Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #5

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #5 – “Superguardian”

* Part 5 of 6 of the Avengers World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #5 – “Superguardian”! In the previous installment, we read about Hyperion’s stupid origin story (with respect to his presence on Earth, that is), and the Avengers travel to one of Ex Nihilo’s impact sites in order to kick around some scientists who are running experiments on the contaminated land. After successfully removing the threat and quarantining the land, the Avengers think they have all the sites contained.

But there’s a seventh site in Norway…

Oh no!

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #5 [April, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“Superguardian”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #5

“PREVIOUSLY ON AVENGERS”: “We have to get bigger,” says Tony Stark, talking about his and Steve Rogers’ penises again.

“OUTER SPACE. THEN.” announces a flashback sequence. Some nerds dressed up as Stargate Jaffa warriors are trying to fix a Stargate portal. I’m being absolutely serious here. It seems ridiculous, but here we are. Someone should alert Richard Dean Anderson’s fat ass on the double.

One guy announces that the Stargate is broken and the world is now lost. A lady says that Earth needs to be warned, so she sends Smasher to let Earth know that “Immundra has fallen”. That sounds like something that nobody on Earth is going to care about. Imagine trying to tell Lindsey Graham or Vladimir Putin or, like, Kanye West, that Immundra has fallen. They’ll tell you to eat your own shit.

Something explodes two seconds after Smasher vows that he will not fail, so LOL. A bunch of people die. LOL.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Not Pictured: The Smasher failing miserably literally one panel later.

“Here’s something they don’t teach you in school in Iowa, or Colorado…or anywhere else on Earth for that matter.” begins the very USA-centric narration, “Synthetic tri-plate spectra-forms are actually organic constructs.” Gee, I could’ve really used that information during my Iowa/Colorado schooling.

Anyway, the dead Smasher guy with his smashed-up red eyeball lenses are shown on the ground. We see a cracked piece of the lens morph into a pair of red goggles. We see a young woman, clad in plaid, the uniform of the farmgirl, spot them and pick them up in the middle of a large cornfield. “Huh.” she says.

GRIPPING STORYTELLING SO FAR! Are we done yet? Ha! Just funnin’. I love comic books! (?)

So this lady’s on an Iowa farm, and her name is Izzy. She returns to her farmhouse to try to tell her dad about these cool-ass specs, but he has to go out and fuck the pigs or whatever it is farmers do on their farms, so he’ll have to hear about it all from her later. Her grandfather is hacking and wheezing in the kitchen, hooked up to oxygen and lookin’ like Hector Salamanca from Breaking Bad. She spoons up a couple of bowls of soup and sits down to talk with Gramps.

He grumpily asks her why the hell she still lives on the farm. Izzy’s mom died a few years ago, and she dropped out of school to help out, but Gramps says it’s time to blow this popsicle stand! Farms are the worst, I agree. Go literally anywhere else! I’m on Gramps’ side with this one, she shouldn’t be stuck there anymore.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Listen, when a mysterious pair of goggles starts flashing dangerously, I’d advise against following its orders.

Izzy, the aspiring astronomer, goes out to her fancy-ass $9,000,000 telescope later that night. The red goggles that she kept in her sweatshirt pocket start to glow and talk to her. “Put me on.” they say. Well, fuck that! If my glasses started talking to me I’d kick those suckers to the curb. But, yeah, in a trance Izzy puts them on and then immediately turns into a Smasher! Whatever that is. She gets the suit and everything, and her goggles immediately begin surveying the night sky in order to assess her location and calibrate and download info and all that science-y stuff. The goggles ask Izzy if she would like an upgrade. “Absolutely.” she replies, and she gets launched into orbit!

Killing her instantly!

But no. Gramps watches her launch like a rocket through his window and grunts a triumphant “Hrmpt! That’s more like it.”

She’s sent through a portal hovering around Earth. The goggles inform her that it’s a “noncommercial, stealth-grade Stargate”. Literally a Stargate. Did someone get Richard Dean Anderson’s big fat butt on the phone yet?

Izzy is now in Chandilar, the Shi’ar homeworld. Nice name. What are its moons, Joey and Ross?

Chandilar looks like a complete shithole.

Izzy’s trying to make sense of this whole situation, since she was just on her farm probably 50 seconds ago: “This is…another planet…that’s…a freaking alien planet.” After Izzy announces out loud that she’s the first human to step foot on an alien planet, the goggles correct her and then start gogglesplaining that she is, actually, merely the first human Subguardian visitor in the history of the Empire. So that’s a gold star for you!

