Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13 – “Chapter Thirteen: Punishment”

* Part 13 of 13 of the Batman: The Long Halloween limited series *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13 – “Chapter Thirteen: Punishment”! We’re finally at the end of a loooooooooong Halloween, ladies and gentlemen! In the previous installment, Maroni is the latest victim on Labor Day. After Batman and Gordon spend the whole issue convinced that Harvey “Two-Face” Dent is the killer, the killer is not actually Harvey Dent at all! It’s some man with purple sunglasses.

Anticlimactic? You better believe it! But let’s see where this goes…

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13 [December, 1997]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Chapter Thirteen: Punishment”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Labor Day in Gotham City. “I am Holiday,” says Holiday, a smug sumbitch if I’ve ever seen one. Then a kerfuffle happens! The guard assisting Gordon and Maroni get back up, not at all dead or shot in the chest as one would believe! He was wearing a Kevlar vest, so he was shot in the chest. Just not, you know, chestily enough. Gordon grabs Holiday’s gun, and the guard slugs Holiday’s head with all his might, breaking his stupid glasses and causing blood spit-up. ALWAYS punch someone wearing glasses, I always say. Batman pops in to tell us such gems as “guns are bad” and “guns killed my parents”, so he loses America’s deplorable Republican vote right there. “This is only the beginning,” he warns Holiday.

So this Purple Glasses Buttfucker? It’s Alberto Falcone, who we all thought died in Issue #4! But oh no, here he is in the flesh! “On New Year’s Eve, Alberto was killed. Another of the Holiday victims. The city coroner confirmed his death. I went to the grave myself.” In short, Batman = confused. So it’s not Harvey Dent after all? Ugh, too bad he’s on a rocket set on a direct course for the sun. No going back on that now, I suppose.

Alberto lies there bleeding. Batman grabs his throat for a good ol’-fashioned choke, but Gordon tells him to stop trying to kill his murder suspect, please. Batman continues thinking: “I made a promise to my parents to protect this city from the evil that took their lives. If I am to succeed, I must be willing to deal out – the punishment.”

Ah yes. The Punishment.

Tough titties, Batman. You don’t get to deal out The Punishment right now. Gordon slaps a pair of cuffs on this shrewd asshole and reads him his rights. All like “you have the right to remain Sexy”, for example.

Then we get a nice glimpse of Alberto’s completely not-at-all-ugly-whatsoever mugshot.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Frank Sinatra, you ain’t.

HOLIDAY KILLER CAUGHT! Nothing to see here, ladies and gentlemen! Show’s over! He faked his own death to throw everyone off the scent! A real twisted display of murderous genius! Then he continued to kill other members of his family! His father’s “enemies”. Then Maroni himself! All this to win over daddy’s affection? Most assuredly! And ah, it makes sense that he killed the city coroner! He knew the wrong body was in Alberto’s grave! Sneaky, sneaky!

Carmine pays his son a visit in the clink. They hug and fondle and kiss and tongue. “All the clues were there,” Gordon says as they watch the security camera. “Why couldn’t we stop him sooner?”

And Batman, god bless him, he just goes “IT’S MY FAULT, WAAAHHHH!” and frowns both internally and externally. He thought it was Harvey Dent the whole time!

“But… Alberto could not have done this alone. His father had to have known it was not his son in that grave,” Batman thinks as Alberto and Carmine continue caressing and smooching. “You need anything?” Carmine fawns. “I can get you a pair of those eyeglasses like you like. The purple ones.”

Alberto, now looking like Woody Allen, is like “no thanks pops”.

Carmine can get him out of the slammer. The joint. “You plead guilty to killing Maroni. And only Maroni,” he whispers. “And I can fix that. Only if you let all this other nonsense about ‘Holiday’ go.”

Well, sir, now, I tell ya, this really riles that lad up. Nonsense??? It’s not nonsense! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHEN HIS BIRTHDAY IS, DAD? RRAAWWWRRRR!! “It’s February 14th. Valentine’s Day. Not that you would know. Since you had business to attend to. Every. Single. Year.”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Maybe because you give us all the fuckin’ creeps?

“You thought that Gotham City was synonymous with organized crime,” Alberto continues. “But Gotham City has changed. It doesn’t want your kind anymore.” Then he gives Dad the ol’ LOOK AT ME, I’M THE CITY’S LUMINOUS FUTURE!

Gordon watches this display with furrowed-brow disgruntlement. Batman is so disgusted he has to look away. Carmine Falcone, this cat definitely knew.

Halloween Night. One year has passed, and my, my, my, wasn’t that fast?! Gilda passes out candy to all the good little boys and girls. And Jim Gordon! He stops by sans costume with his clown-garbed baby boy. Barbara and Gilda give each other a hug and Gilda lets the Gordons into her humble, Harvey-less kitchen.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Who, Rock Hudson? You’re not his type, lady.

Gilda bemoans the squealing, Halloween-starved children coming up to her door. Too many superheroes and ghosts and not enough My Husband Harvey Dent! Boo hoo hoo… “Where is my husband? Is he even alive? Where is my Harvey…?”

In Arkham Asylum, Mr. Calendar Man silently watches a man flip a coin in his hand over and over again. He approaches Calendar’s glass cell, which has a newspaper clipping reading the headline “HOLIDAY KILLER SENTENCED TO DIE”.

Then the coin-flipping man says “sorry” and walks away…

At the Roman’s Penthouse, Our Favorite Carmine is breaking shit all over the place! All ARRRGHHH, HOW COULD MY OWN FLESH AND BLOOD DO THIS TO ME??! Then he cries because his son is going to get the death penalty. This is called conflicted feelings and it’s supposed to humanize Carmine to the reader, but it doesn’t work because he’s a poorly-drawn cartoon character.

