Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 1) Issue #4 – “Consecration”! This is the end of the storyline, and the end of the limited-run first Catwoman series as a whole. Hey, I finally finished something! So what if there were only four issues total? In the previous installment, Catwoman spent most of the time looking for Magdalene, who was kidnapped by Stan “Pimpjuice” Quimbley (as it’s written on his Pimpstone above his epitaph, which reads “PIMP 4 LYFE”). Stan died while Catwoman was trying to rescue her sister. He died doing what he loved: suffering a terrible brain injury.

Batman ended up rescuing Magdalene because Catwoman wasn’t able to, but that’s ok. At this point, I’m sure she finally pivoted fully into the villain camp.

I liked this series better when it really was running concurrently with Batman’s Year One arc, but now it’s off the rails a bit. Detective Flannery’s a dickhead. Stan’s motivations were nonsensical. Hell, even Selina’s motivations are confusing.

Here’s the thrilling conclusion! No more pimpin’.

Catwoman (Vol. 1), Issue #4 [May, 1989]
Written by: Mindy Newell
“Consecration”

Nice cover teaser. “Will they be lovers…or the deadliest of enemies?” How about both? Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle are similar in that they both can’t stop sticking their dicks into stuff!

Whoops, I usually start these Catwoman write-ups with the nonsensical quote from the first page. Here it is:

“When the stars threw down their spears and watered heaven with their tears, did he smile his work to see! Did he who made the lamb make thee!” – William Blake

Yeah, whatever man. Detective Flannery and “Captain Strunk” are talking about their rummaging through Stan’s hovel. McDonald’s wrappers and beer cans and other garbage, but no sign of any nun artifacts. Strunk suggests that maybe Stan never had the nun, but Flannery insists the opposite. “I know it in my gut.” Flannery says, and then he’s reminded that gut feelings don’t hold up in court.

They continue discussing all the unsolved threads — did Stan murder the nun, where’s the body, who murdered Stan, did she murder Stan, did the nun murder Stan, maybe the nun murdered Stan in self-defense, maybe the nun crossed state lines and murdered Stan in self-defense Kyle Rittenhouse-style — while Holly climbs up on one of the cop cars. Flannery recognizes Holly and asks why her sidekick isn’t here to pay her respects to the deceased pimp. Holly’s all “I don’t know nuthin’! I ain’t done nuthin’! I’m 12, sir! I play hopscotch and eat Kid Cuisines!”

Nope, a steady diet of pizza rolls and Tab ensures nothing in my gut is ever truly solid, sir.

Flannery lays out his other gut feeling: Holly’s buddy and the nun are sisters. “The related kind.” Strunk doesn’t want to hear Flannery’s verbal diarrhea anymore! He looks like he wants a damn sandwich is what he looks like! Gid tha fug outta ‘ere!

Elsewhere in Gotham, atop a tall building in the windy moonlight night, Batman and Sister Magdalene have a friendly chat about Catwoman that could be done, you know, inside. Or on the street level. “She seems to enjoy the danger,” says Batman, describing his earlier encounter with Catwoman in Batman Issue #407, “playing it close to the edge. Almost as if she doesn’t care how vulnerable that makes her.”

Magdalene challenges this line of thought, almost as if she’s defending her sister’s rash actions, then when Batman gets a little peeved, Magdalene tells him to go after Catwoman if he cares so much. Stop bugging her, she’s just a nun, she can’t help him with this shit!

Even the nun is flirting with you, Batman. Go for it.

Batman then tells ol’ Maggie over here that she’s had a rough night, she’s probably in shock, he’s going to get someone to help her. She pretty much tells him to go fuck himself and asks him why he’s still talking to her? Are you too SCCAAAARRREDDD to go after Catwoman?! You big pansy you!

He lifts her up anyway and starts swooping from building to building. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m merely compiling facts.” Batman tells her, like a wimpy pussy. Catwoman, only a few buildings away, witnesses all this happening. Batman takes her down the street where the cops are still investigating the scene and tells them that Sister Magdalene needs help. She looks annoyed. Flannery’s gonna be a jerk to the nun, I’m sure.

