Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 – “Costumes”

* Part 9 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 – “Costumes”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, we get a resolution to the Ulysses Armstrong arc where the kid wants to conquer Gotham by amassing an army of street gangsters in order to blow up a police station. It was poorly thought out and the kid got a spanking in the end.

So we’re starting up a new story here in Prelude to Knightfall! I hope Robin gets gruesomely maimed.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488 [January, 1993]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Costumes”

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Speaking of Robin, he’s in the Batcave looking at a picture on the Batcomputer of the red guy on the cover art. “He’s called Azrael — ‘avenging angel’ for the Secret Order of St. Dumas – although he wasn’t even aware of it until just recently.” Batman sure knows a lot of Azrael the Avenging Angel, whatever the fuck that means. He continues by telling Robin that the dude has been brainwashed since birth; latent special abilities such as basket-weaving and chewing gum are triggered by hypnosis. He’s so new at angel-avenging that he doesn’t even know all of his abilities. Every time Batman fights him, he sees something brand-spanking-new.

Prior to this transformation, he was just some computer science nerd at the college. He’s only Azrael now because his father was the previous Azrael and then he died via autoerotic asphyxiation. Just like every other Azrael before him.

Batman is interrupted by a return call from Lucius Fox. Thanks for calling back so soon, Lucius, you sweetie. There’s this kid named Jean-Paul Valley that will be plopped into a position in WayneCorp security force. Lucius kisses Batman’s ass for a minute, all “yes, sir, good idea, sir”.

Back to Azrael. He likes donuts and—hey, wait a minute! He’s Jean-Paul Valley? That’s right, and Robin’s going to show him the ropes. Be careful, though, his powers are insurmountable and yada yada did someone say “donuts?”

Something’s been nagging at Robin since the conversation started two minutes ago. What does an avenging angel actually do? BATMAN IS GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU LITTLE DEVIL. “He eliminates offending members of the Order, Robin. He’s programmed to kill.”

Eep. Well… uh… show him the ropes, eh? Hah, uhm…

“So we’re taking him under wing to counteract his brainwash programming?” Robin asks.

“Something like that,” Batman responds.

Robin accepts the mission! Because he has no choice or Batman will beat him again. And while Robin is actually doing work, Batman’s going to actually rest. He’s actually going to rest! Something is totally off with this guy.

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Go grab your teddy bear then, bitch.

Robin skedaddles, leaving Batman alone to ascend 400 stairs. Stars flicker in front of eyes and he collapses halfway up. He will surely be pecked by crows until Alfred finds his decomposing bones.

At 9:15am the next morning, Jean-Paul Valley reports for duty! Lucius assigns him to Salvatore Fiorini who will show him the fake ropes. Robin’s gonna show him the real ropes behind Lucius’ back because… uh… *checks notes* Batman trusts Robin? That can’t be right.

Fiorini throws the kid a uniform and tells him to get all naked in the locker room. He’ll start by monitoring the photocopy machines, which is something they trained a monkey to do but the monkey has since retired. They need to keep an eye on them because some asshole stole and copied designs from the R and D department. Information is knowledge, and those damn commie reds aren’t going to get their hands on any more technology!

Anyway, Valley, the copiers won’t work without a key and you need to check every single goddamn thing that gets copied. If someone xeroxes their ass, you log it in the book! Signed authorization required! Red tape up the wazoo, kid! Bruce will launch your little dick into the Oort Cloud if he catches you fucking this one up!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Captain Fancypants reporting for duty, sir!

Jean-Paul Valley’s uniform looks ten kinds of stupid. There’s even an oversized hat and everything. So while Valley does some bitchwork, Alfred does indeed discover Batman passed out on the steps. The face Alfred makes is something else entirely. It’s like he actually cares about this guy for unexplainable reasons. He even drops his tray of tea and scones! And when Batman claims that he’s tired, well, Alfred’s shock is tangible! I can feel the shock, and it’s the shock of a butler who cares about his master’s money so it would be great if he didn’t die any time soon because he still has eight more car payments.

