Andrew Bird, Belle and Sebastian, and Jenny Hval

Keeping it fluffy and light today, with the soft, soothing sounds of Andrew Birdman, Ariel and Sebastian and Belle and Gaston, and Jenny Hvhvhvhv. I promise next time I’ll shove in the usual disgusting, incomprehensible, heavy metal devil music from Romania (not a guarantee).

Andrew Bird – Inside Problems
(June 3, 2022)

Andrew Bird - Inside Problems

If the album art and name didn’t tip you off already, this is an album of introspection and emotional unease. Perhaps this is yet another post-lockdown album, and Bird spent a lot more time sitting and stewing with his thoughts this time around. And maybe that’s why his violin is more turbulent than I’ve ever heard it before.

I’ve always thought Andrew Bird was a top-notch singer-songwriter and bandleader. For one thing he’s pretty smart, and he knows how to keep his lyrics grounded, convincing, and wry. He’s also totally unpretentious and congenial, which is fucking FANTASTIC and I’d like more of that please from my musicians. Inside Problems is yet another solid addition to Bird’s already solid discography, compiling a collection of whimsically jazzy Appalachian folk. Eclectic and quirky, yet totally unalienating.

The music is almost always bouncy and cheerful even when the lyrics aren’t, but Bird uses his violin to great effect when he wants to add some tension. “Lone Didion”, for example, finishes off with the most avant-garde solo that I’ve ever heard from him. That arguably isn’t saying too much, but all the scraping and plucking over a steady, simply drum/bass beat is certainly captivating. Then there’s the title track that uses a molting bird (pun possibly intended) as a metaphor for the gained wisdom of aging. The highlight is “Make a Picture”. Gorgeous cello, an engaging motorik beat, folksy charm. “Make a picture, make it snappy/Make a picture, don’t look so happy“…

Finally, this is the best-sounding album I’ve heard so far in 2022. Everything is crisp and clear in the mix. There’s an absence of the dreaded over-slickness, the kind of overproduced sterility that can completely ruin music like this if you’re not careful. Not at all here. This is a masterpiece of music production done right.

Buy this album on vinyl like the hipster dork you are.

Early Verdict:

Belle and Sebastian – A Bit of Previous
(May 6, 2022)

Belle and Sebastian - A Bit of Previous

Bands like Belle and Sebastian reclaimed the derogatory descriptor “twee” and contributed to the precious indie pop movement that started in the late ’90s. I used to hate them for this. I pulled my head out of my ass and came around a little bit. It has its merits, especially if they’re genuine.

Granted, I’m not much of a Belle and Sebastian historian. This is the first album of theirs I’m listening to! How about that! But a lot of what I’m hearing here sounds like a way more whimsical  permutation of the Dan Bejar-led songs from mid-career New Pornographers. And I adore the New Pornographers! “Talk To Me, Talk To Me” and “Unnecessary Drama” sound especially like New Pornographers tracks, like they took songs off their cutting room floor and slapped some Scottish accents and a damn harmonica over them. This is a compliment.

I had pegged this band as a clean, shoegazey dream pop, like Slowdive or Wild Nothing, so COLOR ME SURPRISED when I heard real energy to a lot of cuts here.  Some of these songs rock pretty hard. Even with the Jethro Tull flutiness and the Rick Wakeman keyboardiness of the aforementioned “Talk To Me, Talk To Me”, it has a fantastic high-octane melody and a squealing guitar solo to boot. But then there’s the slow, sentimental stuff like “Do It for Your Country” and “Sea of Sorrow” which can be a little too sappy for me musically and lyrically for me to take them seriously.

Musical diversity makes up for sappiness. The dancey “Prophets on Hold” and the lounge jazzy “Come on Home” are interesting. The band goes all out on the slow, positive, gospel “If They’re Shooting at You”, which is complete with handclaps and a female backup choir. And I can’t help but enjoy the bouncy melody of the opener “Young and Stupid” along with all the symbolism of years gone by…

I like this, but I don’t love it. I could see this kind of sweetly positive indie music growing on me over time; it has most of the elements I like in my orchestral pop. Lucky for me, if/when that happens, I have ten other Belle and Sebastian albums I can dig into.

Early Verdict:

Jenny Hval – Classic Objects
(March 11, 2022)

Jenny Hval - Classic Objects

I made my acquaintanceship with Jenny Hval after she released Apocalypse, girl, her third studio album under her own name, in 2015. That was back when I was absorbing anything and everything that received even minor critical praise (before children, obviously, when I had way more time). Even thought 2016’s Blood Bitch was a greater commercial success, which brought her a lot more attention in indie circles, I remain partial to the slow unease of Apocalypse, girl. I remember being charmed and captivated by spoken-word snippets of poetry such as “I search the oven, scrub the racks, put my whole head inside…but I just can’t find it.” and “But I keep growing older, eight years since 25 now, and all that ages now is the body. I wonder why. I think to myself one of these days, everything I write begins with the question: what’s wrong with me?“. Yes, I’m charmed by the strangest stuff. What of it?

This one is even better, though. There’s more actual singing from Hval, although she continues to split duties fairly evenly between the singing and the talking. The atmosphere is even more disquieting than suggested by the, er, apocalyptic theme of Apocalypse, girl. It’s in a different way, though. The sound is certainly fuller, maybe even more elegant and graceful, but the painted picture is that of groundedness precariously teetering off the edge. Still optimistic, but bound to topple.

I suppose that all means that this listening experience is quite pleasant, but it’s a little off, and that’s the element that makes it way more engaging. “Year of Love” starts things off with slowly-building ’80s worldbeat while Hval talk-sings abstractly about the construct of marriage and the societal ramifications. With her childlike voice.

