Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “The Root of Terror”

* Part 3 of 3 of the Heart of the Drengir storyline *

Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8 – “The Root of Terror”! In the previous installment, Keeve sort of knows where the Great Progenitor is and the Jedi need to cut that bitch down to cease the Drengir invasion once and for all.

Too bad they’re losing badly.

But things will come around. This is the last issue of the story and we’re not going to see the Jedi fail like a gaggle of complete… well, failures. Are we?

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8 [October, 2021]
Written by: Cavan Scott
“The Root of Terror”

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Keeve needs a haircut. Well, sort of.

Sskeer holos to the Starlight Beacon asking for reinforcements. They’re dying out there! But every single Jedi that they can muster has already been sent!

Sskeer’s response? Find more!

When the holo starts going on the fritz, Maru requests a transmitter boost. There’s something wrong with the comms network as a whole. Too much bubblegum in the works. Things are going south fast in all respects and it’s all Darth Vader’s fault! Even if he won’t be born for another 200 years!

Meanwhile, Hutts and Jedi alike attempt to neutralize the threat in what I can only describe as very busy panels. Sskeer, now released from the grip of Drengir influence, has entered the fray. Even sans Keeve, which Myarga points out to him much to his incredible chagrin.

Suddenly, the good guys hear a CHITTER CHITTER CHITTER. “Fascinating.” Terec/Ceret is about to say something dumb. “The Drengir appear to have weaponized local arthropods to act as guards.”

Indeed they have. Giant-ass bugs are now in the mix. Myarga doesn’t find this fascinating in the least, so he and I are on the same page here. “Deal with them!” he commands.

“We are not your private army, Myarga,” Sskeer says as he gets engulfed by tendrils. Again.

Suddenly, a bunch of bugs explode in mid-air Force-style. Myarga commends Sskeer, but it wasn’t Sskeer done did it. It was Keeve Trennis, who shows up (LATE) with Orla Jareni. More Jedis for the fight. Ho!

Keeve asks where Avar Kriss went, and last time any of them saw her she was heading to the center of the forest to face the Dreaded Great Progenitor. Keeve is like “oh no” and “it’s a trap”. Seriously. She seriously says “it’s a trap”.

Within four more panels, the rest of the Jedi finds the Great Progenitor manhandling Kriss.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Hey, Empire of Thorns is my favorite Song of Ice and Fire novel.

Terec/Ceret is confused about what the Great Progenitor means by “dark lords”. It means the Sith, dumbass. “That’s who trapped the Drengir on Amaxine station long ago before we freed them,” explains Keeve. “The Progenitor’s smart, I’ll give her that. Feeding me her location… knowing that Avar herself would lead the charge. Bonding with Sskeer was one thing… but Kriss… she can do things no one else can. She connects us all. Becoming our root-mind.”

The Progenitor finds this quite insightful for such a little bratty brat. And now Keeve herself as a choice: Join the darkness, or die by Kriss’ own hand.

Keeve thinks this is pretty ha-ha funny. The Progenitor just fucked up and she doesn’t even know it yet. “You were right about one thing,” Keeve says. “Avar does bring us together, which was your biggest mistake… because when Jedi come together, we do incredible things.”

Oh, I was hoping it was going to be something more substantial than that. It brings a tear to Kriss’ eye, at any rate. And like a big group of fun-time fluffy bunnies, the Jedi all tug at the Force together and cut the Progenitor off from the Drengir root-mind. Kriss wriggles free and joins the Kumbaya circle.

“Long ago,” continues Keeve, “the Sith froze you at the heart of their totems of darkness, cutting you off from the root-mind. And when asked by the Progenitor if the Jedi are bold enough to do exactly the same thing as their enemy, Keeve is like THERE’S A DIFFERENCE MOTHERFUCKER. The Sith were doing it to protect themselves. The Jedi do it to protect everyone else.

Bam.

Star Wars: The High Republic (Vol. 1), Issue #8

Myarga’s mad because of plants.

Myarga, ever the patient one, commands his army to aim their fiery projectiles at the forest. Kriss commands Myarga’s army to lower their weapons. And when asked why, why, WHY she wants to protect the monster that’s been plaguing everyone’s worlds, Kriss has a simple, shitty answer: “We protect life.”

