She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Motion”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Law and Disorder storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1 – “Motion”!

She-Hulk! I think it’s pretty funny that I’m tackling a She-Hulk series before I ever ever tackled a regular ol’ Hulk series. Maybe by the time you’re reading this I got around to a regular Hulk series, but fuck that guy. What am I gonna do, read about him getting so mad that he takes a big green shit all over the place?

Here’s what I know about She-Hulk. She’s a lawyer and she was played by the hot lady from Orphan Black in the miniseries. I don’t even know She-Hulk’s real name, so I’m just going to call her “Giada Coltrane McGillicuddy” until further notice.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [April, 2014]
Written by: Charles Soule
“Motion”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1

A lengthy preamble brings me up to speed! Jennifer Walters is her name. She’s shy and good at her lawyering job. She was gunned down (!) by a crime boss (!!) and got a blood transfusion from her cousin Bruce Banner. Now she can Hulk out, but she can control it and do the Hulk thing whenever she wants and she doesn’t even get angry about it like Lou Ferrigno.

She-Hulk lounges at her desk inside her lavish corner office. She’s waiting for her yearly review, which she thinks she’s going to ace because she billed out over 2,800 hours while she was housesitting for the Fantastic Four. Cynthia, a woman in She-Hulk’s office who doesn’t seem to mind that her business associate is green, is nervous for her.

“They’re ready for you in the partners’ conference room, Ms. Walters,” chimes the voice on the other end of her phone intercom. Super! She-Hulk struts the fuck out of there like she’s on top of the shitty world.

She-Hulk marvels at the partners’ conference room. She’s never had the privilege to be in such a pristine VIP room for the big wigs who like to fuck their prostitutes on the $50,000 conference table. She sits down with the two Review Men.

“Ms. Walters, you’ve been with us for a year. As you know, the purpose of this review is to assess your performance as an associate, and to provide recommendations for going forward,” explains a sallow, sunken-faced old fuck. Then, of course, her year-end bonus will also be a topic of brief, almost non-existent discussion.

She-Hulk can’t wait. It’s going to be a real meaty piece of juicy compensation!

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Maybe you should stop scaring away clients with your big, dumb, green face.

…and she doesn’t get her bonus. Look, lady, you are being paid a fuckton of money as it is. And your billable hours are irrelevant for two reasons: 1) shut up, and 2) go away.

The Review Men hem and haw for a moment before admitting that, frankly, She-Hulk should already know why she’s not getting a bonus. They only hired her for her connections, and they have yet to see any clients from the superhero side of things. Like, Tony Stark and Reed Richards and Giada Coltrane McGillicuddy! Where are they? Why is it always Jim-Bob Horsefucker from Toad Suck, Arkansas? Where are the good, RESPECTABLE clients??

“While we appreciate your diligence, Ms. Walters, you were not hired to bill hours and work cases. We have lawyers for that.”

She-Hulk isn’t going to take this sitting down! So she stands up instead. “I deserve better than this,” she claims wrongly. She points out the window to the city she has helped save about a million times over. Plus, she’s a pretty decent attorney and is good at winning cases, also, in fact. She’s not here to strongarm Tony Stark into being represented by the Law Offices of Douchebag and Doucheturd. No way.

The two Review Men glance at each other and decide, hey, now’s a good time to fire this green bitch! However, she quits before Sallow Sunken-Face can finish his sentence, which makes things easier for everyone! Her current clients will get redistributed! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, unless of course you want it to!

She breaks the $50,000 conference table on her way out. For fun. Instead of looking mad and vindictive, the two men just look scared and perplexed. That’ll show ‘em.

Is She-Hulk permanently green? She’s at a bar now enjoying a nice job-quittin’ drink while looking very conspicuous. So conspicuous, in fact, that she gets approached by a woman. “Hello. You’re an attorney right?” she asks, which She-Hulk gets catty about and reminds the woman that this is a lawyer bar full of lawyers and you can’t throw a rock without hitting a lawyer and killing them. So don’t even try unless you want to rid the Earth of a few lawyers, which isn’t necessarily a bad idea.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Looks like you should’ve just passed the bar!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!