And as a Subguardian, she gets to meet the Superguardians! I’m sure they’re quite nice. They’ll take you out to lunch on your first day. We’ll get back to Izzy later, I’m sure she’ll be juuuust fine!

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Ha ha ha! Get a load of this dude’s wang! It’s shaped like a pretzel!

At Avengers Tower, in the present, Tony Stark is trying to speak to the large nude Builder guy that the Avengers took home from Mars. You know, stole from Ex Nihilo? Cradle robbed? Stark is attempting to decipher the language, and he’s making good progress! He’s figured out the word “Blackveil”, which might be the Builder’s name. The Builder waves as he says it in his weird Futurama alien speech.

A couple of the other Avengers B-Team blowjobs congratulate Stark on his progress, but Stark has more to report: he’s been trying to look for Izzy and Eden on the “Avengers Machine” (it’s like a special Speak & Spell that connects to the World Wide Web!), but all he’s getting are reports of “imperial alerts” and “threats to the empire” and “general hysteria” and “muffin recipes”. But, hey, Izzy and Eden aren’t even in our galaxy right now! So there’s that little hiccup. Anyway, does anyone want muffins?

AT THE SHI’AR GALACTIC RIM, something is happening! I don’t know what it is! Help! OK, some dudes are fighting some other dudes. A few of these Smasher-types are slumped on the ground. Someone says “Warstar is down, Oracle.” Oracle tells the other, Manta, that Galin (a Smasher) is gone. These giant dick-shaped space vessels start descending upon the land, and there are easily dozens of them. Sentient drones. “Sharra and K’ythri save us.” whispers Manta.

And then some unknown entity starts blasting these drones, painting the sky red with fire.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Invader ZZIIIMMM!

IT’S THE MUTHAFUCKIN’ AVENGERS! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT!

Smasher’s exospecs picked up on the Shi’ar Galactic Rim’s intergalactic alert, and they came as quickly as they could! Captain America! Wolverine! Falcon! A white lab coat nerd (?). Everyone!

“What’s an Imperial Guard unit doing getting rolled by a bunch of sleazo normal-type attack drones?” Wolverine asks with tactful curiosity. And Wolverine gets schooled! “You humans and your tiny sphere of influence…look UP.” says one of the guardians.

And UP is an entire fleet of…someone arriving. Again, I don’t know. The white lab coat nerd calls them “around twenty heavy cruisers and countless support ships”, but they look like a bunch of Steel Soldier-type suits to me! Izzy Smasher is nervous. “Most of the technology is hundreds of thousands of years beyond what we have on Earth…I would never run, but how do we even fight something like this? I mean, when facing an endless alien armada, what’s a Smasher to do?”

And Hulk, he says fuckin’ SMAASSHHH, lady.

Captain America and Wolverine are gonna take the low road. Falcon is gonna take the high road. Manifold asks Cap’n what he can do, and Cap’n suggests that he uses his move-things-to-other-locations powers to move the ships within the other ships. Manifold says that bad things will happen if he does that. “Then get busy, son…bad things are exactly what I want to see.”

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

How’s it going, pops? Oh, not much is going on with me, thanks for asking. It’s all been pretty boring, actually.

It’s time for another Izzy Smasher Flasher Backer! After a month of Smashing and not much else, she returns to her farm in Iowa. And by “returns” I mean, “crash lands like a dang meteor and scares the poop out of her old man”.

Her dad is like “where the hell have you been for literally 30 days you weirdo” and Izzy’s like “SPACE, DAD! I’VE BEEN IN GLORIOUS SPACE! THERE ARE ALIENS, DAD, AND I LOVE HANGING OUT WITH THEM!” and her dad is like “fuck, I thought that crazy syphilus-riddled grandfather of yours was pulling my leg, but he was telling the truth! Too bad I had to shoot him dead before he infected the animals with his lunacy! Yeah, grandpa’s dead! Want some muffins?”

Back in the present, the Avengers are fighting! That’s what they do. And I get to read and write about it.

Hulk smashes. Cap’n smashes. They all smash. Except Smasher! She throws blasts of eye-fire like Cyclops! Her exospecs warn her that continuous use will damage her retinas, but she doesn’t listen. “Subguardian, if you continue at this rate the deple–” starts the exospecs, but Smasher tells her to shut up! So the exospecs run crying to Smasher’s supervisors, the Superguardians, but they end up congratulating her on “holding the line”. They’re coming to help now.