Elsewhere, in tracks like “Classic Objects” or “Cemetery of Splendour”, she weaves back and forth between stream-of-consciousness talking and regular ol’ singing, with the music serving as a hazy, minimal backdrop to her poetry. But everything is definitely more musical than I’ve heard in the past. It’s ambient, otherworldly, and eerie. It reminds me of Yo La Tengo at their most pensive and methodical while keeping a steady beat going. “Cemetery of Splendour” is the longest song at seven minutes, but it evolves and builds into one of the album’s deepest grooves. The coolest part is when Hval sings this ghostly siren song while talking over it with a weird schizophrenic grocery list of disjointed thoughts (“Bamboo leaf, bamboo leaf again, and the branch, the branch, the pinecones, and the birds in the distance, gum, gum, gum, cigarette butt, candy wrapper, a button, a slug, shoes came here and here and here, someone once lay down here, but the trees, the trees“), ending with a percussion shuffle, nighttime crickets, and a low, crackling fire.

Sounds like complete bullshit, right? Au contraire. Give this a listen, I don’t do it justice here, pounding out random keys with my stupid face.

Early Verdict:


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Superman: Birthright, Issue #4

Superman: Birthright, Issue #4 – “Part Four”

* Part 4 of 12 of the Superman: Birthright limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: Birthright, Issue #4 – “Part Four”! How tremendously creative. I hope the name of this issue doesn’t foreshadow any laziness of the writing. In the previous installment, Martha Kent helps his son cobble together a secret identity while Jon Kent grunts and bottles up emotions and, eventually, shares his conflicting feelings on the whole matter.

After a quick recalibration of the Clark Kent persona, spectacles and all, Clark has a ticket to Metropolis ready in hand. Time to make it big in the big city, you little scamp!

Superman: Birthright, Issue #4 [December, 2003]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Part Four”

Superman: Birthright: Issue #4

Oh no, is that Lois Lane falling from an open window? And on Clark Kent’s first day on the job? We’ll see. Nothing but trouble already.

Metropolis is stupidly huge. They even stole landmarks from other cities! I see the St. Louis Gateway Arch, something that looks like the Washington Monument, and lookee there? Is that Trump Tower! Just kidding! Or am I?

Clark is taking a cab through the congested downtown streets. The cab driver can barely hear him over all the traffic noise. “I was wondering about the army copters in the sky. What’s going on?” Clark asks the driver, who no doubt has all the insight into military operations to readily share with a random passenger.

But he does! “The mayor has permitted our military to test some sort of ‘automatic anti-terrorist’ aircraft this fine afternoon. Rather unsettling, I must say – but then, given the manner in which we volley between yellow and orange alerts, I suppose we do what we must to feel safer, yes?”

The cab driver himself looks like he gets racially profiled by the Metropolis police no less than 30 times per day, considering these are still tumultuous post-9/11 times. Clark sees a street vendor selling $400 World War II-era gas masks.

“Nowadays, it is as if everyone is simply waiting for trouble to occur as a natural course. If it takes something in the sky to give them hope, so be it,” the cab driver continues while Clark shoots another one of his patented baboon-IQ faces.

Cabbie asks Clark why the fuck he doesn’t know any of this already? Is he under a rock? Kinda! Even though this guy literally grew up in the heartland of America, his feeble alien brain is having trouble absorbing this cultural shift. Obviously.

Clark gets dropped off at the Daily Planet for his interview. The place is swarming with activity. Cubicles filled with busy button-pushers. Clark gets to see some action already! A man named Quentin Galloway is pouring his trash over the head of some poor intern who accidentally got him the wrong flavor of frozen yogurt.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #3

You should see him on his bad days. So much feces…

Clark breaks a stapler in his hand trying to contain his rage, but a woman rushes over to the scene to start berating Galloway: “You think you’re a big shot? Publicly humiliating an employee because you’re in a bad mood about frogurt is small and it is petty.”

Tough words! The intern is Jimmy Olsen, who I only learned about as Clark’s buddy from the New 52 Action Comics. The chick is obviously Lois Lane, you guys.

Galloway isn’t letting some broad talk to him that way! “Lois Lane. Didn’t you used to be somebody? Why aren’t you on the trail of some U.F.O. or crop circle or some other oogity-boogity slow news day?”

Listen man, she may be in the business of oogities, but she is certainly not in the business of boogities! She tells him to back the fuck off. Galloway pays for the journalists’ work, not their dignities. Stop bullying little red-head punks like Jimmy Olsen around!

Superman: Birthright, Issue #3

Duuurrrrrrrr

“I think I’m in love,” Clark whispers to himself, loud enough for the other guy to hear.

Galloway has more to say. “Six months ago, you had a reputation. You had respect. Not mine, of course, but apparently that of your peers.” It seems Lois has been traveling quite a bit lately, trying to chase down reports all over the world of a flying leather-jacket-and-khaki-clad hero! Nutso! Crazy! Bonkers! Cockamamie! Jibba Jabba! “Lois Lane’s Loony Lark” they’re all calling it!

Panels are lousy with action shots of Clark’s chimp face as he watches the scene.

Lois says there were hundreds of witnesses to such a man catching a falling space shuttle a few weeks ago. Meanwhile, Galloway argues, there are hundreds of other witnesses telling a different story. And NASA! Fuhgeddaboutit! They deny everything!

Lois tells Galloway to stop poisoning the newsroom with childishness, then she slams the frogurt on the big, ugly, bald man’s chest. “You’re a leader. I expect better from you.”