Suddenly… outside of Carmine’s penthouse, laughing gas seeps into the hallways and kills everyone with fits of the giggles! Carmine and Sofia run out to the hallways to find all their guardsmen dead. “This is bad. Bad. Very bad.” Carmine kicks open the door to his office and finds every villain in there all at once! “Trick or Treat,” Joker says smilingly!

Carmine’s about to get thoroughly rectally wrecked.

“What is this?” Carmine frowns.

“What needs to be done,” says a shadowed figure amongst your Poison Ivys and your Catwomans and your Scarecrows.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Carmine asks, drawing his pistol.

“How much longer did you think I would let the Falcone family tear Gotham City in half? Splitting this city between good – and evil?”

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Lookin’ good, Double-Face!

Of course, Harvey Dent is revealed to be the grotesque monster we all hoped he’d be! He has a gun trained on Carmine with his evil hand. “Nice gun. Light. .22 caliber. The perfect weapon to kill you with.” And then Carmine says he’d rather burn the city down than turn it over to some freak.

A flash bomb breaks through a window and lands in the room. Catwoman gives a “mrrow…?” before everyone is blinded by science. In comes Buff Batman with so many shadows on his face that I can’t tell if he’s grinning, frowning, or eating feces. He starts punching bitches with reckless abandon. Solomon Grundy. The Joker. Poison Ivy. The Penguin. Mad Hatter. Scarecrow.

…Catwoman? Has he lost an ally because he wouldn’t fuck her? “Whose side are you one?” he growls. “The same side I’m always on…” she purrs.

“Again. And again,” Dent says as he holds Carmine with one arm and aims a gun at his head with the other. “The courts will send them back to prison or Arkham. They will escape. And we will have the same problem. Again. And again.”

Batman finally recognizes this acid-faced dipwad who now calls himself Two-Face. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? “If you pull that trigger, how are you different from The Roman?” Batman asks, trying to talk some sense into an insane person for the millionth time and getting the same result (they call that “politics”). Two-Face tells him that the system doesn’t work that way; justice is determined with the flip of a coin, it all seems.

Then he shoots Carmine twice in the head. Bye Bye Roman.

Sofia runs into the room all livid and Catwoman restrains her with her little lasso ropes. “It’s finished. What’s done is done.”

Then Sofia stumbles backwards through a window and down the building to her death while Catwoman goes “oh, wait, nooooo”.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Let’s try to handle this rationally like one-faced men.

Batman continues to try to talk some sense into Two-Face. Think of Gotham! You got married here! You’re trying to start a family here! What about that sweet piece of ass, Gilda? What about Gilda? Huh? Gilda? Sweet piece of ass? Is anyone listening?

Two-Face ain’t takin’ the bait. Now he’s going to go to his assistant Vernon to shoot some bullets into his nerd noggin’. “Somebody gave Maroni the acid to throw in Dent’s face,” Two-Face says, pointing his little pistol. “You believe in the justice system, don’t you, Vernon?”

There are two sides: innocent or guilty. Two sides. Like this coin. *flip* Hey would you look at that? *shoots nerd to death, leaving him facedown in a pool of his own blood and glasses*

Batman later confronts Two-Face again on the police station roof after both murders and asks a meek “why”?

“I did what needed to be done,” Two-Face insists.

“You’ll never convince me of that,” Batman gripes.

Jim Gordon pops onto the roof and goes “oh dear”.

“There won’t be any judges to be bribed. No witnesses who will disappear. The Roman is dead. And I killed him. The Long Halloween is over.”

Batman says that they’ll get Harvey’s help, and Two-Face scoffs at this. Batman and Gordon will be the ones who will need help from now on.

Batman: The Long Halloween, Issue #13

Especially Santa Claus!

Two-Face holds out his wrists and asks Gordon to arrest him. “We’ll see how the law and order handle Harvey Dent…” he says smugly. Then he drops the bombshell that there were two Holiday killers, which is news to both Batman (without mustache) and Jim Gordon (with mustache). Although, because Harvey Dent seems to be obsessed with the Number 2 now (as in poop, definitely), they’ll never know for sure if he’s serious. “Alberto Falcone confessed to all of the Holiday killings. He’s going to the gas chamber!”

“Was it worth it?” Batman asks.

“Hmm…?”

“The promise that we made to bring down the Roman. What it cost us. Harvey…”

“If you’re asking me ‘did the good guys win?’ Yes. The good guys won, Batman. But I won’t know if it was worth it for a very long time…”

At the home of the Gordons, Jimmy Jammy Jimbo cradles his son in his arms. Barbara had heard on the police scanner that David Schwimmer was running around Central Park naked. Also, that they arrested Harvey Dent. She apologizes, but Gordon says it’s all but a day in the life of a Gotham Police Captain.

Batman continues to try to keep his promise to his dead parents that he will rid the city of evil once and for all. Good fucking luck.

A month later, in Arkham Asylum, the Calendar Man and Holiday rattle names of holidays are each other like they’re both the de facto experts on holidays now.

A month after that, on Christmas Eve, we see Two-Face harnessed to a chair in his own padded cell. “Gilda…” he says. Gilda is at home packing boxes. The home is no longer theirs, too many memories. She monologues like a motherfucker.

“Harvey. I did what needed to be done… Do you remember, you promised? We would finally have time together. When you didn’t have so much work to do. I read your case files. About taking serial numbers off guns and… and how a baby bottle nipple would muffle the sound. How clues are left at murder scenes.” She burns evidence in her furnace. “And I thought if I did that, Batman would think it was someone extraordinary and not me. I used your hat and coat for a disguise and left those… things at the killings. Johnny Viti was the first. Then, again, on Thanksgiving, I left the hospital while you slept. And again, on Christmas. But when Alberto Falcone was shot on New Year’s. And you came home late that night. Your hair was wet even though you were wearing a hat. A hat… I found the gun in the basement. You told me it was evidence. But, I knew. You had the same idea as me. You picked up where I left off. So we could have time together. A child. A secret. Let them think it was Alberto. No one will ever find out… because they don’t have you to help. You are my Apollo. You can do no wrong.”