And I guess they won, because we jump immediately to the aftermath. Now that’s some exciting comic book storytelling! But NOW, before the Superguardians leave, they must chastise the Subguardian. Just kidding! They’re happy! They promote her to Superguardian! How touching!

I’m happy too!! Look at all those exclamation points!!! Or maybe my lithium salts are wearing off!!!

“Would you look at that…you’re the first human member of the Imperial Guard, Izzy.” Captain America says, congratulating her on this wonderful honor I myself didn’t know about fifteen minutes ago.

Flashback again, and Izzy’s smelly old grandpa actually isn’t dead yet. But he’s coughing in his bed like Joffrey Baratheon after some Wedding Wine.

Avengers (Vol. 5), Issue #4

Grandpa! Grandpa, are you– …fucking kidding me here, sir?

“Look at you…back from Pluto.” he says. What a firecracker! Hasn’t lost a bit of his edge! He has a note for her. “Here, a good friend gave this to me and I want you to have it. I want you to use it.”

Here’s what the note says: “DAN, IF YOU EVER NEED ANYTHING, CALL ME. -STEVE”

And here I am amazed. Steve Rogers isn’t illiterate. Could’ve fooled me!

Izzy is confused, but Grandpa Dan tells her that she has a destiny now to do great things. And real heroes make others believe they can do great things. So do great things or he’ll keep coughing on her.

Back at Chandilar, the Bing-iest Planet in the Galaxy, one of the creatures that attacked the empire with his drones is in front of the Majestor for questioning. And he doesn’t speak English like everyone else on Chandilar! But that’s ok, Oracle ripped the info out of his mind anyway.

The Majestor asks pointedly what weakness they saw in the empire that emboldened them to plan and carry out an invasion attempt. Oracle tells the Majestor that it’s not what it seems. They weren’t invading at all. They were running away from something. From someONE.

Final Thoughts

I HAVE A HEADACHE NOW. Thanks, Avengers. I’m going to go get some muffins.


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Persefone, SASAMI, and Guerilla Toss

What’s up, dingleberries? It’s Wednesday already again, and that can mean only one thing: Tom’s got his Wednesday underwear on! Also, three new music reviews. Persefone from Andorra. SASAMI from the USA. Guerilla Toss also from the USA. I guess those last two weren’t noteworthy at all. I just wanted to mention Andorra.

Also “Persefone” and “SASAMI” together remind me of pepperoni and salami, and “Guerilla Toss”, well, that’s the chef throwing the pizza dough around, ain’t it? Who wants lunch?

Persefone – Metanoia
(February 4, 2022)

Persefone - Metanoia

How many artists and bands can you name from Andorra? Besides, of course, the Beatles, AC/DC, Rush, Grateful Dead, Lorde, Die Antwoord, BTS, Rammstein, Björk, U2, ABBA, Children of Bodom, and Fela Kuti? Hmm, I can’t think of anymore except Persefone! Persefone is the only other one!

I like Persefone. Over the years, they’ve transformed their Opeth-worship into a sound they can call their own, mixing all the flavors of progressive metal that you could happen to run into. The stale, epic Dream Theater kind. The moody, electronic Porcupine Tree kind. The emotionally cathartic Wilderun kind. The technical death Gorguts kind. The vast, atmospheric The Ocean kind. All emulsified into a homogenous suspension of satisfying songwriting. Almost as satisfying as that previous sentence!

I think Metanoia is a good “general progressive metal fan” album. It’s for people who don’t go deep into any particular flavor of progressive metal, or delve too deeply into a single band, but enjoy skimming the surfaces before continuing forward onto something else. Immediately accessible, complex but it doesn’t require 10 listens for everything to coalesce, a spirited mix of light and heavy, harsh and clean, and plenty of dynamic suite-like sections throughout most of these songs. Memorable immediately; sticks in your brain. I particularly enjoy the suspenseful, larger-than-life soundtrack ambience of “Leap of Faith”, and the smorgasbord of chaotic, tightly-arranged sections of “Consciousness (Pt. 3)”. Both of these are instrumentals, but they are so packed to the gills with character and color that you’ll barely even notice that no one is singing.

Good stuff! I’m happy. Check out the rest of Persefone’s back catalog while you’re at it. It’s fun seeing how the group has progressed over the last 20 years.

