Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #655 – “The Anvil of War”

* Part 7 of 14 of the Batman: Prelude to Knightfall event *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #655 – “The Anvil of War”! In the previous installment of the Prelude to Knightfall story, a young whipper-snapper named Ulysses Hadrian Armstrong (bleh) gets bullied in military school so, naturally, he decides to burn down the academy and then travel the city of Gotham, a city he has no ties to, in order to conquer it and defeat the Bat-Man.

Armstrong builds up an army of gang members. He steals guns from an armory and uses the guns to shoot people in order to procure more guns in order to shoot people in order to procure MORE gang members!

They must acquire gang members. They must gain the respect of Black Mask. They must be feared by the police.

And, above all else, they must KILL BATMAN!!

And donuts. They must steal all the donuts.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #655 [January, 1993]
Written by: Chuck Dixon
“The Anvil of War”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue #655

So Batman is wounded and tired and dripping fluids out of many orifices.

“The Raymond Rudolph projects. They were supposed to offer decent housing to the working poor of Gotham. But these days they’re the fortress of one of the city’s deadliest street gangs. The Bad Boy Runners.”

lol. “The Bad Boy Runners”. Dangerous, indeed! You better watch yourself or they’ll steal your penny candy.

Someone took out the Eight Avenue OGs, and Batman thinks it’s these Bad Boys. So he’s staking out the Bad Boys to see if any of them are going to start being Bad.

But no, Batman instead sees a small convoy of army trucks filled with nuisances in army uniforms who run into the projects guns ablazin’. The leader of the Bad Boys, Bojack, is angry and well-muscled! “Who’d have the juice to put a hurt on me? Who are they?”

One of the Bad Boys gets killed, and Bojack takes out his gun. “Who’s got the stones to take on the Runners?” he says, pointing his gun in the direction of a plume of smoke and flames. “The Runners are no more, Bojack,” says a voice. “We’re here to take your power away.”

Smiley-Boy Ulysses Armstrong enters the room with his posse; tells Bojack to give up the goods, the money, the guns, the sultry women, anything that he’s got. “I’m the general and these are my wardogs. Recognize our superiority and you may join us. Or you can die right here.”

Bojack, resplendent in his fluffy red rockabilly mohawk and flowing red mustache, chooses to die right here! But before he can be a dumbass and shoot the leader of an army of ne’er-do-wells, Batman crashes through a window and kicks Bojack in the face! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!

But Bojack is strong! Bojack is resilient! Bojack is like a Horseman, you might say!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 655

Whoa whoa whoa, hold on there! I’m a Bad Boy! I’m a Bad Little Boy!

Batman calls Armstrong a “child” that Bojack has as a “hostage”, but he’s stupid and no one is going to correct him yet anyway. “The gangbangers are getting younger every year,” he thinks.

Bojack drags Armstrong up a bunch of steps. Too many steps for Batman to handle. He starts getting winded and woozy. But eyes on the prize! Save the child. Save the child, save the world. Something to that effect.

“Put the boy down!” Batman yells as Bojack dangles Armstrong over the top of the roof. Bojack is like “fine” and drops the kid. Batman leaps after him, tearing up his sutures. Blood all over the place, side of his body feels like fire. The guy should go home and go to bed, but we all know he won’t go to bed. He won’t go to Hell. He just won’t go anywhere.

Both Batman and Armstrong fall on a landing, with Batman much more worse for wear than the springy little hooligan. “The child is safe. That’s all that matters,” Batman thinks before Armstrong bashes the back of his head with a chunk of concrete. Batman topples off the landing and down to the street below. The audience laughs and cheers and claps, of course. “And I thought you were a warrior,” Armstrong grins.

Batman hoists up his fat, lazy bulk. My dude is bleeding everywhere like a complete nerd. “Lights. Sirens. Pain cuts like a knife. Stop whining. Get moving. Can’t let them find me like this. Can’t let them see me.” Batman scrambles away while the cops show up to the scene, leaving gallons of blood as a trail back to his manor.

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 655

Maybe some gasoline and a Brillo pad for your horrible acne.