They meet eyes for a few moments, then Galloway storms off silently. Jimmy lends his gratitude. Lois tells him that she may consider updating his restraining order to thirty feet of distance instead of fifty feet. There’s a good lad.

Clark speaks up like a completely socially unintelligent spaz, causing me to cringe uncontrollably.

Lois Lane has been through this before. “By now, Galloway has called Perry and they’re deciding what Perry can trade this time to keep me on the staff.” In other words, yes, it won’t be the last time that she’ll be covering her direct supervisor with frozen yogurt in this particular office.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #3

Not anymore, creep! Fuck this newspaper, it’s full of men.

“Mr. Kent? Editor White will see you now,” says a purple-haired secretary.

Clarky gonna get him some gainful employment!

Not so fast! Lois Lane hears the name and recognizes it. Kent’s the one that did that piece on Kobe Asuru, right? Meh. She wasn’t that impressed, dude. I mean it was fine, but…like, I don’t know, you write like a tall guy. You’re not tall enough. Well, bye.

The interview with Perry White doesn’t go so well. First of all, Clark spends ten minutes staring at his shoes and muttering. “How did someone as shy as you get an interview with Qerzian terrorists? Or Chief Justice Benton?” Perry demands, making up both a country and a Chief Justice. “Why do you want to work here? Spit it out, Kent!”

Clark’s pooping his pants with the force and strength of 100 pooping men. Then he regains composure and makes his case. Because, sir, the New York Times sucks eggs, and while they’re still scrambling, like so many eggs, for sources… the Daily Planet already has their stories printed and on the web and they’ve already moved on. Just ask my last girlfriend. I’m THAT fast as well! Heh heh.

“I need to be where the speed of information is Priority One. My work depends on spotting trouble as it breaks.”

Perry White perks up a little bit at this, then invites Clark to tell him anything else on his mind. After a few sweaty moments, Clark accidentally slaps a whole mug of pens off of White’s desk. Oopsie-daisy!

“Kent, here’s the tragedy,” White starts to give Clark some bad news. The planes hit the Towers two years ago! Also this: “My reporters are the best because they are never afraid to write the truth– and, son, you have got fear written all over you. I can’t use you.”

I don’t even want to imagine how much poop is coming out right now. Clark protests, and White asks him to prove it! Right here and now! Come on, son! Show me what you got! *unzips pants* LET’S GO! NO FEAR!

And, luckily enough, like an angel sent from heaven, a perfect opportunity to show Clark’s fearlessness presents itself in the form of a motherfucking airstrike at the office building.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #3

Yo, President Bush, this isn’t an Afghani wedding! Don’t you have innocent children to kill somewhere else?

Clark stands up after covering White on the floor. White starts screaming at another reporter. “Didn’t you file a story saying this was impossible? That they’re not even armed?”

The reporter, Mike, is frothing and wheezing. “That’s what I was told, I swear!”

Mr. Three-Piece-Suit Kent starts slinking away as clandestinely as possible. “Please don’t let me look ridiculous,” he whispers a quiet wish to God as he rips off his clothes in a secret…corner…I guess, revealing his iconic SuperbMan costume.

Perry White yells for Lois to call the Pentagon to get some answers on why these military crafts are firing on their lowly newspaper office building, but Lois is preoccupied at the moment running to the roof to try to get the scoop firsthand. Don’t worry, Jimmy-Jammy Olsen, she can fly a helicopter! Army Brat! She takes the newscopter, you know, without permission. Fearless. Just like they want at the Daily Planet.

You think fatass Galloway can fly the copter? He’d crash into the doughnut shop. Lois Lane sees “FRONT PAGE” written all over this shit!

“Ms. Lane, LOOK OUT!” Olsen screams as Lane low-key flies right into one of these mysterious military ships, tearing up all the goddamned copter blades less than ten seconds after takeoff. Jimmy falls right out of it, too. lol. Couldn’t have gone worse.

But don’t worry, AN UNMASKED MAN WEARING CHICAGO CUBS COLORS SAVES BOTH THE FALLING KID AND THE DESTROYED HELICOPTER WITH THE LADY STILL IN IT.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #3

Calm down, nerd.

Plenty of people on the street witness this brave act. How could they not? It’s a pretty fucked up thing to happen.

Lois Lane is beside herself with excitement. It’s really him! But, hey, thanks for saving her and all, but there’s still some weird military-type copters firing bullets and shit. Do something about that, ok? Thx.

So he takes off again with that smug Superman face that I just want to hit with a bat. He finds two of these vehicles trying to strike civilians on the ground. Once Superman braces himself, he catches a glimpse of a scowling, bald man through a highrise window. Kevin Spacey? Very close!

“Lex…?” he says, completely distracted. A round of fire connects with his chest and sends him flying through a building.

Is Superman dead?

Hopefully!

Final Thoughts

Way to crash the company helicopter on the same day you splatter frozen yogurt on your boss, Lois Lane, you loose cannon.

Are there comics where Clark and Lex were secret high school lovers? I’d read the shit out of that for real.


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Paper Girls, Issue #5

Paper Girls, Issue #5

* Part 5 of 5 of the Paper Girls Volume 1 storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Paper Girls, Issue #5! In the previous installment, the two teenage mutant ninja alien types direct the girls to help find a healing device to save Erin’s life. En route through the sewers, a mysterious orb entity with robot eyeball extensions, called an Editrix, ambushed the group. The Editrix was sent into pursuit by the weird adult rangers with the robot suits and the Halo swords. Tiff’s life flashed before her eyes (months upon months of playing Arkanoid on the NES) before the Editrix was destroyed.