Later, I believe, I don’t know, who knows, Selina and Magdalene are alone in a church. Both are dressed in white. Are they at a pimp funeral service? I have no clue. This is the first time they’re talking to each other since just before Mags was kidnapped. Selina comments on how thin she looks, to which Maggie replies “That’s okay. I needed to lose it anyway.” and pisses off Selina for being so FLIPPANT and GLIB about this situation. Selina asks her to cry, scream, curse her out, anything else other than make jokes. Magdalene says she’s been there done that, sister, she was in the hospital for three weeks and she’s done all that already. She also thought about killing herself.

Magdalene starts getting really dark, son, and it’s giving Selina the willies! She tells her to cut it out, she’s freaking out enough already with all the damage and bad luck that the Catwoman rompin’ has brought for her. It’s revealed that Selina has the costume in a big paper bag. Magdalene picks it up: “What were you planning to do? Sacrifice her on the flames of three dozen mass candles? I don’t think it would work, sis.” But that’s exactly what Selina wanted to do! Bad hoodoo! Bad voodoo! Bad juju! “You don’t understand. That’s not just a costume. I put it on, and something happens…” she whines to the nun. Meow! “Nothing hurts her,” referring to her split personality “It’s like she’s dead.”

Lookin’ good, Holly! New eye shadow?

Holly is standing behind the pews. For how long she was there, it’s unclear, so they didn’t say anything about “that little ratfuck Holly”! Standing in the shadows, she tells Selina not to be mad at her for coming to a church (“I know you said never to come here, but I didn’t know where else to look”). Selina asks her to come out of the shadows, and Holly will if Selina can promise her that she won’t do anything stupid.

Selina barely takes one look at Holly before Magdalene warns “Don’t let the cat out. Let it hurt.” Who did this shit? Why, it was Captain Strunk! Holly done got Strunked up!

Immediately, and I do mean “immediately”, Selina teleports out of the church and into Flannery’s office in the very next panel! She even changes her clothes! She’s wearing some dumb blue thing with a dumb puffy white neck trim. She rats on Strunk, and Flannery doesn’t believe her!

Believe women, idiot.

Flannery goes into a big dick-sucking Strunk defense: Strunk is a 27-year veteran! Strunk goes to church! Strunk doesn’t mooch! Strunk knows all the cops’ families! Strunk knows all their birthdays! Strunk promoted a woman once! Strunk’s kid married a black lady!

“The bastard attacked Holly” Selina says, simply.

Pffft, Flannery’s the biggest whore in town. Projecting much?

Flannery changes the subject and tells her that Holly was at the crime scene the other day. The Dead Pimp Crime Scene (DPCS). Where was she at? Hmm? Huh? Doesn’t matter! Dead pimp. The nun is safe. “Gordon says everyone should be happy, so I’m happy — got a lot of unanswered questions, but I’m happy.” Flannery says pointedly like a man who has never been happy in his life. ANYWAY, the point is, Holly was climbing on top of Strunk’s car to get a better look at the dead pimp action and Strunk was a little rough with her. Perhaps she’s trying to get some revenge on him? Faking a beating, sister? Givin’ him the ol’ whore one-two buckle my shoe, eh?

“And justice for all.” Selina grumbles as she gets the fuck out of Detective Cuntface’s office.

Holly is sleeping in the convent. Selina is wearing her costume, sans mask, sitting on her bed. Magdalene comes in and Selina gets defensive before Mags can even start reciting Hail Marys. “What’s your problem, sis? I’m only taking back what’s mine.” she claims while pulling on the cat head.

“What about Holly?” Magdalene asks. “What about her?” Catwoman responds. “You’re a liar and a coward. And I won’t keep quiet this time. I’ll tell Flannery everything!” Magdalene cries. “HISSSSST!” Catwoman responds, forgetting that she’s just a lady wearing cat clothes.

And wouldn’t ya know it, Batman shows up four nanoseconds late! “I heard about Holly. I heard that she came here.” he rasps in the shadows directly behind Mags, scaring the everliving nun-fuck out of her.

Hell yeah he did, that guy can go Strunk himself.

