Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2 – “Gifted (Part 2)”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Gifted storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #2 – “Gifted (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a lot of stuff happened that I didn’t go into too much detail about anyway! Kitty Pryde showed up to the Professor X School of Freaks to work there. Wolverine and Cyclops fought in the schoolyard like a couple of rapscallions. Some geneticist lady named Dr. Kavita Rao gave a speech about how mutants are just diseased humans and that “they” found a cure for it. Cyclops wants to bring the band back together. A mysterious hostage situation at an undisclosed location is underway.

A lot is happening and I don’t know nuthin’! Let’s get this show on the road.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2 [August, 2004]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Gifted (Part 2)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

We begin the fascinating second installment of Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) at Dr. Rao’s press conference. She shows a video of some Kevin Spacey-lookin’ motherfucking cop and his partner busting into little girl Tildie Soames’ house. Apparently, mutant powers are supposed to manifest at puberty, but Tildie’s an early bloomer! I’ve always said that about her, the little pistol! We come to find out that Tildie’s superpower is making her nightmares come true, so it is revealed that she accidentally killed her parents at the beginning of the first issue. Whoops! She kills the cops too. Double whoops! *cue Buffy intro music*

Elsewhere, Team X-Men is assessing the hostage situation. We learn from Ms. Blue Lipstick (Emma? Frost?) that it’s happening at a building hosting “Walter Langford’s annual fundraiser for the preservation of Victorian architecture”. BORING! The X-Men radar shows a bunch of red dots surrounding a single blue dot, and it’s the blue dot that is suspicious! It’s the hostage head honcho, and he’s anticipating the arrival of the X-Men for an old-fashioned beat-‘em-up! One of the soldiers gets so spooked he starts shooting a window! Walter Langford’s not going to like that!

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

You show that motherfucking window who’s boss! Take no prisoners!

Soon, the X-Men team barrels into the room all guns a-blazin’ and there’s about seven wordless panels in a row of heroic contorting and bad guy punching. The head honcho is still standing, letting the X-Men know that they fell for his little trap, so to speak! Heh heh heh! So this guy starts kicking all their asses and declares, verbatim, “Diamond. I am Ord, of the Breakworld. We stuff our pillows with diamonds.” So that clears it up! As Mr. Ord is about to claim victory, some fat dragon thing pops up out of nowhere and breathes fire in Ord’s face, effectively shooting him out the goddamn window! “Lockheed! You found me! You are the best X-Dragon ever.” says Kitty Pryde, bewilderingly.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

“Lockheed”. That’s subtle. I’m gonna call him Martin!

After the threat has been vanquished, the team turns to the camera crews and the attendees of the fundraiser to explain what was going on, but they’re not good at explaining, and they kind of just make it worse. One member of the press asks the blue beast guy what he thinks of Dr. Rao’s new cure. The X-Men are confused about this, but Mr. Kelsey Grammar Blue Beast claims that Dr. Rao is one of the great geneticists alive in the world and that the news is probably true. Frost wants to kill the bitch and everyone concurs, likely because this “cure” is just going to be “mass genocide” and that’s not fun for anybody. The X-Men decide to call it a night because they’re all tuckered out and they’ll regroup in the morning. Wolverine’s gonna have a beer. As a reader, I sure am glad that the team is treating this with the urgency it demands!

Frost and Pryde hang back as the rest of the crew leaves. This scene fails the Bechdel test immediately because they start talking about two men. Frost is grateful that she has Professor Xavier’s trust since I guess she used to be some sort of villain? And now she’s an X-Man. And she likes that. Mostly ‘cause she’s boning Cyclops. She reveals that she was the one who requested Pryde’s involvement in regrouping an X-Men team. Pryde reveals some backstory that her first encounter with X-Men involved Frost being a jerk to them, so she doesn’t trust her as far as she can throw her (unless she’s strong, I don’t know yet). I can see that we’re going to have some baggage here that even Joss Whedon might not be able to wiggle his way out of with a pen and paper! You can’t harass cartoon women, Joss, remember that now.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #2

Fancy seeing you here! We haven’t meant up like this in quite some time.