At 5:32pm, Robin finally shows up to spy on the kid who is walking home from work in his shiny new duds. Somehow he beats the kid to his home, because it’s Tim Drake who sits in a chair waiting for Valley to walk through the door. “Ready for your night training, Az?” Tim says smirkingly. Valley is shocked, but open to the idea! But this little shit is just a kid! “I know I’m not experienced… which is why I expected the Batman to be the one who–”

Tim interrupts him with a tough guy attitude. He pulls open his purple button-down shirt to reveal – gasp! — his Robin uniform! BUH-WHUUUUT?!?! He throws thoroughly startled Valley a bag. It’s a training outfit, complete with a ball gag! Get it on, son!

Instead of sleeping like a smarty, Bruce sits on the floor in his underwear meditating like a dummy. He’s trying to discover his inner failings, why he’s losing his edge, and what he can do to get it back. He sees a black dot on a white background that turns into a box of blood and he snaps out of his trance in a cold sweat. “His heart jolts,” says the narration, “hammered by failure.”

lol

I was joking, but Valley’s new outfit does look like some BDSM shit. I think he’s supposed to be a ninja, but I’m still thinking about that whole autoerotic asphyxiation thing! Fifteen-layer kevlar sheathed in fire-resistant Nomex-four fabric, utility pods for tracking device, radio scanner, poison antidotes, food concentrates, three-minute air supply, fingerprint powder, mini-telescope, smoke pellets, and flotation pods! You’ll be dead after jerking off in no time! Let’s get it on!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

I KNEW it! High-tech masturbatory aids!

Rooftop surveillance is the name of the game tonight. They’re going to practice on a mope named Tony Chekko, a guy who works at WayneTech, who is luckily leaving his house as we speak. They follow him via rooftop hoppin’ and grapplin’ hookin’ until they get to an auto shop with motorcycles parked all over the place. Biker gang. Turns out that Tony was making copies of very sensitive material to sell to these bikers for blowjobs! They have a client who is paying a handsome sum for these prints and designs, but it’s getting harder already. “I told you there’s no way to smuggle the originals out… an’ now they’ve even got a friggin’ guard on the copy machines.”

Robin and Valley sneak to their roof to overhear Biker Gang Leader direct everyone to “their hogs”. They’re going to “do” something tonight like the “old days”. Robin and Valley will follow to see exactly what that might be (Yahtzee tournament). Batman suspects they’ve turned from drugs and guns to industrial secrets. They try to keep up with the hogs, but they’re too fast for these stupid children to follow adequately.

BUT, they assume that they’re headed to WayneTech. And, lo’ and behold, they find Tony Chekko banging on the door. “Yo, Frank – it’s me – Tony – lemme in! I forgot my jacket! My wallet’s in it!”

Frank opens the door and Tony greets him with a gun to the face. A cold cock to the mug sends Frank to the floor, and the gang infiltrates the facility looking for the originals in the office.

Robin instructs Valley to go fuck these guys up, but remember… “Batman never kills. Life is sacred to him. In his book, life even beats justice.” Valley is getting antsy hearing all this shit and just wants to go bust some heads. Robin gives him a stick to, you know, hit or poke the bad guys with. “What am I supposed to do?” Valley asks impatiently. “Smack the bullets?”

Pretty much, actually. What else are you going to do, take the bullets? Robin has a trusty slingshot. With this shit they won’t even take out the Little Rascals!

Batman (Vol. 1), Issue #488

Nothing to see here! We’re just CHUFFTing!

Turns out, Robin’s pretty good with a slingshot. He whips everyone’s guns out of their hands while Valley pokes with his pokin’ stick. They handly take out the bad guys, but Valley does some of that “I didn’t know I could do that” shit, like jumping a thousand feet in the air. Robin tells him that maybe some hypnosis will knock all that stuff out of his head. Here’s hoping. “As for this time, suicide run aside, you did good, man,” Robin congratulates him.

Valley is less than thrilled about the gratitude. How about more of a fucking celebration? “Good–? Just look at this carnage! If we gave each other half a chance, we’d make a good team…”

Robin looks a little teary-eyed. “Hnh — sounds like me talking to Batman.”

We end with Bruce calling up Tim’s doctor, Shondra Kinsolving. He wants to schedule a complete physical exam, finger up the rectum and all! He’s experience some extreme symptoms: fatigue… exhaustion… burn-out.

You don’t need a physical for that. Just go to fucking bed, idiot.

Final Thoughts

Like I’m supposed to give even one piddling little shit about Robin. Don’t you have Geography homework to work on? You have to hand in your paper on Nova Scotia tomorrow. Hahaha! Kids are stupid.