The woman is named Holly Harrow, and she is having trouble finding a lawyer who will actually take her case. She-Hulk takes a look at Harrow’s paperwork and decides, yeah, taking such a case would be career suicide. You know, going up against “this guy” and all. The conversation keeps things vague but, basically, Harrow’s husband is dead and his patent was possibly stolen. She-Hulk won’t take the case either because a) shut up, and b) go away.

But actually, it’s because she knows “this guy” and she’s pretty confident that a quick conversation will settle things out of court. And so it shall be.

Later, She-Hulk visits Stark Tower to visit the Man, the Myth, the Legend himself: Robert Downey Jr., of course. He was pretty good in Weird Science. You know, that movie about the sex robot. Once She-Hulk mentions to the twin hologram secretaries that the discussion is related to lawyering, she is directed to the 18th floor where she won’t see Robert Downey Jr. yet.

The 18th floor is merely a long-ass hallway that leads to a creepy bald man with sunglasses and a purple bowtie sitting behind a desk. He calls himself Legal, and he’s here to vet legal matters to make sure they’re worthy for Tony Stark’s attention. Legal is already aware of the Harrow matter. Holly’s husband, Dr. Jonas Harrow, was some evil creator of murder weapons and he claimed that Stark stole some tech way back in the day. Well, don’t bother with this case. It’s dead in the water! She-Hulk still wants to talk to Stark about it, but Legal blah-blah-blahs profusely about the history of Stark’s enterprise as some sort of excuse. So am-scray.

And am-scray she does, intending to take this matter to court! The chip on her shoulder is the size of a Tostido!

We jump to court immediately! Legal is about 3’2” tall and he looks like I could punt his ass to the moon. She-Hulk’s opening arguments are as follows: …wait, Legal has something to say? Go ahead Legal. Mmm-hmm. You have new motions to introduce at this time? “We’re moving for summary judgment, change of venue, extensions on multiple grounds, countersuit based on tortious interference, and, among other things, alleging that Ms. Walters is not competent at serving counsel in this matter due to her relationship with my client, Mr. Stark.”

Legal’s four attorney sidekicks present the judge with boxes upon boxes of files and notes.

“In particular, we sugges that Ms. Walters holds a personal grudge against Mr. Stark due to physical confrontations where she came out on the losing side, and previous romantic relationships between the two.”

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1

Homework sucks, right kids?

Later, Holly Harrow takes She-Hulk to her self-storage space where all of Dr. Jonas Harrow’s evil inventions, guns and blowup dolls are stored. What was supposed to be a two-minute conversation with Tony Stark has turned into Shit City. She-Hulk sighs and promises to sort everything out and try to find something she can use in a Court of Law.

Eventually, She-Hulk finds a microcassette with a damning recording! Bingo bango, sir. Making haste, she storms back to Stark Tower which is guarded by robots who want She-Hulk gone for being an overall nuisance. Now, finally, we get to see She-Hulk really Hulk out! And that means her muscles get bigger and she rips her pants to shreds. Time to see Tony Stark.

Stark is happy to see her! Or maybe it’s a gun in his pocket. At any rate, She-Hulk lays it out for him. Dr. Jonas Harrow pitched his patent to a company called Accutech where he met with a guy named Eddie Finch and recorded their conversation. Six months later, Accutech introduced repulsor tech identical to Harrow’s patent! Fuckin’ Finch, right? That guy is a snake.

Now, sir, based on the Accutech public filings, your Starky company made $80 million from the repulsor tech’s designs. Uh oh!

Stark claims he never even met Eddie Finch. He wasn’t aware of any of these shady dealings. And She-Hulk believes him, which is why she came straight to him to talk in the first place. Call off your bald Legal nerd and cut Holly Harrow a nice fat check before things get ugly. Pay more attention to what your company is doing next time, idiot.

It turns out that Tony Stark is happy to see her, if you catch my drift.

She-Hulk (Vol. 3), Issue #1

I would’ve held out for at least $150,002.00.

Later, in the lawyer bar for lawyering lawyers, Holly thanks She-Hulk for her efforts. A nice fat check is just what the doctor ordered! Tony Stark gave Holly so much money that she can afford to pay She-Hulk $150,000! She-Hulk accepts graciously and decides to use the money to start her own law firm.

