Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Down Below”! In the previous installment, Keeve and Crew (Sskeer and a couple of bald bastards named Ceret and Terec) discover a ship that has been completely destroyed by the Nihil. Sskeer obliterates the only remaining Nihil survivor during a well-timed Vietnam flashback while the rest of the crew discovers a dead Hutt and a shipment of bacta-producing herbs and spices!

Sskeer and Ceret travel to Sedri Minor where there are crops of barley aplenty. Ceret gets attacked by some tentacled thing in the fields, and that was the cliffhanger. Like we’re all supposed to care about Ceret! I certainly don’t care about Ceret! Fuck Ceret! I hope he’s totally dead!

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [May, 2021]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“Down Below”

Sskeer shrieks on the ship, and Terec correctly assumes that Sskeer has been possessed by some nefarious darkness! But he’s one to talk: he’s frothing at the mouth. “You must calm yourself, Jedi,” says Avar Kriss, but Terec will not calm himself! Quite the opposite, in fact! “How can we, Avar Kriss? You don’t understand. We’ve already lost.”

When Sskeer points out that Terec his lost his goddamned fuckhole mind, Kriss points out that it is he who slaughtered a Nihil in cold blood in a sexual rage! “Hmp–like you’ve never made a mistake,” Sskeer says, waving the whole thing off. Then Sskeer punches Terec in the face. lol

“It’s not supposed to be like this,” Keeve thinks. “I’m a Jedi Knight. I’m supposed to to help. I’m supposed to know what to do. And yet I’m out here standing guard while my former master loses his mind.

A couple of Sedri Minor children approach Keeve with a basket of bread. Keeve is thankful for the gesture, but they have food of their own: tubes of gunk like the astronauts eat. That doesn’t stop a young alien couple approaching Keeve with an offering of their own: Samana spiced loaf. It takes like strawberries and feces!

I’m probably supposed to know what alien race they are because if I’m reading Star Wars comics then I already have encyclopedic knowledge of all Star Wars content, right? Well, I don’t fucking know, so fuck me in the ass! When asked if Keeve thinks her friends are all right, Keeve gives a canned “the Force is probably with them, you know?” response. The alien man tells her that their son Julus has disappeared in the fields, too. And many others, besides. Five, to be exact. “Some say the planet is cursed. First the crops fail, and then this… and no one will do anything.” Well, someone’s an ungrateful little bastard, aren’t they? Count your blessings, especially since your missing child kind of sucks anyway.

What’s up, Kal Sulman? You appear to be pleasingly plump! Want some Samana spiced loaf??

A dude named Kal Sulman enters the scene all huffy and puffy, insisting that their community has nothing to do with the disappearances. Keeve fesses up that the Hutts and the Nihil may be involved, and that the barley from the ship came from Sedri Minor. Kal Sulman will hear none of it! This is all made-up hooey! They’ll deal with it without Jedi interference! Good day! I said good day!

“The Jedi don’t need your food, and they certainly don’t need your rumor-mongering,” he chastises the locals. Keeve is like “oh shit, I didn’t mean to get anyone in trouble” and doesn’t know what to do. She can’t even go to the Masters right now because they’re otherwise occupied.

But, do something she must.

So Keeve whips out her lightsaber and hacks her way through the thickets of the field, destroyed crops left and right like a true asshole. Suddenly, she hears a rustling… “Who’s there? Show yourself,” she says, readying her blade. A child comes out of the crops in awe of the lightsaber, and Keeve tells him to never sneak up on a Jedi again or he’ll be CLEFT IN TWAIN. “I didn’t know you could sneak up on a Jedi,” the kid says, calling Keeve out. She hems and haws, clearly flustered.

The kid leads Keeve deeper into the field. “We should look for your friend… and Julus too. You’ll like Julus. He’s funny.”

The kid is named Bartol, and he already knows Keeve’s name because Sskeer yelled it earlier. “He yells a lot,” Bartol points out correctly. Keeve shuts the kid up; she feels a shadow lurking in the midst. Then they come upon an enormous sinkhole, which seems odd in the middle of a field such as this. Bartol thinks it’s boring to just stare at the sinkhole, so he jumps right in! And then Bartol dies and no one cares.

