Summer is almost over and the school year is upon us. My oldest daughter starts kindergarten tomorrow! Isn’t that fucked up. I think so! Especially since she’s going to beat everyone up while she’s there. That’s my girl!

I’m switching things up for a while starting today. Three usual strips, but I’ll be nixing the user comments section on those. Then, I’ll post today’s Mallard Fillmore (which has the most loopy, completely unhinged comments I’ve ever seen on any strip) and spotlight those. Mallard Fillmore every Sunday until I get tired of that! How long will that take? Probably two weeks.

Frazz

Everyone’s favorite Calvin & Hobbes ripoff comic comments on sports-related nonsense that pretends to be way more thought-provoking than it actually is (not at all whatsoever). Baseball teams have their preseason in nice weather. Football teams have their preseason in nice weather. It’s like a really, really shitty version of that George Carlin bit. Jef Mallett doesn’t know when to stop ripping everything off.

Would you want your child to spend the day alone in a canoe with the school janitor? Something nefarious is going on here and I don’t want to be around to witness the worst of it.

Arlo and Janis

The only thing I ever have to say about Arlo and Janis is that there is never a discernible punchline. It’s like an avantgarde piece of musique concrète in the form of four colors of ink, but there’s no artistic merit to it nor any actual underlying message. It’s just the two most boring adults on Earth living their boring lives in front of everyone who never asked to see it.

“August is the traditional vacation time in much of Europe!” Not even the exclamation point can save such a miserably stilted sentence. And it only gets more dull from there! I’m going to have a goddamn heart attack if I keep writing about Arlo and Janis. I need my pills.

Heathcliff

Speaking of avantgarde art, Heathcliff is the best strip in the newspaper that you didn’t know was good. Helmets and gum and robots and Garbage Apes and poker with giraffes, every installment is a true masterpiece!

Never mind that Heathcliff is wearing a comical bee costume. Never mind that Heathcliff wears a constant visage of satisfaction. Never even mind that Heathcliff plays “Flight of the Bumblebee” flawlessly on his fife (which, I believe, is accurately notated here in the strip). I want to draw your attention to the second panel. No background. No speech. No actions. Just Heathcliff’s bee head on the bottom. Remarkable. Resplendent.

I would’ve made a joke about the Pied Piper instead, but if Heathcliff himself heard that I was naysaying he would have me smited to kingdom come! So I apologize, sir. My liege. I’ll never, ever again allow my thoughts to stray in such a manner.

Mallard Fillmore

All the testimonials, the corroborating evidence, actually discovered evidence, and the consistency of the criminal activity among literally dozens upon dozens of individuals isn’t enough for your typical right-wing detached-from-reality lunatic like Loren Fishman. It’s all still speculation. It’s all still hearsay. And he’s going to stick it to all those liberal pieces of woke shit today by representing their kind as a well-dressed, neatly combed man with a giant butt chin! That’ll fucking show those lefty cucktards. *fart fart fart* There’s the democrat chin again, giving its opinions! *fart* *fart*

SATX2CCFL: “Hearsay and speculation is what drives the Leftists and Dem Trump haters. The Mueller Investigation, two impeachments and now Pelosi’s Selected committee. All based on hearsay and speculation. And now an FBI raid on MAL. ALL PARTISAN POLITICAL WITCH HUNTS. All perpetuated with a compliant and cooperative MSM.”

Strong words coming from a person whose username looks like a license plate! Zing!

What the…??: “Just got banned from the Times of San Diego for having an opinion of my own and sticking up for myself. I’ll admit I may have gone a bit overboard on a comment to another commenter but only after I was served up a plate of the other commenters disgusting drivel. I see this as a Badge of Honor. By the way, the ToSD is very left leaning…”

“Having an opinion of my own and sticking up for myself” usually means typing out a veritable colorful kaleidoscope of racist and sexist slurs while posting middle finger emojis and insisting that Anne Heche was right to plow her car into that house. And then wondering why people are so mad and mean to you about it on the Internet.

Dani: “Well folks, as much as this will enrage most liberals, to paraphrase the immortal words of Rush Limbaugh, I am heading out to my 15,000 gallon, in-ground pool to take a time out and enjoy the fruits of the obscene profits I have made throughout my hard-working life. Ta-ta!”

I thought Rush Limbaugh’s pool was filled with 15,000 gallons of Oxycontin and McDonald’s hamburgers.

Hey, that was fun! I’m looking forward to next Sunday already!