Meanwhile, Alfred is yapping at a kid named Harold who is *peruses thousands of gigabytes worth of Batman lore* the Batcave mechanic? Yeah, right. Bruce doesn’t let anyone handle anything.

Harold wants the following at the store: electrical cable, 500-pound magnesium weld rods, a dozen terminal joints, and some donuts (I fucking knew donuts would be in the mix!) Bruce arrives just in time to add to Alfred’s grocery list…

What Alfred doesn’t expect is that Bruce is going to flop out of his Batmobile like a drunk fish. “SIR!” Alfred yelps lovingly. And, of course, Alfred is all like “My Big Beautiful Sir, you need your rest!” and Bruce is like “Absolutely go fuck your whole damn self, idiot.” You know, their usual banter. Bruce stumbles up the stairs spilling more of his shit O-Positive who-cares blood all over the place.

Elsewhere, Armstrong is Hitler-ing in front of many, many new recruits. “GOTHAM IS A CITY OF TRIBES. THE TIMES FOR TRIBES IS OVER.” Yada yada yada, rile up the troops. Bojack, the leader of the Dirtiest Dudes in Town, is dead. The Batman threat has been eliminated. Now we rattle Black Mask’s cage! Hallelujah! Allahu Ackbar!

Deputy Armpit-Sniffer runs up to Armstrong with a couple of mopes in masks. One’s a pig. One’s a clown. “You think a bunch of snotnose punks are going to shake down Black Mask? He’ll roll over in his sleep and crush you creeps!”

Dem’s fightin’ words, Clowny! It’s your lucky day, though. Armstrong hates clowns! Oh wait, that makes it your unlucky day. Nevertheless, *bullets to face*

Now it’s Piggy’s turn. “None of us has seen Black Mask,” he oinks. “He could even be dead. Batman busted out the whole gang a few weeks ago.”

Ha! HAHAHA! So Black Mask is wormfood, eh? Perfect! Then it’s time to take out Gotham’s biggest, rudest, meanest, evilest, nastiest piece of shit gang of all! “The Gotham City Police Department”.

Hell yeah! Go Armstrong! I’m rooting for Armstrong now! Fuck tha police!

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 655

They ain’t even got faces! Piece o’ cake!

Bruce Wayne dresses up as a filthy, poop-smeared homeless man, undercover and prowling around W. 11th St. In East River. Because he doesn’t have the internet in 1993, he needs to do this gather intel about what happened to all the gangsters. “I hide in plain sight and hear all the stories,” he says, snorting cocaine in front of everyone as a front. Yeah, that’s right. A front. Heh heh.

“There is one name mentioned more than any other. ‘The General’.”

Bruce has been out there sticking broken bottles up his butthole for the better part of a week, but he never actually hears the General’s God-given name! Some thugs kick down his grocery basket full of empty bottles and start teabaggin’ his face and mouth. “Trying hard to stay in character,” he thinks as the balls go in and out of his mouth. “Tired of getting beat on,” he continues, nutsacks slappin’ his eyeballs. “I’m not about to let two junkies roll me.”

Detective Comics (Vol. 1), Issue# 655

These could be anybody’s colors, man! Maybe I just really like Captain Planet!

So he kicks their asses and puts one in a chokehold. “Who’s uniting the gangs? Who’s the General?” Bruce asks the guy, who is ignorant of this whole General business. Bruce pops him in the mug. “You’re going to tell me where the General hangs out. And then you’re going to put all my empties back in the shopping cart.”

Ballsy play, sir. Let’s see if they call or fold.

“THE FOOD CENTER, MAN. GENERAL’S HOUSE IS AT THE OLD FOOD CENTER.”

Checkmate. Rack ‘em.

“I should have called Gordon. I should have called an army of cops down on this place. From what I’ve heard, the General and his troops are armed for a world war. That could mean a massacre for the police. I’m not going to let that happen.”

Go stick your tongue down a cop’s throat, you punk-ass bitch.

Batman crashes the food center, which is empty of people except for a dead clown and a dead pig. There’s a large model of… some location in the back of the room. South Lyntown. Six blocks around the 43rd precinct building. Shit, this is quite a setup here. Very impressive! Looks like a tactical assault plan! Look at these cute little soldier figurines! Hey, wait a minute! This isn’t actually a good thing!

