Charlie Kirk pictured here looking like dogshit on national TV.

This one goes without saying, obviously, but it’s a perfect way to kick off my new People Who Suck feature. Charlie Kirk really sucked.

I wrote a post already about how much Charlie Kirk sucked, but it was mostly a rant about his hilarious death and how it was conservatives’ new 9/11. To reiterate, post-death Charlie Kirk has really messed up half of America and you can apparently get fired from your hard-earned job by directly quoting the famous racist, misogynist, Islamophobic, transphobic, xenophobic piece of shit. Try quoting Martin Luther King, Jr. and you won’t get outrage from half of America. Directly quote Charlie Kirk and people get really, really mad at you. Go figure.

Here are some of Charlie Kirk’s best hits. He really believed all this stuff because he sucked:
-Black pilots are scary.
-MLK was awful, actually.
-The 1964 Civil Rights Act was a mistake.
-Muslims are coming to America in droves to destroy the country from within.
-White people are being deliberately and systematically replaced with non-White people.
-Straight people should be throwing heavy rocks at gay people.
-Trans people are Martians coming to America in droves to destroy the country from within.
-Women shouldn’t have autonomy and, in fact, should be killed by their husbands if they don’t cook them dinner every day.
-COVID-19 was a hoax invented by the Chinese in order to steal America’s moon babies.
-Vaccines are “medical apartheid” and children should only receive immunizations via runes thrown on the ground to see what shadows they cast.
-All this and much, much more!

Charlie Kirk was never embarrassed to keep a smile on his face, but he should’ve been.

Charles Aloysius Kirk Esq. was born and raised in a boring Illinois suburb. His father was an architect who worked on Trump Tower, coincidentally, so Kirk’s father sucked too. His mother worked as a mental health counselor, so it’s very likely that Kirk sought emancipation due to her extremely woke profession. His sister works as Chicago art curator, which is pretty artsy and woke, too. As a young child, Kirk pulled wings off of flies and played with matches extensively. He was an Eagle Scout, earning myriad merit badges including “TV/VCR Repair” and “Dick Sucking”. During his junior year of high school, Kirk started voraciously listening to the fat and sweaty Rush Limbaugh. Kirk wrote an editorial for Brietbart in his senior year about how liberal his textbooks were, citing algebra and chemistry as particularly heinous and socialist. It led to his first media appearance on Fox Business at the age of 17, where he was on a panel that conversed extensively on the menacing liberal agenda of sorghum farmers. He was rejected from every college he applied to, so he went to community college where the textbooks were even more liberal and geared toward young women with pierced noses and cats. He left after one semester because it was too hard and he was too stupid to cut it. In May 2012, Kirk met a 72-year-old sex offender named Bill Montgomery and they co-founded Turning Point USA. The organization aimed to spread misinformation rampantly in order to turn white privileged high school kids into completely unempathetic, Hitler-loving assholes. Charlie Kirk was shot in the neck at age 31. The dumbass didn’t even get as old as Jesus.

I hate constantly hearing about this guy. To this day, the news is still packed with stories about how people are losing their jobs over saying mean things about this irredeemable cunt. When he got shot (and died, lol), conservative social media was in an uproar about how the “radical left” was responsible for such far-right-style violence. They called it an “assassination”, a word usually reserved for victims who weren’t undereducated crybaby podcasters. I spoke at length about the Jimmy Kimmel situation, an event so mindfuckingly stupid that I still can’t believe it happened. Oh no, Charlie Kirk was the 98,767th victim of gun violence in America in 2025. Don’t make light of it, it’s disrespectful! You know, even though Kirk himself often claimed that senseless gun violence is a necessary way of life in America and that a heap of dead kids during daily school shootings is required for maintaining the Second Amendment (the only amendment that’s important these days, it seems). In short, he died for the cause. He got what he wanted. Charlie Kirk would have completely fine with his own outcome. Too bad he was too busy spouting blood out of his thick neck to have a comment at the time.

RIP Charlie Kirk. I hope you don’t have an issue with the devil’s liberal agenda.

Fuck off.