And the rest, they say, is history. I hope you enjoyed She-Hulk (2014), Issue #1! I’ll never read another one for the rest of my life.

Final Thoughts

Just kidding! Had you going there for a second, didn’t I?


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Jane’s Journey, Chapter 4 – Trouble in Winterwood

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In Ironsworn, you are a hero sworn to undertake perilous quests in the dark fantasy setting of the Ironlands. You will explore untracked wilds, fight desperate battles, forge bonds with isolated communities, and reveal the secrets of this harsh land. Most importantly, you will swear iron vows and see them fulfilled—no matter the cost.

I was happy to finally reach civilization after, gods, it must have been seven or eight hours easily. Walking, fighting, resting, moving through pain. I am lucky that I made it to Winterwood in one piece! I hope that I’ll be able to find a nice feathered bed with a possibility of a meal. It is quite late, and the inn may no longer have food available. And the cooks and serving girls are likely all asleep! Even a morsel would do, I need something to eat today other than nuts and berries.

I descend the hill toward town where I find a gate flanked by two guardsmen. “Hello, sirs. I am Lady Jane of the noble House of Kormack in the seat of Wolfspire. I come here to fulfill an iron vow to the healer of my village. If it isn’t too much trouble, I’d like to rest for the night at the inn. Might you could point me in the direction and I’ll be on my way.”

The guards glanced at each other before looking back at me. Each clad in chainmail and holding a spear by their side, I felt so much smaller in their presence. “Lady Jane of the House of Kormack, eh?” said one, looking me up and down. “I’ve never seen a noble woman who looked so much like a boy. Where is your hair, ‘Lady Jane?'” The other guard snickered. My stomach sank to my feet. I made it this far and now I was to be turned away. “A jest, Lady Jane,” the guard laughed, motioning me through the gate. “I have my scruples. I would not turn away a Lady even if she did look like a boy, if you are who you purport you are.” He sized me up and gave me a hard look. “Just don’t make trouble. You’ll find the inn just up the road to the left, the only stead with candles still flickering in the windows.”

I thanked the guards graciously and pressed forward with a sigh of relief. Had it been a few hours earlier I would have had no issue entering the village, but this late at night? They had reason to be wary. Nevertheless, I made the short traverse to the inn and entered through the doors to be welcomed by the mouth-watering smell of soup from the cooking pot. The coals under the pot smoldered lightly; not the most confident sign. The plump innkeeper welcomed me with an air of impatience. “My, you appear to be quite the impish boy. Where are your father and mother, boy?”

I was starting to get rather indignant by all this “boy” nonsense. Is this how every village treats its wanderers and passers-by? “I’d like a room and possibly some of the delicious soup I smell over in the pot in the corner. I don’t have coin, but I’m willing to offer other services. Perhaps I can clean the rooms in the morning after your other patrons take their leave?”

The innkeeper snorted. “These may be the Ironlands, but I haven’t known many travelers to have no coin on their person. Very well, but be awake at sunup. I take in many travelers who leave at dawn and I need those rooms made for my next guests. As for the soup, you’ll find the pot to be empty. It’s quite late, you know. We can’t be making food all damn day and night. Go on upstairs now. There is an unoccupied room all the way down the hall on the right, the fifth room down. Don’t cause trouble.”

Again, graciously, I thanked the innkeeper and found myself seething as I moved myself upstairs. How dare I be treated this way? Does he know who I am, nobility of a House that he and his ilk swear fealty to? I could make his life miserable indeed if I had half a mind to! Ah, but I was too exhausted to give it much more thought. I could hear the rumblings of loud snoring from many of the other rooms, some snoring even loud enough that I worried about being kept up through the night. No matter, the thought of a warm breakfast in the morning was enticing. I removed my bow and quiver and sack and placed them in the corner, laid myself upon the soft feather bed and fell asleep before I even re-poulticed my wounds. Even before I had another thought.