“I believe in Harvey Dent.”

Final Thoughts

Gilda Dent is kind of a baller! Good for her.

This was the fantastic limited series I was hoping for! Now I can move on, accidentally trudging through some awful shit again before I stumble upon something good! See you next time!


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Black Science, Issue #1

* Part 1 of 6 of the How to Fall Forever storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Black Science, Issue #1!

I know nothing about this series and I’m going in blind on purpose. I saw the word “anarchists” somewhere and I’ve already been spoilered!

No more ado! Let’s jump right in!

Black Science, Issue #1 [November, 2013]
Written by: Rick Remender

Black Science, Issue #1

“It wasn’t until I met everyone else’s measure of success that I realized I’d failed myself. More importantly — I failed you, Sara.”

There is some sort of cosmic blast. Two figures in Metroid Samus Aran suits are running away from it. The narrator does the whole Butterfly Effect thing. Each little choice can alter the course of the future. One suited-up mofo, Grant, trips over a branch like a real damsel in distress. The other suited-up mofo, I assume, is Sara. The woman whom Grant failed. I’m paying attention so far!

There’s a universe, or an alternate dimension, where Grant didn’t fail her. Where he didn’t obsess over “forbidden science”.

The two are running away from dinosaurs! Honest-to-god dinosaurs! Or maybe metal dinosaurs? Hard to tell. Some real Jurassic Park shit going on already. SCIENCE!

The duo run up to a dead end – the edge of a tall cliff. “Jesus, what do we do, Grant?!” Sara yells as purple lightning streaks through the air and weird, giant tortoises roam the waters. Grant suggests turning around and “facing them”, which sounds like a dumbass plan to me. Grant’s an idiot, I can already tell.

Sara suggests jumping, which is a much more sound plan. Her name is actually Jen. Jen suggests jumping. You have to keep up with me in real time, here.

“Will Shawn know?” says the Grant-like narration. “Will he remember what happens if the pillar doesn’t get coolant?”

THE PILLAR NEEDS COOLANT! RULE #1 OR IT’S DEATH AND DESTRUCTION AND OVERHEATING PILLARS!

Grant tells Jen that the pillar has not been prepped with coolant! The pillar needs fresh water! Shawn might use swamp water, and that’s a damned no-no! Or else it will explode! As pillars do sometimes! And this means people will die. And that’s never good unless you want people to die. Depends on which side of the fence you’re on with that situation.

Jen dies gruesomely. Something rock-like flies through the side of her helmet. “Her face disappears. A mist of red, frozen in time.”

“Because I ignored Ward.”

They sure are throwing a lot of names at me all at once. Like I’m smart enough to remember… four people.

Black Science, Issue #1

Aww, cute, it said “rhaikiki”! ^__^

A yellow reptilian jerk with a club rides a dinosaur like a horse. Grant is so startled by its sudden appearance that he jumps backward off the cliff. Which sucks butts, because Grant needs to be back in ten minutes or his children will be dead. Dead like the rest of Grant’s team. See, Grant is such a fuck-up that he got everyone killed. No Heaven for you, involuntary manslaughterer.

And it’s all because he delved back into…

BLACK SCIENCE!!!

*Family Matters intro theme*

Grant falls, falls, falls into the water below. He looks upon a tall pyramid (Aztec-like, not Egyptian-like) with a pedestal that glows purplish-red, taking in the energy of the creepy lightning. He is surrounded by yellow reptilian jerks with clubs. They narrowly miss Grant with a face-destroying rock. He runs away, continuing to narrate like a complete sad-sack.

Sara is Grant’s wife. Grant has children. Grant deserves what is happening to him. His family does not. We don’t know that for sure, yet! What if his children are little arsonists? What if Sara committed genocide? We simply don’t know the facts!

Grant swims away as rocks pelt the water. There’s still time for him to make it right. To make all this go away. To cook a nice Stouffer’s dinner and watch COPS.

Grant breaches the surface about 45 minutes later and sees a big stone frog statue with a not-stone frogs guarding it. The frog has a spear. “RIBBIT” it is heard to say. “Keep running,” Grant thinks. Good idea.

Black Science, Issue #1

All Hail the Frog God!

Running away. That’s what Grant always does when things get too hard. Too much time sequestered in his lab. “And when it was too much – there was Rebecca.”

Grant checks his fancy holowatch. Five minutes to go. Eek!

The Anarchist League of Scientists was all Grant’s idea. “There is no authority but yourself” was the only rule. The second rule of ALS is don’t talk about ALS. Especially around Lou Gerhig.

Grant goes into some sort of cave, where he discovers more Froggies. They wear medallions and furry scarf-like neck ornaments. Grant sees doors that lead to some sort of temple where the pillar is housed. He holds his hands up and tries to walk past the leering frogs, but they start firing bolts of electricity at him. It ain’t pretty.

“Vision goes upside-down. Thermal burns. Heart in atrial fibrillation.” Pooped pants, too.

Grant musters enough energy to tackle a frog. “THIS IS MY CHILDREN’S LIVES!” he screams. Then the carnage continues – ripping off frog heads, sending a message to the other frogs. The other frogs back down like Ron DeSantis.

He continues to mull over what led him to this point. Why he did what he did. What he wanted to say to the world. What he wanted to leave behind. The key to saving mankind? Ha! Is that worth fucking up with your family? Hardly! Maybe?

Grant sneaks up to a room with a large dining table, filled with food and candles and a scantily-clad fish table dancer. The attending frogs are popping froggy boners while they sexually harass and torture her. “A cat toying with its food.” Grant has no sympathy – those fish monsters killed Jen! Remember? From five minutes ago?

