Dungeons & Dragons is the world’s most famous tabletop role-playing game. There are elves and dice and dungeon masters who wear capes. I’m embarrassed for even playing this.
Disclaimer: I’m learning as I go. There is a 100% chance that I’ll fuck up, not take something seriously enough, and piss you off to no end. Get over it.
Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, fell into a hole and couldn’t get out for a long time. That’s really about it. Oh yeah, he fights a Cultist and wins pretty handily, but now he’s down to 4 HP so he’d better rest up before he gets fucking killed in the woods like a Goofus. After dusting himself off, he presses on.
Learning his lesson from here on out, Milhouse becomes cautious to the point of neurosis. “I’m going to check for traps every time, even if it takes me 45 minutes!” he cries incredulously. A gentle river flows through this area, adding some much-needed de-stressing white noise. Milhouse takes a quick piece of beef jerk (Jack Links!) from his pouch and looks around.
-Stealth roll (DC 10 since the river in this area drowns out some of the noise) = 15 + 3 = 18, obvious win.
-Trap check -> Perception roll (DC 12) = 18 + 0 = 18, which is fucking lucky.
After spending a pertinent amount of time checking for traps, Milhouse decides that the coast is clear. He takes a swig of water and looks up at the sun. Birds fly high overhead. “I need to rest soon,” he thinks, but the cave beyond the stream looks quite enticing. Not one to forgo inspecting anything and everything in the Weathercote Wood, he approaches the stream.
Remember the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin that melted when you took the giant, delicious gem? This isn’t that.
The entrance to the cave is very dark across the stream. It appears to be surrounded by discarded pottery! “Hmm!” says Milhouse, obviously thinking about and being puzzled by the pottery. “Maybe some ancient civilization lived here!” says Milhouse astutely. Milhouse says a lot of things, doesn’t he?
The stream is calm but moving quite swiftly. He refills his waterskin and assesses his situation. Hmmm… maybe he is strong enough to swim across.
-Ugh. Athletics check (DC 12) = 18 – 1 = 17. Man, this guy is so fucking lucky. He never rolls anything lower than 15 anymore.
Milhouse dips the toe of his boot in the water to assess its depth. “Doesn’t seem too bad,” he says as he takes a first step and plunges chest-deep into its frigidity. Good thing he was holding his pack above his head at the time! Whew! The water is so nice and clean and cool it’s like drinking from a bottle of Aquafina, which they have plenty of in Eberron, especially at some of the nicer inns.
-Milhouse gains 1 HP because water = good.
After a time, Milhouse reaches the other bank of the river. He flops on the sand, catching his breath, taking in the vast opening of the cave, kicking around the broken pottery around its entrance. Steeling himself adequately, Milhouse enters the cave. The air is cool and slightly stale.
“Echo!” Milhouse yells foolishly, drawing the attention of any possible bandits, thieves, or other occupants. The cave does not echo. Feeling sheepish, he carefully moves forward.
-Stealth check (DC 10). 2 + 3 = 5. So much for luck. Stealth failed.
-Check for traps? Yes please. Perception roll (DC 10). 16 + 0 = 16.
Milhouse does careful reconnaissance for trappy traps, but finds nothing but scratches on the cave walls. They don’t seem too important, honestly. The sound of the river grows fainter and fainter as Milhouse progresses farther and farther into the cave.
The cave seems uneventful so far, but the most unsettling thing about it is the sudden giant pile of bones in the middle of the cavern floor. How many people were here to turn into such a well-placed, well-arranged pile of bones? “Did something sinister happen here?” Milhouse asks (yes, of course, you dullard. Something sinister happened here.) Perhaps they were all trapped somehow, but it must have been decades ago since, you know, they’re all bones now and all.
-Gotta make an Investigation roll to check the pile of bones (DC 10). 20 + 5 = 25. Can’t get much better than that!
Hey, wait a minute! KFC ripped me off!
Score! The bone pile contains a lot of artifacts, accessories, and accoutrements. 10gp worth of jewelry (yes please) and 17 pieces of silver (sure, whatever, he’ll take that, too). There’s even a wooden toy soldier, indicating that at least 206 of these bones belong to a child! Milhouse sheds a tear for the fallen while pocketing all his new treasure.
Then he finds a silver locket, dented and rusty and bloody and worse for wear. After prying it open, Milhouse sees the following inscription: “To Fastus Brant, Captain of the Guard of the town of Orlbar, with from his father.” Yeesh, even the Captain of the Guard of Orlbar was trapped here? The nerd couldn’t swim across the river and run away? What gives?
-Against better judgment, considering these people were obviously trapped somehow after hanging around too long, Milhouse takes a quick sojourn and recovers 6 HP, bringing his HP back up to 11.
With nothing left to do except ponder the bones, Milhouse gets up and returns to the entrance of the cavern with more questions than answers. Traversing across the river is no trouble at all, and he returns to his trek through the forest.
-Milhouse approaches the green dot across the river. I am prompted to roll a d100 and I get a hella 95. That’s good, right?
Milhouse thinks he hears something! He is on alert…! But there’s nothing to hear except some birds and the flowing river. Shrugging, he continues on and ends up back at the clearing where he took a long rest a couple of days ago. Knowing that there are no traps here, he settles his bedroll for another long rest.
-Milhouse rests, recovers all 12 of his HP, and recovers his spell slots. I guess this is a good of a time as any to call it quits again! Join me next time when Milhouse finds an iPhone 10 with some porn on it.
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