My night was interrupted by nightmarish visions of screaming priests, melting chapels, Hellish voices, swirling mists, three pillars rising from the ground connected in a triangle. I awoke yet again in a cold sweat and hazy with sleep. There must be a deeper meaning behind these dreams, but why me? What did I do to deserve such agony in my slumber? I was desperate to find a cure for these dreams, whatever it took. I cared not about the ramifications of a dangerous or experimental potion at this point.

I couldn’t ruminate upon this any further. The innkeeper rapped smartly on the wall inside my room. “Are you quite done screaming, driving off my patrons? All night I had to coax very impatient men back to their rooms with promises of peace and quiet to no success. I’d like you to leave immediately before I send for the guards.”

Everything kept getting worse. Now was the time to charm. “My apologies, sir. I will offer to clean every room in your inn, including the kitchen and the commons. You will find that I can do this work quickly, in exchange for your composure and understanding. I will not even accept a bite a food this morning,” I added while my stomach rumbled. It was going to be more nuts and berries this morning.

“You most certainly will not get any food from me, not a crumb. The broom and mop are in the storage room beside the commons and you best get started before I lose my temper further. You will work alone. Go on.”

This was certainly a setback. It appeared that I wasn’t going to find any help anymore help here, but as I was fluffing bedding a man dressed as a scholar of entered the room. “Oh, my apologies, sir. I didn’t know anyone was still cleaning up here,” he said. I decided not to correct him. “I traveled all the way from the Havens to attend university here in Winterwood, but I won’t have room and board situated for a few days time. I may have to clean rooms myself for my extended stay!”

This man seemed friendly, but loquacious. It was a perfect opportunity to gather information on the whereabouts in town of the college. The man’s name was Eren and he endeavors to pursue an education in alchemy. “Potions are a thing of beauty,” Eren gushed. I asked if he knew anything about the Draught of Healing Miasma, but he did not recognize the name. “Healing Miasma? I have not heard such a notion!”

After a spell of pleasantries, Eren told me he was planning to go to the college in the afternoon to collect a stack of books. “I can show you the way,” he said.

“That would be simply wonderful.”

Click here for all the boring game-related notes! On second thought, don’t bother!

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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 9: “Wolf Dreams”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Oh boy, more wolves and more dreams. I must be in fucking heaven.

Perrin is too disturbed to eat his dinner. He walks over to Moiraine’s room and finds her penning in a book. He asks if what happened to Noam, Simion’s brother, will happen to him too, Moiraine goes *shrug*. She has barely read from the only text she knows in the world that talks about this kind of thing that the wolf may overtake the person, rendering them wolfy and humanless. So will Moiraine help him? The best she can! Now get out.

So Perrin tries to sleep, and with sleep comes another goddamned dream sequence. He’s in a strange hallway where a wolf is telling him to run. Not just any wolf. Hopper, the wolf who died. Hopper is very insistent; just keeps telling Perrin to run. He doesn’t tell him who he’s running from or where he’s running to. Just run. Run, damnit. Run.

Perrin wakes up covered in blood. He frantically removes his clothes and sleeps on the floor, avoiding dreaming for the rest of the night.

Elsewhere, Rand is crouched in the woods or something watching a large dog approach. When the dog gets close enough, Rand basically vaporizes the dog with saidin. Rand is all like “yes, it worked!” about this, which even for a dog hater like me is pretty damn cruel. He hears other dogs howling in the distance and yells “I’m not easy meat!”

Rand is getting feral. More feral than Perrin, and Perrin’s a stinky wolf! What misfortunes will befall these two going forward? A lot, I hope!


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Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8 – “Girl in the World”

* Part 1 of 5 of the Girl in the World storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8 – “Girl in the World”! In the previous storyline, Kara Zor-El crashes to Earth and she doesn’t know why AND she kicks Superman’s butt AND some asshole named Simon Tycho abducts her and runs experiments on her AND she learns her home planet was destroyed AND a Worldkiller named Reign tries to recruit her BUT that doesn’t work SO they fight.

Simon Tycho is now a messed-up CPR dummy, but he was able to attain a drop of Kara’s blood, which he will now use to run some more nefarious experiments. THIS is what I’m interested in, but it hasn’t been addressed yet. I hope we see more of this now.

Onward!