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The Death Knight’s Squire, Chapter 10 – The Cave of Ennui

Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.

Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, fell into a hole and couldn’t get out for a long time. That’s really about it. Oh yeah, he fights a Cultist and wins pretty handily, but now he’s down to 4 HP so he’d better rest up before he gets fucking killed in the woods like a Goofus. After dusting himself off, he presses on.

Learning his lesson from here on out, Milhouse becomes cautious to the point of neurosis. “I’m going to check for traps every time, even if it takes me 45 minutes!” he cries incredulously. A gentle river flows through this area, adding some much-needed de-stressing white noise. Milhouse takes a quick piece of beef jerk (Jack Links!) from his pouch and looks around.

-Stealth roll (DC 10 since the river in this area drowns out some of the noise) = 15 + 3 = 18, obvious win.
-Trap check -> Perception roll (DC 12) = 18 + 0 = 18, which is fucking lucky.

After spending a pertinent amount of time checking for traps, Milhouse decides that the coast is clear. He takes a swig of water and looks up at the sun. Birds fly high overhead. “I need to rest soon,” he thinks, but the cave beyond the stream looks quite enticing. Not one to forgo inspecting anything and everything in the Weathercote Wood, he approaches the stream.

Remember the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin that melted when you took the giant, delicious gem? This isn’t that.

The entrance to the cave is very dark across the stream. It appears to be surrounded by discarded pottery! “Hmm!” says Milhouse, obviously thinking about and being puzzled by the pottery. “Maybe some ancient civilization lived here!” says Milhouse astutely. Milhouse says a lot of things, doesn’t he?

The stream is calm but moving quite swiftly. He refills his waterskin and assesses his situation. Hmmm… maybe he is strong enough to swim across.

-Ugh. Athletics check (DC 12) = 18 – 1 = 17. Man, this guy is so fucking lucky. He never rolls anything lower than 15 anymore.

Milhouse dips the toe of his boot in the water to assess its depth. “Doesn’t seem too bad,” he says as he takes a first step and plunges chest-deep into its frigidity. Good thing he was holding his pack above his head at the time! Whew! The water is so nice and clean and cool it’s like drinking from a bottle of Aquafina, which they have plenty of in Eberron, especially at some of the nicer inns.

-Milhouse gains 1 HP because water = good.

After a time, Milhouse reaches the other bank of the river. He flops on the sand, catching his breath, taking in the vast opening of the cave, kicking around the broken pottery around its entrance. Steeling himself adequately, Milhouse enters the cave. The air is cool and slightly stale.

Click for Larger

“Echo!” Milhouse yells foolishly, drawing the attention of any possible bandits, thieves, or other occupants. The cave does not echo. Feeling sheepish, he carefully moves forward.

-Stealth check (DC 10). 2 + 3 = 5. So much for luck. Stealth failed.
-Check for traps? Yes please. Perception roll (DC 10). 16 + 0 = 16.

Milhouse does careful reconnaissance for trappy traps, but finds nothing but scratches on the cave walls. They don’t seem too important, honestly. The sound of the river grows fainter and fainter as Milhouse progresses farther and farther into the cave.

The cave seems uneventful so far, but the most unsettling thing about it is the sudden giant pile of bones in the middle of the cavern floor. How many people were here to turn into such a well-placed, well-arranged pile of bones? “Did something sinister happen here?” Milhouse asks (yes, of course, you dullard. Something sinister happened here.) Perhaps they were all trapped somehow, but it must have been decades ago since, you know, they’re all bones now and all.

-Gotta make an Investigation roll to check the pile of bones (DC 10). 20 + 5 = 25. Can’t get much better than that!

Hey, wait a minute! KFC ripped me off!

Score! The bone pile contains a lot of artifacts, accessories, and accoutrements. 10gp worth of jewelry (yes please) and 17 pieces of silver (sure, whatever, he’ll take that, too). There’s even a wooden toy soldier, indicating that at least 206 of these bones belong to a child! Milhouse sheds a tear for the fallen while pocketing all his new treasure.

Then he finds a silver locket, dented and rusty and bloody and worse for wear. After prying it open, Milhouse sees the following inscription: “To Fastus Brant, Captain of the Guard of the town of Orlbar, with from his father.” Yeesh, even the Captain of the Guard of Orlbar was trapped here? The nerd couldn’t swim across the river and run away? What gives?