Early Verdict:

SASAMI – Squeeze
(February 25, 2022)

SASAMI - Squeeze

I haven’t heard Sasami Ashworth’s first album yet, but reviews suggest a melancholy indie shoegaze angle. I can imagine that listening to Squeeze with that context would be jarring to anyone who expected more of the same. This is an industrial nu-metal / country pop record! Sometimes it’s entirely one, sometimes it’s entirely the other, and sometimes the twain meet in a gloriously odd way. You should by know that I freely toss in the bonus points for unusual musical decisions, whether they work well or not. I appreciate the courage. Luckily, it works very well in this case.

The weirdness becomes apparent when you’re halfway through the second track “The Greatest”, which displays SASAMI’s unaltered vocal abilities in an anachronistic alt-rock tune. Juxtaposed with the opening track, “Skin a Rat”, which blares a sugary electro-industrial metal riff with distorted vocals, you get uneasy with where exactly the album is going. “Say It” feels like Grimes at her most caustic, or even Poppy without the uncanny valley representations, but the music is loaded with sharp and slippery riffs. And then, later, you get to “Try to Understand”, which is the most straightly-played indie country anthem Squeeze has to offer. It sounds like Shania Twain collaborating with Japanese Breakfast. What the hell is going on here?

While I do admit that this grab-bag approach removes some of a the immediacy that one craves from a new release, I can’t get enough of this album right now. The singing is fantastic, the melodies are catchy, and the production is engaging. I like the little drum fills throughout the hipster-grungy Pavement-like “Make It Right”. I like the breathtaking, inexplicable string quarter interlude of “Feminine Water Turmoil”. I like not knowing what this woman is doing and what she’s going to do next. It’s exciting!

Can’t you feel the excitement?!

Early Verdict:

Guerilla Toss – Famously Alive
(March 25, 2022)

Guerilla Toss - Famously Alive

I know this album only dropped five days ago, but I already have Opinions™! That’s usually not a good sign.

I’m disappointed! Guerilla Toss has travelled along one of the more interesting trajectories, starting out as a bizarre, lo-fi, electronic, no wave, hyperpunk outfit and continuously evolving into a colorful, artsy, sugary experimental pop band. Like a Deerhoof for the new generation. Every new album was so much better than the album that preceded it. 2018’s Twisted Crystal was my obsession for a bit of time, with anti-funk “Hacking Machine” and the 16-bit space alien Sega Genesis soundtrack “Retreat” on constant repeat. I heard the news of their fifth album about two months ago and I couldn’t fucking wait to hear what was in store next.

And…we’ve evolved a tad too far, it seems. Kassie Carlson’s successful life-threatening battle with a crippling drug addiction is far enough in the past that her gradually increasing, overwhelming positivity has completely taken over the songwriting. These songs are like a rave party in a vat of strawberry ice cream, hitting occasional pockets of sweetness that rival even the most syrupy of J-pop hits. Production is way too glossy and overdone. I was pleased with the hypnotic, buzzy, bleepy-bloopy opener “Cannibal Capital”, but after that there’s a wealth of cloying autotune, molasses-thick synthpop semi-balladry, and uninspired melodies. “Mermaid Airplane” reuses the uncreative “Ring Around the Rosie” musical figure that they already used in the chorus of Twisted Crystal‘s “Jesus Rabbit”. “Wild Fantasy”, similarly, feels like melody recycling. By this point, the album is about half over, and I’m disillusioned.

The weirdness is still there, but they’re starting to get less weird now. Pretty soon, the band will all grow up without me, leaving me all alone to bask sadly in my Boredoms and OOIOO record collection.

Early Verdict:


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Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1 – “The Last Daughter of Krypton”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Last Daughter of Krypton storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1 – “Last Daughter of Krypton”!

As if I haven’t mentioned it many times already, the New 52 Action Comics reboot left me so annoyed that I’ve been hesitant to dip back into anything Superman-related since. So this is my very first trip back to the world of Superman, and I figured I was safe with Supergirl, she seems cool.

The only thing I know about Supergirl is what I read about at Six Flags. The long, boring line for the Superman roller coaster spaces out some boards with facts about the common Superman characters. I remember that Supergirl is taller than Superboy, and that’s funny!

So with that ballast of essential Supergirl knowledge in tow, let’s begin.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“The Last Daughter of Krypton”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

Right away I’ve decided that Supergirl looks like vocalist Eva Spence from mathcore band Rolo Tomassi, so I’m a happy guy! I hope she screams like her too.