“No one here in their hideout. Stripped to the walls and no rearguard. They don’t plan on returning. That means the war begins tonight.”

“TO BE CONCLUDED”

Final Thoughts

Batman’s going to give Armstrong an atomic wedgie, and he’ll cry all the way back to military school. The end. Show over.


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Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13 – “Torn (Part 1)”

* Part 1 of 6 of the Torn storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3) Issue #13 – “Torn (Part 1)”! After a long break, we’re back with some more Joss Whedon X-Men “excitement”! In the previous storyline, the Danger Room that Professor Xavier built up at the school has malfunctioned after Wing, the flying kid, kills himself inside of it. This causes the Danger Room to become sentient and start terrorizing the mutants, eventually manifesting itself as a robot named “Danger”, but I liked to endearingly call her “Robot Medusa”.

Robot Medusa flies to the ruins of Genosha, a fake country presumably near Africa or the Middle East that was the site of an attack on mutants that killed 16 million of the bastards. Professor Xavier is there hiding out for some reason. Anyway, he’s able to keep her at bay until the rest of the X-Men team arrive. They fight her, and then they fight some giant Mega-Beast (the one that razed Genosha), and then they win.

Afterward they learned that Xavier was treating Robot Medusa like a lab rat for years, which pissed off the team. Wolverine likens Xavier’s immoral behavior to Magneto.

Oh yeah, and Frost is still not to be trusted. Watch out for her.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13 [April, 2006]
Written by: Joss Whedon
“Torn (Part 1)”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13

“Some time ago”, Frost asks an elderly man (or woman, I can’t tell) dressed as either a big-game hunter or a World War I recreationist “why me.” The response she gets is “Because you’re a predator, Miss Frost.”

Yeah, a sexual predator. Woozle wuzzle!

Frost tells this man/woman that he/she seems pretty confident that he/she won’t be stopped. The individual is like “Bitch, please, you won’t even remember you were here.”

“They’re all going to die, Emma,” the woman (I’ve decided that she’s a woman) narrows her eyes. “Millions, in minutes. No warning, no escape – and you’re going to be right in the middle of it.”

Sounds awfully attractive, Your Honor! But she’ll take a pass on this one, fam.

Don’t back out yet, Emma! You’ll survive this shit via “secondary mutation” and this old lady and her people are going to “create” one for her! Not at all confusing, right?! I’m glad we’re done with this scene. The woman looked like Spider-Man’s Aunt May on meth and she was making me very uncomfortable!

Wolverine addresses a pile of sad students. He tells them that nothing has changed. Students are gone, sure. Shit went down, ok. But did anything change? Nothing that matters changed. “What matters is the fight,” he says, and I’d be rolling my eyes right about now if I were one of these pissant little kids. “What matters is the last time you were in this room… you all wussed out.”

What’s-her-name — Wing’s friend. She tells him “uh, sir, sorry, sir, but the Danger Room is where I found my dead friend, sir.” And Wolverine, he just waves her off and goes “self-pity is for people named Cyclops” and leaves it at that.

The Danger Room has just gotten more dangerous, though! It may be offline, but watch this: KILL THE LIGHTS! *does the Wolverine “SNIKT”* See?

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13

Sort of looks like my friend’s dorm room with a little more decoration.

Beast and Cyclops are in a lab both wondering what the other is doing there and why. Very suspicious on both ends! Also, they discuss the possibility that Wolverine might kill all the kids, but they don’t spend too much time focused on that! Not until Wolverine starts killing all the kids, then they’ll take it seriously!

Outside, Kitty Pryde and Russian Peter are chilling under a tree. They seem happy, like nothing short of an unexpected visitor could shatter this lovely little bubble of theirs… oh hey, look over there, an unexpected visitor! A man approaches the tree and addresses Kitty. She gasps in both recognition and butt cramps. “Dad! This is impossible!” She hugs him so hard it shatters half his already-tender ribs.

“Oh, Daddy…”

“I know you’ve got a lot of questions, Kitten. I just have one.”