Pffft, Myarga doesn’t care. He gets out his plant-killin’ whip and bellows a battle cry to end all battle crys. “DEATH TO THE DRENGIR!”

Keeve cuts his whip into fourteen pieces with her lightsaber. Didn’t you hear Kriss? We’re protecting the enemy here. Keep up.

A Jedi named Reath turns on a stasis field and envelops the Great Progenitor, stopping it once and for all forever and ever amen. “We will secure the creature in the Bogan Vault on Starlight,” says Orla Jareni. Thank god they remembered to build a Bogan Vault! “The Drengir will sleep once more.”

Myarga isn’t happy. He wants blood. And the Jedi all form a chain around the Progenitor with their lightsabers out, daring him to come get it. Myarga narrows his eyes and fucks off in his stupid Hutt UFO, ending the real threat once and for all!

“I guess our alliance is at an end,” says Keeve. For now, but who knows what the future will bring. *wink*

Kriss thanks Keeve for her indispensable contributions to the cause. Keeve goes “aw shucks it was all of us dogg”.

Comms are restored. Maru can relay to the Federation that their efforts were a success. The Republic Fair will go on as planned, and, oh shit, the Fair is gone!

The Nihil! We forgot all about the dang Nihil! Whoops!

Final Thoughts

A chilling end. What are we going to do about the dang Nihil? They’re like the galaxy’s rudest biker gang. You can’t stop something like that. Pack it up.


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Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9 – “Fighting Destiny”

* Part 1 of 7 of the Back to Blüdhaven storyline *

Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9 – “Fighting Destiny”! In the previous storyline, Nightwing continues getting terrorized by Raptor until he learns his secret weakness: comparing him to Bruce Wayne. Only then will Raptor be so overcome with emotions that he’ll fight like a mouse and can easily be thwarted forever.

Let’s hope this next story isn’t as stupid!

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9 [January, 2017]
Written by: Tim Seeley
“Fighting Destiny”

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9

“I tried to stay awake. Really, I did.”

Nightwing is describing me reading his comic book! Ha!

Anyway, Nightwing and couple of companions are fighting giant matador robots, because of course. They neutralize the robots and discover a figure in a ratty cape running away from the scene. Oh no you don’t, Fauntleroy. You’re not getting away that easy!

Nightwing’s companions are the Flash, Arsenal, and… uh… “Donna”. They run to a warehouse-type building, open the door, and discover a skeleton in a ratty cape holding a glowing ball of red light: “It was there. The pulsing gift that made me real. But it’s gone. Now there’s only an echo of a dream. But an echo is the true sound to one who hasn’t heard the source. And a dream is real to the sleeper.”

Three giant matador robots enter the room and stab their razor-sharp serrated appendages right through Flash, Arsenal, and… uh… “Donna”. Nightwing looks in horror, then he wakes up from a dream (that was real to the sleeper!)

“NOOOOO!” Grayson bolts upright, shirtless and jacked as the dickens. Ever since he started Nightwingin’ it, he’s been having nightmares. As he shakes out the creepies, Superman hovers in front of Grayson’s giant bedroom windows. As in, Superman is peepin’. “We need to talk,” he says. And an hour later, the two of them are in Superman’s Fortress of Jerking Off Secretly.

Superman (who is not the original Superman) tells Grayson that even the Justice League is undecided on how they feel about Batman lately. He punches shit into a computer and a large hologram of baddies appears before them. “I’ve been preemptively monitoring for known threats from my world in case they potentially show up in some variation on this Earth,” Superman says importantly. “Last night I detected two faint energy signatures associated with an artifact called the materioptikon.” Dr. Destiny, a skeleton man, used it to “create reality from the fabric of dreams”.

One energy signature is in an A.R.G.U.S. safehouse. The other one is in Nightwing’s brain. Go figure.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9

Because you’re a big ol’ wuss and Dr. Destiny feeds off of pee-soaked mattresses.

Superman wants to enter Nightwing’s dreamscape and search the source of this energy signature. I think that means he wants to put his PENIS in Nightwing’s EAR and that, sir, is sexual harassment.