We are treated to a scene where Dr. Hairy Blue Guy McCoy tries to sneak into Benetech Laboratories but then Dr. Rao catches him scuttling around the ceiling. They take this opportunity to catch up since they were buddies from old times or whatever; Rao insists that she is trying to help save innocent lives and that McCoy can’t stop her, but McCoy is like “Hold the phone, darling, does that shit work? Gimme some of dat!” Aaaaaaaaannnnd, SCENE!

Final Thoughts

Things are starting to get interesting, son! Is McCoy tired of being some sort of large blue cat or whatever he is? Are Emma and Kitty gonna hate-fuck? Are Wolverine and Cyclops gonna hate-fuck as well? Is Issue #3 gonna be 20 straight pages of gloriously-illustrated group hate-fucking? Join me next time when these X-MEN will continue to ASTONISH you!


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Transatlantic, Melvins, and Alice Cooper

This week the theme is albums that came out in February, so by the year’s standards they’re ancient. The theme is also grizzled dinosaurs that have been in the music industry forever, so by today’s standards they’re also ancient. Ancient all around. Does that mean they should hang it the fuck up? Nah. But maybe?

Transatlantic – The Absolute Universe (Forevermore)
(February 5, 2021)

Transatlantic - The Absolute Universe (Forevermore)

Transatlantic is a supergroup of neo-prog stalwarts Neal Morse (Spock’s Beard), Roine Stolt (Flower Kings), Pete Trewavas (Marillion), and Mike Portnoy (Dream Theater). The four of them play into each other’s desire for decadent excess and they are just simply delighted to produce over-inflated, schmaltzy dad rock of the progressive sense.

The Absolute Universe is a pitch perfect example of their thought processes. The whole 90-minute album was written and recorded pre-pandemic. In March 2020, Morse listened to the album and wanted to trim it down to one disc (great idea!). Stolt, who is known for constantly making feature film-length Flower Kings albums, disagreed. Trewavas agreed with Morse. Portnoy agreed with Stolt. A stalemate! Eventually, the group agreed to release two versions of the fucking album. (The Breath of Life) represents Morse’s abridged version, and (Forevermore) is Stolt’s extended version. Because I hate myself, I opted to dig into the extended version.

I’m not even going to listen to the shorter version; it’s not going to change my opinion about the music. Morse/Stolt and company have been pumping out the same over-produced neo-progressive schlock for decades. Between Morse’s born again Christianity and Stolt’s inability to discern the difference between quantity and quality, The Absolute Universe (and, really, Transatlantic as a whole) is just like anything else the two of them have recorded and released since the early ’90s. I doubt Trewavas or Portnoy really contribute much to this project at all.

It doesn’t matter going into detail about individual tracks. As a whole, there’s a lot more rehashing of ’70s prog than ’80s prog with its Yes and ELP-like arrangements and ultra-technical keyboard/guitar soloing, which is the biggest plus I can award this project. When you distill it down to its elements, this is nothing more than bombastic, pretentious overly-whimsical non-boundary-pushing butt rock by men who are well into their ’60s. And while I can recognize the level of musical ability and ambition that each member brings to the table, melodies are virtually non-existent and the music is so incredibly fey and cheesy that I can’t take it seriously. I can’t and I won’t. And for 90 straight minutes? Fuck you.

If you’ve already listened to one previous Transatlantic album, or even if you’ve listened to a Spock’s Beard or a Flower Kings album, then you’ve heard this one already as well. Trust me.

Early Verdict:

Melvins – Working with God
(February 26, 2021)

Melvins - Working with God

What ruined this one completely for me right off the bat was the low-effort Beach Boys cover “I Fuck Around”, wherein Buzz Osborne sings “Round round, fuck around, I fuck around!” for an agonizing two minutes and twenty seconds. It reeks of edgelord boomer energy, which is awful enough, but they will not stop doing this kind of thing on all their albums within the last 10 years. Pinkus Abortion Technician had “I Wanna Hold Your Hand”, Basses Loaded had “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, Tres Cabrones had “99 Bottles of Beer”; I find these to be the worst parts of these albums. Maybe I’m just cranky. I dunno.

