Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22 – “Reflections of…”! Hot off the heels of Brian Michael Bendis’ All New X-Men, I was itching for more of his Ultimate Spider-Man run. So here we are.

In the previous story arc, Doc Ock wakes up from his coma and discovers his stupid robot arms. He’s pretty mad about it! He seeks justice against Justin Hammer, a Southern businessman who owns facilities rife with human experimentation laboratories.

Hammer gets scared into a heart attack and dies, so that takes care of that. Doc Ock gets taken down by Spider-Man in front of dozens of journalists and TV reporters, which allows Spider-Man to finally give his two cents on live television about his intentions and motives for superheroing around the city.

Oh yeah, there was a Steve Irwin-type TV personality named Kraven the Hunter who vowed to kill Spider-Man on his show to boost ratings. That didn’t pan out whatsoever. It was inconsequential.

I, for one, am excited about another storyline from one of the better comic series that I’m currently tackling. You don’t seem as excited. But this isn’t about you, now is it? It never was.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #22 [July, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Reflections of…”

The cover tells me this is the return of the Green Goblin. Willem Tha Foe. All hail his greenliness and his goblinness.

It’s just another typical today on the streets of Queens. A bunch of people walking around, looking angry, like always.

We don’t waste any time! A group of street toughs come barrelling down the sidewalk on their rude skateboards and inline skates! They’re wearing delinquent clothes, like sweatshirts, sunglasses, and pants with no belts!

“All right, TAKE ‘EM! TAKE ‘EM ALL!” yells the one with the Scott Summers Cyclops visor, the the four coed thugs begin tazing innocent civilians and steal their various cash-holding accessories!

“I hope you get cancer– you should only get cancer!!” shouts a rather hysterical hot dog vendor. Cyclops Boy only smiles! He smiles at the threats of cancer!

OK, we’re done here! Gooey webs spring up all around them, stopping these ruffians in their tracks. “I can’t believe I had to get out of line at Taco Bell…for this?” swoops in the spindly Spider-Man as he makes short work of these ne’er-do-wells. The ne’er do well, do they? Ne’er e’er.

I wouldn’t say no, of course. I am, as you kids say, a man grown.

One of the girls tries to hit Spidey with her taser, but he shoots his web goo at it and it causes the thing to shock her instead. Tables turned! This is fun!

“Do you guys know I fight guys with morphing metal arms and actual electric power? I’m A-list, baby,” taunts the spidery one. He finishes taking out these subpar bush league rent-a-hoodlums and dusts his hands off. “If you expect to be taken seriously by guys like me… you’re really gonna have to work on your presentation.”

The adoring public smiles passively at the hero. After a lucious full-page crotch shot, the hallmark of the male superhero, Spider-Man takes his leave and heads to high school where he spends his day eating his boogers and staring at girls’ shoes.

Class is already in session. Dr. Science Professor in his pristine lab coat is going to talk about moles. Not the blind dirt diggers, and not the Russian spies. Definitely not the cancerous growths like the ones wished upon by the hot dog man! It’s the boring chemistry one. Look, I don’t have to explain it. You all went to high school, right? Or maybe you didn’t! Maybe you’re still 12. That seems about the right demographic for my inane blog.

Peter Parker sprints to class while this teaching nerd rattles off the Wikipedia article he memorized that morning. And just before the teacher tries to get someone in the room to wake up and answer “Avogadro’s number”, Parker crashes into the classroom. He breaks beakers, he topples test tubes, he flummoxes flasks! Smooth move, Ex-Lax! Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Way to Kramer your way into class, young Peter Parker! Giddy-up!

Mr. Science asks him WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS TARDINESS?? He fell asleep! Next? What is 6.02 x 10²³ called? Parker answers it correctly. Whew! That was close!

After school, Mary “MJ” Jane “Marijuana Weed” “Kirsten Dunst” Watson gushes about Spider-Man’s live television fights with Doc Ock and Kraven the Hunter. Parker tells her to cork it while they’re in public.