Superman plops a large virtual reality helmet on top of Nightwing’s head and makes him sit in a stupid chair. Nightwing tells him that he’s too tired for this shit. Everything sucks and there’s not enough sertraline. “G’night, Superman,” Nightwing says as Superman plops on his own helmet and begins infiltrating Nightwing’s dreams of 69’ing Tom Brokaw.

The first stop in the dreamscape? Gotham Shore. It’s beach volleyball time with a couple of knuckleheads from Spyral, the old espionage agency, Helena and Tiger. Nightwing grabs a ball and serves it over the net, only to be intercepted by the creepy skeleton man from his earlier dream. “A gift,” it says. “Thank you, child. But it’s not enough. You must give me more. You must give me all.”

Giant robots come out nowhere and slaughter Helena and Tiger. Superman notes that the energy signature is growing stronger while Nightwing feels scared and helpless. “These materioptikon are feeding him with each dream-kill,” Superman notes. He starts punching robots, assuring Nightwing that he can wake him up from all this right now to avoid a heart attack or some shit. Barring that, Superman can take Nightwing to a safe dreamscape. One without jerkass robots ruining the party: a Gotham City rooftop.

At least, it’s A rooftop. Nightwing doesn’t recognize it, but the Nightwing of Superman’s world would. It’s in a city called Blüdhaven, a place where the alternate Nightwing was a hero. It was like Batman’s Gotham to him.

They see Batman, Robin, and Batgirl sparring on the docks. Everything seems nice and familiar and – OH NO! THE ROBOTS!

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9

That’s a stupid Thing, but whatever makes you happy.

Once they start attacking little Damian Wayne, Nightwing gets so mad that he throws one of his sticks at them. This causes more solidity in the time-rift-dream-matrix and Nightwing is able to punch robots around with his handsome fists. Yay, Blüdhaven.

When one robot presents an arm made out of Kryptonite to Superman, the caped one realizes that Dr. Destiny is feeding on Nightwing’s anxieties about vulnerabilities. Exploiting his compassion, his fear that he can’t save the people he loves, and he’s putting delicious ketchup all over it.

Nightwing gets caught in a dream net as his friends get dragged away by a horde of robots. “NO!” Nightwing screams, but it is met with more of Dr. Destiny’s whimsical musings: “The truth is, you’re letting me do this, Mr. Wing. Because you know I’m saving you. You’re respected by everyone for your experience and kindness. You’re everyone’s friend. But the problem with having so many connections… so many friends… you’re going to lose them. Someday, they’re going to die.”

A real fucking buzzkill, this guy.

Dr. Destiny leaps out into the open and punches Nightwing across his ugly, pockmarked, scar-ridden face. Superman is powerless to help; Nightwing has to pull his own damn self out of the dream. Nightwing has no idea how to fight Skeletonius as he gets thrown around a dream graveyard. He even whacks him across the face with a large gravestone that says “BATMAN” on it. Not even “BRUCE WAYNE”! That’s funny to me.

Superman has an Infinite Universes theory: there are infinite universes!

…

Sooooo, according to Superman – now hear him out – you can access these bajillion universes by “closing your eyes” and “thinking of them”.

And he does just that.

And Red Robin shows up to blast Mr. Skullbones with a laser blast of some sort. Red Robin is who again? Tim Drake? Stupid white boys with their white boy names. Superman and Nightwing either have guns in their pockets or they’re happy to see him. Everyone hugs it out while Dr. Destiny writhes on the ground in his own poop.

Then he achieves his final form.

Nightwing (Vol. 4), Issue #9

RAWR! I’ll lick you with my octopus tongues!

Good thing Nightwing has more than “a few” friends. In comes every DC hero you can think of, including, but not limited to, two Supermen! And the fight begins! And Dr. Destiny is no match for the pummeling of 45 superheroes. A real throttling. Some grim stuff.

Later, it was determined that these giant robots were designed by Lady Eve of Issues #1 – #4 as revenge. Kobra was using Dr. Destiny’s powers to steal info from Nightwing’s mind, promising to restore him with the dreamstone! Of course! (?)