OK, so Grant gathers some sympathy. He misses his daughter, and surely this fish woman is someone’s daughter too? Grant bursts into the room, grabs the fishy woman, and books it before the frogs can react. “I won’t stand for that sort of autocrat bullshit – not in any dimension.”

Grant busts out of a window and lands in the water. Fresh water! Perfect for the pillar! And–

Again with the fish monsters? Grant is surrounded. One recognizes the fish lady. Its wife. They kiss grossily. Frogs have arrived. More fighting.

Black Science, Issue #1

Yeah, ok, that’s enough science for me today.

The fish husband, grateful for the return of the fish wife, defends Grant and allows him to run off to safety. “60 seconds before my invention evaporates them all – lungs won’t take air – years of weed, stress, and inactivity –”

Grant has a team waiting for him to return from whence he came. Kadir, Rebecca, Shawn, Ward, all our favorites. If the pillar jumps before Grant gets back, his kids will die. Don’t you know that by now??

Miraculously, because he had fresh water, Grant returns! But where’s Jen? Did you fuck her and leave for dead again, Grant, you sly dog?

It is revealed that a smashed control panel further prevented Grant from coming back with assistance. Sabotage? Grant’s kids are there, Pia and Nathan. He tells them that Jen is dead. *slicing motion across throat* As a doornail, kiddo.

One second left on the timer. Grant grabs his kids. “We’re going home.”

A brilliant flash from the pillar sends everyone… to a World War I bunker littered with dead soldiers. “WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!” yells Shawn. Grant chides the doofus for not setting the homing frequency. We all have a good chuckle.

Wait, Shawn did set the homing frequency?! Then what happened?? Kadir, clearly the boss of the group, calls them all incompetent.

Grant’s dumbass son asks if they’re home.

“No, son…” he says as a giant space warship floats above them, blasting futuristic soldiers left and right.” “Far from it.”

Black Science, Issue #1

Whoops, lol! Shoulda taken a left turn at Albuquerque!

Final Thoughts

I’m somewhat intrigued, but I’m not bowled over. I don’t care much for fish and frog monsters, to be brutally honest with you, dear reader. If this is comic that I’m getting into, then, sir or ma’am, I’m in for an uneven ride.

The art’s a little muddy, too. I like cartooniness! That’s something I’ll need to get used to.

All in all, we’ll see.


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Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #585

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Archie (Vol. 1), Issue #585!

Archie (Vol. 1) , Issue #585 [July, 2008]

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

”A Yelp for Help!” – George Gladir

George Gladir was 700 years old in 2008 and I heard they strapped him to a chair and forced him to keep pumping out Archie Comics in order to appease the other 700-year-olds who still read this trash.

Anyway, onward to the trash! Betty, Archie, and Jughead are in the middle of bumper-to-bumper traffic on their way to the Holocaust Denier Museum. Betty’s driving. Jughead’s in a car seat in the back and he’s fidgety. Betty wonders why there are no good part-time jobs in town. Archie says there are! They’re all taken up by angry commuters and over-scheduled teens who hate working and need a break! And what can these three young whipper-snappers do to help these poor, unfortunately souls? “We could help them with their neglected chores!”

Oh boy, an issue about cleaning houses. George Gladir, you’ve done it again!

Jughead is skeptical, as usual. That sounds like work, and work fucking sucks. But then they pass by a billboard advertising the heart attack-causing Super Colossal Burger for $6.45. And since Jughead is absolutely impoverished as all get-out, a job suddenly sounds pretty attractive right now.

And lo’, “Go-For Guys ‘n’ Gals” is born, the worst name for a teenage cleaning company I’ve ever heard. Who the FUCK came up with that? Some loser characters that have been around since 1939?

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

Butthole waxing is a steal! Get ‘em while they’re hot!

Veronica catches wind of this sad little enterprise and asks Betty to return a pile of department store items. She has a date coming up and she can’t be bothered to waste time going to store. In person. With people in it walking around. Blech! *spits*

Of course, when Betty gets to the store the Customer Service line is basically out the door. Meanwhile, the date that Veronica has coming up is with Archie, and he forgot, and he has to abandon his “Go-For Guys ‘n’ Gals ‘n’ Dogs ‘n’ Blimps” gig. But wait, argghh, he’s in the middle of a job he’s doing for Dilton, that little creep. “He wants me talk Lisa into going to the prom with him!”

Don’t be such a pussy, Dilton.

Archie finds Lisa playing tennis in the park. This is going to be a snap! “…I hope it doesn’t take too long to point out all of Dilton’s good points!” he thinks. Trust me, Archibald. It’ll take you 15 seconds.

Betty notices that there’s a huge sale going on at the store. Capital! She brought her laptop; she can post on RIVERDALE-STORE-DEALS.COM and let the whole town know that shitty knock-off designer purses are 60% off. Good going, Betty. You’re a woman of the people.

Veronica, who is playing tennis with Lisa, calls Dilton a dweeb, and I’m inclined to agree. Ronnie’s all mad that Archie canceled their date in order to sell Lisa on shitty Dilton, and Archie gets nervous. Tremble lines surround him, that’s how dang nervous he is!

It’s not without good reason.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

You go, Ronnie! Show him who whacks the ass in this relationship!

Veronica chases Archie around the court while Lisa’s friends talk about how Archie is making pitches for prom dates. They want in on it too! Maybe Jeff with the 9” penis has no date yet! Archie’s got his work cut out for him now, boy howdy.

We switch gears over to Jughead, who is wearing the ugliest motherfucking shirt. A black button-down with a yellow collar and a pattern of giant, gaudy yellow stars. Someone should throw Jughead into a woodchipper. He is stuck with the bitch work: cleaning up poop at the local dog park. Can’t eat that, Jughead. Don’t even try it.

Why, Jughead’s so mad that he storms out of their little makeshift shed of an office and attempts to procure himself a Super Colossal Burger. $6.45! But the wretch only has seventeen cents on him. Looks like it’s time for some poopin’ scoopin’.

