Halloween is here, and my kids are excited to knock on strangers’ doors and beg for treats like the dogs they are. If only they were dressing up as dogs, then it would really be sad.

Speaking of sad, here are three of today’s wonderful funnies.

Rex Morgan, M.D.

Rex Morgan got stuck with the kids again, and he makes no attempt to crack a smile for their benefit. His morning newspaper is interrupted, which is a sin in of itself, but these kids are spending entirely too many minutes at the store looking for costumes. The defining moment is Rex slumped over his shopping cart, defeated, begging his children to allow him to escape this Hell they have created for him. Face the music, Rex. There is no escaping Hell. They will never choose a costume, and this is the afterlife you deserve.

Take It from the Tinkersons

Little Tommy Tinkerson (or whatever his name is) catches flack for dressing up as something that isn’t age-appropriate from the local neighborhood Karen. But just look at what his other costume ideas were:

-Wet nurse
-Hitler zombie
–Hustler Magazine photographer
-Joker with a dildo
–Kama Sutra reinacter
-Boy with exploded head
-Salmon gutter
-Polonium-210 victim
-Diarrhea Master

As you can see, Karen should lighten up a little bit and give the little brat his candy.

Shoe

Is “Shoe” the name of the sad, hunched-over button-down-wearing platypus thing? Because not only does he look like a shoe, but he seems to be somehow unaware of what the news looks like on TV when it’s presented to him. Imagine Cindy the Weather Girl telling us that Bangor, Maine is experiencing light showers and Shoe is like “WHAT IS GOING ON, WHAT PSYCHOLOGICAL HORROR IS PENETRATING MY SKULL RIGHT NOW? WHERE ARE MY PILLS, MA??”

This is topical considering that the election almost a week away and I, too, am shitting my pants. Maybe Shoe and I are in good company here. Or maybe his news is about a surge in soybean futures. Either way, the news is scary! Where are my pills, Ma?