Eventually, the group encounters a large capsule similar to the one the girls found in a basement of new construction. The mutant teenagers take Erin into the capsule and disappear, leaving the three conscious girls completely rattled.

What’s going on! I don’t know! And this is the last issue of the first collection. Let’s see if we even get ONE answer!

Paper Girls, Issue #5 [February, 2016]
Written by: Brian K. Vaughan

Paper Girls, Issue #5

The doors of the Healing/Abduction Pod are open. We see Erin’s point of view: a large warehouse with tall shelves. A black obelisk with an Apple logo stands right in the middle. Understandably, she’s in a confused daze. Maybe because her family is a staunch Windows 2.1 household! I dunno.

“She’s coming to. Better grab a SquawkBox for yourself, pal,” Heck calls over to Naldo, who grumbles in Alienese and looks for a translator. Heck introduces themselves to Erin; they both brought her to their “Whenhouse”. As in, it doesn’t matter ware, but when! Ha! Jokes!

“We had to find some junk in here to patch you up,” he says while Naldo (the more grotesque-looking of the two by far) grabs his own SquawkBox, as it were, and joins in on the conversation. Erin can’t feel her legs, but Naldo tells her not to worry. That feeling will pass. “Just let the bugs do their work.”

Erin looks down vaguely at her stomach, where there are literal bugs crawling around her gunshot wound. Just rootin’ around in there.

It’s pretty gross, actually.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Oh yeah, no problem. This is totally normal and fine.

“…I think I’m gonna throw up,” Erin grimaces. These bugs are called iNsecs, and they might be little robots? Anyway, don’t throw up on those, they were hard to steal!

Right, just like they stole Tiffany’s walkie-talkie! It’s all coming back again! Erin puts on her angry face, but these two are proud of their pillaging. “Yeah, can you believe we found this badass spaceship in some dump?” Heck grins, referring to the fake Healing/Abduction Pod. These kids aren’t time-travelers after all. Time travel isn’t even feasible! Earth keeps revolving around the sun; if you travel back in time one hour, you’re gonna be gasping for air as the cold vacuum of space outgasses every atom in your body, ya ninny.

ANYHOO, they’re, like, time and space travelers! Don’t worry about it. Sit tight, they’re going to launch this pod back to the mesosphere of ‘88, or whatever. Again, don’t worry about it. It’ll take too long to explain! Just sit tight, kid, you’re going back home. Bugs and all.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Yeah, well, sometimes it’s extremely hard to tell the difference between the two.

As they’re whizzing past time and space, Naldo observes some “old-timers” trying to “ground them”. Heck panics and entertains the idea of “breaking curfew”. Naldo angrily tells his comrade that fucking with the “tributary” in such a manner is “suicide”. Heck tells him to “suck Superman’s dick”. I made that last one up! Hard to tell, right? Ha ha! Looks like my commentary is pretty worthless, huh? Gotta buy your own copy of the issue then, huh? *winks at the camera*

Guess what, friends? Here’s the part where I totally hyperventilate nerdily over the time-travel plot device, because the fun begins. After a few modulations and activations by Heck, the space pod lurches, fizzles, bumps, and jumps.

And the space pod ends up in the basement of the new construction home! THAT’S RIGHT, BITCHES. We have entered the paradox. Start sucking it.

Conveniently, it’s about this time that KJ decides that the basement is not something to be overlooked. For whatever reason, she has a feeling that the three of them MUST go back there. They NEEDS MUST, you might say. “Why? You think we can use that other capsule-thing to chase after the one they used to kidnap Erin?” Mac asks, but no. Clearly, she hasn’t caught on yet. This is Back to the Future II, kids. “I’m thinking there never was an other,” KJ postulates openly, because they’ve all seen enough crazy shit in the last six hours already. Let’s just pile more on. Bring it.

Nah, no time for that at the moment. The Pterodactyl Lady showed up. “Come ashore peacenik now, aye?”

“JESUS CHRIST!” yells a bug-eyed Mac.
“Please don’t kill us! We…we totally give up!” yells a desperate KJ.
“Actually. We don’t,” states a gun-totin’ NRA member Tiff.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Listen, we ALL get a turn to hold the gun.

Now it’s KJ’s turn to be appalled that Tiff has the gun. My, how the tables have turned right round, baby, right round.

“I’m not gonna stand here and be eaten by some bitch’s dinosaur,” Tiff takes a bold stance here. No more Arkanoid. Time to be a woman. Kickin’ ass and chewin’ bubblegum and all that Rowdy Roddy Piper nonsense. Oh snap! They Live didn’t get released until November 4, 1988! That’s still, like, three days away. “Stay back!” she yells. Excitement.

“Common, grrl, clear yain’t de kind what can end and human’s being,” says Cardinal, sounding thickly Scottish in my head. And yeah, maybe she’s right, maybe Tiff doesn’t have the GUTS to kill this lady. “But I’ve got no problem killing it,” she says, referring to the Pterodactyl thing. She points her gun at the it in question.

Woof, sir. It’s enough for even Cardinal to get worried. Tiff cocks the hammer (yeah baby). Cardinal stands down. Tiff wins. Don’t harm the pet.

Mac clandestinely steals Cardinal’s Halo sword right from her grasp while KJ runs her mouth off about the gun not even being loaded. This causes Mac to turn quickly to yell at her for being stupid. She accidentally presses a button on the Halo sword in the process. The Halo sword blasts the ground in front of Cardinal. Cardinal flies back. There’s a lot going on here, pay attention. Cardinal bumps her head on a tree. You paying attention? The dinosaur flies away. OK, that’s all.

