January 2, 2003 – Hampton Coliseum, Hampton, VA

Set One

Chalk Dust Torture — 14:50
Ahhh, chalk dust torture. My favorite kind of torture! It’s like waterboarding, right, except you throw chalk at the dude and start jerking off right in front of him. College was good times.

Trey is just so happy to be doing shows again. He giggles a little bit here and there as he sings through the opening, launching into a tight jam at around 3:30. It gets weird around 6:00 and then gets slow and weird around 10:00. Usually the first song is something stupid like “Wilson” or a shitty 7-minute “Chalk Dust Torture”, but this is a fantastic start! If this is like waterboarding, then sign me up!

Bathtub Gin — 17:23
A 17-minute “Bathtub Gin”?! Have I died and gone to Cool Hell? I mean, listen to this thing. Page is slamming the keys with his extremely large penis and it sounds fantastic!

Then Trey’s little pre-jam bridge is sloppy and uninspired, all sorts of “dooooo, doo-doo-doo-doo doot doot doo-doo-doooo…” etc. And then the jam is fun, but it doesn’t really TAKE YOU PLACES, you know? Not like a heaping chalice full of deliciously warm bathtub gin. I’m drinking it right now, and let me tell you. It’s stripping the wallpaper right off my esophagus.

It’s Ice — 7:58
“LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TOM HANKS!” Trey yells before launching into a standard “It’s Ice” with Page’s typically out-of-tune voice. Then things SLOW DOWN at around 5:00 and Page punches some of them keys in the high register.

Yo, what did the glass of ice say to the can of Pepsi? “It’s ice.” I just made up that really good joke just now.

Back on the Train — 11:57
Gettin’ groovy now, son. The mid-tempo “Back on the Train” keeps it real, yo. Just cruising along like the Amtrak train that takes me between Detroit and Kalamazoo in roughly 17 hours. That’s a 3-hour car trip.

The jam never really goes anywhere, but it’s pleasant enough. Kinda like the first 13 hours of the Amtrak train trip. Only not as full of dirty, filthy hobos! Unless you count Trey.

Round Room — 6:09
This is a very underrated song off of the album that shares its name. It’s beyond my understanding why this has only been played six times, with four of those in 2003. Maybe it’s because Mike sings it and his voice is even worse than Page’s.

This song is very bouncy. Even bouncier than “Bouncing Around the Room” and that song has “bouncing” in the title. It also has “round room”. Anyway, “Round Room” is a pleasant listen and NO ONE APPRECIATES IT THE WAY I DO.

The Horse — 1:04
Oh fucking boy, “The Horse”. I bet “Silent in the Morning” is next.

Silent in the Morning — 5:01
Oh fucking boy, “Silent in the Morning”. Usually every “Silent in the Morning” sounds like every other “Silent in the Morning”, but this one is particularly bad. It’s full of flubs and wrong notes and that higher octave noodling from Trey that starts at 4:00 is sloppy at best and really, really sloppy at worst!

I hope something good is next!

Stash — 12:28
Hey, I love “Stash”! This one starts off like complete shit, though. Trey’s guitar is puking notes that are full of unsavory chunks. The audience does better at the hand claps than anything the rest of the band is doing.

Nah, it’s not that bad. But these composed sections need to be TIGHT or else nerds like me listening over 20 years later will bitch and moan on his blog that no one reads. And why would Phish want that? Exactly.

Jam is fantastic and tense! I like a good “Stash” that isn’t afraid to rip and roll, my friends. And you can take such a thing to the bank, I say.

Water in the Sky — 6:03
More like my Penis in your Butt. What a boring fucking song this is! It makes me want to get up and dance as long as I’m present at yo mama’s funeral and I’m dancing to the dirgiest dirge.

Nah, it’s not that bad. It has that bluegrass shuffle that they like to use once in a while, which is fun! It’s fun! I’m serious. Take me seriously once in a while.

Character Zero — 8:17
Hey, check it out, it’s a “Character Zero” set closer! That shit never happens! Never at all ever! Someone take a picture of this moment before it doesn’t happen again for the next 999 out of 1000 shows.

Nah, it’s not that bad. But it is this time. It starts out so weak and unconfident that I’m shitting my stupid pants right now. Jesus Christ, guys. Get it together.

Huff. Sigh. Set Two coming up. Let’s hope for some tasty extended jamming.

Set Two

46 Days — 21:06
The debut of “46 Days” gets all hell of jammed out, but it’s not like crazy jamming. It’s like “I’m sitting on the couch in the basement stoned out of my gourd on pineapple edibles and noodling around on my dad’s old Stratocaster while Fraggle Rock is on TV”-type jamming.

And that’s not a bad thing! People need a nice breather after waiting in line to use a disease-ridden portable toilet during the intermission with the other filthy hippies and degenerates!

Phish!

Simple — 10:28
“46 Days” kind of peters out into nothing and then Trey decides to start a half-assed “Simple” riff to get out of it. Like, hey guys, I could’ve hung onto your “46 Days” jam for another 15 minutes, but instead I have to hear you sing about saxophones and skyscrapers. Thanks.

My Friend, My Friend — 6:29
I was going to give them shit for putting such a mid song like “My Friend, My Friend” smack dab in the center of Set 2, but this is a pretty good version and I’m embarrassed to have jumped to such an early conclusion! I’m also embarrassed to be listening to Phish!

The thing about “My Friend, My Friend” is that it’s sing-songy while still being proggy, and there aren’t many of those types of structured, short-form songs in their repertoire. Usually it’s just sing-songy and insufferable (“Bouncing Around the Room” or “NICU”) or just proggy and insufferable (“Guyute” or “Reba”), but here we have insufferability in a joint package! Impressive!

Limb by Limb — 10:24
“Limb by Limb” is one of my guilty pleasures, because I like the whole “limb by limb by limb by” thing while Trey and Mike vocals. And usually these jams are knotty and cool, and this one is no different. Right around the 8-minute mark, Trey starts high-pitch shreddin’ like he’s dicing tomatoes at a family reunion potluck! And if that analogy makes any sense to you, come over to my house and try to explain it to me.

Thunderhead — 7:08
This tune was so recognizable to me as it kicked off that I couldn’t believe it has only been played live seven times. Then I realized that it was because I’ve listened to the Round Room album more than any other human being on this Earth and I am chagrined to report that I like it.

I’m the only idiot Phish fan who listens to their studio albums. What a fucking dingus.

Run Like an Antelope– 12:11
If you’ve heard one “Run Like an Antelope” then you’ve pretty much heard them all, which isn’t a bad thing at all. Usually they don’t get too strange with this one, but Trey puts on his best guitar face while fretting his way through the section at around 7:30, which makes this one pretty fun. Normalcy returns at 9:40 and finishes off with your standard RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN etc.

If there’s one thing about running like an antelope, it’s that you gotta do it out of control, man.

Cavern — 5:42
A DICKHOLE CONNECTOR
A BOTTLE DIRECTOR
A JIGSAW ERECTOR
A TV PROTECTOR
A DILDO CONVECTOR
A FRUSTRATED SPECTRE
A NONSENSE FUNCHECTOR
A PICTURE OF NECTAR

Encore

Mexican Cousin — 5:51
This song is apparently about getting so drunk on tequila that the four ugliest people to ever start a band kissed your Mexican cousin. And guess what? They’re ready for more! Isn’t that nice?? Right on the pussy.

Listen, this has been fun. Let’s meet up again for another sexy Phish show another time, shall we?