Melvins does keep making the same album over and over again, and I do mean that as a compliment. They’ve carved out a niche in the grunge metal arena that is entirely their own, and they’re nothing if not consistent and reliable. Sludgy, riff-replete statements (“Negative No No”) interspersed with sneery, juvenile sentiments (“Brian, the Horse-Faced Goon”), this is very much a Melvins record.

The band had clearly peaked long ago, though. With such an immense catalog of solid albums, it’s hard not to start longing to listen to Bullhead or Stoner Witch or even (A) Senile Animal while listening to Working with God. It’s a decent enough album, but the band feels like a shell now. And it has for a while.

Early Verdict:

Alice Cooper – Detroit Stories
(February 26, 2021)

Alice Cooper - Detroit Stories

Vincent Furnier is still going at it too, huh? Interestingly enough, not only did Detroit Stories come out on 2/26 just like the Melvins album, but the first track is also a cover. Alice plays it relatively straight though, but I wonder if he knows that Phish has been covering the Velvet Underground’s “Rock & Roll” regularly in their live shows for over 20 years? It kinda undercuts the grittiness when most people these days probably associate that sound with four complete nerds jumping around stage on trampolines.

I must admit that I was expecting a washed-out old fogey still trying to stick to his roots in an era that has moved on without him, but I really enjoyed Detroit Stories. Having grown up in the Detroit area myself, I don’t have quite the degree of fondness for the city as Cooper does (or most people I grew up with, for that matter), but what I do have a fondness for is the genuinely rough, steely, unapologetic nature of the rock scene that only a city like Detroit could authentically foster. Cooper is, and always will be, a part of that.

The songs themselves are rich with a surprising amount of vitality. At 73 years old, Alice Cooper is still the showman he always has been. Taking care to incorporate Detroit and its music scene throughout the album, the songs are peppered with references to city and the artists who thrived there (the Stooges, MC5, Suzi Quatro, Ted Nugent, etc.). Stylistically, there’s a lot more of the straightly-played early-’70s hard rock hearkening back to Cooper’s early days, as well as some really good hard blues numbers and even a vibrant MoTown send-up with “$1000 High Heel Shoes”. There are also covers by MC5, Outrageous Cherry, and Bob Seger, all Detroit-based musicians. Cooper tries to strike a balance between sincerity and goofiness, which he’s never really been that good at, so it mostly gets a pass.

What I can’t give a pass to, though, is “Hanging On By a Thread (Don’t Give Up)”. Alice Cooper goes ultra-sincere on an ode to depression awareness, acknowledging the mental health of all those affected by the pandemic with messages of hope, positivity, and optimism. It even ends with a phone number to the suicide hotline. There’s nothing political about the song, and the sentiment is incredibly thoughtful, but it’s a weird speed bump in the record. There’s something utterly un-rock and roll about it. But hey, in 2021, Alice Cooper is rock and roll, so who am I to argue?

Anyway, Cooper, as always, delivers. Here’s to many more years.

Early Verdict:


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Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Cut Short, Cut Deep”

* Part 2 of 6 of the Darkest Reflection storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Cut Short, Cut Deep”! In the previous installment, we learn that the Joker, dressed up like Morty Seinfeld on vacation, shot Barbara Gordon in the stomach once. This caused her to be a paraplegic for only three years, and suddenly she’s miraculously ok. But now she has post-traumatic stress disorder and is incredibly antsy when trying to be Batgirl and stuff.

The Big Bad is some guy named “Mirror” who has a list of people that he’s killing one by one. Batgirl saved a family during a home invasion, and one of the young home invader punks was in the hospital recovering from Home Invasion-itis, but Mirror needs to kill him so Mirror shows up at the hospital to kill him. Batgirl hesitates after Mirror points a gun at her, and after Mirror kicks the kid’s bed out of the hospital room window a cop has the AUDACITY to accuse BATGIRL of murder just because she was IN THE ROOM while Mirror MURDERED THE KID.

I bet the next 40 issues comprises Batgirl’s boring-ass trial. I hope she lawyered up with Saul Goodman! Let us continue with Issue #2, all you frothing Batgirl fanatics!

Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Gail Simone
“Cut Short, Cut Deep”

Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2

How nice of Batgirl to give us a little “Previously on Batgirl” exposition just in case you forgot the comic book you just finished four minutes ago. The alive cop, the one that didn’t die and also accused Batgirl of murder, tries to take vigilante justice into her own hands. Mirror blows this popsicle stand and shoots a cute grappling hook out of his big bad gun. Batgirl gives chase into the dark, dreary, and rainy Gotham night.

So it happened again, and this is pretty funny. Once Batgirl catches up with Mirror she accidentally kicks him too hard and they both end up toppling over the edge of a balcony. He’s hanging onto her, she’s hanging onto the edge, just like in the last issue during the home invasion. “Oh no oh no oh no oh no” she thinks, and wonders why she’s pushing it when she only got out of a wheelchair like seven hours ago. Mirror is nervous, he says he’s not supposed to die this way. Batgirl, foolishly, lends a helping hand, but Mirror takes advantage and hoists her above his head. “You’re on the list,” he says. Oh no! He tosses her off the building.

As Batgirl falls, she whips out her own grappling hook and latches on to an overhanging gargoyle bust. She avoids slamming to the ground, but ends up slamming into a parked taxi instead. Batgirl doesn’t seem very graceful. Batgirl gets yelled at by the taxi driver, who looks like the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2. “Whyncha go swoop over Metropolis and fight Larry Luthor!” she yells, and I agree with all of that as well.

Batgirl (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Fightin’ with the locals! The true Gotham experience.

Back at the hospital, Alive Cop (Detective McKenna) is being difficult with the physicians, but it’s only because she’s just grieving about Dead Cop (Detective Dead Cop). Commissioner “Pornstache” Gordon pops in to chew McKenna out a bit, and McKenna tells him that they need a second warrant. “For Batgirl. She’s back.” This causes ol’ Commish’s eyes to practically pop out of his ginger skull.

Batgirl follows Mirror over to one of Gotham’s many, many, many, many, MANY, MANY, many cemeteries. While she and Mirror duke it out there’s a lot of unnecessary narration about how this particular cemetery keeps getting slated for demolition to make room for shopping malls, but the rich people of Gotham keep throwing money at the city government to stop it. This must be important, right? I’ll make note of it! *sprays my own dick with a fountain pen* Now then, Mirror punches Batgirl right in the breadbasket she’s like “OOOF THAT’S WHERE JOKER SHOT MEEEEE” so, again, it’s still dumb that she’s out here doing her Batgirling when she should be at home resting with a cool can of Clamato and one of those many drugstore checkout line magazines with George Clooney on them. She is most certainly trying to keep her hard-ass exterior through it all. Mirror flashes her his mirror, and she is unphased (unlike previous victims of the dreaded chest mirror). She continues to try to beat him up, but he’s big and strong and she’s small and not, apparently, and she’s getting her ass handed to her on a plate. Batgirl, though, attempts to outsmart him, you see, and she holds some paper up to Mirror’s face, and Mirror is all like “NOOOO!”. They hear police sirens and Mirror runs away. AND THE DAY IS SAVED! Way to go Batgirl, what would Gotham do without you?? Nice job!

Batman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

You want some of this?! Yeah, didn’t think so! I’m 103 pounds of pure, flailing and thrashing fury! I’ve also got hollow bird bones! Step off!

Batgirl AKA Barbara Gordon (spoiler alert!) stumbles her way back home to the apartment, where she so-far has spent all of 10 minutes total. I forgot her roommate’s name already. Dorothy? Mary? Jonesy? Jonesaaayy. Gordon falls asleep in Jonesy’s bed, and Jonesy ain’t happy about it! However, Jonesy notices that Gordon is all banged up so she’s ready to send some domestic abuser boyfriend to jail tout suite! She tells Alysia (oh wait haha, her name is Alysia and not at all Jonesy) that she’s keepin’ secrets, so back off honey. Alysia is like “fine” and offers to make some soup. Gordon asks to borrow a dress. Alysia sneers at her.