-Against better judgment, considering these people were obviously trapped somehow after hanging around too long, Milhouse takes a quick sojourn and recovers 6 HP, bringing his HP back up to 11.

With nothing left to do except ponder the bones, Milhouse gets up and returns to the entrance of the cavern with more questions than answers. Traversing across the river is no trouble at all, and he returns to his trek through the forest.

-Milhouse approaches the green dot across the river. I am prompted to roll a d100 and I get a hella 95. That’s good, right?

Milhouse thinks he hears something! He is on alert…! But there’s nothing to hear except some birds and the flowing river. Shrugging, he continues on and ends up back at the clearing where he took a long rest a couple of days ago. Knowing that there are no traps here, he settles his bedroll for another long rest.

-Milhouse rests, recovers all 12 of his HP, and recovers his spell slots. I guess this is a good of a time as any to call it quits again! Join me next time when Milhouse finds an iPhone 10 with some porn on it.


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Silo, Season 1 – Living Underground Rules, Actually

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Silo, Season 1 (2023) (AppleTV+)

NewsRadio
Are you telling me that AppleTV+ has really good shows? Stuff like Severance, which has got to be the best show I’ve seen in literal years? And this Silo dealie is supposed to be good too? Sign me up, buttfuckers!

The Premise

Set in some not-entirely-too-far-off-but-maybe dystopian future, 10,000 people live in a giant 144-floor underground silo. It must be long enough in the future that nobody is old enough to know how it’s like on the outside, nor do they have relatives who were able to tell stories about how it’s like on the outside. All they know (or all they’re told) is that it royally sucks on the outside. Poison air, everything’s dead, a giant wasteland. A civilization full of people living their lives without fresh air or real sunlight. No wonder everyone in this show is so white! Ha! Just kidding. One of the show’s stars is Common! He’s the all around Bad Guy in charge of the Judicial department, aka the department that fucks with everyone all the time constantly. Other stars include Rebecca Ferguson as Juliette Nichols, the show’s main protagonist and former engineer of the Mechanical department, Tim Robbins, the head of the IT department / acting Mayor of the Silo, and… a few others that may or may not show up in every episode. This show keeps you guessing a little bit.

Silo, Season 1

Now with 100% more Swedish women with their chins on their fists.

ANYWAY, sci-fi dystopian murder mystery espionage conspiracy show with a bunch of people who look like they rolled through dirt for an hour! There’s your premise.

My Half-Baked Thoughts

This is apparently based on a book series by Hugh Howey? First of all, I’m not reading any book series by a guy named “Hugh Howey”. Second of all, I Googled his face and he looks like a slightly less- and/or equally-deranged Seth Meyers. Is this what we’re exposing our children to?

This was an enjoyable season of television! I wasn’t sold on Episode 1, mainly because everything seemed to be rushing by quickly in typical Pilot fashion, especially in the second half. It also didn’t become the show I wanted it to be, considering that the first episode was dealing with infertility and the question of what lies outside the Silo and then it mostly turned into a sophisticated murder mystery. Personally, I would have greatly enjoyed a character study of many characters with their different roles and stories as it relates to their miserable lives inside the Silo, and how they may intertwine with one another. I guess what I’m saying is I wanted the SILO ITSELF to be the main character of the story, if you catch my drift. No? Maybe you don’t. Maybe I’m crazybones.

Silo, Season 1

Why, Tim Robbins, you’re almost as tall as the Silo itself, sir!

I quickly got over all that, though, and while it wasn’t the show I really wanted, it certainly was solid. Most of the initial intrigue comes from what’s outside the Silo and whether or not the air is actually so toxic as to kill anyone within two minutes of being outside. Rashida Jones is the first to die, if you can believe that shit. Episode One and she’s gone. We see her getting read her last rites, putting on a big ol’ astronaut suit, entering a degassing chamber (or a gassing chamber, as the theory holds), and exiting the Silo via some very well-kept stairs! All because she wanted to do it. This is the price to pay for saying that you want to leave. You get kicked the fuck out.

Next comes her husband, David Oyelowo as the Silo sheriff, who meets Juliette and works on uncovering the many SECRETS OF THE SILO. After about two years he has enough and then rides on out of that Silo as well. He dies right next to Rashida Jones. Together again.