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13

Dad, stop melting! You’re embarrassing me in front of my boyfriend!

Kitty wakes up from her sudden weird fugue state. It’s chalked up to a bad dream, and she and Peter go right back to sexy huggin’.

While staring out the window overlooking the school grounds, Emma is asked if she’s having fun. She’s with the Hellfire Club, whoever they are, and they want to get down to business. The old man/woman is there, and I still say she’s a woman even though it’s impossible to tell!

“You show up with no regard for… I could hear every word you thought in Genosha,” says Frost to the woman.

“But Xavier couldn’t,” responds the woman. “Dear Charles was the only real threat to our little cabal, and he was well wrapped up in his own problems as always.”

I don’t know what these fools are talking about or why, and they’re making me sleepy so I’m going to take a nap now.

Zzzz.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13

Merzbow! Merzbow! Merzbow! Merzbow!

And we’re back! The consensus in the room is that action must be taken, whatever that means. Emma is the only one who doesn’t want to “take action”. A guy named Sebastian wants to make the room aware of two things: 1) there’s an actual mission that needs to be adhered to, and 2) they were all brought together by one person and her voice is the last one that needs to be heard on the matter.

*Celine Dion clears her throat*

The woman is named Perfection and she’s completely hooded like Death himself. She points a gloved hand at Emma. “Your game is first,” she says. I hope all of this makes sense quickly or I’m going to eat a butt in outer space!

Atop a giant flying carrier, S.H.I.E.L.D. Director Maria Hill is speaking with the green-haired woman Agent Brand, ugh. I don’t remember who she is or why she’s important. This write-up is horrible. “The mutant situation is still a threat, and I will continue to monitor the X-Men in–” then she gets cut off by Hill, who tells Brand that she’s broken every law she’s ever heard of, including ones no one has heard of. Plus, she’s harboring an intergalactic criminal. If that ain’t illegal then I don’t know what is.

Nick Fury is toast, lady. Brand isn’t going to run with the ball wherever she damn well feels like it anymore! Brand disagrees, saying that Hill is just in the way of any and all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s operations. Hill calls Brand a thug. Brand gets in her rocket ship and blasts off to some orbiting space station! The space station looks cool as shit and it’s better than some dumb rotating Babylon 5 bullshit, I’ll tell you that much. It’s so cool-looking that it needs its own full-page spread, baby. That’s the stuff.

Meanwhile, Kitty Pryde sits up in her bed mulling things over.

Astonishing X-Men (Vol. 3), Issue #13

Honey, if you gotta say it, then you ain’t it.

Bracing herself for whatever it is that she’s afraid of (a plate of butts in outer space?), Pryde enters Peter’s room and starts babbling about nonsense for seven panels. It takes her a while to get to the point, which is this: she wants to break up with him for no reason whatsoever, but then he kisses her tenderly on the face hole and that’s the end of that notion!

Emma Frost is watching creepily from a distance down the hall. She turns around to head back to her own room, but as she turns the doorknob that Perfection lady with the hood an’ shit pops in out of nowhere and tells her that she knows what’s going on between her and Scott Summers. She knows what’s going on and none of the rest of the Hellfire Club knows shit!

“You really love him,” says Perfection. It’s not a question.

“With all my predator’s heart,” Emma responds flatly.

Emma enters the room where Scott is filling out paperwork or handwriting his manifesto or doing Sudoku puzzles, I can can’t really tell. She tells him to come to bed, that she has a surprise for him (a plate of butts). He doesn’t want to tear away from his paperwork.

“…I’m wearing your favorite outfit…” she says, turning herself to look exactly like Jean Grey. That’s not weird at all. Jesus.

Final Thoughts

Whatever, Joss Whedon. You better make this make sense quickly or I’m burning all my Angel DVDs.


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The Dragon Reborn (Book 3) – Chapter 56: “People of the Dragon”

The Wheel of Time - Book 3 - The Dragon Reborn

Everyone lives happily ever after!

I might stop writing these. The whole point was to try to get into a daunting series like Wheel of Time by means of recapping the chapters in order to keep me motivated. This series is so fantastic that I’m motivated anyway. And these recaps are starting to become a huge pain in my ass. Writing is supposed to be fun!

