Greetings. I am your Dungeon Master, and from this moment forward you will either refer to me as “Sir” or “Your Gloriousness”. Mom said that I have time to start a campaign today, but I need to finish my homework after dinner so we don’t have too much time.

Welcome to Gloobus! A sprawling continent of villages, forests, deserts, ancient ruins, urban landscapes, urban landscapes bombed by nuclear weapons, abandoned castles, abandoned White Castles, residential areas with houses that have Christmas lights up in August, and catacombs that have been infiltrated by ghouls and hobos. Our journey begins in the small town of SubGloobus Delta 14, a place lousy with children. Just a bunch of the little shits running around stealing strawberries from the marketplace and playing kickball in the blown glass vase shop. The women are quite comely, though. That probably explains the infestation of children. Rape is a major societal problem in SubGloobus Delta 14.

During a relaxing afternoon drinking cornmeal mead in Borp’s Tavern, the three of you sit at separate locations within the quiet pub. You all do not know one another, but fate will bring you together shortly. A very old gypsy wearing a hoodie with Looney Tunes characters all over it speaks clandestinely to the barkeep about the fabled Seven Shards of Ruination, but it’s so quiet in the tavern that it sounds like she’s shrieking her head off about it. It’s very likely that she doesn’t have an indoor voice.

“The Seven Shards of Ruination are but a fantasy! A children’s story!” exclaims the incredulous barkeep. His name is Tucker. “There is no such thing! Many young ones have died in the Fuck Cave trying to locate the so-called easiest shard to acquire! Begone with your tall tales!”

Tucker throws a bottle at the old gypsy’s head. It bashes her face and she loses four HP points.

One of you offers the old gypsy a Stimpack and a popsicle. “Hello, my poor wretched so-and-so. My name is Daring the Bold and I couldn’t have helped but overhear you speaking to the rude barkeep about these Seven Shards of Ruination! Surely you must know that no such shards exist! Dumbass!”

One of you hoists your ample girth up from your tiny wooden barstool and approaches Daring the Bold. You slap the silly goose right across his wet mouth. “How dare you speak to a lady in this manner, you insolent piece of rat droppings! I, Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2, challenge ye to a dual of wits!”

“Ha! I have already won, my mentally bereft friend, for I observe from the massive bumps in your skull that you lack the intelligence to best even Tucker’s donkey in a dual of wits!” Daring the Bold laughs daringly and boldly. Henrik falls to the floor in a tantrum of hysterical fits!

The old gypsy stands at a loss for words. This is when Olena Donovan-Jones breaks up the two of them. They are smitten at first glance, for the young, porcelain-skinned lass has hair down to her ample buttcheeks, but Olena is NOT having any of that bullshit right now. “I sense a Quest in the works here, so you two better not fall in love with me or else I’ll remove YOUR teeth and castrate YOU with them!”

Our three brave, fearsome heroes!

The gypsy chimes in at this point. “You three are a perfect match for a Quest I want to, to lack of better phrasing, foist upon you. Yes, yes, we’ll ALL get wealthy with this one! You, of course, are familiar with the Seven Shards of Ruination, am I correct?”

Daring the Bold and Olena nod their heads solemnly. Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2 shakes his head and drools. Olena jabs her elbow into his fat-layered ribcage.

“Ah yes,” the old gypsy continues, “a brief refresher would be highly recommended for all three of you. Behold, the Tale of the Seven Shards of Ruination!”

There be two siblings, twins, Freyr and Freyja. They fought a lot as children; who does the dishes, who gets to read the new Harry Potter book first, stuff like that.

“How do you like them apples?” the gypsy folds her arms with a smug look of satisfaction.

Daring the Bold unsheathes his sword with a swift hand and raises it over his head in triumph. “A tale as old as time, my dear one!” he jubilates, waving the giant sword around like a fucking lasso. “However, you must know that the Seven Shards of Ruination surely do not exist! The stories have been passed down for generations and nary a soul has found but Shard one!”