Opening scene: A bunch of meteorites are hurtling toward bumfuck Kansas in a 24-mile radius. Two guys off-panel, possibly military personnel, are tracking them. The meteorites start landing in the giant swaths of farmland, destroying some dwellings and perhaps spooking a cow or two! “We have impact, sir.”

Then one of the dudes starts panicking. “Sir, the biggest target…it’s not stopping! This is impossible…it’s cutting through the mantle!” And we see this one giant space rock continue cutting through the earth, slowing down only ever-so gradually. Eventually, it pops out the other side in Siberia! Those Russians are in for a surprise. They call for backup and head toward the, uh…reverse impact zone.

“Have you ever had that feeling…like you’ve been asleep for a really long time? For what seems like a lifetime.” This is Supergirl narration now, I can tell because the words are in rectangular yellow narration boxes with a Super symbol next to them! And also there’s a super-looking girl emerging from the quote-unquote impact crater. She feels like she’s woken up from a dream, except that the dream ain’t over yet. She looks sad and confused.

She wanders the frigid Siberian landscape convinced that it’s still a dream because Mother would kill her if she wore her Supergirl costume outside. She’s supposed to wait until next year after graduation! Plus, it doesn’t snow on Krypton anymore. There’s that too. She hasn’t seen snow since she was toddlin’. And it doesn’t even really feel that cold! This is bush league snow.

Suddenly, she gets ambushed by a troop of flying metal robots or some shit, warning her that the area she’s in is restricted land. She smiles to herself. “Okay…giant metal creatures…falling from the sky…speaking in clicks and beeps…Father would love this dream.”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

No he wouldn’t, where are the hundreds of naked dancing ladies?

A few of them attempt to circle her and contain her with what appears to be purple jump rope cannons! She gets entangled with rope, and she gets a little bit pissed off at this. These actually hurt, what gives? “Let me go!” she yells in Kryptonian, which probably sounds like this to the Russians: “BUZZ! FLUMP!” She starts shutting her eyes to will herself to wake up from whatever cockamamie dream this is, and the robots notice the symbol on her chest.

Supergirl (Kara) is starting to realize, finally, that this isn’t a dream. Maybe. And the sun starts rising, and she freaks out because it’s yellow. Her eyes start watering, then they turn red, then they start sizzling like an egg on a whatsits. You know what they’re called. The thing. Frying pan!

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

Hmm…something doesn’t seem right here…

A big fat burst of red-laser vision shoots out her dang eyeballs, which sends a robot soldier flying 40 feet and landing on the ground as a smoldering pile of hapless garbage. “What’s happening what’s happening?” Kara panics. One moment she’s on her way home with her friends, the next moment she shows up on some strange planet with horrible inhabitants and too many Wendy’s restaurants and three countries, one of them highly developed, still without paid maternity leave in 2022. And she doesn’t know how she got there!

She attempts to run away in no particular direction, and a robot soldier slams her to the ground. Father always says don’t be a pussy, so she gets up again and sends this robot flying to Mongolia with a single punch. She’s surprised by her own strength, and also the throbbing red veiny streaks on her hands.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

Oh shit, varicose veins already? I’m 16!

Three more robot soldiers give chase! One launches a motherfucking rocket at her, which explodes and sends her flying forward. Completely unscratched, she wonders why she’s still alive as she continues sprinting away from these ballistic-armed robots. She starts hearing a bunch of random sound effects and takes pause. Here are some of the sound effects she hears: “RRANKWRRANKWRANK”, “OOOM OOOM”, “THOMP THOMP THOMP THOMP”, “EEET-EEP”, “HA HA HA HA HA”, and so forth. She clutches her ears in agony, begging for the sounds, whatever they are, to cease! Cease, go back from whence you came, forthwith!

My only clue is that she’s hearing conversations straight out of other Issue #1s from other New 52 reboots! This is because one of the voices surrounding her says “–is the fiercest killer in all of Gotham. And he doesn’t even know it.”, referring to the first storyline of Dick Grayson, aka Nightwing! which I happened to have just finished reading! There’s also these: “I don’t talk to fish” (Aquaman?), “A church. It had to be a church. Like I’m not already damned as it is.” (Catwoman?). Supergirl’s on her knees screaming and trying to block out all this noise, and the robot soldiers are done playing around. “Let’s wrap this up already.” one says, and then Supergirl screams even louder! Hell yeah, baby, there’s that Eva Spence that I was looking for!

