Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #39!

This is it, kids. The exciting final part of the “Love Showdown” four-part arc! Catch the first part here. Catch the second part here Catch the third part here. And then there’s this one! And that’s it! That’s all! Throw your other comic books in the garbage, this is peak entertainment!

Veronica (Vol. 1), Issue #39 [December, 1994]

”Love Showdown (Part 4)” – Bill Golliher

Veronica balances a book on her head. “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain…” she repeats over and over again until the comic book ends and explodes and ruins my life. Reggie is watching a baseball game all “you’re doing great, or whatever”. You see, Reggie agreed to help Veronica become mean like her old self again, and I suppose this involves good posture and eloquent vocal delivery.

Reggie tells her to repeat the phrase another 500 times and she’s golden. Veronica poops on his face; ain’t no one repeating nothing 500 more times! Fuck that noise, son. “Besides, who the heck cares about the precipitation in Spain anyway?!” she bleats, throwing the book at Reggie’s head. He ducks, unfortunately.

“I’m so mad I could scream!”

“I rest my case!”

“What?”

“See! You’re back to your old hot and bothered self in no time! All it took was me pushing you just a little too far!”

Veronica thinks about this. Looks like she had in it her this whole time! Wow! She looks in the mirror and doesn’t see a reflection because she’s a vampire.

Reggie’s got another idea for her! Reggie is full of ideas!

They call it “grinding” these days, and it’s awesome.

A few short hours later, Veronica has all these freak dancing moves memorized. She watched and rewound the tape so many times it’s all worn out. Remember those days?! Blockbuster, baby. “I’m off to Pop’s to restake my claim to Archie, whatever it takes!” she says with vim and, dare I say, vigor. Reggie bids her farewell and heads off to fuck with the heads of some other girls in his high school, probably.

The gang is already at Pop’s. Jughead scarfs a hamburger that looks like a turd between two pieces of bread while Betty and Archie dance to the jukebox. Betty’s like “maybe you’ll dance better if you hold me closer” and Archie is like “and how!”

“Oh Betty, thank goodness you’re here!” Veronica runs in huffing and puffing. “Mrs. Johnson’s cat is stuck up in a tree having kittens and she’s asking for you!”

Wait a minute! Mrs. Johnson’s cat isn’t pregnant! Wait a minute! Mrs. Johnson doesn’t have a cat! WAIT A MINUTE! Who the fuck is Mrs. Johnson?!

None of these very valid questions crosses Betty’s mind as she runs out of the diner. Veronica uses the Betty-less moment to start stripping in front of Archie until she’s down to her fancy dancin’ dress. “Wow! That’s some outfit for Pop’s!” Archie yells, jumping ten feet in the air. I don’t know what either girl sees in this pile of no-personality goo, but Veronica invites him to dance nevertheless.

Have you tried Dwayne “The Rock”? Maybe he has a fuckin’ cat or whatever.

“Where’s Archie?” Betty twists her neck into a whiplashed pretzel looking around the diner after she gets back, but Veronica has already sexed Archie up into traction.

“I’m afraid I wore him out with my Naughty Dancing!” Veronica laughs evilly. “Jughead and Dilton had to carry him home!”

Betty and Archie were supposed to have a date, but nuts to that! Archie will be too busy putting aloe on his schlong to even think about leaving the house tonight. Pop watches with a smirk as Betty and Veronica start catfighting. Then it’s decided that it will be Super Soakers at high noon in Pickens Park tomorrow! Wear your nicest clothes and put your hair up. Get all dolled up! We’re fighting for the vapid ginger in a duel to end all duels!

The next day, Veronica shows up looking like Diana Ross and wearing a 1990s realtor’s uniform. Betty looks like Vanna White and is dressed like Pat Sajak. I wish I was kidding about either of this. Both are packing giant water guns with Reggie between them looking quite nervous. Backs to each other, girls, and five paces, then turn around and fire!

And they do! And they both hit Archie and a MJ Watson-looking redhead named Cheryl Blossom. They decided to walk in their path like idiots, and now their underwear is soaked. And Archie is not happy, man. And he’s usually happy.

“I was going to tell you two that Cheryl and her family moved back to town!” Archie says indignantly, dripping with what I hope is water. Cheryl wrings out her shirt. “I can tell you two haven’t changed! You’re still as immature as ever!”

And yes, guess what? Cheryl wrote the letter. Cheryl wrote the letter to Archie about returning to town and now she has returned to town. Put a cap on four issues of a bafflingly extended misunderstanding.

The end? No way!