BUT IT’S CUZ BARBARA GORDON IS GOING ON A DATE, Y’ALL! She’s dating her physical therapist! Whoops, that’s gonna end up being dumb! Goddamnit, Barbara…

They take a cozy walk in the park. Gregor (yuck) asks her why they never talk about getting her legs back. She says “WE’LL TALK ABOUT THEM WHEN THEY’RE BEHIND MY EARS, PUDDIN’!”. Ugh, no, fine, she says no such thing. She actually thinks she didn’t deserve it. Hmm.

The next morning, Gordon puts on her Batgirl garb to go hang out at the library. You know, for fun. She suspects Mirror went to the cemetery for insidious reasons. Corpse fucking? I wish! Actually, after some internet sleuthing, she discovers that a former federal agent named Jonathan Mills was married to an heiress of a large corporation…and his entire family was killed by a car bomb except him. Hmm.

She travels over to Mirror’s pad to start grilling him with this new information. Something doesn’t add up! Batgirl tries to connect the dots, figuring out that all these people on Mirror’s list are people who should have died but didn’t, and he’s taking it upon himself to finish the job Final Destination style! He believes that all these people who should have died wanted to die, and he’s being a good Samaritan by putting these people out of their misery? Sounds cool to me, guv’nor. But Batgirl doesn’t think so! She thinks this guy is cRaAaAaAaZzZyY! And maybe he is, for you see, there’s a guy who should’ve died on some train tracks a few months ago when he collapsed with a heart attack right on top of them. Someone saved him. Now Mirror is like “fuck that” and put a bomb on a train to kill this guy dead for good. Batgirl is like “NoOoooOOOooOOOooo!”

Batman (Vol. 4), Issue #2

Hey, check it out, Michael Douglas from Falling Down rides this train!

Final Thoughts

This Mirror guy is a real rotten apple! I sure hope he gets his!

I think overall people were pretty down on this Batgirl reboot for reasons I can’t appreciate. Something about erasing decades of backstory, wah wah wah. I’m enjoying this. I like my heroes to have no Y chromosomes once in a while damnit! Plus, she’s not perfect whatsoever. Not necessarily an anti-hero, but I like that she’s a human being. Not like Bruce Wayne, who has the personality of a paper bag filled with semen.

This story is interesting! I like it better so far than the Court of Owls storyline from the first six issues of the New 52 Batman series. The biggest part that made me take pause was Commissioner Gordon’s “HUUUUHHHHH” face when Detective McKenna said Batgirl was back. Does the Commish hate Batgirl? Is this like him not knowing that Bruce Wayne and Batman are one in the same? And, most of all, I still want to know why the Joker was wearing a 95-year-old man’s vacation outfit when he shot Barbara in the stomach. Grrrr.


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Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Gifted (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Gifted storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #1 – “Gifted (Part 1)”! Ahhh, and what a way to break into some comic books featuring the X-Mans, right? When I think of X-Men, I think of Hugh Jackman, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, and the shitty ‘90s cartoon series! I don’t think of Joss Whedon, the guy who created and wrote Buffy the Vampire Slayer and harassed half the women on the set every day! As you can see, I have a lot to learn. Whedon wrote the first 24 issues of this particular series (and a Giant-Size special issue) before handing off the writing to Warren Ellis. People say it’s no good after that. I say poppycock! I like Warren Ellis! He works with Nick Cave! Nick Cave wouldn’t work with anyone who sucked! The post-Whedon run can’t be that bad? Right?

Anyway, join me as I learn about these X-Mens in real-time. We have quite a lot of ground to cover.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [July, 2004]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Gifted (Part 1)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

“Mommy… …is screaming. Her screams are… …yummy. Daddy… …is next.” *cue Buffy intro music*

Hey Joss, you’re writing comics now! Enough with the melodramatic cold opens! Anywho, we see a scene of a little girl named Tildie waking up from a strange nightmare. OR IS IT?!

OK, now we’re cutting to the X-Men School of Freaks and Geeks where Kitty Pryde (hey, I’ve heard of her!) is arriving for the first time since being a student. Kitty Pryde can walk through walls, which is something I can do in Doom if I type IDSPISPOPD on my computer. She walks through a wall into an auditorium where a blonde lady with blue lipstick is introducing the new staffing structure to the new students at Professor Patrick Stewart’s School of Hard Knocks, since apparently the man himself is on sabbatical. After the speech, we cut to a scene in another room where Ms. Blue Lipstick is talking to Scott “Cyclops” Summers about the new students and then they look at each other like they’re ready to get their bone on. And then they do?! Hey, I thought this comic book was for children! Grrr!

