Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman: Birthright, Issue #6 – “The Remains of Krypton”! In the previous installment, Clark Kent, as Superman, gets to talk face-to-face with his old buddy Lex Luthor! Now he’s worried that the smartest man in the world will be able to figure out his secret identity (and the fact that even this guy won’t figure it out tells me that Luthor ain’t that smart in the first place). The aftermath of the scary terrorist copter scenario lands Clark a job at the Daily Planet, with Lois Lane showing him the ropes.

Lex Luthor has a large piece of kryptonite stored at one of his facilities in Colorado. He’s gonna fucking stab a dude with it.

Superman: Birthright, Issue #6 [March, 2004]
Written by: Mark Waid
“The Remains of Krypton”

Time to go hunting for some skeleton bones! Helmet-y skulls with snakes coming out! How very Aladdin and the King of Thieves. Magic carpet rides. Genie lamps. Mark Waid’s gonna get avantgarde with the Superman story at this point!

Hardly. We are dropped in the middle of a school shooting, which was still uncommon in 2003 but I think it happens every 20 minutes nowadays? No one was killed yet, of course, since this is DC Comics and no innocent person will ever die. Plus, Superman has already entered the building, really roughing up the perpetrators! Giving them noogies and Hertz donuts.

Windows break from the inside, and all the reporters scream and shout thinking they’re getting rained on by bullets. But it’s just a pile of half-melted guns. Soon, Superman drags these two angry teenage scoundrels out of the building. One has purple hair, that’s how you know he’s bad.

One reporter yells for his attention, but Superman has already left. I hope there’s someone to detain these kids! I like to imagine they scurried back into the school like squirrels as soon as Superman let go of them.

This manly superhero manly man is already at a seedy guns/ammunition store where a bearded, heavily tattooed, Confederate flag-havin’, missing teeth, pants zipper down motherfucker is watching the news broadcast. “The boys said they bought those weapons from you,” says our caped crusader with his SERIOUS FACE on. This gross loser is like “BUH? HUBUB! RUHUBAH!? I don’t know what you’re talking about! BRPABRA! UBRUHEBRUB! SQUAK! WOOF!”, but Superman knows he’s lying. He can hear the hammering of his pulse in his testicles.

I dun know what yer talkin’ ‘bout! I just sell meth here! I swear!

“One minute ago, I saw a little girl screaming because she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She was nine, and she will remember it for the rest of her life.”

Superman punches a display case, grabs a gun, and shoots right at this guy’s face. lmao

This guy fills his underwear with Natural Ice and Hormel Chili diarrhea.

…and it’s revealed that Superman caught the bullet two inches from the guy’s nose.

“Now you will, too.”

And he ties this guy up and hangs him on the wall for the police to find. Another day saved again! DOOT DOO DOOOOOOOO….DOOT DO-DO-DO DOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Later, we see a genuine Clark Kent article about the apprehension of the gun store owner by none other than faster-than-a-speeding-bullet Superman! This guy has to artificially boost his own reputation. Hack.

But then, fellow reporter Peter Hu publishes an article advising the public to be wary of this new child molester who calls himself Superman. He’s only been in the neighborhood for five days. No one knows his real agenda yet.

“SUPERMAN: Hero or vigilante? Where do you stand? Vote!
-Yes. He’s proven himself.
-No, I don’t trust him”

Clark scans this online article, with the above user voting box at the bottom, with doleful discouragement. “Anyone know where Lois is?” he asks the room. The guy in the neighboring cubicle points behind him. “Same place she is every morning at 8:45am.”

Hitting the vending machine with a baseball bat? Snorting coke off the bathroom toilet? Neither, as it turns out! She’s in Perry White’s office bugging the everloving shit out of him, complaining about the sloppy integrity and poor writing of her colleagues while he tries to drown her out with an electric pencil sharpener. She criticizes the photography, the secondary sources, the editing, and he’s sharpening 50 pencils to their nubs, looking like a gunshot through his own brain would be sweet relief.