Silo, Season 1

Leslie Knope? Leslie NOPE.

From that point forward it’s all on Juliette to uncover the many SECRETS OF THE SILO and how it relates to the obvious murder of her boyfriend George (Ferdinand Kingsley), who was getting a little too close to uncovering the many SECRETS OF THE SILO. Yada yada yada.

Juliette’s a good, strong character. And I like her crazy, scribbly tattoos. I was completely distracted by her accent, though. I can’t tell if this really how Rebecca Ferguson speaks, or if she’s attempting a typical American accent but her Swedish keeps getting in the way. Common also plays a good jerkass authority figure, and I liked Harriet Walter as Martha, Juliette’s mother figure who hasn’t left her workshop in about 400 years.

Everyone else was either underwhelming or not pivotal to the plot. The 9’5″ Tim Robbins rubbed me the wrong way, and not only because he was a jerkass authority figure, but because his calculated disposition seemed more like wooden acting. Plus, he doesn’t look like a guy that could head an IT department in the first place. He looks like a fuckin’ psychology professor. Geraldine James as the Silo mayor? Who cares, she dies pretty quickly. Avi Nash as Lukas Kyle? Some creep drawing up constellations alone in the common area, creepin’ on Juliette? Not today. Jorah Mormont as Juliette’s father? Weird casting! He should be slaying enemies with Daenerys.

Silo, Season 1

WITH SPECIAL GUEST JORAH MORMONT!

I spent much my time watching Silo trying to imagine myself as a resident. No sunlight or windows, that sounds like the life to me! I can exercise and maintain my stunningly buff and impossibly lean physique by running up and down 144 flights of stairs over and over again until I regurgitate my pancreas. What could my job possibly be? Should I work with all the other greasemonkeys on the lower floors? Or should I hole myself up in my quarters and write some hot and sweaty Harlequin romance novels about sexy Silo pirates who pillage the native Silo women of their clothes and undergarments. Perhaps I’ll be relegated to flipping burgers in the Silo McDonald’s because I flunked out of Silo college. And what about meeting women? Will I need to join a Silo book club? Does the Silo have a bowling alley? Maybe I can work for the Silo Times, the #1 prestigious newspaper of the Silo! Boooooo Silo Herald, boooooo!! You don’t even have the good Sunday funnies with all the relatable Silo jokes.

OK, I’m done.

Silo, Season 1

The lowest COMMON denominator!! HA HA HA HA!!

Worth the Watch?

Yes, but I wouldn’t buy an AppleTV+ for it alone. The pacing is a little slow in the middle, and there’s a lot of potential that seems to be underutilized. Overall, though, the unpredictability of the story kept me going.

Maybe I will check out those books. Hugh Howey, you’ve certainly done it again!


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Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15 – “Torn (Part 3)”

* Part 3 of 6 of the Torn storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #15 – “Torn (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Emma Frost pretends to be Jean Grey and then makes Scott Summers cry and then turns him into a drooling vegetable by the end of the issue for some reason. But at least he has his visor off, showing us all those big, beautiful brown eyes! Catatonic eyes, but hey, they’re eyes nonetheless.

Meanwhile Peter and Kitty are fucking.

And Agent Brand is in a space station gathering intelligence about a new threat to the mutants. That scene was infuriatingly vague and I don’t even care what comes of it. I hope it’s a giant asteroid like the one that killed the dinosaurs. Put all of Earth out of its misery for all I care! Fuck those idiots!

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15 [August, 2006]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Torn (Part 3)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15

I get a nice “Previously on” splash page that catches me up on some details that were lost on me completely. The Hellfire Club, for instance, want to destroy the X-Men! Did I know that? I probably should’ve! Then Scott Summers went all comatose for reliving his past experiences trying to contain his powers as a boy, which is a big “WHATEVER” to me but ok! And Agent Brand is working with S.W.O.R.D. to narrow down the mutant who will be responsible for destroying the Breakworld! And she found him/her/it! That’s a big “WHATEVER” to me, too. Looks like I just don’t care much about this story, huh?

Anyway, Emma Frost works up a tear and enters the kitchenette. “Scott!” she says to Kitty, Peter, and Wolverine. “Oh God, I need, I need… Scott’s gone!”

