Hi there! It’s Sunday again, and the awful stomachache that comes with the anticipation of the work week ahead is prominent and impossible to ignore. Allow me to help ease the pain with three awful comic strips: Zippy the Pinhead, Judge Parker, and Popeye.

Zippy the Pinhead

I genuinely don’t understand Zippy the Pinhead. Does he have brain damage? Is he an alien trying to assimilate? Did he escape from a hospital somewhere? I don’t think Bill Griffith even knows.

But fuck this stupid comic. I don’t even know what’s going on here. I’m angry. What is the Help Wanted sign is even asking for? There are people who get paid money to make this strip? There are newspapers that take up valuable funnies-page real estate to run this abortion? Suck a lemon, Zippy.

Judge Parker

Out-of-context Judge Parker! I don’t follow this strip, I don’t know what’s going on at all! I don’t know who Randy and Charlotte are or why they disappeared, but if the motherfuckin’ CIA was involved in the search party, then it sounds like they were either siphoning money from the Russian oligarchs to fund Ukrainian defense, OR they were kidnapped by the Taliban while vacationing in Kabul.

In any case, if I were Alan Parker I wouldn’t be celebrating just yet. It could’ve been one of those scam calls where people prey on doddering old grandmothers to try to get them to pay for their grandchild’s release out of a Mexican prison. OR, better yet, the CIA is tired of Alan Parker’s shit and they’re just crank calling to tease and taunt him! Randy and Charlotte are floating facedown in a drainage ditch somewhere. Now that’s a gag.

Popeye

Correct me if I’m wrong, but doesn’t Popeye want to bone Olive Oyl anyway? Why does she need to visit the local magical hag for a face full of, what’s this now, spinach pheromones? I’d say she should just fill a bathtub loaded with canned spinach and lower her naked bony body into the slop, waiting for Popeye to come home so they can do some spinach-poundin’. Mmm-hmmm.

I find two things fascinating: a) this miserable old witch has a smartphone, which means her thatched roof witch hut in the middle of the dark forest has both cell reception and an electrical outlet, and b) the stink lines around Olive Oyl fit her character so well that they should consider adding them as a permanent feature.