White’s writing a pros and cons list of whether to keep Lois or fire her.

PRO: best writer… CON: …no boundaries.
PRO: good interviewer… CON: …despite inability to listen.
PRO: 3 Pulitzer nominations… CON: …17 lawsuits.
PRO: won’t take “no” for an answer… CON: …won’t take “no” for an answer.
PRO: no good place to hide her body…

Looks like Lois is gonna stay! Jimmy comes into the office, but White’s on a phone call.

ARE YOU THE ONE POOPING IN THE URINALS??

The call was Lex Luthor’s office. They extended an invitation to Clark Kent for a meet and greet with the Big Bald Bossman himself and he turned down the offer twice? What the fuck, kid?

“Luthor is one of the most important figures in this city, one of the most innovative inventors in the world, he requested to be interviewed – and you didn’t jump at it? Kid, what planet are you from?”

Heh heh. Well, uh…

White instructs Lois to get the fuck out of his office and drag Clark to Lexcorp. Right now.

So they do.

“You can tell Perry I know the ropes by now. I realize you’re sick of ‘babysitting’ me,” Clark grumbles as they pass through the entrance of Lex Luthor’s Big Bald Building. She agrees, but she has also been itching to fight with Lex, so for now she’s still getting involved.

Now it’s Lois’ turn to grumble. She’s still upset that the Peter Hu Superman story suggested, even endorsed, fear. NO ONE knows more about Superman than she does! Not Peter Hu! Not Perry White! Not Clark Kent! Bitter bitter bitter. Like so much tea.

They flash their press passes to the desk secretary as Lois talks about how much she would stake her reputation on the opinion that he’s trustworthy. The secretary calls Superman hot, and Lois almost agrees on autopilot before snapping back to tell the secretary to buzz them in. I think I see Clark’s face getting a little red! So cute, sir!

Wrong, that woman was talking about Luther Vandross and his sweet, sweet voice.

In his office, Lex Luthor is ranting about wanting to trademark a vaccine for AIDS. Not copyright! Trademark, goddamnit. Clark extends his hand to Lex: “Hello, Lex. It’s been a long time since Smallville,” he says, but Lex keeps his arms folded bitch-style. “Mr. Kent, I’m not familiar with ‘Smallville’. If you’re claiming that you and I have met before – that makes the second time you’ve lied about me this week.”

Off to a great start! Is it chilly in here? Seems kind of chilly.

LEX LUTHOR WILL BE ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE! “I asked you here for two reasons. First, to let you know how displeased I was with your story regarding the helicopter attack on Metropolis. You accused me of being somehow responsible.”

Certainly, in person, Clark Kent ain’t so quick to be confrontational! He backpedals and points out that he merely just made the Lexcorp connection, but Lex bares his teeth. Clark’s “insinuation was quite clear” and “not at all amusing”.

Meh, whatever, journalists be journaling, my man. What are you gonna do about it? *grabs crotch* Huh, buddy?

But it’s not even about blaming Lexcorp! As irresponsible as that may be, the real tragedy here is Clark missing the bigger picture! Lex presses a fancy button and fancy pixels start swirling around the walls. Lex is gonna show them something, grab the popcorn.

The suited-up business smart guy starts laying down some Lexcorp facts: EVERYTHING, from aircraft designs to home improvements, has its foundation in the science of astrobiology. The study of extraterrestrial life. Boeing jets? Space aliens. La-Z-Boys? Aliens. Get the picture? Any questions?

Good. Let’s talk about the planet Neptune! The walls all around the office make it look like they’re really there! Wow!

Boooring! This is boring! Lex Luthor is boring. OK, he’s done talking. Lexcorp probes discovered iceworms on Neptune, that’s the gist. What do you mean you don’t see where he’s going with this?? Lexcorp designed a deep-sea explorer unit that eats hydrogen and sulfur just like Neptune iceworms.