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8 [June, 2012]
Written by: Michael Green & Mike Johnson
“Girl in the World”

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

SCREAM OF THE SILVER BANSHEE! That sounds like a problem waiting to happen. I hope Supergirl doesn’t get absorbed by some crazy skeleton dude or something, and… OH SHIT, LOOK OUT!

Anyway… “I did it. I beat the Worldkillers. For now, anyway. I fought them off. I saved this city. I saved the planet. And now the authorities of this world are pointing their weapons in my face.”

You should be happy that that’s all they’re pointing in your face, sweetheart. She laments her position. She didn’t mean to cause trouble! She didn’t mean to eat all the pizza rolls! But here we are, and there’s no going back. She’s too tired to keep fighting. Even under the marvelous yellow sun where her blood turns into Hawaiian Punch, she’s too tired to keep fighting.

The military is there among the ruins of the city to make sure that she doesn’t, in fact, keep fighting. “Stand down, miss! We are taking you into custody!” a particularly boring-looking military man shouts. Supergirl tries to explain herself, but she only speaks Space Russian and no one can understand a goddamn thing she says. She lifts up her hands in the universal symbol for “I ain’t got no gun”, but it’s misinterpreted as “she’s gonna kill us with her energy blasts! Shoot the fuck out of her!”

She’s about to die, but the young Irish woman with the short white hair yells at the military. Supergirl just saved everyone, dumbasses. She blocks Supergirl from the men and assures her, in Kryptonian, much to Supergirl’s surprise, that’s she’ll be safe. The rather boring-looking military guy is like “get away from there, you harpy” and the white-haired woman is like “fuck you”.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

No, I’m Mork from Ork. Nanu nanu, bitches.

Now the military wants to take both of them into custody, and it ain’t looking good. Supergirl decides that it’s no longer a good idea to hang around, and starts lifting up into the air with White-Haired Girl in tow. “LOOK OUT!” screams the military guy. “SHE’S MOVING! SHE’S COMING AT US!”

Chaos erupts. Bullets hit Supergirl and bounce off her like… bullets bouncing off a… uh… giant inflatable clown. After holding their fire, Supergirl’s eyes start glowing red hot. After screaming “Leave me alone!”, she rockets into the air holding the woman at 50,000 mph. She’s having a great time flying in the sky! Supergirl wonders what the fuck she’s going to do with her.

Wisely, the woman tells Supergirl that the whole city will be after her. As if we didn’t just experience that shit anyway. They rest on a skyscraper rooftop and start getting to know one another. The woman, after all, did put herself between Supergirl and the military. Can she be trusted? Or is she a skank?

“My name’s Siobhan,” the woman says in Kryptonian. “Shiobhan Smythe. Just arrived from Dublin a few months ago. Yer basic poor wee immigrant looking to start a new life for herself!”

She then explains that she can speak Kryptonian because… it’s like a super-power. She just needs to hear a few words of any language and she can start speaking it like a native! Mandarin, Icelandic, Klingon, Pig Latin, it’s all on the table, baby! And not even just human languages. She demonstrates by speaking to a small group of gathering pigeons, who are goaded to land on both of their waiting index fingers. Far out, man. I love it when diseased birds touch me.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

And that one thinks you look like Maria Bamford!

Supergirl is from another planet, which is news to Siobhan. Aliens exist! That’s nuts! Oh yeah, that planet she’s from? It blew up something fierce. Exploded all over town. That’s sad, and now Supergirl is sad. And she wants to leave even Siobhan insists that Supergirl stay with her.

But then a dang helicopter has tracked them both down. “STAY WHERE YOU ARE! YOU ARE UNDER ARREST! ANY ATTEMPT TO FLEE WITH BE MET WITH LETHAL FORCE!”

Well, now, this dadgum makes Supergirl so dadgum mad, it does. Her eyes start glowing red again and she catapults herself toward the copter. “Stop following me! Stop attacking me!” she hollers as she grabs the pilot right out of the vehicle and holds him 10,000 feet above the street. The dude is filling his pants with liters of diarrhea. She looks like she’s actually going to drop the dude, but Siobhan tells her to cut it out. And she does. And then Supergirl grabs Siobhan and they both fly off into the sunset while the helicopter dudes are like “!”