While at the dog park, a beefy kid is all like “HEY, YOU’RE THE KID WHO LIVES ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME! YOUR DOG IS LOUD ALL THE TIME! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU BY LETTING MY DOG CHOMP ON YOUR BONES!” and then Jughead runs away fast like a scared loser in a terrible goomba shirt.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

Please take my dog off my hands, Jughead! Momma needs her wine-drivin’ time!

This act of cowardice results in a lucrative opportunity! Think of all the Super Colossal Burgers you can buy with… $12.90! Oh boy!

Everyone’s having a good time doing their menial tasks and making their chump change, except a problem has arisen: no one has any time for themselves anymore. Betty just got requested to check out all the garage sales in town and keep everyone posted on sweet-ass bargains, but Betty wants to play Red Dead Redemption. Reggie is going to pay Archie to tell his own prom day how lucky she is to be going out with the Reg-ster and possibly get boned without consent later that night. Jughead is walking so many dogs that his bowels have been emptied of hamburgers. Everyone is miserable.

“Archie! Our personal aide business is just too good!” Betty cries, waving around papers in a way that symbolizes how successful they are. “We’re being overworked and overstressed! We have no time to enjoy all the money we’re making!”

OK, dude, you’ve been working for three hours. Come and see me when your fingers are whittled down to the bone, you lazy kids.

Archie’s got a top-notch solution. They’ll hire their own aides! Ha ha ha ha haaaa!!!

Oh, that’s the end? All right then.

”Par for the Course” – Bill Golliher

Mr. Lodge invites a rich fuck named J.B. over for a schmancy dinner in order to become better acquainted. This is, of course, a business dinner. These two aren’t really friends. They probably hate each other and wish nothing but a slow death. For themselves.

Someone yells “FORE!” and J.B. gets smacked in the side of the head with a golf ball, rendering him braindead and comatose. “Did anyone see my golf ball?” asks Archie, making an appearance at the scene of the crime. A comeuppance is nigh.

It’s not only a golf ball, but it’s Archie’s lucky golf ball! You know, because it has a picture of a four-leaf clover on it or something? “Veronica!” says Mr. Lodge when Veronica descends the staircase. “What is Archie still doing here?!” Archie isn’t allowed around the house anymore ever since he took a big poop in the fountain seventeen times in one weekend. “She said I could stay for dinner!” Archie says, smiling, not reading the room.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

Don’t embarrass me in front of the fat businessman, Archie! Or it’ll be the pillary for you yet again!

J.B. thinks this is a wonderful idea! The more the merrier! Come, son, let’s indulge in boiled squid as guests of honor! They can talk about J.B. golf course enterprise, his life’s work! Why, he and Mr. Lodge are going to join forces and rework one together! Expand it, even! Just clear out thousands of square miles of ancient Native America burial grounds and natural endangered ocelot habits.

This happy guy invites everyone to visit the course. Archie, Veronica, even Veronica’s mom who I didn’t even know wasn’t killed by a runaway hot dog cart. “Oh dear, I’ll have to buy a golfing outfit!” Mrs. Lodge says, not realizing that the plan to go NOW so get moving.

Oh, it’s the next morning. Well, Mrs. Lodge has her golfing outfit (yellow t-shirt) and she, Mr. Lodge, and J.B. are all waiting for the kids to arrive. And, when they least suspect it, Archie and Veronica barrel down the grass at 500 miles per hour, running over J.B.’s foot in the process. Then he whacks clods of dirt in J.B.’s face while trying to tee off.

Then he fucking caves J.B.’s head in with his golf club.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

Sorry, sir! I slathered Vaseline on my hands today!

J.B. takes the abuse in stride instead of calling the police. “ARRRCHIE!” Mr. Lodge screams, grabbing Archie by the scruff. “You’ve abused my new business partner for the last time!!”

I’d bet against that, my good man. There are limitless opportunities to abuse your business partner: a golf flag up the bum, a face full of sand trap, inhalation of spicy club food into the lungs. But Archie takes the hint and skedaddles on out of there. “As a matter of fact, Veronica – I forbid you to ever date that klutz again!” Mr. Lodge gesticulates at his hapless daughter, whose only crime was falling in love with the biggest moron in Riverdale.

J.B.’s eyes light up! This is a grand opportunity to set Veronica up with his son! And Mr. Lodge loves this idea. A symbolic way to close this business deal! He rubs his hands devilishly.

“As a matter of fact,” J.B. smiles, “Archie reminds me an awful lot of my son! I guess that’s why I took such an interest in him!”

“EEP! The deal is off!”

Oh Mr. Lodge, you card you.

”Lucklorn” – Craig Boldman

Archie laments his lack of luck in life. Jughead thinks this is hogwash! Literally! He says this about it: “Hogwash!”

“A guy makes his own kind of luck! It comes from deeds and actions!” Jughead argues as he thinks about eating hot dogs, probably. Immediately after disparaging luck, Jughead finds a quarter on the ground. But he still believes that luck isn’t real, just like God and the Bible.

Then he finds a dollar on the ground.

Archie (Vol. 1), Issue 585

Whup, there it is!

Luck still doesn’t exist, though. Get it out of your head.

Betty arrives on the scene. “Archie, you looks annoyed!”

“I am, kinda sorta! It’s this character!” Archie points an accusing finger at the Head of Jugs. “If he’s going to have a run of good luck, he should at least admit it!!”

Betty is also of the opinion that this so-called “luck” is a pile of horse hockey.

Then Jughead finds a $5 bill on the ground.

Archie is beside himself with furious manslaughter levels of anger. He hoots and hollers and kicks the dirt and causes a lot of concern in his friends. Jughead has an idea: drop a load of money on the sidewalk and let him find it. Then his bitch-ass will stop whining.