Batman thanks Nightwing for the good work. He also begrudgingly thanks Superman. All like “hrm” about it.

Superman tells Nightwing that everyone is so different from the people in his own world. That is, except for Nightwing. Nightwing is very much the same. Just this pants-wetting little punk.

Superman flies away, leaving Nightwing in Blüdhaven to do a little sight-seeing.

Final Thoughts

I failed to really capture the happy-go-luckiness of the last half of the issue. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WITH FRIENDS. Give me a break. Friends are the worst. When’s the last time a friend did anything for you? I rest my case.


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Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40

Welcome to Archieness & Riverdalers Presents: Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol. 1), Issue #40 [April, 1969]

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

”Foot-Loose and Fancy”

“CLYDE DIDIT BELIEVES IN TOTAL FREEDOM! THAT INCLUDES FREEDOM OF THE FEET!” I barely know Clyde, but he’s an obnoxious sunglasses-wearing afro-having white boy. And he’s taking off his boots in the hallway to show everyone his stinkin’ feet. “Mr. Tuttle frowns on non-conformists in his school!” says Josie concernedly. “Particularly the hippie type!”

Clyde doesn’t give a shit. He’s not going to wear his shoes, who’s with him?? “Ooh! He’s so in! So with it! I feel the call to freedom!” Melody sings as she starts removing her shirt, much to Josie’s utter surprise. She grabs Melody before her teen titties flop around the school hallways, but not before all the Boys start sprinting up to her hoping to get a gander! All the guys call Josie a killjoy! Booo! We want titties!

Melody walks into a locker and comes out dressed as one of those filthy, godawful hippies. Barefoot and everything. She runs down the hallway trying to get Clyde’s attention. “CLYDE! CLYDE DIDIT! WAIT! LOOK HOW FREE I AM!” She runs past Principal Plaid-Vest, who never thought he’d see the day!

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Watch out or they might start listening to those B-B-B-B-Beatles records!!

Clyde and Melody are hopping around the hallway like idiots while Mr. Baldfuck Tuttle peers around the corner. “I feel all gay and free and released, Clyde!” she says, but Mr. Tuttle might not be so fond of this free-spirited behavior! “AHA!” Clyde yells, then starts jumping up and down like a cracked jackrabbit. “STRIKE! WALK OUT! CONSTITUTION! BILL OF RIGHTS! PROTEST! REVOLT SIT IN! PICKET! NO!”

“Egad!!” says Tuttle after this weird display of just-saying-things. He tries to hatch a plan to prevent more of this unpleasantness in his school and decides to stop the janitor from cleaning the floors. You see, the weather outside is frightful, and the kids keep dragging in snow, ice, pebbles, hail, sleet, snow, ice, pebbles, and snow! He takes the janitor’s broom and sends him on a nice, long coffee break. “The answer to a principal’s prayers,” Tuttle says of the floor full of pointy, hard rocks and ice. “The flower children are in class now! The old clock is ticking away, and–”

Once the bell rings, all the kids storm out of the classrooms… and poor Clyde and Melody, they step on all the ouchie shit! Foiled!

“Mr. Tuttle, that was a dirty trick!” Clyde gripes as he writhes on the floor pulling rocks off his feet. “You hate us because we’re free!!” he yells. This is not at all obnoxious, of course. Does this kid even go to this school?

Melody tells Clyde that if she had her shoes on right now that she’d kick him straight in the balls. Clyde goes to the janitor’s closet and grabs a broom because, honestly, he ain’t going to put shoes on just because some dipshit principal hates looking at feet!

While Clyde sweeps the floors instead of going to class, Tuttle visits the chemistry lab and–

”Cry Baby”

–um. Suddenly the story has a different title. We’re in the “cry baby” stage of the bare feet storyline. So where were? Ah yes.

Anyway, as I was saying, while Clyde sweeps the floors instead of going to class, Tuttle visits the chemistry lab and BOOM! There’s an explosion that rocks the school, 15 kilotons of TNT-equivalent that disintegrates everyone into powder and ash! Take that, hippies!