The walls change location. Mercury! Too hot! Nothing lives there, not even Santa Claus. Why would he? The only way to live near Mercury is to glide around the sky soaking up photons and whatnot. Lexcorp designed a craft with solar panels, bing bang boom.

Location changes again! Some Proxima Centauri planet with silicon-based lifeforms. Lois Lane stops him here, she’s getting really bored too. OK, fine, here’s the point: “I’ve been cataloging the natural abilities Superman has thus far demonstrated,” Luthor explains, showing on the screens the blue and red superhero guy shooting eye lasers at a piece of drywall, “his senses are inhuman. Eyewitnesses claim he has uncanny hearing, as well as eyes that can see x-rays and other energy wavelengths – and even emit them in the case of infrared.”

He slices, he dices, he makes mounds of julienne fries in seconds!

Plus, his muscles can crush diamonds. His skin is like titanium. His supple legs and pouty lips, ooh baby.

So how can this all be true? Lex Luthor already knows how it can all be true! ONLY, mind you, a huge-ass giant-ass planet, mind you, with a bajillion times more gravity, mind you, orbiting a very, very, very, very, very dim red star, mind you, can cause humanoid creatures to evolve the types of cells and nerves that are identical to Superman’s specifications! Hee hee hee, how clever.

So there you go, Lois Jerkface Lane. Your superhero crush is some bug-eyed, slimy alien! RAWR! SQUELCH! And Lex has definitive proof!

But before we get to that, some more emotional stuff: this guy with his flashy clothes and his desire to keep his face visible. He’s doing this on purpose, but for what reason? To hide something. To hide, what, though? And here it is: Superman is some bug-eyed, slimy alien! RAWR! SQUELCH! And–

Clark interrupts with his ugly, mouth-breathing, snot-congested face.

DURRR! HAAAAAARRR!! But sir, how did you find all this out?! HURRRRRR!!

Lex plasters the walls with hypothetical renderings of Superman cut open on the operating table, being examined by doctors and scientists. Sure, try pulling out the ol’ spleen, that’ll have all the answers. They’re cutting open his head. Playing with entrails. It’s really gross, so Lois and Clark decide to fuck off from this place while Lex sings to himself, happily watching the carnage.

Lois and Clark, traumatized, have a chat later over coffee. Clark asks Lois if Lex was right or wrong. And if it would matter anyway. Lois doesn’t know.

Clark is amused that Lex doesn’t remember him. That in of itself is crazy bones! But he was kinda hoping he wouldn’t remember him anyway. Lois picked up on that introduction between them, the super sleuth that she is. “You and Lex acted like you were old friends. Shame. Thought maybe you could shed some light on his motives. Why the big obsession with finding extraterrestrials?”

We see a montage of young Clark and young, curly red-haired, nerdy-looking Lex hanging out together. Stargazing. Lex getting made fun of by other kids. Lex alone in the school science lab.

“…I think he just wants someone to talk to,” Clark responds.

Oooooh, Lex gets some pity-influenced characterization!

Later, Perry White demands that Clark writes up the Superman story based on Lex’s testimonials. Clark argues that there was nothing substantial. White argues that it’s fucking Lex Luthor, not some crackhead in an alley. If he’s saying it out loud, then it must have some credibility! Lex Luthor is a leading expert in every field he is involved with!

“Either you write it up or I’ll hire someone who will.”

So Clark frowns and starts contributing to the smear campaign. Even if it is kinda true stuff to begin with.

Gonna bump Bat Boy from the front page.

And how will this affect the public’s opinion of Superman?

Well, the issue ends with Superman stopping a runaway subway train after the driver has a stroke. He begs for someone on the platform, a doctor, to come forward and help.

Everyone recoils in disgust, horror, and maybe a smidge of randiness?

Final Thoughts

Oh no! Superman Bad Man! Big scary alien! Help! He’s gonna dissolve my bones and eat my toasters and probe my anus! Someone launch him into the sun before it’s too late!