Welcome yet again to another wonderful fucking Sunday. Oh boy, do I have a “treat” for you! Today’s theme is female leads whose names have five letters!

No Mallard Fillmore today, because screw anyone who associates themselves with Mallard Fillmore. Maybe next week. At least at this moment, if I have to read a duck bitch about reverse racism I’m to flip this table over and shit on Christmas.

Luann

Oh look, the newest copy of Libido magazine just came out! Features include “20 Innovative Ways to Hump Your Pillow” and “Girls: Yes They Poop, How To Stay Attracted”.

Yes, Luann is breaking the fourth wall by commenting that she has been a teenager for the last 24 years. I’ve been a teenager for the last 22 years, man. It feels like it. I’m actually 34, but aren’t we all just perpetual teenagers…

Sorry, I didn’t mean to get pensive and philosophical. Here, let’s take out minds off of these existential problems with one of Libido’s newest features: “Is That Cute Guy Over There Winking at Me, or Does He Just Have Bell’s Palsy?”

Nancy

If looks could kill, Nancy’s face could level a major metropolitan area. Little does she know that if she decided to make a giant scene in front of her friends, they would most certainly still be thinking about her. She should’ve thrown a giant tantrum, slamming her fists on the floor and smearing pounds of her own feces all over the walls with her face. They literally wouldn’t be able to think about anything else

Instead, Narcissistic Nancy throws her own pity party. No feces involved at all. Nothing has been learned here.

Agnes

I don’t know much about Agnes, but I get the impression that she’s quite a bit like Marcie from Peanuts in every rip-off way you can imagine. Temperament. Appearance. I don’t know if she calls any female characters “sir”, but if the Frazz guy can completely steal every idea from an actual beloved comic strip, then why not Tony Cochran of Agnes?

It takes a long time to get the punchline, but it’s not worth it whatsoever because it’s really awful. Tony Cochran instead wanted to spend the bulk of his strip’s size limitations shoehorning in his esoteric Bob Dylan opinions! So much so, that he spent exactly two seconds coming up with the “humorous” part. If this is a representative Agnes strip, then I’ll have many more to comment upon in the future.