Leaves are falling and it’s just about time to kick on my furnace for the first time of the season, which means I’ll discover that it’s broken again and I’ll have to call the guy with the wrench to come over to my house and hit it for an hour for $450.

But hey, at least I can seek solace in the hilarity of the Sunday funnies! What’s on tap today, ladies and gentlemen?

Pluggers

Yes, we get it. We get it. Your average Plugger is a complete fucking slob who barely has enough energy to heft their bulk onto their Rascal Scooters and zip on down to the community center to pull the lever for Trump. But 10,000 calories? What is that, like eight Hungry Man meals? 20 Taco Bell Crunchwrap Supremes? 357 Marshmallow Peeps? Put the fork down, Karen from Farmersville, Texas, or else your equally slovenly husband won’t be able to scale your massive body to the top for forced, uncomfortable, heart attack-inducing sexual relations.

Stupid Pluggers.

Herb and Jamaal

The joke here is that Jamaal doesn’t have enough hair to necessitate a haircut in the first place, but I’m fixated on the fact that Jamaal has no hair at all unless you count those little wisps on the side of his head that he could just shave off at home with a BIC razor in 30 seconds.

But here’s where the humor actually lies: Jamaal goes to get a haircut often enough to ask for a loyalty discount. This fucker visits the barbershop with enough frequency that he should understand the policy by now, but no. Like a braindead goldfish, he tries to haggle with the barber again about a reduction in price, a tradition he has indulged himself in every month for the last 35 years. Anyone else find that funny? Just me? Okay.

Tarzan

There are so many of these serial comic strips that require keeping up lest you become lost forever. There is never any handholding, never any “previously on” segments, just a woman dressed vaguely like medieval Maleficent warning her clan of fancifully-dressed archers that, if Tarzan and his similarly mostly-naked horde of hairy elves crosses the bridge, they’ll have escaped harm forever. Who in the country is keeping up with the adventures of Tarzan?? Little Jimmy is playing Mario Kart, he doesn’t have time to read a comic strip that started almost 100 years before he was born. It’s ridiculous that this shit is still in syndication. It makes me want to poop right on my newspaper.

Although the idea of the Spock-eared elf having so little precious time to get away that he abbreviates “Tarzan” to “T’Zan” to save a modicum of breath is funny to me. It sounds like a stage name for his Wu-Tang Clan cover group, along with G of the Jungle. Werd.