And this isn’t fun.

Not anymore.

Maybe I’ll just delete my website!

Ha.


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Season 9, Episode 8 – “The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons”

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 8 - The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

“The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons”

Original Air Date:
November 16, 1997
Directed by:
Steven Dean Moore
Written by:
Richard Appel

QUICK SYNOPSIS

Apu receives a letter from his mother stating that it’s time for him fulfilled his arranged marriage obligation, he pretends Marge is his wife.

POINTLESS GUEST STAR(S)

Not pointless, but having Andrea Martin as Indian Woman #1 and Jan Hooks as Indian Woman #2 doesn’t fly here in the Year of our Lord 2025. Mindy Kaling and… uh… Padma Lakshmi. That would be more like it. LET’S DO BETTER, PEOPLE! CHOP CHOP!

WHY THIS EPISODE SUCKS

Yes, yes, insensitive, racist, callous, problematic. Call it what you want, but this episode was from fucking 1997 and, you know what? It’s handled with the kind of depth, humanity, and heart that you’d expect from classic-era Simpsons. Writers did their research on Indian and Hindu customs. They didn’t make everyone a stupid caricature. They expounded upon Apu’s character without retconning the past. Sure, there are a couple of issues such as poking fun at Apu’s mother’s bindi, or Homer dressing up as Ganesha in order to try and stop the wedding, or having two white women play Indian characters. But, largely, this is a fun episode. Apu playing the foil to Homer is always fun (see Season 5’s “Homer and Apu” for an obvious example). Apu pretending to be married to Marge was lackluster, though, and Homer committing identity theft in order to successfully live in the retirement home wasn’t the smartest B-plot. This is really where the episode loses me.

“The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons” straddles the fence between classic Simpsons and Zombie Simpsons. Usually, episodes that permanently shake up a character are more of a miss than a hit (see Season 7’s “Lisa the Vegetarian”, which makes a permanent change to Lisa’s character and also has a very Zombie Simpsons-esque third act), and it’s hard to say whether this one succeeds or not. In the end, a lot of this episode feels too much like a dumb sitcom for me to enjoy it fully as an episode of The Simpsons. BUT, we fleshed out Apu a little further, a character that already has a lot of depth in the first place. So, I call it average. Good, not great. Much like this post.

The Simpsons, Season 9, Episode 8 - The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

Homer takes Apu to a barbershop called “Hairy Shearers”, a nod to cast member Harry Shearer.
How long were they sitting on this pun? It would be incredible if it took them nine years to think of it. Here’s another one: “Yard-ly Smiths” for, like, a forge shop in someone’s backyard. Someone give me $1,000,000.

In the scene where Apu’s mother asks Bart if the wedding fire is sacred yet, Bart is tearing pages out of a book titled “Hymns”. It was originally planned to be a bible, but after it was animated, the staff decided that it would be too disrespectful and made the change.
Man, the staff are a bunch of wimps. I would’ve stabbed a Jesus effigy and burned it over a fire to make it sacred.

Mike Scully said that Homer writing “Where are the sticky buns” on a sheet of paper after Apu is asking for advice is one of his favorite jokes.
Solid joke! I would expect a favorite joke to be from an actual classic season, but Mike Scully was a contributor to the Simpsons’ decline so what are ya gonna do? At least it’s better than Al Jean’s favorite joke: Homer getting raped by a panda.

The staff wanted to include jokes about the lotus flower before discovering that nothing hilarious can be made out of it.
Au contraire! This piece of trivia made me laugh 27 years later, so it was all worth it.

FINAL GRADE
C+


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The X-Files – Season 1, Episode 13 – “Beyond the Sea”

The X-Files

“Scully believes that the psychic predications of a death row inmate are the only hope in apprehending a vicious murderer.“

Oh, ok, THIS is what you choose to believe, Scully? Mulder’s gonna call you nuts!