Archie continues to literally cry while Jughead and Betty scheme to have their friend find a measly $1. And after Jughead convinces him to walk in front of him now, Archie gets a burst of pep! “One side, Forsythe!” he says, pushing Juggy out of the way. “I’ll lead this parade for a while!”

And lo’, he finds the $1 that Betty planted not 10 seconds ago! Woo hoo! Luck be a lady tonight, dorks! Archie is raking it in!

Then Jughead becomes the 1000th person to walk by the WRIV Prize Van parked on the street. He is greeted with a hearty congratulations from a large group that awards him cash, clothes, concert tickets, games, videos, and a trip to Hawaii.

Meanwhile, Archie rolls up the dollar and jerks off with it.

Final Thoughts

Our dear Archibald is going to chip a tooth on $1 worth of penny candy and then fall down an open manhole while Jughead bones five ladies at once.

But luck isn’t real.


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Léon: The Professional (1994)

Tagline:
If you want the job done right, hire a professional.

Wide Release Date:
September 14, 1994

Directed by:
Luc Besson
Written by:
Luc Besson
Produced by:
Patrice Ledoux

Starring:
Jean Reno
Gary Oldman
Natalie Portman
Danny Aiello

Léon: The Professional

PREGAME THOUGHTS

I’ve only watched this movie once, but I loved it. Jean Reno was great. Natalie Portman was great. Gary Oldman was grrreeeaatt. I like that Léon drinks nothing but milk. I like Mathilda’s haircut. I like the faces and contortions of Stan when he bites down on that pill. I like the plant that Léon carries everywhere. Just a fantastic fucking movie all around. I can’t wait to watch it again.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Léon (Jean Reno) is a professional. Does that mean, like a lawyer or a dentist? Almost! He’s a hitman, and he’s really good at it for the sole reason that he hasn’t died yet. He works for Old Tony (Danny Aiello) of the Italian Mafia. He lives in an apartment down the hall from a 12-year-old girl named Mathilda (Natalie Portman) and her shitty family. Mathilda’s father has been storing cocaine for corrupt DEA agents and there’s a brick missing. The next day at noon, while Mathilda is out shopping for groceries, the DEA storms the apartment and DEA agent Norman Stansfield (Gary Oldman) guns down his whole family with a shotgun (including Mathilda’s 4-year-old brother) before searching the apartment for the missing brick. Mathilda returns from shopping and, seeing the damage at the apartment’s front entrance, passes right by to enter Léon’s apartment. He takes her in somewhat reluctantly.

Léon the Professional

Oink oink, little lady! Welcome to Casa de Léon!

After a fashion, Léon gets cornered into agreeing to Mathilda’s wishes to care for her and to teach her everything he knows about being a “cleaner”. She, in return, does chores, gets groceries, and even teaches Léon how to read (which he does in about two days). They check into a hotel until the coast is clear at the apartment building. Mathilda learns how to snipe and to clean guns. She develops a crush on Léon and declares her love for him, but since he isn’t a creep he doesn’t buy into this childish nonsense.

Eventually, after feeling like she’s ready, and behind Léon’s back, Mathilda grabs a bag of guns, leaves a note for Léon, and heads over to the DEA office with the intention to kill Stansfield. It doesn’t work very well; Stansfield corners her in the bathroom and scares the living daylights out of her. Stansfield only leaves when he hears that one of his men was killed in Chinatown. And when two more of Stansfield’s men die at the hands of Léon while he rescues Mathilda, Stansfield’s out for fucking blood. He tortures Old Tony into giving up Léon’s whereabouts.

Léon the Professional

Ok, we got our eyes on Anakin Skywalker. Snipe that fucker before it’s too late.

Léon and Mathilda are back at the apartment, but Stansfield has hired a mercenary team to infiltrate and take Léon in. Léon helps Mathilda escape while deftly avoiding death himself. When the mercenaries blow up the apartment, the injured Léon is able to dress as a mercenary and sneak downstairs unrecognized by everyone (EVERYONE!!!)… except Stansfield. Stansfield catches up with Léon in the parking garage and shoots him in the back. As he lies dying, Léon gives Stansfield a grenade pin and reveals a belt of explosives strapped to his waist. A gift from Mathilda. Kablooie.

Léon had left his money to Old Tony with instructions to give it to Mathilda if something happens. He refuses to hire Mathilda as a hitman when she asks, but he does agree to give the money to her in installments as she grows older. Mathilda returns to school. She plants Léon’s houseplant in the field outside.

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — General Movie Thoughts

The only other time I watched (and enjoyed) this movie, I spent most of the time extraordinarily preoccupied with the unwanted scenario of even a hint of Léon and Mathilda engaging in a romantic relationship. Let me get that out of the way right now. If there was any indication that something inappropriate was going to happen I would’ve lost my fucking shit.

Luckily, it’s entirely one-sided on Mathilda’s part, and it’s entirely misplaced. She’s a 12-year-old who got rescued by her hero, and she’s likely confusing romantic love with platonic father-daughter-type love. Presumably, she never experienced this kind of love with her own shitty father. It does make sense, although there are a couple of scenes that skirt to line too close for comfort, such as Mathilda singing to Léon à la Marilyn Monroe to JFK. Or when she lies on the bed and professes her love to him, which is reacted promptly by Léon spitting out his milk. That is the correct response!

Léon the Professional

Those other 7th Graders won’t mess with me anymore!

I learned through the IMDb Trivia section, as you will see later, that there actually were some more suggestive scenes in the original script, so fuck Luc Besson forever. Terrible.

Anyway, once I let my guard down that the movie wasn’t going to turn into Pedophile Hour, I was very pleased with it. Portman’s acting debut as the street smart Mathilda was an incredible performance, showing that she can be both be precocious and emotionally devastated. Jean Reno made a very plausibly masterful, if not possibly a little bit mentally stunted, hitman. It’s very endearing movie despite it’s graphic subject matter. I can’t think of many other movies that shows both a girl dancing like Charlie Chaplin and a woman in a bathtub getting blown the fuck away by a shotgun.

