Orlbar: Where frightening-looking buildings covered in giant scythes loom over stinky huts made of hay and sticks.

Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time we learned about our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, an elven nerd from whatever village elven nerds hail from. Today we kick off our adventure proper. I think. Don’t quote me on this.

There are about three pages of backstory regarding Milhouse’s arrival to Orlbar, which is my favorite candy. It’s a snowy town at the foot of the Greypeak Mountains. But what brought Milhouse here, you ask? The prospects of GOLD, son. Rumors abound of a large horde of treasure in a goblin keep! After entering Orlbar, Milhouse visits a tavern where he gets shitty on hot mulled wine while scarfing down some bread and cheese. Then he travels to a nearby inn where he kicks off his little elf boots and settles down for the night. Oh, it feels so good to have a roof over one’s head after many days of sleeping in brambles and getting endlessly attacked by wolves.

There are the sounds of a woman sobbing in the next room and it has nothing to do with sex. Tired of hearing this cacophony of blubbering, Milhouse decides to get out of bed and knock on the door of the adjacent room. An old man dressed in noble clothes answers the door; the sobbing woman wears equally flamboyant clothing. The man has a black eye, which means he must have fallen down the stairs! Milhouse puffs out his chest and asks if EVERYTHING IS OK IN THERE. The nobles look at the disheveled, unkempt Milhouse as if he were a terrible smear of poop under their noses. Finally, the woman lets Milhouse in.

Pictured: Lord and Lady Brewmont.

The couple are Lord and Lady Brewmont. They arrived in Orlbar for a little vacation at the Holiday Inn Express with their grandson, whom they call “son” (I’ll call him Chauncey). On their way, a mysterious knight accosted the two on the road and he cold-cocked Lord Brewmont right in the ol’ eyeball. “Then he grabbed our boy, threw him on a horse and bolted! Without a word!” Milhouse takes his finger and presses it against Lord Brewmont’s lips. “Shhhh…” he says gently. “Did he seem familiar, this knight?” he asks unhelpfully. Lord Elric Brewmont is like “LOOK, MAN, I KNOW I LOOK RICH AS SHIT. THAT’S BECAUSE I AM RICH AS SHIT. I’M FAMOUS ‘ROUND THESE PARTS, SOME ASSHOLE SAW HIS OPPORTUNITY AND NOW MY GRANDSON/SON IS BEING HELD FOR RANSOM IN SOME HOLE. I GET IT.” Chauncey is actually named Darek, and now he’s gone! Ripped right out their tight little hands! It’s madness!

Milhouse arches an eyebrow and asks, ok, what did they do about it? Well, the Brewmonts went straight to the Captain of the Guard in Orlbar, but he turned out to be quite the incompetent piece of shit. He did nothing but swill some beer and fuck a girl’s butt right in front of all of them. It was unseemly. Then he said something along the lines of “The knight was a ghost and he wanted to pick a fresh squire.” Malarkey, eh? “They say the knight lives in the wood nearby,” says Lady Brewmont. “Weathercote Wood.”

Lord Elric Brewmont isn’t even listening. He’s so fuming mad about all this that he picks up his Xbox and throws it out of the window. He promises to find this knight and slap him silly with a leather glove. Young elven Milhouse looks Lord Brewmont up and down. This dude is pushing 940 and couldn’t lift a plate of tasty haggis to save his life. No matter. Wealthy is wealthy, and if these rich white people are missing their son then surely they’ll cough up a great reward for the return of the poor little nerd. “I can find your boy,” Milhouse says with hearty conviction.

The couple offers Milhouse 2000 gold pieces for the return of Darek. Milhouse accepts the offer with gusto.

And the journey begins! Next time, of course! Next time!