They tell this hysterical women to sit down and quit being so hysterical! She insists that they need to find Hank, but Hank is busy talking to the bald Hellfire Club woman in his laboratory full of screens and buttons. He warns the woman (who I assume is named Cassandra Nova) that shutting off his human brain is just gonna turn him into Beast, which means ravaged internal organs and lots of pooping all willy-nilly. And Nova doesn’t care. Beast won’t even know she’s there, so suck it.

“Tell me true, while you can…” says Nova as the consciousness of Hank fades with every passing second. “…do you even smell another person in this room?” And to this I say, Cassandra Nova looks like she smells pretty damn badly, so I’m going to go with “yes” and “ew”.

Emma brings the group over to the drooling Scott Summers, who is halfway-flopped on the bed. Emma just found him here this way, cross her heart and hope to die, stick a needle in Wolverine’s eye! Peter’s going to take him to the lab to talk to Hank-Beast about removing the catatonia with smelling salts and hardcore pornography. One wonders if Scott has lost his power? Which is crying, basically. Emma “wonders” if this could be an attack, so Kitty is going to check on the students to see if they’re all in one piece.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Wake up, dingus. You’ve got a lot of sobbing into a pillow to do today.

Kitty enters a room with a figure sitting on a couch. She asks the figure if they saw anyone around who looks like they don’t belong, but this figure doesn’t belong. It’s Hellfire Club Member #4010 (Negasonic Teenage Warhead?) and she looks ready to pounce on unsuspecting young women.

Hellfire Club Member #518 (Sebastian Shaw) enters the lab to talk to Peter. With one metal fist, Peter-Colossus punches the guy square in the nose, pushing the cartilage up into his brain and killing him instantly! Or, rather, he barely bleeds. “What have you done to Scott?” says Peter-Colossus, getting right up into Shaw’s face. Shaw basically responds with “Way to bone Kitty Pryde, honcho” and continues getting his ass kicked.

Negasonic Teenage Warhead tells Kitty that she dreamed of this encounter. “I dreamed you phased away. I dreamed you couldn’t stop.” And, lo’ and behold, Kitty phases through the floor…

Meanwhile, Nova has turned Wolverine’s brain into that of a happy little girl. He’s making little paper girls with pink construction paper. “Isn’t it the best, Miss Nova?” Wolverine smiles with joy in his heart and pep in his step! “Say mine is the best or I shall be cross all day!”

Beast, all feral and whatnot, shows up to tear Wolverine a new butthole where there wasn’t previously a butthole. Not his face, there’s one there already…

Kitty won’t stop phasing through the Earth’s crust. “I can beat this,” she thinks. “I’m not gonna be purpled-manned by some goth punk.” She’s gotta focus or she’ll be killed by *Dr. Evil voice* burning hot mag-ma. She successfully phases through that and now she’s in some sort of dark void that is presumably the Earth’s mantle.

Colossus is really kicking Sebastian Shaw’s ass. We’ll leave him to it.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15

Oh dear, that strawberry Hershey’s syrup is getting everywhere.

Wing’s friend, I forget her damn name, she’s speaking to a girl named Blindfold who is clutching her knees in a bathroom stall. She tells Hisako (her name is Hisako, I know this now) that she’s just sitting and to go away. Hisako is like “what’s up?” and Blindfold is like “someone else is gonna die, Hisako, goddamnit!”

Wolverine bursts into the girls’ bathroom crying about being chased by Beast. “A beast!” he yells, clutching Hisako’s legs. “A tiger, only blue, and large as a moose! Do hide me, only say you’ll do…”

They hide behind a stall just as Beast bursts through the wall, splintering wood everywhere. He sniffs the air, then finds Blindfold immediately. He gets his drooling, snarling teeth right up into her can’t-see-a-thing face. Hisako bubbles up and punches Beast out of the bathroom. She becomes some huge Transformer thing, which scares the shit out of Beast and causes him to run off. “…hell was that?” Hisako asks herself. It’s justice, lady. It’s justice.

“Not that I entirely care… but these guys just cannot catch a break.” Agent Brand of S.W.O.R.D. shakes her damn head. “The psychic turmoil coming from that mansion is overwhelming.”

What’s-his-face, the hissing lizard dude, he will go “run the files”. He is warned to stay away from the prisoner. “Whatever’s going down… it’s not gonna help him now.”

