals. Even among authorities. Especially between the police and L. “There was hardly any trust in their relationship in the first place,” Raito states, considering himself an expert on the relationship I guess.

“Even if it looks like L and the authorities are cooperating to capture me on the surface, chances are that L is investigating them in private. And they, in turn, are investigating L.”

INTERESTING! THE SNAKE IS EATING ITSELF. So all Raito has to do is sit back, relax, eat some Cheetos, play hours of Superman 64, and wait for the police to discover L’s identity. After he’s outed, Raito will move in for the kill! As long as he can find his pen.

So, where does my confidence come from, you piece of shit? It comes from the undeniable fact that the police will figure out who L is before they figure out who Kira is! Now where are those Cheetos?

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

I’ve got a couple of letters for you as well, gentlemen: F and U.

Three men, who are each of identical heights and builds, stand up all at once (solidarity!) and ask to be reassigned. If the Director can’t find another assignment for them, then they all quit! You have exactly seven seconds to decide…

The Director is irate! Why are you quitting? This is the easiest job in the world! Wear a suit and sit in the room, that’s it! That’s all! Give me a reason!

“Why? Because we value our lives.”

Ah, ok. That’s a pretty good reason, actually. Per L’s extensive research, the killer has SCARY PSYCHIC POWERS that can kill anyone without even laying on a finger on them. Sounds like voodoo hoodoo, and we’re not on board with that. Isn’t there a serial killer running around who chops off little baby dicks? That seems more our speed.

“If I were Kira, I’d kill every man after me,” says Indistinguishable Detective #1.
“After all, if we caught him he’d be executed,” says Indistinguishable Detective #3.

I mean, it was weird enough the L was taunting this maniac into killing him, right? Easy for him, L’s identity is still a secret. However, all of us, employed by the government, easily searchable on government-agents-full-list-also-sex.com, so fuck that noise! “He could hit us at any time. So we request that we be moved to a new department, sir.”

“Sir” is still pissed off. This comes with the territory! This is dangerous work! Take one for the team! He doesn’t even say a word, they can see it all over his face. “Thank you for your consideration,” they say, and start walking away.

L, observing all this through his computer, makes the leap that Kira needs to know the target’s face in order to kill him. I certainly don’t think that sounds true at all! I have no idea why he thinks this! Sounds like a stupid thing to think!

“If you think about it, those guys might be right,” says another detective in the room. Salient points were made. “L is safe behind a computer somewhere,” says yet another detective, “while we’re putting ourselves in danger.”

A mass exodus is in the making here. I wonder if the Director is going to go home after work and start smacking around his family about this!

Speaking of the Director’s family, Raito spends about six pages explaining the Rube Goldberg device he has set up to hide the notebook.

Death Note, Vol. 1, Ch. 4

I make all my hidden compartments out of walnut. None of that cedar or cottonwood shit.

In short, in a locked drawer he keeps a normal diary. If they find it, they’ll think they found something that was supposed to be hidden and stop right there. He’ll write things in there like “jerked off again” and “spent some time jerking off” so that his sister can giggle and laugh and not kill anyone by accident. The real notebook is here under a secret panel that is locked by a secret long key that Raito is keeping in a secret pen cartridge that is all hiding in plain sight!

We’re not done yet! Even if the secret compartment is noticed and infiltration is attempted, an electrical circuit is rigged to ignite a hidden bag of gasoline that will set the whole neighborhood on fire, destroying the notebook in the process! You just have to make sure you stick this piece of plastic right in this little spot so that the circuit isn’t completed while opening the compartment. There’s no way I won’t accidentally set this shit off in Chapter 71. Flawless planning! Now, to celebrate with a nice, tender jerkoff session…

Ryuuku is quivering with orgasmic delight. Again. “I’ve heard of humans who have held the notebook being worried over where they kept it. But you’re probably the first one to go this far, Raito.”

Of course, Captain Death God Obvious has to put on his captain hat and declare the obvious: Raito’s gonna get fucked up if he makes a mistake. It’s super dangerous! Hey, stop jerking off for one second and listen, man!

“Dangerous? That’s an odd thing to say, Ryuuku,” Raito gently tells the fucked up clown demon, looking quite hurt, “This whole business has been dangerous from the start. But that danger is what keeps me safe.”

Airtight logic here.

“Which would you prefer? The house being burnt down? Or being executed?” Raito posits smugly. Ryuuku grins. It’s all he can do.

We end with L calling a representative of the American FBI agency. They are to spy on the Japanese police, especially those working on the Kira case. L is now certain that one of the investigators is Kira himself. The FBI douchebag doesn’t want to, but L tells him that Kira has killed 327 criminals in America alone. More than any other nation.

Fine, he’ll do it.

Final Thoughts

Raito is going to start an international conflict with allied powers. He’s gonna blow up his house and all of his pornography. And he’s going to be sad. The end.


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