My name is Captain Hulk Von Snootin, and I find myself traveling Sector X-78 of the Milky Way galaxy (where all the fuckin’ nerds are). While looking for space pussy, I find a beautiful green planet in the far distance that looks like Earth. I land on a continent shaped like Texas with a penis and realize right away that the air is made of hydrofluoric acid. Luckily I’m wearing my saran wrap face shield, keeping me safe from the harmful effects.

So begins my exploration.

Day 1
I set up camp on the summit of a 30,000 ft mountain where the air is frigid and unrelenting. While lounging around reading one of my many Kama Sutra books, a gentle mongoose-type creature sidles up next to me. I intend to share my can of Bush’s baked beans with the curious little fella, but he immediately bites me on the arm and scurries away. I swear to god it sounds like he was laughing at me. The son of a bitch really sunk his teeth into my bicep, so I take out my trusty first aid kit and spray the shit out of my wounds with disinfectant (it was my good fortune that my animal-like screaming was likely unheard by anyone this high up on the mountain). Four hours later, my arm is starting to turn a weird purplish-blue color. I fear that I may not live through the night.

Day 2
The wounds have turned a healthy pinkish-red color, so all is well. If I find that mongoose again I’m going to punt it like a football.

I’ve gotten used to the harsh climate of the mountain top, so I decide to stay up here another day. While moseying toward a strange, twisting, craggy river flowing down the mountain for a fresh supply of what I hope isn’t more hydrofluoric acid for my canteen, I notice a strange glowing, yellowish rock that’s about yea tall and about yea wide *motions with hands even though the thing is the size of a brontosaurus*. Upon closer inspection, the rock is covered with strange glyphs that I’m assuming is an alphabet from a mysterious language. What was the origin of this rock? Why is it glowing, and what do these strange symbols mean? I decide to table my curiosity for now, since the pulsing glow of the rock has already irradiated my fragile body and I fear my insides are melting.

Day 3
I haven’t eaten a fucking thing since I arrived on the planet, so I wisely decide to descend the mountain to find something edible like berries or a chocolate bunny. I follow the river down to the base of the mountain and suddenly spot someone — or something — that looks vaguely human drinking heartily from the river. Upon closer inspection, since I’m a disgusting looky-loo, the “person” appears to be a humanoid female. No hair, tan skin, bare breasts up the wazoo, and scraps of fabric that barely cover the… uhm… pubic, uh, region. She catches a glimpse of me and jumps back a step. I try my best to look non-threatening even though I’m carrying my giant gun and pointing it at her alarmingly. “Hello,” I say in my sultry baritone voice. “My name is Hulk Von Snootin. I’m an explorer from Planet Earth on the other side of the Milky Way galaxy. Do you have a name?”

“Glork,” she says. I tell her it’s a pretty name. “Say, can you follow me up the 30,000 foot mountain? There’s a strange glowing rock with some sort of twisty, wack-ass alien language written all over it. Can you help me figure out what that’s all about?

“Glork,” she days, and pretty soon I’m back at the strange rock. I witness with a hushed awe as she places her hand against the rock and falls into a deep trance. The rock stops glowing, the glyphs disappear, then she pushes me down to the ground, steals my wallet, and runs down the mountain. Fuck, man! I had my Dairy Queen punch card in there and I was one more punch away from a free Blizzard. What a bitch!

So, screw this! After an extremely unpleasant three days, I leave Planet KM-402. Good riddance!