Welcome to Dungeons & Dragons – The Death Knight’s Squire! Last time our hero, Milhouse the Scholar, chatted with an old man about the Death Knight’s origins. Then, verily, Milhouse entered the Weathercote Wood in search of the missing grandson Darek. Nothing interesting has happened yet except the brutal, untimely death of his horse. He barely cared about that though. Milhouse is kind of a sociopath.

The map above is of Weathercote Wood itself, and Milhouse is now on the bottom right of the map in Tilepage 2. The adventure continues…

Milhouse is prompted to move toward the webs, which can only mean giant-ass spiders. With hesitation, our young intrepid elf-like hero presses forward stealthily. That means another ability check! Let’s get ‘er done, as my blue-collar readers would say.

– Stealth check (DC 15). Roll 1 (+3) = 4. I couldn’t have failed worse! Moving stealthily has failed and I pretty much stomp on crunchy leaves with so much force that it echoes to Mars.

Milhouse edges forward holding his quarterstaff taut in his hot little hands. Anticipating those mean, nasty, curmudgeonly spiders, Milhouse is ready for an ambush at any moment! He stops before the first giant web and looks around, making sure no spiders are spelling words in their webs like Charlotte. An ordinary weapon is not strong enough to cut through the mass of silken threads easily. That means a sword, son. A quarterstaff? Forget about it. Let’s see if Milhouse knows any flame-producing cantrips or spells in order to burn through this sucker.

*consults lousy character sheet*

Milhouse knows Mage Hand, Light, and Ray of Frost. He also knows Burning Hands as a spell, which sounds pretty fucking solid to me. However, there is an intricate sequence of spell memorization that I haven’t mastered yet. Hmm…

*consults 9,000-paged Player’s Handbook*

OK, so, uh… here’s what I have to do to cast Burning Hands, which I’m going to pretend Milhouse memorized since he slept about 96 hours since he started the quest. “The fire ignites any flammable objects in the area that aren’t being worn or carried.” Sounds good to me, eh? I cast burning hands, and since I’m not fighting a monster, I trust that this is automatically successful! I’m a smart DnD player.

As the flames consume the webs, Milhouse hears a horrible, awful, terrible screeching sound. No, it ain’t his mama. It’s TWO GIANT WOLF SPIDERS! EEK! And now he has to fight these fuckers. Wish him luck.

Bad news, man. Upside down on ceilings?? Who can defeat that??

Milhouse readies his weapon and pees his pants a little bit at the prospect of having to fight two of these things.

-Roll 1d8 = 4. Spiders are 4 squares away from Milhouse, so that’s a good buffer. Roll initiative = 1 (+3) = 4, which sucks I think. This is the part where I need to bone up on my DnD Combat knowledge, so I’ll be back in about three hours.

…

And we’re back! So it looks like rolling initiative is useless in a solo adventure because I’m the only member of a party, and therefore I always go first in my party! And because I rolled a 1 (+3), and the giant wolf spiders’ dexterities are +3, I go first. That’s how I’m interpreting it, at least. If someone wants to dig up Gary Gygax for an argument, I’m game.

Milhouse moves 30 feet and prepares his attack! He checks his cantrips and decides to invoke Ray of Frost! He chooses his target (Spider #1, naturally), and since the range of attack for Ray of Frost is hella 60 feet, he’s just close enough to hit a target… if successful. Let’s roll on, friends.

-“A frigid beam of blue-white light streaks toward a creature within range. Make a ranged spell attack against the target. On a hit, it takes 1d8 cold damage, and its speed is reduced by 10 feet until the start of your next turn.” d20 + Intelligence + Proficiency = 19 + 3 + 4 = 26, so with the spider’s Armor Class of 13, that’s a fucking hit if I ever saw one. 1d8 = 3 points of damage. Boo! Spider #1 down to 8 HP.

It’s Spider #1’s turn. Milhouse cowers in fear as it advances 30 feet and starts trying to bite him for a bit! Luckily, the spider is more than five feet away so he can’t hit a bitch. Same with Spider #2, who moves 40 feet and can’t touch shit. Milhouse gives it another go with Ray of Frost since he’s not within melee range yet.

-d20 + Intelligence + Proficiency = 22. Yeah, that’s the good stuff. 1d8 = 7 (!) and Spider #1 is down to 1 HP!

This is exciting, isn’t it folks? Milhouse sprays that cold stuff all over Spider #1 and it huffs and puffs. Too bad both spiders are now within fighting range and Milhouse only has 12 HP. The battle is heating up!

GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!!!

-The spiders deal 4 HP of damage. +4 to hit, I roll an 8 so the total is 12. I have an armor class of 13. Whew! Spider #1 misses. Spider #2 – I roll a 19 so he brings me down to 8 HP. I roll a DC 11 saving throw of 10 (+1) saving throw, so I receive another 3 poison damage. 5 HP? I’m gonna die.

Milhouse huffs and puffs after taking a big spider bite to the arm. His good arm, too. His whacking arm. Now that the spiders are close, Milhouse whips out his quarterstaff and smacks that first spider.

-d20 + Strength + Proficiency = 6 (-1) (+4) = 9. Whoops, below the AC of 13. I guess I missed. Damn.

Milhouse looks up at the big, scary giant wolf spiders. They each get another turn, and something tells me that this won’t end well.

-Spider #1 = 13 + 4 = 17, so yeah, he hits me for 4, bringing me down to 1 HP. My saving throw doesn’t matter; even a successful throw still results in 0 HP. I lose, man. I lose.

On his hands and knees, Milhouse drags his broken body to a hole and dies.

THE END? OR IS IT? Instead of rolling up a new character, I’m going to try my hand at fighting these spiders again until I goddamn win. Or, at least until I figure out if I’m even doing this combat thing correctly! Either way, we’re done here for now. Catch you next time when I try fighting these bastards again.