“Did you hear what happened to that Kraven the Hunter?” MJ smiles, “They cancelled his TV show… they put it on ‘indefinite hiatus’– and I have an uncle who’s a P.A. at NBC and he says that’s French for ‘Sayonara, sailor.’”

Yeah, and Parker has an uncle who works at Nintendo. Just kidding! His uncle is dead!

MJ keeps going on and on about how much of a boner she got watching Spider-Man on TV. She wants to whisk him away to a corner of the school to smooch his peen, but another time. They instead head to the bleachers to watch football practice for some reason. Sounds like a dumb thing to do after school to me. Go home and play Gamecube.

She said I can’t go out and be Spider-Man for at least three weeks!

The thing about the Doc Ock fight, it was all the way in New Jersey and it took Parker forever to get home. He had to sneak in at 3am. It didn’t work. Aunt May flipped her lid and now he’s grounded. The pits, right? That’s what he said. He was like “this is total pits, Aunt May!”

MJ looks pretty sad and pitiful about Parker’s Predicament! “Can I come over then? We’ll just hang out at your place,” she nudges. Ha, yeah right! Aunt May thinking we’re kissin’ genitals? No thanks. “You are the entire foundation of the grounding,” he says. No more nookie for you two. Start using the shower head like a normal teenager, MJ. Parker’ll hump his toilet seat. It’ll be fine, they’ll get by.

Also, this Spider-Man thing will take a time out, too. “Guess I’ll just catch up on my reading and keep making boo boo kitty faces at Aunt May until she gives in,” Parker says, inscrutably.

Boo boo kitty, huh?

The thing that really sucks? Parker hasn’t been grounded since he was seven years old! Usually Uncle Ben would calm May down. Now she has NO ONE to calm her down! She’s all riled up constantly! Stupid dead husband. Wish I was dead.

He doesn’t like lying to his aunt, but he can’t tell the truth either. And any attempts to fix will just be more lies. She’ll never trust him again. Oh man.

MJ says fuck that old lady. She’s coming over anyway!

“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“I’ll sneak over.”
“No.”
“Seriously?”
“Not if you ever want to see me again.”
“I can’t sneak over?”
“No.”

Never anger the redhead, idiot. “You can have your whole super secret hero thing, and I can’t come over?” she snipes. Why does she even bother? This kid is full of bad decisions.

“Guess we’ll just have to make out under the bleachers during school then,” she smiles devilishly. Parker’s eyes perk up! The bleachers! Of course! Aunt May doesn’t own the bleachers!

Something happens next that makes the two of them completely forget about snogging under the bleachers. You would think it would be a nuclear bomb going off. You wouldn’t think there could be anything else that would accomplish that.

What really happens doesn’t seem that important to me, though! Who cares!

Harry Osborn is back.

Yo! I’m outta the joint! Let’s go rob somethin’!

Parker and MJ are all like “what are ya doin’ here?!” and Harry is all like “this is where I go to school”. Very coy. We’ve been worried sick, young man. We haven’t seen you in like, fifteen issues! Tom was barely even reading any comics back then!

Look, Harry isn’t ready to talk about it. A lot of shit went down, that’s all you need to know right now. Goblin father, burned-down house…it’s some real grim shit, yo.

“Well lookie lookie. Harry Osborn back from the dead,” says the approaching bowl-cut extraordinaire Flash Thompson. Harry shoots him an icy glare. “Flash,” he says. Icily.

You know what, Flash? All this time, both Peter Parker and MJ wrote and called and emailed and texted and Facebooked and Zoomed and what did you do? Sit on your own penis? Thanks, buddy.

“I thought about it. I just didn’t get to–” Flash starts flailing and sweating and gibbering, but Harry wants to hear NONE OF IT! NUNAVUT! So now is Harry “James Franco” Osborn ditching the freaks and joining the geeks now? Is that how it is?

Look, man, in 2022 we’re ready for the Harry Osborn / Flash Thompson relationship comics. I’d read the shit out of that!