Actually, Keeve catches him with the Force. The Force wins again! Keeve leaps down herself and lands gracefully as she places Bartol down gingerly. Then she gets that Spidey-Sense thing again that tells her something nefarious is prowling around. “And it knows we’re coming.”

Meanwhile, Terec is lying wide-eyed on a gurney, passed out. Both Kriss and Sskeer are like “I ‘unno what’s going on!” and it’s probably some dark side shit. And Kriss is in the middle of giving Sskeer the business when Maru rings her on the ol’ comm. They’re dissecting the dead Hutt for clues! “Grand Master Lahru was most perturbed when I told him you had requested an autopsy,” Maru says. Kriss tells him to keep going and who cares.

Kal Sulman strikes again! Here, have some more Samana spiced loaf!

Kal Sulman thinks he has the balls to address Avar Kriss with indignity! “The girl you left guarding your ship? Where is she? She has no right sneaking around. None of you do.” Sskeer tells him that they’re trying to protect his people, to which Sulman harumphs! “By continually losing your own? I feel safer already.”

Kriss suggests looking for Keeve with him. That way he can feel included, which is what he wants anyway, right? Sskeer, you stay on the fucking ship and don’t let Terec out of your sight. Don’t screw this up or we’ll take away your spiced loaf.

Keeve and Bartol are going through a dark cave lit only by Keeve’s extremely bright saber. She senses dark side up the wazoo. What tipped her off? Somone says the following in extremely dark speech balloons: “You will be consumed. All will be consumed.” It hurts Keeve’s head, these dark side mumblings. If only there was some light side stuff to cancel it all out!

Bartol goes on ahead, then suddenly screams. Keeve catches up with him and discovers Ceret hanging upside down by a tangle of vines. Julus is next to him. “What’s happened to them?” Bartol says with extreme consternation. Keeve cuts them down, but neither seem to be responding to external stimuli. Not even a little crotch rub. Looks like Julus is dead for sure! Sorry kiddo.

Bartol slams his fists against Keeve’s back in grief. Keeve turns around and gives him a hug. And then she says “but Ceret seems to still be alive lol. Let’s check.”

In a real bonehead move, Keeve gives Bartol the lightsaber to use as a flashlight. “Just try not to lose an arm, ‘kay?” she says as she checks on Ceret. A worm is halfway into Ceret’s ear. “What are these things?”

Well, you could have told me that before I ate half of this steak tartare.

“Keeve Trennis… beware,” says Ceret before a tendril grabs Bartol’s leg. Keeve Forces the saber to cut off the tendril and Bartol runs free safely. Or is he? No meat is safe, apparently.

NOT FROM THE DRENGIR! A huge, horrible, tendril-filled monster crying for meat! Run! Ruuun!

“It has them now…” says Terec, sitting up on his gurney in a fugue. “the darkness.”

Sskeer puts his scaly hand on Terec’s forehead and tells him to center himself, damnit! “NO!” Terec screams in Darkside-ese. Suddenly, he spits out a mist of inky blackness right into Sskeer’s less-than-handsome face! “Poor Jedi,” Terec says, overcome with dark side energy. “So lost… so alone. Come with us, Sskeer – we can make you whole.”

Ceret, meanwhile, is also compromised. As he grabs Bartol, Keeve looks behind her with frustration. “Come on, Ceret – don’t I have enough to deal with?” she says, fending off the Drengir. The monster starts grabbing Keeve’s head and it’s most certainly a messy death for the young Jedi Knight… until Avar Kriss’ lightsaber penetrates the cave ceiling and cuts down the Drengir in half. Now “that’s” what I “call” a “badass move”.

She notices that Ceret is acting like a dingus, so she holds her hand out and insists that Ceret comes back to the Light. Good thing Avar Kriss is the best Jedi to ever Jedi, because Ceret snaps out of it immediately. Keeve assures Bartol that they’ll get out of there and back home, leading the kid into a false sense of security for sure, because the two halves of Drengir form two different Drengirs! “There is no essscape–” one says scarily! Now Sskeer shows up saying stuff like a dark side mofo. “–the harvessst will be bountiful. The harvessst will be pure.”

Final Thoughts

WHAT A DOOZY OF A STORY. How is anyone getting out of this alive when monsters and Jedi alike are dark-siding up the place with its stinky putrescence? Only Trump can save us now!