TOPIC 2 — Gary Oldman’s Performance

My favorite moment in the entire movie is when Stan bites down on that pill for the first time. I had to re-watch it few times just to get everything I could out of it. The grunts, the faces, the body contortions. I’m getting all sweaty and red just thinking about it! I tried to imitate it once and I hurt my back for a couple of hours. And when it comes to hurt backs, I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THAT MICKEY MOUSE BULLSHIT.

Léon the Professional

Give me some of that sweet, sweet benzodiazepine!

I’ve only seen, like, four movies in my lifetime, but Gary Oldman as Norman Stansfield is my favorite movie villain that I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching, and I’ve seen both The Dark Knight and A Goofy Movie. Man, what a performance. Reportedly, the scene in the DEA building bathroom shows Natalie Portman’s real reactions to Oldman’s acting. He scared the shit out of her and he used it! Per Portman, “Working with Gary Oldman was probably the easiest acting experience of my life… I don’t think I had to act at all in that scene.”

He should’ve won an award for that. I think everyone would agree. EVERYONE!!!

Léon the Professional

You’re such a pretty little girl… can I feast upon your skin?

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

According to Jean Reno, he decided to play Léon as if he were “a little mentally slow” and emotionally repressed. He felt that this would make audiences relax and realize that he wasn’t someone who would take advantage of a vulnerable young girl. Reno claims that for Léon, the possibility of a physical relationship with Mathilda is not even conceivable.
Yeah, and thank fucking God, dude. The unbelievable potential of this movie to get super fucking creepy is avoided (against all odds and initial plans) and I’m forever grateful for it. I already addressed that above, but it bears repeating.

Natalie Portman beat out 2000 other actresses for the role of Mathilda.
As in, it was a fist fight to the death. This is how Heather O’Rourke actually died!

According to Luc Besson, the role of Léon was always intended for Jean Reno and no one else. However, according to the Fact Track on the Deluxe Edition DVD, both Mel Gibson and Keanu Reeves were extremely interested in the role.
Yuck, Mel Gibson? Do you know how much anti-Semitism would have been prevalent on set with Israeli-born Natalie Portman? He would’ve pushed for Léon draping a Nazi flag over his shoulders during every milk-drinking scene.

Léon the Professional

Take this phone and order me a pepperoni pizza before I slice your throat.

In the original script, Léon accidentally walks in on Mathilda when she is in the bathroom. As Léon opens the door, Mathilda is naked and is brushing her hair. He takes a towel and gives it to her.
Fuck you, Luc Besson.

When the film was first tested in Los Angeles, California, USA, the version that was screened included a short scene where Mathilda asks Léon to be her lover. However, the audience became extremely uncomfortable and began to laugh nervously, completely destroying the tone of the film.
Fuck you, Luc Besson.

In the original script for the film, Léon, and Mathilda – who was written as a 13/14 year old – actually become lovers and have sex. These are the lines: “She stands up and modestly gets off her briefs without taking off her dress. Léon cries, unable to oppose her. Mathilda is too young, but she’s also too beautiful and lovely and sweet and tender… She sweetly, very sweetly, gets on him… Léon embraces her. He’s full of happiness, shame, so many emotions, he can’t control very well. But, hell, how beautiful it is seeing them sweetly making love.”
OK, that’s it, I’m done. Atrocious.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

Yes, watch this movie. The story is great. Everyone in it is fantastic. Stellar debut performance from Natalie Portman. Gary Oldman’s best role even though I’ve only seen him in roughly three roles.

Just watch the fucking movie.


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Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46 – “Afterwards…

* Part 1 of 8 of the Cats & Kings storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46 – “Afterwards…”! Back yet again with ANOTHER Spider-Man adventure. That Peter Parker just won’t quit. In the previous storyline, a Latverian transfer student named Geldoff blows up cars with his magic powers for fun because he’s a mutant, and that shit ain’t cool. Spider-Man tries to intervene and teach Geldoff about responsibility, Uncle Ben-style; telling him to slow his roll and use his powers for good. But then the X-Men show up and whisk Geldoff away to their Academy for Freaks and Misfits.

Also, Aunt May has a lengthy therapy session where she talks about everybody around her in her life dying. Maybe she should stop being a natural death magnet? Therapy won’t help that, May. Try one of those holistic healers who can reverse the polarity with bat guano and secret herbs and spices.

Anyway, this is my favorite comic book series by far. Let’s dip back in and see what’s in store for the little dumbass Peter Parker.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46 [November, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Afterwards…”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

Two months ago. A woman named Sharon Carter, Agent 13 of S.H.I.E.L.D., sits in a dark room with her hand on a glowing yellow circle. Possibly a lie detector of sorts? Or maybe it’s just comfortable and warm like a ring of piss. “I hate this,” she grumbles. She looks haggard and disheveled.

She’s Agent Carter. She’s been with S.H.I.E.L.D. for about six years. She answers directly to Nick Fury, bald eyepatch extraordinaire. Or at least she used to. She deals with public disturbances related to mutant entities and phenomena. Unnatural mutations, meaning self-inflicted mutations. As in, did it on purpose. As in, perhaps, injecting some shit into your neck over and over again, for one thing.

Just last night she had to travel to New Jersey for an incident involving Doc Ock, who was tearing shit up and throwing cars around with his slimy metal octopus arms.

“You can read the files on Octavius. But at this point he was officially an escaped, violent, illegal genetic mutation. S.H.I.E.L.D. was on his trail immediately!” Carter relays. But he was a slippery one, successfully hiding until he damn well wanted to be seen! S.H.I.E.L.D. (which is fucking annoying to write out) was supposed to bring this mollusk in quietly, but he goes and calls a press conference with live network coverage and a big, public showdown with a spider boy. Another illegal genetic mutation. It’s all very irritating. Lots of paperwork. Nick Fury is keeping an EYE on everything, lmao

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

Hey, at least it makes for some exciting TV!