So Harry starts throwing some homophobic jokes in Flash’s direction to prove, indeed, that Franco’s joining the geeks. Everyone around starts ganging up on Flash, saying that he sucks dicks and stuff. He doesn’t like that. “Allsyalls can kiss my backside!”

Flash storms away. Gwen Stacy, having included herself in the little gangbang, gets all close and cozy with Harry. Her reputation precedes her. They haven’t met yet, but he knows who she is. He heard allllll about her already in the principal’s office. Knowing that the principal is bandying about her name like that makes her day.

So yeah, it’s cool that Harry Osborn is back and all. Sure. That guy is brimming with personality.

“Peter, listen, my father wants you to come over for dinner tonight.”

Oh, your dead father? Sounds great, I’ll just wear my fanciest boutonniere and wait what was that?

Remember when Harry didn’t want to talk about anything, like, a page ago? Well, he doesn’t mind now. Talking about his mom dying in the fire. He saw her die! Crazy stuff. All burned up to a crisp like a Thanksgiving turkey! You know, a turkey from someone who sucks at Thanksgiving. But he had a lot of time to, you know, collapse in a nervous breakdown and stuff. But everything’s better now! Seriously! COME TO DINNER!

“But that thing that attacked our school– you said it–” HA! HA HA! STOP RIGHT THERE! Not Harry’s dad! Not at all! Hahahaha!! He must’ve been already taking those CRAAAAZY pills, wooooo!!! Listen, Harry’s fine! Norman is fine! FINE, GODDAMNIT!! Now come to dinner before his dad beats him again.

Peter Pisspants Parker is grounded. He can’t eat dinner with anybody anymore. Some other time then. Harry’s going to have to go home and hide all the belts.

“Harry’s Dad knows I’m Spider-Man. He knows!!” screams the kid bouncing around the fucking city in broad daylight Spider-Man-style.

Man, it just keeps happening. Everyone knows your secret identity, kid. Perhaps someone else needs to kick you in the butt again to throw off the scent.

He tells himself to not worry just yet. Maybe the Osborns had nothing to do with the whole goblin thing! Maybe Norman just wants a friendly dinner with some high school kid. I mean, freaks are everywhere anyway. And Norman is the ticket to getting some questions answered, to boot! He knows Parker got bit by that spider, maybe he can help him!

Pfft.

Parker backpedals now and considers himself nuts for even entertaining the idea that Norman Osborn isn’t a complete piece of shit. Just like everyone else! Especially that bitch Aunt May, grounding him, taking away his Game Boy! Unfair.

Seems strange, too, that Harry and Norman show up immediately after the Doc Ock thing falls apart. Very suspicious. “A big, happy family!! Which is, like, the total opposite of what they were last time I saw them. Nahh– this is crap. Big crap.”

So that settles it! Never seeing Norman Osborn again! Maybe he can murder Harry and then he’ll really be free.

“I just want to go to school and be Spider-Man when I want and go to a good college,” Parker muses, wanting only the simple things in life. Plus MJ and her sex organs.

Too bad this kid isn’t in the clear. A limousine is parked outside his house. Inside, a younger woman of the exact same height and build as Aunt May is making herself at home. “Mr. Parker, I’m Ms. Brooke, Mr. Osborn’s personal assistant. A pleasure to meet you,” she says, extending her hand.

Listen to the spicy, young, elven woman, dear.

Aunt May is beaming. Parker didn’t tell her the Osborns were back in town. What a joy! OF COURSE you can go over there for dinner! They sent a limo!

But he’s grounded! Nope, special dispensation for this one. Go have fun, now. Limousine! Bye bye!

They’re on their way to downtown Manhattan. Ms. Brooke is calm and polite. Peter Parker is trembling and farting his pants. And, soon enough, they arrive at the Osborn’s rich residence building. Probably in Trump Tower. Buttheads.