Oh shit, I have to read Archie’s Love Showdown Special in order to finish the story! Fuck, man. I’m so invested in this I think I’m gonna poop. Maybe I will check it out!

Yeah, in your mom’s bed.

”Sew What?” – Mike Pellowski

Oh great. Welcome to another sexist installment of Veronica that involves “women’s work”. I’m sure Archie will be happy to have Ronnie sew the crotch of his jeans back together after he split them trying to moon all the 8th graders from the back of the lunchroom.

Betty shows up to Veronica’s house wearing an ugly blue blazer with a stupid blue hat. “How do you like this outfit I made, sir?” she addresses Mr. Lodge, who probably couldn’t care less about what her daughter’s stupid friend is wearing. BUT, Veronica can’t sew for shit, and her only talent when it comes to clothes is buying stuff instead of making stuff. “Is it difficult to make things like that, Betty?” he asks. She tells him that she had to sacrifice four goats to appease the sewing gods, so yes.

lmao. Your excitement certainly is visible, sir.

“Ahh… could someone like Veronica learn to sew?” her dad asks. He sure is asking a lot of fucking questions, this guy. Well, this is the question that simply shocks the girls! They both start shivering and stammering, as if Mr. Rich Big Shot Moneybags McGlasses would ever even consider someone other than his FORTY-FIVE BLACK SLAVES to sew even so much as a button.

“Why should I learn to sew?” asks Veronica.

“You might enjoy it!” her dad responds. “I’m sure we have everything you need to start sewing.”

lol he wants to her to start sewing immediately. Betty mentions it two minutes ago and now Veronica is beholden to make him a quilt by noon tomorrow.

“And maybe you’ll buy less!” Mr. Lodge thinks enthusiastically.

“I’ll bet this is another plot to cure my spending!” Veronica thinks poutily.

Nonetheless, though, Veronica’s open-minded! Because if she wasn’t, then this story would go nowhere! And it won’t anyway, but we’re going to try. She pushes Betty upstairs to her room where she will unleash all the knowledge she has about sewing, including how to make Archie a new codpiece.

Later, Ronnie’s really going at it! Like a sewing version of a serial rapist. “Look at that!” her dad says, observing his daughter from the hallway. “She’s busy sewing away! I’m a genius! This is working out better than I hoped!”

Eventually, within the matter of mere days, Veronica sews her dad a whole dang sports jacket. This Allen Ludden-looking nerd gulps at the monstrosity that she has bestowed upon him. It looks like gargled shit, is what it looks like. “W-Wear clothes like this to work?” he sputters. The jacket is, like, hairy or something. Like there are threads hanging out all over the place. He hates it! Utterly hates it!

“Veronica, I’m not sure sewing is the right hobby for you!” her dad says, slumping in his chair.

“Okay, Daddykins! If you say sew!” she responds! Betty laughs! WE ARE ALL FUCKING LAUGHING!

Oh, that’s the end? What a stupid story!

”Pay T.V.” – Mike Pellowski

Wonderful, another Mike Pellowski story. Is there going to be another pun at the end?? I’d rather shove thumbtacks up my–

Hey hey! Hi everyone! OK, let’s get started! Veronica wants to invite all her friends over for a party, but her dad CORRECTLY points out that she usually spends her Friday nights blowing all of his money at the mall. NOT TONIGHT! TONIGHT, SHE HAS COKE. “Well, Daddykins? Is it okay?”

Like you can’t afford it, trillionaire. Fucking Republicans…

Well, she ain’t shopping, and if there’s one thing I know about Veronica, it’s that she loves shopping! And Daddykins hates her shopping! And coke, you say? It’s a deal!

Veronica’s plan is to have all her girlfriends over a pizza and a movie on the big screen TV (which looks roughly 28”), and Daddykins is all for it, obviously. That shit’ll cost 22 bucks. The girls start showing up and dad’s rubbing his hands together like he hatched a perfect scheme to end all schemes.

The girls keep talking about this “giant TV” like the screen isn’t the size of a hand towel. “Okay, girls!” Veronica says. “Did you all bring the necessary items?”

Oh, they sure did! Portable phones! Cordless phones! It’s 1994, after all! “Let the fun begin!”

Mr. Lodge pats himself on the back that Veronica’s binge shopping habit “is finally broken.”

Then he discovers that the girls are binging on the home shopping network!

“We’re having so much fun, I’m thinking of making it a regular weekly event!” Veronica jubilates while her dad tears his hair out! Hahaha, d’oh d’oh d’oh!!

Final Thoughts

Good. Veronica’s dad can go suck a bowl of warmed-over dicks.