Actually, the explosion releases crying gas. Clyde takes this opportunity to revolt against obviously violent warfare. “Now it’s time to organize the kids!” he yells.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Blub! Fight the power! Blub! Glub!

Clyde stands on a bucket to try to rally his troops, but the gas spreads around the halls and everyone starts crying instead of getting fired up. A kid named Alex arrives to save the day with his gas mask that he keeps in his locker! “Have no fear, Alex is here!” he says before being promptly forgotten for the rest of the issue.

The janitor, crying, orders everyone to evacuate. “GET OUT! YOUR TEARS ARE SOAKING MY HALLS!” he yells ostentatiously. Clyde is still hollerin’ about civil rights for kids or something else that’s very ‘60s. There’s a lot of loud chaos, really. It’s getting quite preposterous.

Oh wait, Alex Cabot is the rich kid manager of the band. While the school airs out, he invites the teachers and the student body to conduct official school-related business (i.e. school) at his “luxurious home”. Great idea, dipfuck. You’re going to really piss off daddy.

Mr. Cabot looks out the window to see a procession of school buses enter his property. “EGAD!” he yells in the boldest of red letters. “He objected to going to school, so he brought the school home with him!!!”

”Higher Education”

The story continues! Everyone in the school starts strolling into the Cabot home like they own the place, but Cranky Old Mr. Cabot is not even cranky about it. He welcomes all these stinky teenagers and depressed, pill-popping teachers. “You’re more than welcome to use my home! The ballroom alone will hold several classes!” he says to Tuttle, showing him around the ol’ homestead. “The bowling alley in the basement should take a few hundred students!”

Wow, cool, man. Are you, like, rich? Fascinating. Cabot walks around observing the kids carrying books and smoking cigarettes and giving nerds swirlies, it’s nostalgic. “You know, I really enjoy this!” says Cabot. “I always wanted to be a teacher!”

Well, sir, hike up your teaching pants! Tuttle will allow you to take over one of his classes for no reason other than you’re super rich, probably. “Even monitoring the study hall will give you a taste of what it’s like!”

Study period? Swanky! Hey kids, come into the study hall. It’s actually more of an indoor pool kind of affair, honestly. A place where no studying at all will happen whatsoever. Anyway, enjoy the pool in the middle of the school day for some reason.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Nice hat, conformist.

The pool room is full of half-naked teenagers. Josie, who says something for the first time in her own comic book, comments on how fun it looks! But Alex, looking like an even more deranged Reggie Mantle, wants to snatch her away from the fun and show her something in the cold, snowy garage instead. He grabs her arm with his best rapey face on and drags her across the house.

“How’s that?” Alex says. “Isn’t she a beauty?”

“What’s it for?” asks Josie.

“If this icy wind would turn into a nice blizzard I could show you.”

“Oh! It’s a snow plow!!”

Yay. They hop into it and take it for a spin. Again, I’m losing the thread of the story. Isn’t school stuff supposed to be happening right now? Instead, Alex is fucking careening off the road in a snow plow, driving it around the neighborhood even though there’s no damn snow on the ground. They both get mangled in a wreck and it’s not a pretty sight! No one will ever find the bodies!

”School Daze”

Kids are still having fun, but they notice out the giant window that Josie has been kidnapped by a maniac in a snow plow. Mr. Cabot knows the snow plow sucks, that it’s not ready to run, that it’s full of nitroglycerin and it’s ready to blow! He chases after Alex and Josie, thinking that his fat ass can outrun a snow plow hurtling across the grounds at 650mph. “It’s not fully assembled!” he screams into the wind. Alex rips out the steering wheel while Josie is now upside-down in the vehicle.

Josie and the Pussycats (Vol.1), Issue #40

Things aren’t chaotic. People aren’t going to die. This is just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. Now who wants ice cream?

Next thing you know, the plow is crashing into the windows of Cabot’s pool room. “GAK!” screams Cabot, nostalgically thinking of the wonderful Nickelodeon goo from the 1990s. Now the cold air rushes in and freezes all the half-naked teens swimming around instead of studying like good boys and girls. They all run to sauna to warm their cold, aching bones!

This is pretty much the end. Nothing else of substance happens. The harrowing adventure of the snow plow is never concluded. The school is never reopened. And everyone hates their ice cream.