Terrified, Magdalene tells him that Holly didn’t do anything, it was Captain Strunk, so don’t take her away. After a bewildered exchange, Batman tells her that he doesn’t work for the police, and that Strunk’s a DEAD MAN. You think the pimp had it bad? Batman will drop him from such a height that you won’t be able to tell his blood-splattered ass from his blood-splattered balls.

Magdalene tells him not to waste his time; Catwoman’s already on her way to fuck up Strunk. So then Batman MOANS and GROANS because now he has to stop her. Mags is like “and who are you?”. And Batman is like “I’M the BAT-MAN!”. And she’s like “yeah, half man. Just like Catwoman is half woman. You feel me? Not used to this kind of criminal, are you? You know? The kind that’s just like YOU?”; then she does a little snap snap.

At Strunk’s house, the Strunk Wife is making the Strunk take out the trash. Strunk’s like “Geez Louise, I’m gonna miss the beginning of the game!” What game is that? Gotham has sports teams? Yeah fucking right.

lol, embarrassing

Strunk’s taking out the garbage like a Good Boy when, in the distance, a grown-ass woman in pajamas is meowing and hissing at him. He barely gets a chance to react when Catwoman pounces and flails around. Strunk’s confused, as anyone would be if a woman dressed like a cat, acting like a mental patient, started hissing at them while they were taking out the garbage. He starts swinging a large piece of wood, but she snatches it out of his hand with her trusty cat o’ nine tails! She whips it around Strunk’s neck, but a BATAMARATAMARANG comes out of nowhere to knock it out of her hand. Then, and this it funny, it lodges into Strunk’s fuckin’ jugular vein. Whoops!

But forget Strunk right now! Strunk who? Old news! “The nun is worried about you.” Batman tells the cat lady after stepping onto the scene. He warns her to back off, no one is going to defend a cop-killer. Catwoman says “As opposed to a pimp-killer?” I mean, really? Oh no, one less alive pimp in the world!

And Batman, he knows Catwoman didn’t really kill the pimp, so Stan’s blood ain’t on her hands. It was an accident. And she implies that this Strunk killing could be an accident too, hint hint.

Batman continues to shove heaping fistfuls of morals down Catwoman’s throat, but she ain’t buying it. He tells her Sister Magdalene will help, but she scoffs! SCOFFS! Help with what, prayer? Thoughts and prayers?? He says Jim Gordon, then just a lowly lieutenant, will help, but she scoffs! AGAIN WITH THE SCOFFING! Help with what, being in cahoots with Batman? And who the hell is THAT anyway? Someone not to be trusted!

Batman insists that they’re opposing players of this game, but Catwoman insists that they’re two sides of the same coin. Like sister, like Sister, eh? Both razzin’ the Batman. Batman asks her to come with him, and she refuses. She wants to keep fighting, so he has no choice but to…allow it.

Yeah, you know you like it.

Then they kiss.

Then she smacks him in the mug with her cat o’ nine tails.

Then she whacks him again.

He’s on his back wheezing. She calls him a cop, scratches his chest, and bounces away. “First round to me, Lover.”

And this Batman guy, he’s just bleeding all over the place. This prostitute beat the shit out of him and got away with it! “First round to you…but there will be another…” he says, mouth dripping with his own blood. Like, dude, you’re supposed to be Gotham’s hero? A woman in her pajamas just kicked your ass.

The final scene is at the convent, where Holly now lives I guess. And she’s understandably a brat about it; Magdalene’s making her go to school and brush her teeth! Lame! Mags asks her why she’s staring out the window, and even Holly denies a reason, Mags knows what’s up. She’s looking for her Cat Pal so she can go back to a life of suckin’ and fuckin’. “I know, Holly, I miss her too. But she’ll never come back. Never.”

Meanwhile, Catwoman is a stone’s throw away on the next roof.

She’s close enough that Holly could easily see her. So that’s dumb.

Final Thoughts

So there you go, the Catwoman origin story. Yuck.

Batman hasn’t fully defeated her because he wants to fuck her, right? Is that why Batman hasn’t fully defeated anyone? Probably.