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Blatant voyeurism is a crime. A sexy, sexy crime.

Blue Lipstick and Cyclops wake up to find a seductive, open-shirted, oddly realistically-illustrated Wolverine perched at the foot of the bed, which is rude. Ruder still, he’s picking a fight with Cyclops! They end up fighting! Cyclops says “This is good. The guy who’s tried to steal my wife since the day he met us is gonna be all about what’s proper.” How’s that for some organic exposition dialogue, eh?

Next, we see these X-Mens all circled up together to talk it out, all “why are we fighting, we need to be a team!” style. Cyclops goes into a big speech that is obviously meant to catch new loser readers like me up, but it’s clunky and I still don’t know what the fuck their problem is at the moment except that the world sees them as freaks, and they don’t like that. Maybe they should stop being freaks! Ha! Cyclops proposes being full-fledged superheroes, which I guess they aren’t yet, and some snarky comments about tights are made. This scene is boring!

OK, the scene shifts back to Tildie and some other lady named Dr. Kavita Rao, a geneticist. Surely she doesn’t think these mutant X-Men are FREAKS, right? She gives a speech during a press conference about mutants, how they’re ordinary diseased people, and that a cure has been found. While this is happening, some hostage situation is going down at a place and it’s unclear what’s going on! The X-Men are wearing costumes! And that’s the end! Shit!

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Mr. Unknown Hostage Guy is doing stuff for fun, I guess.

Final Thoughts

Well, that was quick! I’m absolutely brand-spanking-new to X-Men in general, and all I know is that they’re all mutants with unique superpowers and society shuns them as a whole. It really resonates with the whole “I’m misunderstood and nobody knows how I feel” angle of teenage angst in general, right? No wonder the X-Men franchise has 300 series, each with 10,000 issues, 40,000 one-shots, 48 movies, and brought us one of the sexier incarnations of Halle Berry. Oh boy! Yeah, that’s right, go fuck yourself, Catwoman.

Anyway, because I’m dumb I’m a bit lost already, but I shall press forward on this adventure! Is Dr. Kavita Rao a bad no-good lady? What’s up with this hostage situation? Why did they decide that the sound-effect for Wolverine’s retracting metal claws is “SNIKT!”? Is this “cure” going to be a BULLET from a GUN to the HEAD?! Time will tell! Thank you for joining me as I fail at being a decent nerd.


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10 Years in Chicago

Chicago's Eiffel Tower!

Chicago’s claim to fame, the most famous structure in the city! The spectacular… *checks notes* …uh

Happy 9/11 everyone! What a day that was! It was a day fraught with anxiety, fear, uncertainty, and terror. I don’t think anyone waking up that morning knew that the world would be different from that day forward…

Hmmm? I don’t know what you were thinking about. I’m talking about September 11th, 2011, the day I permanently moved to Chicago and then spent the next nine months eating Ramen noodles and trying my best to only spend $0.41 a week! That was exactly ten years ago, and that day also happens to be the exact halfway point between today and that other 9/11. Were you thinking about that one? Yeah, not me, I forgot about that one! I swore I would never forget but, haha, old age, you know?

Ten years is a long fucking time to be anywhere. Day after day, I wake up in my Chicago third-floor condo unit, trudge off to work, sit there completely glazed-over on the train, sit there completely glazed-over at work, sit there completely glazed-over on the train again, and then sit there completely glazed-over on the couch before I haul my glazed ass to bed. I take the whole city for granted constantly. There’s buildings! And landmarks! And events! And festivals! And filthy underpasses littered with used needles! And I never do anything here except sit at my laptop and write out snarky blogs about living in Chicago. And I’m not going to change anytime soon, I’ve got kids and a mortgage and stuff. I’m not allowed to have fun anymore (not that I ever did anyway, come on). But that doesn’t mean I can’t pretend to pretend that I want to have fun!