The robots stop in their tracks; her screaming is at a frequency that begins to crack their robot suits. “Somebody – please – shut her up –” one yells, and another leaps forth and pins her to the ground. It doesn’t work. She rips an arm off, kicks him down, and smashes him in the face with it! Girl Power!

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #1

Get fucked, Metal Man!

To another, she bolts right at him and starts tearing pieces off the robot suit, revealing the sniveling, whimpering little twerp housed within. He looks like Urkel. She hoists him by the front of his jacket and screeches right in his face, in Kryptonian of course, “WHERE AM I?! WHO ARE YOU?!”

This guy, completely removed from his robot armor, tells another soldier that she’s just a kid, so don’t shoot her. As if they could harm her at all anyway. They want to “bring her in”. Meanwhile, Supergirl’s inner monologue is reeling. “They’re babbling in some weird language I’ve never heard. Could they be helping Zod? Father’s always warning me…”

The terrified soldier tells Supergirl to put her down. She doesn’t understand; she asks him in her own language, again, to just tell her where she is and what’s going on.

WHAMM!

That’s the sound of some other blowjob entering the scene. Some Superman blowjob. It’s Superman.

And Supergirl thinks she’s dreaming again.

Final Thoughts

I still don’t know anything about Supergirl! And now Superman already showed up? Boo! Hiss! That’s gonna ruin it for me.

Zod, though! I’ve heard of that guy.


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East of West. Issue #7

East of West, Issue #7 – “The Quest”

* Part 7 of 15 of the The Apocalypse: Year One storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #7 – “The Quest”! In the previous installment, we get some Bel Solomon backstory after he narrowly escapes death via Horsemen-provided Hell Demon, sicced by Ezra Orion at the Armistice Chosen Meeting Place of Fun. Bel used to be a lawyer, and he was involved in a murder trial in which the Big Fat Judge was rubbin’ penises with the defendant. The judge got shot! It was a whole thing.

We also see an era of judgelessness and jury-lessness with the formation of the Rangers. One of these Rangers is buddies with Solomon, since the murder trial involved this guy’s family and Solomon was trying really hard to win for the prosecution. So he’s going to help Solomon kill every member of the Chosen. One at a time.

And he promises Bel Solomon that he will kill him last.

What a guy!

East of West, Issue #7 [November, 2013]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Quest”

East of West, Issue #7

Let’s see what those adorable and cuddly little Horsemen imps are up to! They’re at the Armistice, all looking grim, poring over what I imagine is an unseen victim. “I warned you about this, didn’t I?” War says through gritted teeth. “Be wary. Only wild things come from the abyss. Yes, it’s truth, but also hunger.”

They’re talking to Ezra Orion, who is rather…preoccupied at the moment. The Hell Demon appears to have engulfed his entire right arm (and not with its mouth-end), and part of it is phased through his neck. Madam President Antonia LeVay is there too, unharmed but a large demon tendril is wrapped around her legs.

Ezra is whining and crying like a little bitch. “Whu-when it wants to cause pain…the pain is un-unbearable.” he moans, tears streaming down his cheeks. Also, when it wants to cause pleasure, it’s a weird feeling even worse than pain! A BLOO BLOO BLOO. You know what you signed up for, ol’ nasty ass.

Conquest actually looks concerned (likely more for the well-being of his pet demon), and asks how this happened. LeVay explains that Bel Solomon’s bullet hit both the Demon and Ezra, and the two kinda sorta fused together! Heh heh! Wild stuff, eh? War suggests cutting off Ezra’s arm, but then the Demon hisses at him. “HSSSSSSSS! Pedicabo vos, Horseman!” it snarls at him. In Esperanto! Is that Esperanto?! Neat!

East of West, Issue #7

This is just like how the Burr-Hamilton duel began!

War brandishes his fiery sword of arm-cutting fury, but LeVay stops him and reminds him that the Message forbids aggravated mayhem! “The hand of the Keeper is the hand of the Beast, inseparable until the very last days.” But Ezra Orion, that happy little trooper, is desperate to get this thing off of him. The Horsemen just stare at him.

“Are you an agent of the end times?”

NO! Not me, but that guy is! *points to a lamp and runs away while they’re distracted*

“Have you become what the Message demands?”