I completely forgot the Scully’s father is General Hammond from Stargate SG-1. He’s just as much of a bald bastard here as he is there, that’s for sure. Scully’s mom looks like she’s wearing a Gary Spivey wig. Scully is treating her parents to lovely home-cooked meal when Dad suddenly says “WE GOTTA GO, ANCHOR’S AWEIGH!”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Open the Iris!

Later, she falls asleep watching a Rob Popeil infomercial and has a dream (OR IS IT??) that her dad is silently mouthing something on the couch across from her. She’s waken up by a phone call. Dad’s dead. Mulder’s going to say that an alien abducted his aorta.

JACKSON UNIVERSITY, RALEIGH, NC. A couple of youngins are making out in a car in the dead of night. A policeman raps on the window and tells the young man to step out of the car and keep his hands down. “Let’s see your ID,” the cop tells him, sounding vaguely like SpongeBob. When the kid asks to see his, the “cop” pops him in the head with his gun and walks away. lolol

Mulder thumbs through a report back at the office. Kidnapped kids from Jackson University! Earlier, there were kidnapped kids from Duke University who were tortured for five days and killed. If the pattern continues, they’ve got less than a week to find these kids. Oh, and by the way, some dude named Luther Lee Boggs is on death row so let’s go talk to him. He has special spooky psychic powers!… you know, speaking of Gary Spivey.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

You can expect nothing but kindness and compassion from a guy with a name like “Luther Lee Boggs”, Scully.

Mulder is skeptical of Boggs’ psychic powers, which Scully would have never guessed. “I believe in psychic ability without a doubt,” Mulder defends. “But not in this case. Not Boggs.” He thinks Boggs is orchestrating the kidnappings from the inside.

Mulder’s going to shove off to the penitentiary that afternoon, and even though Scully’s dad’s funeral is at noon, she wants to go with Mulder right afterward. She needs to work to take her mind off of Dead Dad Problems and keep working. The funeral is in the rain, as most funerals are. Scully asks her mother at the funeral if Pops was proud of her even though she chose a career path that they weren’t entirely on board with. Wouldn’t be funny if it were a hard NO? It’s not though, that’s disappointing.

Luther Boggs is a Charles Manson creep. All like “THE DEAD AND THE LIVING, ALL SOULS ARE CONNECTED” and “MR. BOGGS MUST BE MADE REDEMPTIVE FOR HIS TRANSGRESSIONS”. Mulder is like “uh huh” and “yes”. Boggs wants to strike a deal: he gets out of death row, the kids stay safe? Mulder asks him to prove his powers and hands him a little blue scrap of fabric. Boggs touches it and gets all “UAHHAUAH HUAHAUHHA OH GOD HAHRHERRHEUHHUUHGHG” and tells them to check a cold, dark place. A cellar or a warehouse. A stone angel. A waterfall. Are you writing this down?

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Check a cavernous opening. Stretch it wide. Squat over a mirror if you have to.

Mulder picks up the little blue fabric and shoves it in Boggs’ face. “I tore this off my New York Knicks t-shirt.” He storms out of the interrogation room. Scully is about to follow suit, but Boggs starts singing “Beyond the Sea” by Bobby Darin and then he calls her “Starbuck”, Mr. Scully’s pet name for his daughter. Consider Scully a little bit spooked. She wants to believe!

On her drive back to the hotel, Scully spots an angel statue in front of a condemned building and drives around to the back to investigate. The floor of the very cellar-like warehouse -like facility is littered with lit candles and séance objects.

Later, Scully spaces out on the bed thinking of her father when Mulder raps on her room door. Positive ID of the kidnapped girl based on the found objects. Scully takes this moment to admit that she found the warehouse based on Boggs’ vision, which really pisses Mulder off. “That’s exactly what Boggs wanted, he could’ve been setting you up! You could be dead by now!”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

RAWR! Out come the claws!

Well let’s not get all high and mighty, Loose Cannon Alien Boy. Why would she lie on her police report? That’s Mulder’s thing! Open your mind to the truth Scully, not this hodge-podge of supernatural bullshit! Get it together. Boggs is getting killed in a few days and we need to SQUEEZE the info out of him like he’s a delicious orange!