I love the Agent Brand scenes because of all the fucking vaguebooking, you know? Really gets me interested in comic books.

“Please do not turn around. I have instructed the monitors not to detect me. But if you appear to be conversing, even with yourself, it will not go unnoticed. Besides, your best move now would be to listen.” This is the prisoner talking, and she looks like Robot Medusa. Maybe because she is? Don’t fucking know! Don’t know! Don’t care! Don’t care!

She talks to the guard, tries to manipulate and schmooze him. They’re both victims of the mutant threat, yada yada yada. The guard tells the prisoner to watch her tongue. The prisoner tells the guard that the Killer of Worlds has been found. “And you are very lost,” she continues. The guard perks up a little at that! The Percolator, that’s what I’ll call him.

Peter is still beating up Sebastian Shaw, but he has a trick up his sleeve.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #15

That’s right, bitch. Smack me around, it just makes my powers Worse.

So Shaw claps Peter really hard on both ears. He falls over silently, clearing the path for Shaw to do horrible, unsexy things to Scott Summers! Oh, one can only imagine the horribleness and the unsexiness!

“Summers is a zombie,” Shaw reports to Nova. “Pryde’s a ghost. Rasputin, a victim of his own rage. Believe me when I say he has plenty,” he says, icepack on his swollen face.

“My two were simplicity itself,” brags Nova while Emma sits in a chair looking sad. “A beast who thought he was a man. And a frightened little boy who fancied himself a beast.” She watches as Beast chases Wolverine around the school grounds. Perfection (that’s the hooded one, I remembered her!) calls this whole thing prologue. The real story hasn’t even begun yet.

“Being an X-Man means a lot to me,” thinks Kitty as she continues phasing through the Earth. “but it doesn’t always agree with me.”

Kitty reminds herself that it was Emma Frost who brought her into the team. Well, lady, you’ve met your match! Once… she… you know… figures out how to get back to the surface… ha ha… um… it’s curtains for you! Curtains! Hopefully…

Final Thoughts

Looks like the X-Men are irrevocably fucked! That must explain why not a single X-Men comic has come out since August, 2006!

See you next time, morons.


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Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #656 – “Besieged”

* Part 8 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #656 – “Besieged”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, Ulysses Hadrian “Poopypants” Armstrong has amassed his army of street toughs, corner boys, and dope fiends and is now advancing upon the 43rd precinct building. Here, they will most assuredly shake hands with all the cops and tell them what a good job they’re all doing keeping Gotham City safe from ruffians like—HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

Batman has to stop Armstrong’s army before they drop napalm on Commissioner Gordon’s face, or whatever. I don’t care.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #656 [February, 1993]
Written by: Chuck Dixon
“Besieged”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #656

Striking the 43rd precinct serves two purposes, per Armstrong. 1) It removes the police as a threat. 2) It opens their property room full of guns, drugs, cash, cake and ice cream.

The first thing they do is take out the phones. Then they take out the lights. Then they blow a shell through the fucking roof.

“NO PRISONERS! NO PRISONERS!” Armstrong yells as they all move in for the kill. They blast the building with shells and rockets, blowing holes in the walls and windows. Armstrong already celebrates victory! He cracks open a cold Miller Lite and lounges back in an easy chair he found in the dumpster.

Some flat top motherfucking pig-ass cop is prepared for the invasion. The building was built after the Civil War, son! It can handle anything and everything! “…at least ‘til help gets here,” he says, lighting a cigarette. Of course, since the phones are down, no one can call out for help. No matter, someone going to hear those goddamn rocket launchers going off. Only a matter of time before someone helps, right? Guys…?

Armstrong’s rooftop men see the Batmobile barrel down the street at 400mph. Not this fuckin’ guy, I swear to god. “Throw everything you have against him!” one guy screams as they pelt the car with bullets and bombs and water from their squirt guns. “Everything ain’t gonna be enough!” they yell because the Batmobile is made out of dark matter that Nibbler from Futurama shits out.

The cops watch as a couple of guys roll a drum toward the building. “That looks like some kinda bomb,” says one. It explodes, killing tens of hundreds of thousands of tens of millions of cops. “All right! Everyone down to the holding cells! We make our stand there!” says Flat Top Cop.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 656

Then, my friend, you’ve never played a game of Parcheesi!