Buddy, if the Message demanded that I’m some nerd who spends whatever little free time he has during the day writing about comics and jerkin’ off, then absolutely fucking yes!

East of West, Issue #7

Another piece of the Triforce??

Now we’re at a place called “the Mirrors”, which I don’t think I know about yet. It’s pretty woodsy. Death and his entourage are traipsing through. Crow announces that the scent led them here, and she thinks this is where they want to be. It looks like the Japanese suicide forest. Doesn’t anyone have any FUN in East of West?

The “where they want to be” is a lake. A lake to look at and talk to and ask questions and maybe it’ll answer back. The Mirrors. Neat, you can do that anywhere. You can do that in your bathtub.

Wolf wants to know what question Death is going to ask the lake, and Death says “HARUMPH! Fuck questions, I ain’t askin’ this stupid lake any dang question.” and asks Crow to wake “it” up. Whatever “it” is.

Crow does some visually pleasing voodoo magic and spreads a large ethereal beam of blue light across the lake. The lake isn’t pleased! It’s positively agitated! Waves start building up and crashing over a loud rumble. Finally, a large wave with a face emerges and speaks in fancy “I’ve been around for 7 million years” font: “Whoooo disturbssss my ssssslumber?” it demands, not one to be fucked with. And Death ain’t scared. “Open your eyes, Old Man. It’s the one person that’ll put you to sleep forever.”

The the Old Man of the Lake, he’s like “HA! HA! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO, OLD CHUM? WANNA GO BOWLING? WHAT DO YOU WANT?” Death asks to see “the Lady”, and the Old Man allows it once Death confirms that the cost will be paid. The Old Man opens up a stone spiral stairway leading down under the lake, and Death and his troupe advance. It looks bottomless.

A flashback sequence starts discussing the Pilgrims and their arrival at the dawn of the second millennium. It happened almost every year from that point on, the pilgrimage to the Armistice. The Pilgrims came to worship, always following a prophet who claimed to have the Word, and the same thing happened every time: the Pilgrims would all suddenly disappear one day while they were there. Some say it was the rapture for the true believers. Others say they were smited for following a false prophet, swallowed by the earth and sent to Hell. No one knows. I say, they heard about a Grand Slam Breakfast deal at the nearby Denny’s and decided to fuck off to home after a good morning meal. My theory is way more legit. No one can resist a deal at Denny’s.

Past versions of the Horsemen arrive on their weird robot Hell Horses at the Armistice. The real versions of themselves, not the ones from episodes of Horsemen Babies. The older, gender-swapped incarnations. War and Conquest are women. Famine is a man. Death is still Death. He’s probably horny.

They snarl and scoff at the stupid Pilgrims kneeling before some withered old man speaking nonsense from atop a stump! Well, not a stump, it’s a rock formation. Stump rock.

East of West, Issue #7

We’re gonna give these pilgrims a Thanksgiving they won’t soon forget.

As this prophet guy is thumping his bible, hootin’ and hollerin’ about being judged in the afterlife, he gets picked off by Death’s gun. The Pilgrims are befuddled by the sudden sniping of their Stump Prophet. The Horsemen get closer to the Armistice and start killing the Pilgrims. “They can’t help themselves…the humans. They want something to worship – something to believe in… And if they can’t find it, they’ll manufacture it.”

After the bloodbath, the Horsebuddies walk around inside the giant crater that they made in the ground, chatting about the good ol’ days, like the Dark Ages. “Fear yielded respect….remember? Disappear an entire village and the apes would salt the earth as a sign.”

Only one person is still alive: a crying baby. War is about to cut this kid in half with her sword, but Conquest stops her and cradles the child in her own arms. She scoops up a fingerful of blood from the ground and feeds it to the now calm baby. “No more milk for you…only blood.”

Conquest dubs the child “Orion” and she takes him with them. Blood is nourishment, as is the Word, and the Word is the Message.

East of West, Issue #7

Oh sure, when I try to feed my baby blood I get a visit from Child Protective Services.

And that explains why Conquest seemed concerned about Ezra Orion. Because he/she actually was, I guess.

There’s a montage of Conquest raising the child from infancy with genuine nurturing care. She teaches him from an early age all about the Message. He takes it all in with earnest interest.

Later, when he’s much older, Ezra asks his mother if he pleases her. “That depends…are you an agent of the end times? Are you what the message demands?” And Ezra admits that he isn’t yet, but he can prove himself in time.