Final Thoughts

Did you notice that there were no black people at Josie’s school? Really makes you think.


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Sons of Anarchy, Season 1 – Don’t Mess with Motorcycles

Through the Idiot Glass Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this show and you haven’t yet seen it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned.
Discussion Subject: Sons of Anarchy, Season 1 (2008) (FX)

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

My Half-Baked Thoughts

If Entourage didn’t exist, I would consider Sons of Anarchy one of the most well-known fragile-masculinity small-dick-energy shows on modern TV. A group of fuckin’ tough guys that not only comprise a motorcycle club, but a gun-running motorcycle club, that isn’t very inconspicuous about their presence or their crimes in Charming, California. Now, I’m not going to pretend that this is my world whatsoever or that I can speak intelligently about it at all, but aren’t biker gangs usually just a bunch of immature bullies with ego issues who haven’t emotionally graduated from high school? Don’t they just drink and pick fights and ride their loud, oinky hogs and get mad at Priuses? SAMCRO has meetings and they go on secret missions and they kill people with little repercussions, able to outsmart ATF agents while deftly maintaining their macho exteriors! Every episode is the same: the gang gets into a really fucked up situation, they convene for ideas on how to get out of the really fucked up situation, they get out of the really fucked up situation with barely a hitch, the bad guys are thwarted, and the good guys ride away, and Jax visits his son in the NICU.

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

What the fuck is this shit? I’d rather watch Hellboy.

On that note, I enjoyed it ok! When I watched Season 1 the first time I hated Jax. He seemed like some dumb pretty boy who says stupid shit, and instead of Ron Perlman whacking him in the back of the head he’ll entertain and humor his stupid shit. How did that doofus get to be Vice President of the SAMCRO California charter, anyway? Whose hog did he have to suck to earn that title, HUH? He didn’t annoy me as much the second time around, mostly because I appreciated his level-headed stoicism under pressure. And there’s always a lot of pressure. It’s mostly self-inflicted, though. It must be very nice to be part of a club where they all hug and love each other like a real brotherhood one minute and then burn the tattoo off your back with a blowtorch if they don’t like you the next minute.

The characters as individuals? Maybe it gets better, but most of the gang is completely interchangeable. 13 whole episodes and I don’t even know half their names! Besides Jax and Clay, there’s the Scottish guy, the fat guy, the crazy guy, the nice skinhead, the old guy with an oxygen tank, and the trainee. Somebody is named “Juice”, and there’s a guy named “Tig”, and Opie has a beard!

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

We’re the Rough Boys and we’re here to fuck up your shit!

Katey Sagal plays a pretty good “I’ll do anything for muh family” stone-cold biker bitch. You can tell that Gemma was even more dangerous in her prime, and probably the only person who can turn Clay into a sniveling pile of mopey goo. She hates anyone who dares to get involved with her stupid son even if they literally love him, which is kind of a momma’s-boy turnoff. But hey, she’s like a combination of Leela and Peg Bundy for reasons I can’t articulate! You can’t go wrong with that!

Maggie Siff as Tara? Who cares!

Enough with the cast, how about the story arcs? The Mayans burning down SAMCRO’s gun storage warehouse kicks everything off and it couldn’t be less compelling. I’m glad that they lost their primary source of income, maybe these freeloaders can find some honest work once in a while. Jax’s ex-wife, Adriana from The Sopranos, has an overdose while pregnant and the hospital cuts out her premature son. They name him ABEL. Abel, as in, the fratricidal brother? One that can’t be trusted? That’s a pretty ballsy baby name in a show about the sanctity of brotherhood! Jax finding his father’s memoirs that makes him question the decisions he made in his own life as well as questions the motives of the club? Oh man, could I not give less of a shit? I enjoyed every moment where Jax was like “YEAH, BUT, HOW ABOUT WE TRY THIS WITHOUT KILLING ANYBODY” and the rest of the group stared at him like he squatted and took a giant dump in one their beer mugs. Gemma needed Clay to nip that shit in the bud, but Clay was very bad at nipping anything in the bud. The only thing Clay was useful for was delegating, and he barely even did that.