While Mac hopes she didn’t just kill this lady, the other two want to book it before any more of her kind show up. Eventually, with the girls long gone, Cardinal comes to and dizzily radioes the beard guy with the music shirts. He’s wearing an Apple Records shirt now, pouring himself some coffee. “De yung locals b harmed & dangereux,” Cardinal tells him, “Nochoiced but to try as adults.”

What say you, Old Bearded One? It’s a hard no. “I’ll punish them myself,” he tells her as he walks through his giant hallway full of kidnapped people floating in stasis within pink tubes.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

You know, some people collect stamps.

Erin has another nightmare. It’s 1980, she’s about four, and her dad is watching the news. John Lennon was just shot with a gun (by Paul McCartney, just sayin’). Her dad is crying on the couch. “Why are you sad?” Erin asks, and her father tells her that he’s more afraid than sad. Well, little 4-year-old Erin didn’t know that grown-ups could get scared too. “Oh honey…we’re terrified,” he says, pulling his face out of his hands, revealing a scary, melting abomination! Just a big, gross, Hell Face! Boo!

Then Erin wakes up. The bugs have finished stitching her up; she’s surprised to even be alive. In fact, there’s not a scratch on her!

Heck and Naldo, though, they’re both phased into each other: Heck’s right hand through Naldo’s skull. Naldo’s left arm through Heck’s right leg. Big-time like an Ezra Orion / Hell Demon hybrid situation from East of West! Naldo’s probably dead. Ahhh, Naldo. We hardly knew ye.

“…ship kept us…all in stasis…as long as it could…but…I’m worried…our storage cells…coulda cracked…so you need to…vamoose…” pants Heck in a veritable party of ellipses and near-death exposition dialogue. Erin starts blubbering a little bit, asking why these complete strangers would do so much to help? Because, dingus, y’all girls reminded them of themselves! Just some good guys lookin’ to be good guys in the world. Ok, dead now.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Click your heels together three times, sister.

Warning alarms start going off within the pod, complete with jarring gobbledygook screeching over the speakers. I still can’t read any of that language. It probably says something like “Alert! Pizza Rolls are done!”

Erin slams her fists against the window in panic. Through no efforts of her own, the pod hatch opens up to the scenic basement. Her friends are already there waiting. “Holy crap, I was right!” KJ shrieks with joy as Erin stumbles out all woozy and…well, no longer crawling with bugs, at least.

Tiff wonders aloud if this means that Erin was passed out in that pod the entire time that they were all there earlier checking out the pod? Personally, I think that’s fascinating! But Mac doesn’t care one iota about this time-travel nerd shit. Erin’s here, she’s alive, that’s all that matters right now god fucking damnit and such.

Erin sings the praises of the two weirdo mutant teenagers. They didn’t rape her in the mouth, no sir, not at all, not one bit. They saved her life! And now they’re dead! lmao. It’s better than what you guys did. You guys fucking shot her in the stomach, you maniacs.

Oh sure, NOW the other three girls are suddenly sad that these walkie-talkie stealing assholes bit the big one. Well, so be it. There’s bigger fish to fry right now! For starters, this space pod gizmo is leaking fuel or something, so they can’t stay down there too long lest they suffocate in these oh-so-sweet fumes! “I don’t know how much you remember,” KJ calmly informs the time-traveling girl, “but things aren’t exactly much safer out there.”

And these kids can’t catch a break for five minutes. Apple Records Flip-Flip-Wearin’ Beard-Havin’ Pink Tube Collector is right outside the house, yelling for their attention. “Listen to your elders and come outside this instant!” he says patronizingly, flanked by Cardinal the Steel Soldier and her Pet Pterodactyl.

“I’m sure you’re confused, but whatever those juvenile delinquents in there told you is completely untrue. You have waded deep into a very old…generational conflict.”

Weird Beard calls these now-dead kids “a murderous gang of thugs”. They steal from the past to fund the future.

“The Tree of Knowledge,” Erin says vaguely, staring at the dude’s Apple Records shirt, remembering the recurring visions of apples in her dreams. That strange, all-encompassing humming begins again. VMMMMMMM. Pink light grows brighter and brighter, emanating from the basement, as if the pod is going to explode at any moment. What to do? Can’t stay in the house. Can’t leave the house. A real pickle!

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Someone get the gun out again. It’s got to work out for us one of these times.

The humming gets even louder. The pink light gets even brighter. The whole house is aglow. Even the old man is getting scared, pooping his pants, but he was probably doing that anyway. He’s probably wearing a diaper.

The entire house warps away, leaving a smoking crater in the ground. A montage of the four girls floating through time and space is shown, signifying the important event of LEAVING 1988. They all land on a deserted street. Well, three of them do. KJ is missing.

A car approaches. Tiff lost the gun. What to do now? Why, the Paper Girl gambit sounds reasonable. Erin stands up and starts waving her arms frantically: “Excuse me! My name is Erin Tieng, I deliver newspapers, and…and my friends and I need help, please.”

The car stops. A woman gets out. “Is this a joke?” she asks. The three girls stand there SHOCKED and SPEECHLESS and A LITTLE BIT HUNGRY?

The woman has chin-length hair, an iPod in her front pocket, an earbud in one ear, one earbud dangling down.

Paper Girls, Issue #5

Yeah yeah yeah, who the fuck isn’t Erin Tieng these days?

Final Thoughts

WHAT! Who didn’t see this one coming?! HABLABAHANAHABAHAHB!

This is the end of the first “storyline”, so to speak, but I’m going to keep going. Too intriguing. Fuck East of West! At least for now. Paper Girls is where it’s at.


