Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: East of West, Issue #18 – “The Path of the Prophet”! In the previous installment, Death meets up with Xiaolian again (for one last time, as the Message prophesies) and they do really strange sex stuff in front of everybody! Like animals. Anyway, they share an earnest fear for their son’s well being and his involvement in the apocalypse yada yada yada they fuck and they’ll never see each other again.

Other than that? The Great Beast, aka Babylon, continues to be gaslighted by his Balloon. Archibald’s niece is his Chief of Staff, a smarty who will be able to point out flaws in his ideas. John Freeman 8 is going to bleed the Union dry. And all these people will probably be dead after this issue! Probably not. But maybe!

East of West, Issue #18 [March, 2015]
Written by: Jonathan Hickman
“The Path of the Prophet”

“Spin against the axis.”

Cool quote, man. Very cerebral. Doesn’t make sense, though. You can’t spin against an axis. Sorry. *pushes up nerd glasses*

Babylon saunters through the scary, creepy woods with his mean, manipulative balloon. From Babylon’s point of view, through his beer goggles, the orb actually looks like a balloon. A large, frowning balloon.

“Okay, seriously. This place is creepy. How much longer until we’re out of the woods?” Babylon asks his captor. I’ve noticed in the last couple of issues that Babylon has dropped the Big Band Theory Sheldon act and has been speaking more like a normal kid. I suppose that’s what being unhooked from the Matrix will get ya.

Balloon doesn’t answer in a straightforward manner. There’s a lot of “what really is ‘here’ after all?” or “permutations of variables are consistent with location positions blah blah blah shut up geek”. Babylon tells him less talk, more navigating. Get them out of the woods faster, damnit.

Plus, Babylon knows very well that Balloon is equipped with GPS and MapQuest and a 1760s sextant, so don’t jerk him around. Balloon knows exactly where they are, and he ain’t talkin’.

Deflecting completely, Balloon instructs Babylon to hop on top of him so they can avoid the “dangerous animals in the area”, specifically one that has been tracking them. He goes on to relate their situation to a Robert Frost poem. “The best way out is always through.” How do you like them apples, buckaroo?

Again, you can’t spin against an axis. Doesn’t anyone listen to me??

Babylon indulges Balloon’s musings. Because why not? They have all the time in the world after all, and Babylon’s a big nerd when push comes to shove. He mentions to Balloon that he sees a clearing ahead and continues Balloon’s philosophical train of thought.

“But you’re talking about a man [Robert Frost] who was surrounded by nothing but tragedy… his family history of mental illness. His wife died. I mean, the man watched four of his children die… This all means something.”

Balloon asks him to get to the point.

“The way through– that’s the metaphorical white light. The road not taken– living when you got no business doing so.” Balloon concludes that Frost had any guts, he would’ve sent a bullet ripping through his throat. But he didn’t. Makes you think, eh?

Balloon tells him that he’s wrong, but he nevertheless admires his interpretation. But enough about, there’s a beast on its way. Babylon assumes the position in a large, verdant meadow with a single green tree. He sees a desolate wasteland with a group of gnarled, dead trees. The beast is here! “Evasion scenario 1002, Balloon,” the little pipsqueak commands, “and tool up.”

Balloon turns on his weapon systems and the beast arrives. It’s Ezra Orion riding the Hell Demon! “Stand down, DHF001-DFF09.666. I mean you no harm,” Ezra tells the orb after overriding its weapon systems with a secret password: “Chosen”. The orb tells this bald bitch to call him Balloon now. It’s a better name. It’s also a better name than Ezra! Ha ha, nerd!

Ezra is like ha ha ha ha ha ha I’m not Ezra anymore! I also have a better name. It’s Bumper Pool. Pfft. Ok, it’s Prophet Orion! Not much of a change, admittedly, but there’s a nice ring to it.

Prophet Orion looks like a gross, decomposing old man on a lumpy, toothy, smelly looking demon. This is what Babylon sees:

Hello, son, I am L. Ron Hubbard! I have a cool pamphlet that I want you to read.

“I am an oracle of the times. Watch me laugh. Hear me lie.”

“We are all so blind. Won’t someone show us the way?”

Flashback to however long ago that Babylon McDeathMao was a baby. So, like, twelve years or something? The three Horsemen are actually HorseMEN…except that two of them are women, but whatever! Semantics!

“Here it is. Like some useless little worm…” War says with disdain in her every word, “I plucked it from its cradle while the mother wept and mewled.”

Pay no mind to this awful, nasty woman, Orion! She’s just mad because she misses the old Wild West days from about 175 years ago! Also Genghis Khan. Also Putin and Ukraine. Good times, good times.

Ezra Orion is on his knees before the Horsepersons. “Are you an agent of the end of times,” Conquest asks her large adult son, “Are you what the Message demands?” That old chestnut. It’s never a yes and she knows it. Come on, now.