I didn’t find anything particularly interesting until they introduced Tara’s stalker, a former (older) boyfriend Joshua Kohn played by Dutch from The Shield. Disturbingly good at playing a realistic creep violating a restraining order, his scene where he basically tries to rape Tara was very uncomfortable. It was the only time in the whole season where I actually rooted for Jax, when he blew Kohn’s head off. I was like “fuck yeah” as I raised my glass of root beer to the TV (that didn’t actually happen).

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

Donna dies. Spoiler alert!

The other story arc that I enjoyed was Opie’s inclusion back into the club after his release from prison. He was torn between the club and his family for most of the season for good reason: he was flat buh-roke. Too bad that Clay and Tig decided that Opie was a rat. Too bad they didn’t have any real evidence for it at all before they decided to accidentally shoot Opie’s wife in the back of the head. Too bad the aftermath was just all “oops we fucked up tee hee”. I felt bad for Opie. He’s a family man who fell into the wrong crowd and he’ll continue to run with a wrong crowd and, you know what, Opie’s an idiot. Never mind.

Worth the Watch?

Am I gonna watch Season 2? Sure. I don’t know why, exactly. I’m not interested in bikers or their illegal dick-measuring clubs or the kind of trashy crime this all entails!

But I’ll watch it anyway. I don’t like leaving things unfinished and that Jax is a fine piece of sweaty, dirty-haired, peach-fuzzed, uneducated ass. Oh boy, son!

Sons of Anarchy, Season 1

Director Skinner! You’ve changed!


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Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb

The Book Bonfire Disclaimer: There will be spoilers. If you’re even remotely interested in this book and you haven’t read it, or if you’ll be mad if you accidentally read any possible spoilers about it, I’m going to chalk it up to “not my fucking problem”. You have been warned. Also, this is a feature about reading. You came here to read about books, so pictures in these posts will be scarce. Be an adult.
Book 1 of the The Farseer Trilogy
Book 1 of the Realm of the Elderlings series

Assassin's Apprentice

Welcome back to the Book Bonfire! I’m your host, Regis Philbin, and today we’re going to learn how the Atkins diet can SAVE YOUR LIFE!!

Also, we’re here to read Assassin’s Apprentice by Robin Hobb, something that certainly is a book, I’ll tell you that much! Actually, here’s a little bit of a preamble: I already read this book in 2018 and here are the only two things I remember about it: a) Fitz can talk to animals, and b) the Fool is smart. I don’t remember any other characters, the settings, the overall plot, why Fitz becomes in an assassin, who he is an apprentice to, whether or not he actually kills anyone, or whether or not the book has some really cool, rude swears in it. I don’t remember any of the important stuff. Fitz could be poisoning a deep-dish pizza to kill the Renaissance Boys’ Choir for all I know! I could be told that and I would believe it!

So I read the book again and, yeah, maybe there were a few more things that clicked in my head. Verity is the “nice” prince. Regal is the dickhead prince. Burrich raised Fitz, and Fitz wants to bone Molly. I didn’t remember Chade, Buckkeep, the Red-Ship Raiders, or even the Skill and any of its training. Pretty fucking important fucking plot threads and it all went down my brain tubes. How’s that for making an impression?

So, after reading it again eight years later I can see why Assassin’s Apprentice doesn’t have much lasting power. I found the book enjoyable — and I know I did the first time too or else I wouldn’t have read it again — but it’s very much an “in the moment” novel. You like it while you’re reading it and you don’t think much about it when you’re not. It’s very well written and well-plotted, showing Fitz’s progression from when he was dropped off at the royal doorstep at 6-year-old to roughly Age 14 when he’s busy remembering various poisons and sucking off Prince Verity. Throughout you see everything from Fitz’s point of view, where he gets to toe the line between royalty and commoner, and he’s at the mercy of his irregular situation. Fitz is always kind of dumb and socially awkward, and he never gets a leg-up in any conflict or predicament that he finds himself in, so he’s kind of a shitty protagonist. You can’t help but root for him, though, because he doesn’t have an arrogant bone in his body and he’s quite good at learning whatever he’s being taught even if his teachers are deliberately trying to sabotage his training (like that buttfucker “Skillmaster” Galen).