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Sucky Funnies for June 26, 2022

Remember when the Supreme Court overturned Roe. v. Wade this week? That’s absolutely fucked up. Luckily, the obese governor of my state of Illinois is preparing to accommodate tens of thousands of out-of-state women, per year, who are seeking abortions! That’s awesome. I hope that guy gets elected again this year, but since this country is a complete shithole from top to bottom I’m not going to hold my breath about it.

SO, time to read some of those Sunday funnies to take all our minds off of it!

Carpe Diem

Katzenjammer Kids- June 26, 2022

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How annoyingly wholesome. Carpe Diem doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia page, so I can’t vet this strip to make sure that the guy who writes it, Niklas Eriksson, isn’t a Norwegian/Swedish evangelical born-again Christian asshole who appeals to American Bible Belt hicks with second-grade educations.

I won’t even talk about this particular Carpe Diem strip. I’m mad at it.

MJ N: “Good dog…”
Keith Pixton: “If there are no dogs in heaven, I want to go where they went.”
SeaFox01: “I have so many dogs waiting for me!”

Thanks everyone. Mind-numbingly banal as always.

Katzenjammer Kids

Katzenjammer Kids- June 26, 2022

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Oh my god, dude. Is this yet another one of those 900-year-old comic strips that are still EXACTLY like they were when they were launched. Un-fucking-believable.

You’ve got characters still dressed like it’s pre-Depression. Who is this idiot with the hairy yellow hat speaking like a medieval stroke victim? I hate him! Whose favorite comic strip in 2022 is Katzenjammer Kids? I will murder them in cold blood.

Please tell me no one bothered to write any comments for this one today. Please. I beg of you…

Mike: “Knew that last panel or segment was coming.”
djed: “If you have to know how it tastes before you taste it, I guess you’re out of luck.”
cane75: “The captain is a lush.”
truth hammer: “That first batch of punch apparently had quite a kick . . .”

Fucking GRRRROOOOOAAAN. Four comments. Only FOUR comments, none of them upvoted, and all of them stupid as shit. I’M ANGRY RIGHT NOW. My hypertension is out of control, thumping on my throat relentlessly like a mouse with a boxing glove.

Please, let’s just move on.

Mary Worth

Mary Worth- June 26, 2022

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Aha! Mary Worth! It’s been a while! This is the breath of fresh air I needed! Let’s catch up. The last time I was paying ANY kind of undue attention to this strip, Toby was being hit on by a creepy college student without even realizing it because she’s supremely dumb. That was two and half months ago.

Uh oh, trouble in paradise! We seem to be on a brand new story arc but it’s related to sexual deviancy and promiscuity. An individual who looks so much like Jane Lynch that nothing and no one could have convinced me he wasn’t a woman otherwise EXCEPT for the extremely gender-specific name of Jared. After some quick-ass Wikipedia-ing, I discovered that Dawn is the more established character of the Mary Worth canon; one of Mary’s friend’s daughters. So, surely, too far removed for Mary Worth to even get involved in her personal life. But, certainly, that won’t be the case when the storyline resolves itself in 45 months.

This ain’t no Katzenjammer Kids. Mary Worth gets 177 comments and it’s just a bunch of old people who are positively horny about the progression of the story! There are also the ones who poke holes into the continuity like a real Comic Book Guy.

Chucky Quartarolo “*BOING!!!*”
Ronnie: “But Dawn, don’t you remember asking for Jared’s blessings so you could fly to New York to spend the weekend with Hugo. You wanted one last ‘comparison’ before you chose between the two. Jared just wants to drive up to Fresno. Surely, you can be at least a little understanding.”
activist1234: “Dawn is such a sweetheart. Why would Jared possibly prefer someone who listened, took his advice, complimented him?”

Looks like we’re all going to have to wait for tomorrow’s installment, fellow Mary Worthingtons!

And to requote my buddy Chucky Quartarolo, *BOING!!!* indeed.


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New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “In Secret, They Rule”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Everything Dies storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “In Secret, They Rule”! In the previous installment, we see some brief backstory that shows T’Challa (roughly translated to “the bread”, lol) didn’t want to be part of the secret society of superheroes who secretly wanted to secretly run the world. We also see three young members of the Wakanda tribe who got thoroughly murdered, literally, by Manifold, some other lady, and their army, who descended from a strange planet that was swirling and throbbing very close to Earth. Well, this Earth, at least.

It was all very unclear and confusing. Hopefully things start making sense or else I’m gonna have to go back to more Death Note. And trust me, NOBODY wants that!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [March, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“In Secret, They Rule”

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Ah yes, the “Previously on” pages. How nice. Write my recaps for me, Marvel. See if I care.

I get a roster page too! Now there’s somethin’. “The Illuminati – Holders of the Infinity Gems”. Ohhhhh boy. Here’s the list of people who deemed themselves the most important people in the fucking universe *jerkoff motion*: Black Bolt (Celestial Messiah), Namor (Power Gem), Reed Richards (Reality Gem), Iron Man (Space Gem), Captain America (Time Gem), Doctor Strange (Soul Gem), Black Panther (King of the Dead), Professor Xavier (deceased) (Mind Gem) (dead) (so where’s the Mind Gem?) (fucking dead guy).

This sounds like some serious Sonic the Hedgehog stuff. I hope the New Avengers can keep their gems away from the thieving, stinky hands of Dr. Robotnik.

Professor Xavier being dead is probably something SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME ALREADY, but since he’ll be alive again somewhere else in the future, I doubt it matters too much.

Three hours ago, at the Necropolis at Wakanda, the monochrome villain lady is chanting gibberish while imprisoned in a large glass cube. The sound of approaching footsteps causes her to break her concentration.