“Then prove yourself,” she says, tossing the baby to him like a dang football. Here’s what’s going on: this is a simulation. Not a stimulation, mind you, but it could very well be that too for all I know. Orion’s into some pretty sick shit.

So here’s what’s happening: Cheveyo and Archibald are witness to Orion sticking that Matrix helmet on the young DeathMao.

Yeah, stop crying you little nerd. Prepare to get redpilled. Or bluepilled. Whatever, I don’t remember. You probably have access to Reddit on that thing, go check with them.

Cheveyo brings the goods. This is all primo technology from his people. “The program we designed is scalable and will need adjusting over time,” Orion mansplains to the other men in the room, “We will learn as he learns.”

They turn that sucker on, and the rest is history! Cool, huh? Wild stuff!

Sphere Balloon Orb has been activated. The fun begins. “Peekaboo, I see you,” the Orb coos at the child, presenting itself as a balloon from the very beginning.

And here we are today, with Balloon manipulating the image of Orion as a new age Joel Osteen. Orion’s here to make some, uh, modifications to Balloon. Babylon asks if he can play with his giant gerbil. Orion says yes.

“His name is Buer and he loves to play fetch…or really anything that involves biting,” smiles Orion. Babylon grabs a stick and throws it. “Go get it!” he goads the Hell Demon. The Hell Demon complies. Meanwhile, Balloon’s core had separated itself from its shell and moseys on over to Orion for a little chat.

“Where’d you get the demon?” Orb asks.
“Cheveyo summoned it from the plain and I grew it as an arm,” Orion responds sulkily.
“Hmm. Sounds painful.”

“Hey, I’ve got an idea,” Babylon chirps with a lightbulb over his head! He rides the Hell Demon like a horse. They’re really becoming good friends! It’s so touching. On paper.

“You’ve changed,” the Orb tells sad-sack, lumpy-headed Orion. It’s because the Armistice is gone, so all that work building it for nothing. Also, by the way, he just realized that he’s been a pawn all this time in the Horsemen game, so that sucks too.

Hell yeah, jumping rope transcends species AND dimensional barriers!

Orion explains that he represented the Word, sure, but then he realized he had to become the Word to fulfill the prophecy of the Word. It was a choice he had to make. ERGO, while the Chosen are spending a lot of time dictating little DeathMao’s fate, it’s really up to him in the end.

Oh, ok, so free will then? Let’s all just get our free will sticks and bash everyone’s brains out.

Orion asks the Orb to take out his SD card. “He will be or he will not be the Great Beast. Let’s see what he shows us.”

Here’s what Babylon shows them: he tells the Hell Demon that it’s time for a nap, and curls up in one of its 200-ft tendrils and drifts off to sleep. The Hell Demon joins him! Awww, adorable.

Doesn’t it just warm your cold, dead heart?

At the People’s Republic of America’s staging area, Xiaolian and Death hold hands while watching the envoy move around the sky like a creepy mechanical snake. She tells hubby dear that the Endless Nation agreed to assist PRA in the war, but, as you remember, the Endless Nation all but exhausted their supplies and manpower fucking up Texas, so they need Xiaolian and her people. Xiaolian has the upper hand here! That’s some good shit right there.

“I buried our real interests like seeds and reaped a harvest,” she tells him, explaining that she had a long list of demands for the Endless Nation before she would agree to theirs. Like, 11pm curfews, full access to the remote control, and Pizza Night every Saturday. Oh, and at least one trip to Six Flags over the summer.

And although Mao Town’s real demands weren’t very forthright, the Endless Nation will catch on eventually. They have to. “Doesn’t matter,” Death responds, “Anyone else’s urgency pales to our own. What did they give you?”

“The location signature of every mobile AI platform currently in use.”

Oh…huh…ok…that’s fun…uhm…

Ok, well, gotta go! But before Death fucks off forever, he’s got a little present for Xiaolian! *throws her a locket* You can talk into it and Death will hear her, but he can’t talk back and she’ll never know if he actually heard her or not. Ok, bye!

Death mounts his fireball-shooting bug horse. “Hurry back to me,” she says. “You have my word, Lady Mao,” he responds, lying. “The only thing that could keep me away… is me.”

lol

There goes the best husband I’ve ever met…

“What follows…”

The next morning, alone in the meadow save for his Balloon, Babylon sleeps peacefully in the meadow. “DING!” Balloon goes off like an egg timer, “Time to wake up, young man. Exciting new adventures await.”

Grbbrbrbrb…zzzzzz…..ZZZZZZ…….. Z!

“Everybody left?” the child asks groggily.
“Yes. But I’m sure we’ll see them again.”
“Okay.”

Babylon has never felt this sensation in his stomach before, so he’s not sure if he’s right about it or not, but he thinks he’s hungry? He could really go for a Hungry-Man TV dinner right about now. The one with Salisbury steak in it.

“Well then, Babylon.” Balloon smiles, “You should eat.”

Final Thoughts

I hope Babylon gets his Salisbury steak.