Carter describes her disposition as “fermished”, which is apparently a Yiddish word meaning “all fucking fucked up”. From her armored van, she had witnessed the fight. It was an absolute disaster that this was happening. Just some real bogus stuff. The press is there. A huge audience. Carter is totally verklempt.

“Uh, Agent Carter…? Fury is on the line,” says a member of her tactical team.

“Tell him I’m already in the field.”

“She’s already – uh, yes sir. He says he’s watching it on TV and unless that’s you in the Spider-Man costume you better get on the phone.”

By the time S.H.I.E.L.D. got there, the fight was over. Doc Ock was KO’d and Spider-Man was mugging for the cameras. Now the police were on the scene. And EMS. More fucking people, man. Real meshuggah.

Once they make it to the area, Carter and her team try to pick up the pieces. They tell the local police to vamoose, but then a reporter barges into the conversation and asks if she’s FBI. What she’s going to do about Hammer Industries. What she’s going to do about Mr. Octopus Man. Then suddenly, the network “loses the feed”. Ha ha heh heh. Whoops! And etc.

More scoping the area ensues. No sign of mutants. SNAFU big time. “Fury is going to eat our faces,” says Carter’s sidekick, Agent What’sHisName. Who cares. “He’s going to eat my face,” Carter corrects him. “We can’t come back empty-handed.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

Unless there’s children around, of course. This is America, after all.

So the team maneuvers around Hammer Industries huntin’ for mutants. They enter a lab where three dorky scientists are fearfully hunched over a computer. They’re not sure if the coast is clear to, like, step out of the building and get on with their lives.

Carter points a gun at them. They look rather scared. “Who else is in the building?”

“N-no one. We had – everyone took off.”

“Octavius came in here before and really scared the crap out of–”

“Why didn’t you run away?” Carter asks.

“We live here.”
“You live here?”

“I’m not leaving our experiment.”

Whoops, that’s a slip. Carter looks pissed. She turns her head and finds a naked man sitting forlornly in a cell with padded walls and a glass door. “THE HELL IS THIS?” Carter grits her teeth. “What is this man doing locked up like this?”

“That’s–”

“We want our lawyer.”

“But–”

“Shut up, Dwayne.”

Carter knocks on the cell; tries to get the guy’s attention. Carter’s sidekick pulls up a file: the guy’s name is Flint Marko (might as well be Beef Chucksteak). Marko looks up at Carter as she enters the cell. “Flint? What are you doing here? Do you speak English?”

Flint just looks at her silently. Carter’s sidekick desperately tries to get her attention.

Flint stands up. Carter draws her gun.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

Slab Bulkhead! Thick McRunfast! Fist Rockbone! Crud Bonemeal! Big McLargeHuge!

And in a huge dust cloud, Flint flies forward like a bullet and runs out of the cell, trampling Carter on his way out. He floats around on the other side of the room looking like some Pig-Pen-ass genie. Agent What’sHisName (Woo) is down but ok. Some douche on the team named Riggs is down and probably dead or something, I dunno.

Now Carter points her gun at the three nerds. “OKAY, WHAT THE &$#@ WAS THAT??!!” she yells. Obviously. Two question marks and two exclamation points, man. It’s pretty serious.

We see a glimpse of Flint’s file; information that Carter got after the fact. He was sent to Ryker’s Island for fifty years for trying and failing to rob a Brink’s car, going home to beat up his girlfriend, and beating up one of the cops that came to their door (later dying in the hospital from injuries). How he got involved with Hammer Industries is still being investigated, but perhaps money and deals were swiftly involved!

The project’s codeword is “Sandman”. As in, so boring that he makes you sleep. OR, it explains all the dust.

Carter’s team gives chase to the Sandman and runs out of the building where they find Spidey making short work of the creep. He’s doing his famous cartwheels.

“So yes,” Carter relays back in the interrogation room, “that’s when I knew I had lost control of the situation.”

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

My brain eats bullets for breakfast!

Spidey got kicked around good. Carter aims her gun and shoots Sandman square in the forehead. It barely leaves a scratch. Then he sprays a storm of sand in their direction, kinda like that really annoying Pokémon move.

“Hey beach boy, quick question…” Spider-Man bounds back into the scene. “Can you do the math on this?”

He gets sprayed with a firehose, which makes him melt like the dang ol’ witch from The Wizard of Oz. Then Spidey finds MJ in the pile of sand for some reason, I don’t know why. Maybe I’ll learn later. Or not!

Sandman is back with a vengeance! Then, out of nowhere, one of the scientists shoots him with a gun that causes him to disintegrate and stay disintegrated. Probably will last ten minutes, tops. S.H.I.E.L.D. uses this brief respite to arrest the scientists.

Spidey talks to Agent Carter in the aftermath.

“What was that?”
“Sorry, National Security.”

“Whatever. Ecch – I have sand in certain places I’d rather not discuss.”

Spider-Man asks for a ride home, but, even after saving her life, Carter snubs him. He fwips some Spidey webs and swings away.

Epilogue: Back in the interrogation room…

“Uh, can I say something on the record before you wrap this up–”

“If you wish.”

“I just – I just wanted to say that this is a bad idea.”

“What is?”

MONOLOGUE TIME! The short and sweet of it: destroy the mutants. Don’t detain and experiment on them. They’re menaces. Fuck ‘em.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #46

A sexy evenining awaits.

Final Thoughts

Looks like Agent Carter has seen better days! Maybe she’ll get dishonorably discharged from S.H.I.E.L.D. and spend the rest of her days flipping burgers for Nick Fury at his mansion’s private Burger King.


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