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

I’m actually David Boreanaz AS Angel, here to sulk and brood in your direction.

The approaching footsteps come from Reed Richards, aka Mr. Fantastic, aka the smartest man in the world even though he sucks at Jeopardy while we’re watching it on TV. He’ll be your interrogator for the evening, so sit back, relax, and try not to force him to jab wooden splinters under your fingernails.

“I do not fear pain,” this woman says, accidentally calling her own bluff by bringing attention to it apropos of nothing. Richards is like “that’s cool, that’s a whole mood” and tells her that he’s just interested in talking. No shit, this is what every interrogator wants. That’s the whole point, smart guy.

In return for a friendly, genial interrogation, Richards can “pretend that he can’t see and doesn’t know what she has inside her”, which pops up on his little Samsung Galaxy Tab S8. It looks like a flux capacitor with a xylophone attached. Deal? So, you jumped here from another world, accessed a device, then destroyed that world, hmm? So…what was that planet called? And don’t say “Pluto” because that’s not a planet! I’m on to you, missy.

“Earth,” she responds, “But surely a clever man like you knew that already.”

Fantastic Mr. Fox is like “Yep! As far I see on these records! But you might be lying! So are you?? ;-)”

She tells him that the “wheel demands its offering”. She had no attachments to Earth, she wasn’t from there, it’s just business. “The Great Destroyer always gets his due.” Richards is skeptical, but moves on. In addition to the whole world-destroying part, she also killed her companion. What was his name again? Manifold? Did you have a beef with Manifold? Was he also an “offering”? Did he “smell too much like old potato chips” and you didn’t want him around anymore?

Listen, dude, nothing is personal. None of this is personal. She needs to do what she needs to do, ok? Stop being such a MAN about it. “So why don’t you simply ask me what you want instead of trying to maneuver me into the conversation you want to have.” The jig is up, Fantastic Sam! Give the lady what she asked for. “Very well…”

“Why did the security cameras in this room capture you crying out for help and weeping in your sleep last night?” he interrogates (very interrogatingly, I might add). She didn’t like that question!

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

I need to focus on my mental health right now! Wah!

Reed Richards challenges this notion that he might not have any idea what’s coming. He probably does! He’s a smart guy! He got tested into gifted kindergarten programs even though he ate all the magic markers and hid from the teachers in the school’s boiler room for six hours a day while playing Pokemon Alpha Sapphire on the Nintendo 3DS! “Why don’t you tell me?” he says, smartly.

Flashback to an hour ago. That means we are now FOUR hours earlier than we were at the end of Issue #1, in case you’re keeping track on your trusty wristwatch. Black Panther approaches the Temple of Whatsits and speaks to the female guards standing outside a steel door. One of them briefs Black Panther on all the sorry shit that’s been happening: “The walls were broken. Blood was spilled. Thousands of Wakandans died, and our nation is now at war. If the people–if the Queen–finds out that we have allowed…that man here…” well, she doesn’t really do into details, but it sounds to me like Black Panther is gonna get roasted on a spit! And that sounds nasty, because nobody likes to eat panther. It’s like shoe leather.

Black Panther tells her to stop being afraid of him and focus her attention on being afraid of EVERYBODY! So that’s a good piece of advice right there. Black Panther enters the guarded chamber, which looks quite cozy with its large fireplace and the table of wine. It’s Namor, whom I DO NOT KNOW, but he looks like a weird vampire elf, and I don’t like that one bit.

Black Panther lays down the ground rules: 1) don’t talk to anyone but him, 2) don’t let anyone see you, 3) don’t go anywhere, 4) don’t do anything. Cool?

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

5) turn the hot tub OFF when you’re not using it, 6) keep the DVD shelf arranged in order of color…

Namor smugly attempts to regain a semblance of the upper hand and reminds Black Panther that both of them are part of the secret Illuminati gang of spandex tights and colorful gems. Remember when you walked out of the meeting. Well, are you going to admit you were wrong? Or are you just a desperate little minx these days? Me-ow.

Black Panther doesn’t answer and tells him to shake a leg, it’s time to meet with the others. Oh, and one more thing: you’re a dead man once I get everything I need from you. Capisce?

Remember how Issue #1 (YES, I’M LINKING TO IT AGAIN) started with Reed Richards talking in a dark room about accepting that everyone dies? It repeats again, and it’s revealed that he’s talking to the rest of his Super Illuminati Bros. team. While he accepts that everything dies, he will not tolerate an unnatural acceleration to that end. Capisce?

This is why T’Challa Black Panther Jones assembled everyone here today. So grab your coffee and doughnuts NOW and sit back down, you lollygagger, because the unnatural acceleration to death is happening as we speak.

Tony Stark all but BOOOs this buzzkill.

Doctor Strange speaks up and asks Black Panther what makes THIS particular cataclysmic event different from the OTHER seven million cataclysmic events that he didn’t want to attend. Not even to make a quick, fashionable appearance! Black Panther tells Strange that his people are dying so he cares more now. Namor interrupts this reunion to hover his own personal gem in his hand in front of everyone. “There are precautions that need to be taken. Prove yourselves.”

Kiss-ass Captain America and Reed Richards agree, probably because they want to flaunt their own gem-having statuses. “Stephen… Tony…” Cap asks from the other side of the table, “Where are your Infinity Gems?”

Strange says that his sealed tightly in an alternate universe box and charmed with cherub kisses and siren orgasms. Stark says his is balled up in his stinky sock drawer at home; his voice, face, and knowledge of his own name is quite enough for all of them! “I’m pretty anxious to find out what’s put the fear of God into the two smartest people I know,” he arches an eyebrow.