“I think for the next week we’ll just park a limo outside your house till your aunt forgets you’re grounded,” says Harry, greeting him at the entrance to the building. He’s all smiles; it’s very foreboding. They get in the elevator.

“I can’t believe you and Mary Jane are an item.”
“Who told you that?”
“Mary– I just talked to her for, like, an hour.”
“She’s here?”
“No. Phone. Good lord, is she in love with you.”

Parker gapes. Still likely farting his pants. He forgets all about how scared he is of the Big Bad Norman Osborn and presses Harry for more info about this. And yes, she pretty much said that in those words.

Harry wants to double date. They, he and Gwen Stacy! *growl* That psychopath really melts Harry’s butter. Really sets him aflame! Sets him aflame and kills his mom.

Nine hours later, the elevator reaches the top floor penthouse of the 950,000 floor skyscraper. Harry has to finish his session with his therapist, so he’ll smell you later. Ms. Brooke is a fine conversationalist! Say hi to my dad! Bye! *leaps out window*

So Harry ditches Parker, and he looks sheepish and nervous about it. Ms. Brooke takes Parker to a giant set of double doors that lead into Norman Osborn’s…ahem…private office. *knowing wink*

Parker’s internal monologue runs a mile a minute. Should he run? Does it matter? Norman can’t do anything here, there are too many witnesses. Wow, MJ is in love with him?! Wow! Maybe he should tell Aunt May that he’s Spider-Man. Are those cherry cordials? *munch* OK, fine, let’s face the music.

Hey, who’s that cute drink of water on TV?

He enters the dimly-lit office, which contains floor-to-ceiling windows, a large built-in aquarium with swimming sharks, and a TV tuned to Norman Osborn’s favorite channel: Spidey+

He watches, frozen in horror, at footage of his fight with Dr. Otto Octavius Octopussy. “HAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!” bellows the hearty Norman Osborn! Hale and healthy, this man, with his giant boat neck t-shirt showing off his sexy collarbone. “I’ve watched this clip so many times this weekend, I thought I was going to burn a hole in my TiVo.”

Ha, TiVo.

“So, you got it out of your system, I hope?” Norman asks pleasantly while playing footage of the infamous spider bite incident. “This Spider-Man crap. You’re done.”

Oooookaaaay, time to go…

But no, Parker stays rooted to his spot. He asks what’s going on and how is Norman alive right now? Here’s what’s going on, son: Norman Osborn owns you. You got bit by a spider in one of his labs. You’re his responsibility, and your days of cavorting around town in your tight-fitting package-accentuating jammies are over. It’s embarrassing.

“As for how I’m alive,” Norman says, pulling out a giant syringe filled with orange liquid, “…I’ve evolved.” Then he jams the syringe needle in his own neck and administers the liquid.

Oooookaaaay, time to go…

But no, Parker stands transfixed.

“OK, watch this, the little scientist in you is gonna get goosebumps,” readies Norman. Oh boy! He starts grunting and thumping his chest like he’s having a goddamn heart attack, but what really happens is he starts Hulking out. Turning green. Serious shit. He gets fifteen kinds of goblined-out!

“Now, what was your question?” the Green Goblin asks, eyes shimmering with orange light. Shirtless and glowing. Shiny. Incredible.

Final Thoughts

Yo, bonus page! “JAY LENO & SPIDER-MAN: ONE NIGHT ONLY (DON’T FORGET TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS)” Part One!

J. Jonah Jameson has an assignment for Peter Parker! General Motors, one of the Daily Bugle’s biggest advertisers, is shooting a commercial downtown! And they’re going to shoot it with Jay Leno! And don’t ask Jameson why, but Jay Leno wants to shoot it with Spider-Man! And since you’re sooooo fucking good at finding Spider-Man, he wants YOU to find Spider-Man and then coax him into doing anything Jay Leno wants! OR ELSE!

Better do what Newspaper Hitler asks!

Gulp! What a pickle! How is Peter Parker going to talk Spider-Man into THIS?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE! *wacky banjo music*