As a dumb little exercise, I’m going to crack open a few Chicago bucket list webpages that are near the top of the Google search results (because fuck effort) and point out some things to do in this city that I’ve never done and never plan on doing! Join me, will you?

Rejuvenate at the ancient baths
Yeah, what the hell is this now? The ancient baths? Am I in Rome? There’s nothing “ancient” about anything in a city that’s less than 200 years old.

Well, according to their website, AIRE specializes in recreating the ancient bath experience! Sounds gross! And they operate in seven other cities worldwide so it’s not necessarily a unique Chicago experience, now is it? A bold and risky addition to a Chicago bucket list, if I do say so myself. Let’s check the website’s FAQ for more to pick apart about this:

-Is it safe to go to AIRE? “Yes.“
Well I’m convinced!
-Will there be other people in Baths with me? “Yes.“
Gross!
-What do I need to bring? “We kindly ask that you bring a bathing suit, however we have bathing suits to borrow if you do not have one.”
Double gross! Fuck this place. If I wanted the ancient Roman experience I’d, like, you know, do some chariot racing. Or flush a toilet.

Visit the Garfield Park Conservatory
Why should I visit the conservatory? So that Colonel Mustard can murder me with a wrench? Not today.

The Garfield Park Conservatory, named after Garfield the cat and his love of parks, is one of the biggest in the United States. It’s full of plants that look just like the plants you can find by the road 20 feet away. I heard that all patrons are allowed to eat any five plants of their choosing, so I might just do this one day so I can eat some plants! You can just keep coming back every day and eat any five plants you want! I don’t think any other conservatory in the world allows its guests to do that! Chicago really is something special.

Futuristic Chicago!

Ahhhh, yes, Chicago’s world-famous skyline! Take advantage of those daily single-rider UFO tours! Hop on!

Attend Lollapalooza
Oh hell no! I’m not spending hundreds of dollars to stand outside for ten hours in 90° weather pressed up against five incredibly high and sweaty suburban high school kids while I watch Dave Grohl’s greasy, stringy head bob around the stage. If anything, they should be paying ME! I’m as serious as a heart attack about that sentiment. You can’t even drag me kicking and screaming to this cesspit of musical culture. Next!

Attend a Chicago Bulls game at the United Center
Now, I’m no BASKETBALL HISTORIOGRAPHER, but I don’t think anyone has given a shit about the Chicago Bulls ever since the ’90s when that one guy was the best pro basketball player in the history of the entire league. What was his name again? Ugh…crap, the name is similar to that one kid who was in the Creed movies? Black Panther. Michael B. Jordan? It’s something close to that. Anyway, I can’t remember the basketball guy’s name, but he was like the Michael B. Jordan of basketball.

Enjoy the view from the top of the Sears Tower
Yeah, ok, I haven’t done this yet, but I’ve walked by the building numerous times! I’ve probably taken as many steps near the building as it would take to walk all the way up to the top, so maybe, in a sense, I already have done this! And it was boring, let me tell you.

The Sears Tower has a new name now, of course, and people love it when you call it the Willis Tower instead. People in Chicago love it when their buildings and stadiums change names, and reminding them often is good way to make fast friends with the locals.

OK, fine I won’t be a total buzzkill. I have done stuff in my ~3,650 days living in the city. Here, check this shit out, son:

Chicago-Style Seinfeld!

Seinfeld takes place in New York City, which is LIKE Chicago! Don’t let anyone tell you differently.

THINGS I HAVE DONE IN CHICAGO!
-Bought groceries
-Eaten at a restaurant
-Cashed a check
-Taken a bus
-Bought a shirt
-Watched Game of Thrones
-Cooked lasagna
-Built a crib
-Played Skyrim
-Got a tattoo
-Bought some jeans
-Bought concert tickets and didn’t go
-Ate at least one hot dog
-Watched all of Seinfeld when Hulu picked it up
-Vacuumed my floor
-Wore a belt
-Replaced an air conditioner unit
-Bought some socks
-Flown a kite
-Shoveled a sidewalk
-Went to the dentist
-Held a duck

So yeah, I have done things! Chicago is great, you guys. I wholeheartedly recommend, you know, living here. If you want to. I mean, it doesn’t matter to me one way or another, I guess.


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