“The Message has structure. All structures have a foundation.” At the crater where the Horsemen murdered a bunch of jobbers, a large Triforce-shaped pillar slowly becomes erected in the center. Yeah baby.

“Ezra Orion raised a spire unsullied by the hands of man.” Oh yeah, keep talkin’ to me.

“It was a monument. It was a temple. It was perfect.” OHHHH YEAH BABY.

So this stupid Washington Monument Penis, the pillar of the Armistice, it’s complete. This is how he proves himself to be what the Message demands.

East of West, Issue #7

Nerd!

Conquest asks if he bothered to think about how to keep out the Pilgrims. “We have an army of automatons located at the base of the spire that responds to any activity within a one hundred mile radius,” Ezra responds, “There will be no more pilgrimages.”

And Conquest is pleased. There’s a good lad.

And this tired, gaunt, bald sack of shit, he asks again if he makes his mother proud. And, once again, like a bullshit Aesop’s fable, she repeats these questions: “Are you an agent of the end of times? Are you what the Message demands?” Ezra McSadEyes, this Jeff Bezos-lookin’ butthole, he goes “UH BUH HUH HUHHHB BUHH”.

Returning to the present, the Horsemen are little multicolored, gender-swapped children, Ezra and the Hell Demon are all entwined, and he’s begging to have his arm cut off.

Conquest cradles Ezra’s head in his arms. And he asks him again if he’s an agent of the end of times. He asks him if he is what the Message demands.

And he meekly answers “Yes…but I don’t want this…it’s too much. Puh-please cut it off.”

“No, Ezra… You’ll wear it until you die.”

“I see it now…” Conquest continues, “This is what you are. This is what you were always going to be… And you have made me so very, very proud.”

Ezra’s a big ol’ fucked-up lump on the ground. lol

Final Thoughts

This is really good. It makes all the Marvel and DC stuff I’m reading look like TERRIBLE POOP-STAINED CHILDREN’S BOOKS BY COMPARISON!

This issue really makes you feel bad for that bald apocalypse-bringing asshole. Conquest never really loved you, moron! Horseman, remember?!

Get it together, Orion.


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Sucky Funnies for March 27, 2022

Hi there! It’s Sunday again, and the awful stomachache that comes with the anticipation of the work week ahead is prominent and impossible to ignore. Allow me to help ease the pain with three awful comic strips: Zippy the Pinhead, Judge Parker, and Popeye.

Zippy the Pinhead

Zippy the Pinhead - March 27, 2022

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I genuinely don’t understand Zippy the Pinhead. Does he have brain damage? Is he an alien trying to assimilate? Did he escape from a hospital somewhere? I don’t think Bill Griffith even knows.

But fuck this stupid comic. I don’t even know what’s going on here. I’m angry. What is the Help Wanted sign is even asking for? There are people who get paid money to make this strip? There are newspapers that take up valuable funnies-page real estate to run this abortion? Suck a lemon, Zippy.

Judge Parker

Judge Parker - March 27, 2022

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Out-of-context Judge Parker! I don’t follow this strip, I don’t know what’s going on at all! I don’t know who Randy and Charlotte are or why they disappeared, but if the motherfuckin’ CIA was involved in the search party, then it sounds like they were either siphoning money from the Russian oligarchs to fund Ukrainian defense, OR they were kidnapped by the Taliban while vacationing in Kabul.

In any case, if I were Alan Parker I wouldn’t be celebrating just yet. It could’ve been one of those scam calls where people prey on doddering old grandmothers to try to get them to pay for their grandchild’s release out of a Mexican prison. OR, better yet, the CIA is tired of Alan Parker’s shit and they’re just crank calling to tease and taunt him! Randy and Charlotte are floating facedown in a drainage ditch somewhere. Now that’s a gag.

Popeye

Popeye - March 27, 2022

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Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Popeye want to bone Olive Oyl anyway? Why does she need to visit the local magical hag for a face full of, what’s this now, spinach pheromones? I’d say she should just fill a bathtub loaded with canned spinach and lower her naked bony body into the slop, waiting for Popeye to come home so they can do some spinach-poundin’. Mmm-hmmm.

I find two things fascinating: a) this miserable old witch has a smartphone, which means her thatched roof witch hut in the middle of the dark forest has both cell reception and an electrical outlet, and b) the stink lines around Olive Oyl fit her character so well that they should consider adding them as a permanent feature.


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