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

If you could all please direct your attention to the BE-DOOP cube, it will take all your questions from here.

The members of the Blowjob Alliance sound off one by one: Tony Stark, Black Bolt, Reed Richards, Stephen Strange, T’Challa, Namor, Steve Rogers. As usually, Captain America is confused and needs Reed Richards to tell us what happened to T’Challa.

It’s like this, yo: this dot here is the big bang, and this dot here is the heat death of the universe. We’re somewhere in between! Here, let me put another dot…there we go.

Now there are multiple universes, right? So let’s put a bunch of dots.

However, they all meet at the same end, right? So let’s make it all converge to one dot.

So what’s the problem? THIS universe *points to dot* died early. So now the real endpoint has been contracted backward. So everything is going to die sooner? Hey, Cap, you listening? Stop drooling.

Also, that universe dying causes two other universes to kind of bang into each other. Like a highway collision! Or a couple of young lovebirds fuckin’. Anyway, this caused those universes to destroy each other, which contracted the endpoint back even further, causing more calamity with other universes, and so on and so forth! That’s what T’Challa saw, an Earth colliding with another Earth in the midst of it all.

“A multiversal apocalyptic death scenario…sure, I’d say it’s a situation that needs handling,” Tony Stark mutters unhelpfully. Captain America still doesn’t understand, because he’s really dumb and there’s nothing that anyone can do about that.

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

We’re looking for SOLUTIONS here, Stark. Not MORE PROBLEMS. Who invited you again?

Reed Richards shows a hologram of the flux-capacitor device that this black and white lady, henceforward known as the Black Swan, had in her possession. The device AND the trigger mechanism are both in Reed’s hands! So all we have to do is blow shit up? Yes, Captain America, you have a question? Please refer to the Cube.

Captain America halts the conversation in its path and diplomatically advises that they should all learn as much as they can about the next event, and then figure out a way to win when the time comes! Sounds like he doesn’t want to deal with it right now. Sounds like he has a roast in the oven.

Richards implores the room that there’s no time to wait like that. He goes back to his boring charts and graphs. Using the magic of physics and harmonics, they should be able to predict and detect a short period of harmonic alignment between two different Earths. Each incursion lasts eight hours, after which both Earths blow up to smithereenies and BOOM, everyone’s dead as shit and both universes are destroyed! OR, one Earth can be destroyed manually which will save the other Earth, and then both universes will be saved! The latter option sounds better, buuut I’m open to the first option as well!

In short, Captain “Explain Like I’m Five” America rubs two half-brain cells together. Something to the tune of “we’re in the middle of those eight hours, so let’s figure something out quick!” I hope no one has to use the bathroom! I’m looking at you, Namor. No toilet diving today.

Namor says what they’re all thinking though: there’s some hard decisions that will have to be made very soon. “The question you have to ask is, who here would kill to save their world?”

Before Captain America has a chance to answer (possibly with a “good gracious, not I!”), a low rumble shakes the room and cracks their meeting table. Shit, that’s not a good sign! The earth doesn’t just quake like that once in a while! Or does it? “We have a problem that demands a perfect solution,” Stark chimes in, “To find that, we need time, and we need to be able to work without tether, which means secrecy.” Sounds like Tony Stark’s gunning for some bathroom jack-off alone time. Once Namor is done in there, certainly.

Cap doesn’t like where Stark’s going with this. “I will not tolerate–I will not allow–any talk of the necessity of necessary evil.” the America Man says, standing upright broom-in-ass style to drive home the seriousness of his chastising. Don’t forget, gentleman, we have THE GEMS! THE PRECIOUS GEMS! THE GEMS ARE THE KEY! DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF THE GEMS AT ALL?

Reed Richards ponders this unprecedented burst of inspiration from the team’s biggest dullard. “We would need all six gems to be sure.” With Professor Xavier decomposing in the next room as we speak, the Mind Gem is gone with him. No hope! No hope!

Namor scoffs at the preposterous notion. “We can use the five we have to find his– the stones want to be together.”

New Avengers (Vol. 3), Issue #2

We probably should wash it first. BE-DOOP!

BE-DOOP! A glove appears! Time to get those stones back! Gotta look for the thumb stone.

So a plan is in action. Stark, T’Challa, and Richards will work on constructing the magic multiverse collision early warning system, and Namor, Black Bolt, and Captain America will look for the Mind Gem. Doctor Strange can get us all coffee.

Cap gives everyone one last pep talk and they all go their separate ways.

Later, at the Temple I Think, Richards tells T’Challa that Stark is almost finished with the early warning system. Captain America and his crew are ready to go gem-hunting. “Well then, it appears everything’s going to work out fine…but we know better than that, don’t we?” T’Challa asks with his frowny brow furrowed. And because he’s everyone’s favorite party pooper, Richards says “Infinite worlds. Infinite outcomes. If this could easily be stopped…it should have been stopped. Which means there are two more likely possibilities…”

Either the problem is inherent in the universe’s design and can’t be stopped…

Or someone (or something) is actively pushing the universe toward that direction…

T’Challa asks what they can do if nothing they try works? At least in the righteous and good and honorable direction?

Then they all have to learn how to do the necessary evil kind of stuff instead. And Goody Two-Shoes Cap will be a hard sell on that one. That guy can’t even kill germs without praying to the Lord for forgiveness.

“We have to learn how to destroy a world.”

Final Thoughts

Stakes are high! It parallels the whole Ex Nihilo arc from Hickman’s Avengers World where the big bad gods were harming the universe by creating. Now the good guys have to save the universe by destroying.

As always, the second or third issue of a storyline seems to be its peak. After that, well…*fart*


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