Supergirl doesn’t want to keep running away though. She knows they’ll all keep coming after her. Relentless. Like a Terminator. Or the Luggage from Discworld. So it’s time to find a good hidey hole. Siobhan will help! She knows every hidey hole in town, apparently. She has Supergirl fly to Queens to her apartment, the hidiest hidey hole there ever was.

Siobhan’s apartment looks like dogshit. Trash everywhere. I see underwear, discarded drink cans and food bags, books, probably toxic waste. If she had a kid it would be repossessed. That’s what happens to kids, right? The state repossesses them! Supergirl introduces herself, finally, as Kara. Siobhan thinks that’s a cool name! See, we’re hitting it off splendidly.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

For one thing, our bras aren’t stored on a carpet loaded with ketchup and Miller Lite stains.

The TV has a report on Supergirl’s rampage through Manhattan. Siobhan asks if that “S” symbol on her chest means she’s related to Superman. Supergirl says it’s complicated. Siobhan thinks that’s a copout response, but moves on nonetheless. She offers her new clothes, but Supergirl wants to keep her shitty costume on. “It’s all I have left of home. Of my family.”

Whatever floats your boat, Sister. Listen, Siobhan knows what it’s like to lose her family. Her parents are fucking dead too, you know. You insensitive jerk. She’s in America to run from the pain, basically.

Supergirl notices tattoos on Siobhan’s arms. An “S” (for Siobhan) on one arm, and a “B” (for her father) on the other. Supergirl apologizes to her, but Siobhan insists that things are ok. Not every day is sad-sackin’ and dead parents! There’s hot dogs, for one thing! And pussy! Do you like pussy? TIME TO HIT THE TOWN!

Siobhan hands Supergirl a monkey backpack that she can store her costume in and carry it around. Supergirl acquiesces, then, as she gets on some of Siobhan’s clothes, asks where they’re going. Well, lady, Siobhan’s a musician and she’s got a gig!

So buckle up, buttercup. You’re going to watch Siobhan Smythe pluck her guitar and maybe make something that resembles music come out of it.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

I play a mixture of polka with death metal, zydeco, children’s nursery rhymes, and Throbbing Gristle-type songs about burning flesh and eating babies.

Kara looks like a filthy hipster as they traverse the crowded streets of New York City at night. She hates the clothes. They don’t feel right. They feel… dirty…

The noise of the city is also hard on Kara’s tender Super Ears. She tries to focus only on Siobhan’s voice, and it sort of works, but fuck this all the same. Eventually, finally, they make it to the venue where everyone’s being loud and noisy and that sucks too. Everything sucks. At least Krypton is quiet right now! Ha!

Siobhan tells Kara that it’s her job to find cute boys in the crowd, even though we both know that Siobhan and Kara will be boning by Issue #10. Siobhan does a couple of mic checks and then launches into some Celtic folk shit that no one wants to hear. It’s not even Celtic punk! It blows!

But the crowd is eating it up, and Kara thinks Siobhan’s voice is one of the most beautiful things she’s ever heard. A young man in the crowd, with his stupid purple-tinted glasses and curly goatee, tries to chat Kara up but she can’t speak a lick of English. Not even “RAAAAPPPE!!”, which might prove useful.

Everything’s fine until, suddenly, the crowd gets weird.

Supergirl (Vol. 6), Issue #8

Oh man, the humans are doing their thing again. Their weird, creepy, unhinging-jaws-to-swallow-me-whole thing.

The only other unaffected person is Siobhan, who notices the crowd starting to circle around Kara. Siobhan leaps from the stage, grabs Kara, and helps her shuffle out of there ASAP.

“So many souls… So many delicious souls…” says a creepy disembodied voice in a brown speech bubble. The creepy voice, as Siobhan points out, is from her father. He’s dead, but he’s been after her since. “I’ve been looking for you for so long, Siobhan. Come now… come to your beloved Da… come to Black Banshee!”