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– Burrich

Funnily enough, they don’t focus on actual assassinations. At all. They mention it all in passing, but we never get a scene where Fitz straight up murders someone. Watching the poor dude cough and choke like Joffrey Baratheon at his own wedding. Almost like assassination and apprenticing is the backdrop to something BIGGER going on here! But hey, I read the next two books as well and I don’t fucking remember a single thing about them either. Perhaps there will be more actual killing in the stories to come. Reportedly, this book’s working title was “Chivalry’s Bastard”. This would have been much more fitting, but cursing makes me frown a lot so I’m glad they didn’t go with it!

I guess, in a nutshell, this seems to be one long setup novel. They introduce the Red-Ship Raiders and their horrible “Forging” practices (removing a person’s sense of humanity — entire populations even — through some sort of vague magic), and their indiscernible motivations. They introduce the “Skill”, this vague telepathic ability to channel thoughts into others’ minds and, in the case of Prince Verity, somehow temporarily ward off the Red-Ship Raiders. They introduce the “Wit”, Fitz’s perverse ability to communicate a bond with animals. None of this gets entirely fleshed out, leaving one to imagine that it’s building up to something.

But, then again, I hear that all of Hobb’s novels follow the same sort of lowkey ambling plot trajectory. I’m fine with it. You need a book like that once in a while, and there’s not much like it in the fantasy genre that I’ve come across. 15 books to go!

BOOK BONFIRE DISCUSSION QUESTIONS!

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– The Fool

Pick out several characters and discuss how well they do or do not uphold the virtues of their names.
Aha, a fine question! Royalty, as if it were an obligation, bestow upon their kin these terrible Puritan names. I hate each and every single one.

King Shrewd – Oh, he’s shrewd all right. Cunning. At least we’re told that. I didn’t see much evidence of this guy being too shrewd. The most he does is permit Fitz to learn skills in the castle in order to not be a threat to the family line, including combat, Skilling, and *cough cough* poisoning people. Whether or not it’s actually shrewd is up for debate!

Prince Verity – Verity most certainly lives up to his name, being very much a what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of person. Kind, helpful, unapologetically absent-minded in a kind of “I’m royalty and I don’t give much thought, or much of a fuck, about social pleasantries” way. Verity is very much the good guy, though, but he seems a bit dumb. He seems like he would be played by Paul Rudd in a movie.

Prince Regal – Regal is a jerkass. This one doesn’t need further analysis. Real A+ motherfucker stuff going on with this guy.

Lady Patience – Talk about impatient! OK, I’m done.

How does Fitz’s identity crisis emerge as one of the main themes?
It all started when he formed his band Fitz and the Tantrums in 2008. Ever since then it’s been all “who am I?” lol

“You fucking suck, Fitz. Suck a dick.”
– Society in general

Fitz is a bastard, we can start there. At the beginning of the book, Fitz’s grandfather drops him off at an outpost all like “you guys can take care of him now, I’m sick of him.” Fitz was only six at the time, nameless and alone and with a shirt full of chili stains. When Burrich takes him in, he’s the one that provides to him the unfortunate appellation of “Fitz” (meaning “bastard” in the Six Duchies), which is pretty mean for a guy who basically raises him with all the love and care that a gruff, unhappy stableman can provide.

Then he’s called “Boy” by the Buckkeep town and castle grounds personnel. Then he’s called “Thomas” by Lady Patience. Then he’s called “FitzChivalry” by Prince Verity. It’s like, pick a fucking name and stick with it. The poor kid has already been through enough, getting dragged around on tedious errands and extended assassination-related journeys.

So, yeah, if I were Fitz I’d be dying my hair black and shopping at Hot Topic to try to find a semblance of personal identity! Maybe he’ll do that in Book 2.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Good, but not for everybody. Assassin’s Apprentice is slow on the action, but realistic in character development. If you want to see a depressed teenager get kicked around for 400 pages, then you’ll be in paradise! If, like me, you’re not big on the special talking-to-animals ability, then skip this fucking shit. Jesus Christ, what’s wrong with you?


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