The planet is rife with misery and chaos! Climate change is inevitable in my lifetime. Putin isn’t going to stop killing Ukrainians until he’s dead or they’re all dead. Congress keeps getting packed with braindead representatives who believe that there are tracking chips lodged up their noses and mind-control chips in their Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Elon Musk will eventually knock up every single woman on Earth, consensually or otherwise.

But at least we have the rib-tickling antics of Blondie and Mallard Fillmore to take our minds off of the atrocities of this Hell Planet!

Blondie

Ugghhhh, read the room, Blondie. Are you seeing any of the societal progress happening around you in the 21st century, or we still stuck in 1948 where you can exchange your wife for a toaster at the pawn shop. It’s like, hey Dagwood, while you were spending the day sucking dicks in the dick-sucking mines, Blondie was cramming 79 hours of work into a totally shitty 8 hour day with the constant reminder that she’s married to you, you magician-looking pointy-haired sack of shit.

So stay in that fucking tub until you die of starvation.

G Bruce Hollett: “How long has the fridge been out? Most will keep food safe for 25 hours or so.”
Do Tell: “It’s also probably not a good time to tell Dagwood that today is Sunday, and he is entitled to the day off.”
Chip Cayer: “You’d think as a caterer, she’d have lots of leftover food available all the time to have for dinner.”

You all have brainworms. Every last one of you.

Mother Goose & Grimm

This reminded me of TWO things. First, Jayne Mansfield getting decapitated after her driver plowed into the back of a semitruck. Second, James Byrd Jr. getting tied to a pickup truck and dragged for miles by white supremacists.

In either case, Grimmy has some hard times ahead of him.

Wirepunchr: “It looks like you are going to get rolled over.”

THANK you, Wirepunchr! That’s an upvote from me, my good man!

Mallard Fillmore

Saved the best for last! Finally, after two instances where Mallard Fillmore was conspicuously absent in my Sucky Funnies feature, here he is, finally, in all his glory, treating us with the People’s Eyebrow for three panels.

While I’m proud of Mallard Fillmore because he found a way to sympathize with a younger generation without sneering about Kids These Days™; dare I say, even embracing the situation, I’m going to have to call bullshit on Loren Fishman’s grasp of technology timelines. This dumb duck holding an iPod with a click wheel, a feature that had been already discontinued from iPods since 2014 by the way, thinks that these devices are Gen Z-era technology? Please, these kids have been watching Spongebob on their iPhones since they were eight years old and getting all their music from Spotify and Youtube. The iPod is a total Gen X / Millennial music player.

Millennials and their Walkmans? Fair enough, but Gen X enjoyed those for longer and you didn’t even mention them.

I don’t have any real funny commentary for this today! I predict that the lovely individuals in the comments section are going to be able to boringly wax nostalgic about their own music playing devices while simultaneously bitching about how Obama ruined their lawns with space lasers.

Blue_Fez: “AAA says properly inflated tires can save drivers, 3 cents a gallon. I say properly counted votes can save drivers $3 a gallon.”
Certiorll: “I don’t understand all the hoopla regarding the ten-year-old insurrectionist no one, including the Washington Post, can find. Brandon himself said the little girl was (understandably) fleeing the sniffer and wanted to end his presidency.”
SATX2CCFL: “DeSantis Reacts to Newsom’s Targeting of Florida: ‘California is Driving People Away With Terrible Governance’”
SageGrouse: “Nah, let ’em laugh. THEN hand them a dial phone and say “Make a call.” Or give ’em a Walkman and say “Play something on that!”… they CAN’T! Heck. most can’t even read cursive or tel time on a clock with hands! let ’em mock! Better still……. hand ’em a SLIDE RULE”

Good thing the future of our country will no longer be in the hands of these people.

On behalf of the entire Millennial generation, I give all future generations FULL PERMISSION to vaporize us off the planet when we hit 60 years old. Deal? Good. Because we’re going to be too completely clouded with nostalgia about Space Jam and Waffle Crisp to be of any use to anyone.