Black Banshee looks like second-rate Dracula. His blue visage appears in a billowing cloud of smoke. The crowd still shambles around. Siobhan herself is starting to get twisted up into a harrowing figure. Kara is like “WTF ARE YOU DOING TO MY BFF?” and blasts the visage with her laser eyes. Black Banshee calls this magic “weak”, warns her that befriending his daughter could kill her, then starts squeezing the breath out of her. Then she shimmers in blue flame, feeling a burn like never before. A real cold burn. Like when you accidentally sleep naked on a bed of dry ice.

Black Banshee lets go of his magic and drops Kara to the ground. “I look forward to tasting your sweet soul…” he says, but then he’s interrupted by another terrifying figure…

Siobhan has become the SILVER BANSHEE, and she looks like a skull face, and she’s here to kick some fatherly ass!

And this comic exhausts me.

Final Thoughts

Nice that we spend 20 pages twiddling our thumbs and then they haphazardly throw together the “oh yeah, there needs to be a bad guy” element within 2 pages.

Also, like, oh boy, the Silver Banshee vs. the Black Banshee, who’s gonna win? The answer is NOT THE AUDIENCE.


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Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

* Part 2 of 6 of the Archie (Vol 2) Volume 1 collection *

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2! In the previous installment, we are introduced to Archie Andrews and his loveable gang of high school dorks ‘n’ nerds. Archie and Betty had just broken up because of a “lipstick incident”, which may or may not involve some sort of donkey.

Veronica hasn’t shown up to town yet, but she will. She’s going to fuck up Archie’s world and Betty’s going to have a conniption fit over it.

Jughead likes hamburgers.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [October, 2015]
Written by: Mark Waid

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

“I need money.”

“Money won’t solve your problems, Arch.” replies Jughead.

They’re walking to Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe to grab a few dozen bags of fries. Archie introduces us to his pal Jughead: His God-given Christian name (amen) is Forsythe P. Jones III, and I would have killed myself by high school if that was my own name. See, Jughead used to be rich as fuck, that’s why he has such a WASPy name. Until Jughead was ten, he reveled in it. Wore only the best clothes. A fancy fedora! Hamburgers as far as the eye can see! “His birthday parties were dawn-to-dusk with video games that hadn’t even been released yet. Children would fight for toys he threw away. He was the arbiter of cool… until his pop invested every dime they had into a scam involving a water bottling plant called ‘Purejug’. Overnight, they went bankrupt…”

In short, he got a nickname, a lot of ridicule, and sack lunches full of packing peanuts.

Jughead has become wise since he got poor. Be who you are, not who people think you are. I’m not sure what any of this has to do with Archie wanting pussy, but it’s nice to hear some sound advice once in a while.

Archie needs some cash to repair his shit heap of a car, but he’s pretty lousy with after-school jobs. He burned down a church once by accident, and he killed all his prostitutes by slapping them too hard. Too bad Betty’s still not in the picture, because she would be able to fix his stuff like a champ. Now he has to pay for services with actual currency, and not lewd acts of teenage lust.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Hit it with a hammer. Problem solved!

Betty watches Archie moan about his car from her window. A young man who is definitely NOT her dad comes up behind her and gently grabs her waist to lean in for a kiss, but she pushes him out of the way. It’s Trev. “Dude, hands where I can see ‘em!” she yells. They’re supposed to be playing video games, not groping each other! Crash Bandicoot isn’t going to play with himself! Well, he might, but–

“I thought you liked me,” Trev mopes.

“I do like you.”

“Like-like.”

Trev tells Betty that, hey, most girls would be down to bone if they were in their rooms alone with some BOY. Steam comes out of Betty’s ears. She shoves Trev out of her room and slams the door in his face.

Betty’s friend Sheila is waiting downstairs alone in the living room for some reason. Now’s her cue to go talk to Betty about how shitty BOYS are and someone should do a genocide on all of them. Sheila presents Betty with an early birthday gift: a bunch of nice clothes and makeup so she can get dolled up for her party tonight! Look, there’s pancake mix and a clown nose. You like looking stupid as hell, right?

Betty feels bad for not inviting Archie. Sheila tells Betty to get over it. Betty flops on her bed and sighs.

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Goddamnit! I hate heat!