Olena agrees with the crazy dude swinging his sword around the bar like a lunatic. “I agree with the crazy dude,” she says, jabbing the vacant Henrik of SubGloobis Theta 2 into his tender ribs thrice more. “It does not seem worth the trouble to even humor you, Madam Looney Tunes Gypsy. Such a dangerous undertaking requires a hefty… well, give us some dang money for this stupid Quest.”

The gypsy smirks. “The collection of the Seven Shards of Ruination is payment in of itself! Do you all realize the power behind a complete set of Shards? Do I need to tell you the tale again? Twin siblings? Harry Potter? The Shards bring wealth, yes, but also immortality. Invulnerability. State of the art cock-sucking robots. Magic powers beyond your wildest dreams! What’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine. We each reap the benefits!”

Daring the Bold arches an eyebrow. He accidently breaks a table with his wild sword swinging. “Why should you get a cut? All you have done was TELL us to go get the Shards! Do you plan on tagging along with the three of us? Do you perhaps have a map with the locations?… what’s this about cock-sucking robots?”

“X” marks the seven spots!

The gypsy pulls out a ratty shred of parchment on which seven X’s are marked at various specific locations of Gloobus, forming the shape of a Star of David-looking thing without all the Chanukah.  “I do indeed, by bold friend. Ask not where I acquired the very valuable parchment, but let’s just say I had to do some very unseemly acts to secure the sacred artifact,” she says, smiling and licking her gums disgustingly. Henrik pukes into a nearby bucket. The gypsy points to the X at the very center of the star. “This right here, approximately 15 miles due northwest from Borp’s Tavern, is the Fuck Cave! As the legends go, it’s the easiest Shard to obtain! Lucky for you three, it is also the closest. From that point, any direction will suffice… as long you survive the Fuck Cave…” the gypsy cackles rudely. Rather phlegmy too. Olena offers a cough drop.

“Thank you, lass. You’re not as bitchy as you look. And you look pretty dang bitchy. Nice resting bitch face, dear. Do you kiss your mother with that bitch face?” the gypsy chides, having relaxed after securing the three of them for the Quest. She hands Olena a copy of the parchment fresh off the Xerox. “Keep this with you at all times. The locations are not explicitly labelled, but each Shard can be found equidistantly between locations. My advice is to stop by the small town of SubGloobus Tau 12 first on the way to the Fuck Cave. There you will find lore about the Cave that you may find helpful as shit! You may also pick up supplies and a map of the continent. Speak to Dogsbane the Friendly, he will surely be of much assistance.”

Olena Donovan-Jones pockets the parchment copy within her fifty-pocketed tunic. She will surely be the packhorse of the troupe, carrying many helpful items, potions, poisons, trinkets, Pogs, and paper clips.

Daring the Bold sheathes his sword, much to the relief of the bar clientele. He will surely be the warrior of the troupe, slaying demons, monsters, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and termites with his vast experience with hand weapons.

Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2 snaps his fingers and, as if tugged by an invisible cord, a mug of cornmeal mead flies into his open hand from three tables away! A mage! He surely be the spellcaster of the troupe, proving himself more useful than meets the eye. Hopefully. Henrik is still dumb as a bag of rocks, but he is adept with magicks.

“Then it is settled,” the gypsy cackles, drifting backwards slowly into the dark, shadowed corner of the tavern. “I’ll be here if you need any assistance. Good luck on your Quest, Brave Three… you’re going to need it…” the gypsy snickers.

She trips as she backs into the corner, losing three more HP points.

Summary

Something surely feels off about the Gypsy, but the three new companions put the idea out of their heads. An exciting Quest of dungeons, dragons, and dungeons & dragons awaits! Daring the Bold! Henrik of SubGloobus Theta 2! Olena Donovan-Jones! Brought together by fate, the three must work together for a common goal!

Getting their affairs in order, the three exit the tavern and head south. Then they get their bearings and head northwest. Daring is familiar with the location of SubGloobus Tau 12, but none know of Dogsbane the Friendly. The first mission is to seek him out and gather the information he may have.

Now I gotta go. My mom is calling me for dinner! SpaghettiOs! So long, weary travelers. Until next time, this is Your Gloriousness the Dungeon Master signing off!

…Shut the fuck up, mom! I’m coming!