Armstrong is cumming with delight over the carnage and, frankly, rude illegal things he’s doing. His schlong is nice and turgid… until Batman shows up to ruin the boner. The army starts trying to torch the car, but (miraculously) Batman is up on one of the building roofs. With a remote control, he sends the car speeding off back in the direction it came. “Whoa! Ha! I told you he wasn’t a serious threat!” yells Armstrong. “Just a masked lunatic.”

This is one masked lunatic you don’t want to trifle with, kiddo. He’s dangerous! He plays that game with the knife where he spreads his fingers out and pokes the table between them. That’s some serious badassery!

Anyway, the cops go to the holding cells where the drunks and degenerates are hanging out swilling liquids from jugs with “XXX” marked on them. The cops talk amongst themselves about the assailants’ agenda, and it’s probably the impound room that they’re after. “It’s like a narcotics and firearms supermarket in there and more cash than they’d get in a dozen bank jobs. All they gotta do is kill all of us.”

Sounds like a plan to me! You know what they say: the only good cop is a dead cop! Ha ha ha! Just kidding! Or am I? BLUE LIVES MATTER! lol

Armstrong blasts his way into the impound room and has his way with it against its consent. Then Batman drops down in front of them with a dramatic billow of his cape and starts kicking some gangster army ass. Armstrong poops his pants and orders his men to focus on the masked guy. “He’s only one man!” he screams. Yeah, one hunk o’ man.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 656

Or just get your ass kicked around the room. That works too, I guess.

Batman tells the army to run while there’s still time, and most of them do. Armstrong, however, is Headstrong. “You don’t scare me!” he yells, blasting Batman with his gun. “I won’t let you scare me!”

Armstrong is bloody scared, son.

“You’re just a bully! You can’t frighten me!” he continues, pooping his already poop-filled pants. “I’m a general now! I have an army!”

Batman calls the kid a “scared little boy”, which causes Armstrong to make a “buhhhhhh” face. Then he literally runs away screaming “MOMMY!” in bold red letters as Batman advances on him. Armstrong cries and begs Batman not to hurt him, and of course Batman wouldn’t hurt a child! Even if that child was 8-year-old Hitler with an adorable toothbrush mustache. This allows Armstrong the opportunity to shiv Batman in his side. He laughs with delight as he runs away.

Batman pretty much punches his own face as punishment for letting the kid get away.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 656

Hell yeah, man! More cops! Let’s step on some black guys’ necks! BLUE LIVES MATTER!!!

Downstairs among the holding cells, the cops and drunks notice the gunshots have stopped and have been replaced with the sweet, sweet sound of sirens coming to save everyone after they get donuts. The crew runs up the stairs and, much to their collective chagrin, spot the shadow of Batman looming around a corner…

Armstrong has lost the battle as he watches his entire army, all 4,000 of them, get arrested by Harvey Bullock. But he’s confident that he will win the war. There will be other days, other battles, and other chances to hack Batman with a rusty machete! “I hate him for his meddling. I hate myself for underestimating him.”

Batman must have heard the little geek’s thoughts, because he turns around and starts chasing the kid. He scoops Armstrong up by the scruff and wags his finger at him for being so gosh-damned murderous and naughty! “You’ll be tried as an adult. You won’t see the light of day until you’re eighteenth birthday. And I’ll still be here. And next time we meet you’ll be an adult. Remember that.”

Sounds sexy! Meanwhile, Bullock is grilling members of the pisspants army to find out who the ringleader is. They point to the kid, who is hanging upside-down by his legs from a lamppost. And that’s the end of that chapter! *dusts off hands, grabs a hamburger*

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 656

April Fool’s! Your son is actually dead!

Armstrong’s mother gets a call from the police that Armstrong is being a Bad Boy.

“Dad, could Ulysses go to the electric chair?” asks the young Armstrong daughter. And dear ol’ Dad, he puts his hand on her shoulder. “We can always hope,” he says.

Bruce Wayne is done for the day! Alfred sets his breakfast by the bed and snarls at the millionaire playboy who is asleep on a fancy chair and still in his Batman costume.

*laugh track*

Final Thoughts

What a hoot! I have no final thoughts! Things were wrapped nicely and I feel duly satisfied! Great story! A+! Would read again! Wakka wakka! See you in the funny pages!


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