We see a montage of Betty attempting to do the girlie thing of applying mascara, putting on fake nails, straightening her hair, applying eye shadow, applying lipstick, and putting in fake eyelashes. She sucks at all of it. She screeches in frustration. Usually, she would just slap on some of that Lip Smackers chapstick and hit the town. Archie was always the one to put on all the makeup! Being a girl sucks!

Let’s cut to the site of the Lodge Manor development where people are lining up outside the trailer to secure gainful employment in construction. A group of Archie’s nerdy science lab friends are staking the lot and scheming how to keep Archie from getting a job here. It doesn’t work. They can see Archie shaking hands with the foreman.

But then, as Archie walks away proudly, he steps into a bucket and tumbles the fuck down a hill, killing him and reducing his body to a pulpy mass of quivering froth. His friends are like “We have to take care of him, but he can’t even take care of himself! D’oh!” We see Archie break the fourth wall to talk about how great he’s doing while his friends surreptitiously keep him from hurting himself further on the job site.

Then he holds a nailgun upwards and shoots a barrage of nails into the sky, which all land dangerously around the site. Shit breaks, too. He probably destroyed $900,000,000 worth of property in the 25 minutes he’s had the job. “Let me guess.” Archie turns his attention to the extremely frowny foreman. “I quit…?”

Ha! Nope! Later that night, he’s alone picking up his mess and repairing the damage without pay. He’s not too upset, there’s just a party going on at Betty’s that he’s not invited to anyway. “At least I can be alone to think about the loveless, careless life of poverty that stretches before me.” Looks like Archie ain’t going to college! Stand in line for those unemployment checks, Sport. $100 a week ain’t nothing to sneeze at!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

Whoa mama! It’s Eva Longoria!

He catches a glimpse of a fancy schmancy car driving up to the site. Out comes a tall gray-haired man and a… STUNNING, BEAUTIFUL, SEXY, RAVEN-HAIRED TEENAGE GIRL! NO, WOMAN! THAT’S A TEENAGE WOMAN! GULP!

“Wow. Love at first sight,” Archie says to himself. He woozily bumps the 2×4 he’s holding into the on-switch of a bulldozer, which drives itself off to the bare bones of the manor’s construction. It gets destroyed in four seconds. Gray-Haired Man gasps in complete horror. “…My… …Beautiful… …Mansion…”

He points a bony, accusing finger at Archie, who stands in the shadows. “YOU! COME OUT SO I CAN SEE THE FACE OF THE MAN WHOSE LIVER WILL BE MY SUNDAY DINNER!”

As the man runs toward the wreckage, Archie gets a quick peak of the girl failing to hide a big, fat smirk. “Wow,” Archie says as he books it from the construction site and out of harm’s way.

Huffing and puffing all the way home, Archie realizes that construction isn’t his strong suit. And in the end he earned $32.75, a third of what it would take to cover Jughead’s breakfast tab at Pop’s.

Oh well, time to say goodbye to the car. Poor old girl. She’ll be going to the Junkyard in the Sky.

Suddenly, the engine starts humming. Archie’s dad pops out of the driver’s seat. Who’d-a thunk it? The car works! Perhaps someone up there likes you! You know, next door in the window over there. Wave to the blond girl, son! You’ll never touch her again, but at least she knows her way around a shitty AMC Pacer!

Archie (Vol. 2), Issue #2

I’ve been drilling your mom, actually, Ms. Funnypants.

Party’s started. Betty had fixed the car just in the nick of time. The buzz in the living room is the collapse of the Lodge Manor. Did Reggie have something to do with it, they all ask themselves. He’s a little turd bitch boy! But if the Lodge daughter is as hot is as rumored, he wouldn’t do anything of the sort. What’s her name again? Something that starts with a Q? Maybe an X? Ronnie? That’s a boy’s name! Never mind, forget it. She sounds ugly.

The cake comes down, and Betty is encouraged to make a wish before she blows out the candles. She looks outside and sees Archie messing with his car (probably breaking it again like a doofus).

Betty blows out the candles.

Final Thoughts

Betty can do better than Stinky Archie. That Jughead guy seems on the ball! Too bad he’s poor and, therefore, undesirable as fuck forever! Oh well.


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