Mulder fakes a newspaper headline: KIDNAPPED COLLEGE STUDENTS FOUND SAFE. Boggs is gonna shit! Let’s watch…

Over the surveillance tape, Mulder and Scully confirm that Boggs picked up his newspaper. Phone privilege in two hours, let’s listen in when it happens!…

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Remember when the Cubs beat the Indians in Game 7 of the 2016 World Series? This is just as exciting.

Mulder’s phone starts ringing and he tells everyone in the room to silence their damn phones! Then when Scully tells him it’s his phone, he answers and starts chatting with Boggsy. “How come you don’t believe me? Agent Scully does…”

Fuckin’ Mulder. You suck. It’s time to get some real business done. Boggs gives the duo some more vague hints about where to find the students and they head out. “Mulder,” Boggs says, “don’t go near the white cross.” Mulder makes a hrmpt face and they leave.

The police do find the girl in a boathouse and rescue her, but Mulder gets a chest full of lead from the kidnapper and then the boat putt-putts away. While calling out for help, Scully looks up and sees a smear of blood on two white poles shaped into a cross. Ooooh. Ahhhh.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Remember when Mulder got shot? This is just as exciting.

The wounded girl gives a positive ID on the kidnapper, who is confirmed to be Boggs’ partner in crime. Scully confronts Boggs and screams at him, telling him that he set Mulder up, calls him a son of a bitch! You go gurl. He’s not phased, but at least she got it out of her system. She starts crying, and asks Boggs, if he’s for real, to channel her dad. And he does for a hot second. And it’s really creepy. But then he snaps out of it. “NOBODY GETS TO TALK TO ANYBODY UNTIL I GET A DEAL.” There’s a whole sob story here about his first trip to the electric chair. Something about being possessed by demons here. Pretty spiritual stuff. It’s not clear. At least not to me because I’m hopped up on fentanyl.

Scully tries to strike a deal with the warden, but he’s like “over my dead body will he walk free, let’s kill the bastard”. Mulder is recovering in intensive care, looking sexy with his tube hook-ups, and reminds Scully to avoid dealing with Boggs. He’s dangerous and manipulative and, oh yeah, he kills people. Remember? Sure.

Later, she walks into Boggs’ cell and tells him that he has his deal, which is a big stinkin’ lie. Boggs has another vision. “I see, like, uh… circles… I don’t know… with barrels… no, bigger… like… uh… huge… uh… vats…” It’s pretty funny how bullshit this all sounds, but he’s describing a brewery where the kidnapper is getting ready to kill the boyfriend. He also knows she lied about the deal, and then warns her not to “follow the devil”.

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Oh lawdy, lawdy! Don’t follow the devil! Praise be to Gawd! Hallelujah!

The kidnapper is in the brewery hitting random things with an axe while this young man is hogtied. Before he has a chance to axe him a question, Scully and backup bursts into the place to apprehend him. He falls to his death through some flimsy scaffolding, which is a nice secondary outcome at any rate! It’s right in front of a painting of a blue devil. Whom she followed, you see, at least inadvertently.

Time to visit Boggs again. Scully believes that there’s no way the kidnapper would have crossed over the scaffolding if he was truly in cahoots with Boggs. Ergo, she believes him. And she’s grateful that she’s not dead. Boggs promises to deliver her dad’s message… but not now. Only when he’s free as a bird. Only when the coast is clear. Only when he’s at the Red Lobster down the street will she get her message. Eating a big plate of fried fucking shrimp.

So there he is again, about to get killed, priest reading him the church version of Miranda rights. He’s gonna die, Scully betrayed him.

In the end, Scully keeps her skepticism. There must have been an explanation for everything. She even sacrificed the possibility of hearing her dad’s message. When Mulder asks why, after all the evidence in front of her all the time, why she chooses not to believe.

“I’m scared to. I’m scared to believe.”

The X-Files, Season 1, Episode 13 - Beyond the Sea

Do you know why you’re scared to believe? Because you don’t want to end up like your crazy motherfucker of an FBI partner.

Next Time on the X-Files

Season 1, Episode 14 — “Gender Bender”
Oh Jesus. You know what, I don’t even have a joke for this one. Use your imagination.


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