Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 – “Plasmids”! In the previous installment, Nick Fury shows up at Peter Parker’s school to let him know that there’s nothing he can do about anything. Just please don’t kill him if Norman Osborn asks you to, ok son? That would be mean.

Parker tells Aunt May to not get involved with the Osborns anymore. The only Osbournes that Aunt May should be keeping an eye on are the antics of Ozzy, Sharon, Kelly, and Jack! That was on TV in 2002! Seems like yesterday!

As Spider-Man, Parker confronts the Green Goblin. He doesn’t get anywhere with that. The Green Goblin kidnaps MJ. That’s a doozy, and likely what most of this issue will cover.

Remember when Ozzy Osbourne was all like “mprhm mphrmrrmhm muuuhhrm huumuhhhhh”? He was only 44 at the time! Funny stuff.

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #25 [October, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Plasmids”

MJ looks five kinds of dead on the cover. RIP. Should’ve just ignored Peter Parker in school like almost everyone else.

The Green Goblin stole Parker’s girlfriend right in front of his spidery, milky eyeballs. Harry Osborn, who was standing five inches away from her, is also horror struck.

Flashback to 20 minutes ago. Harry Osborn is undergoing a dimly lit, closed eyes, bedroom hypnosis session! Quite the sexy session, although he kept most of his clothes on, it seems.

“What does your father do for a living, Harry?”
“He is a scientist and a biochemical engineer.”
“Do you know what that means?”
“Not really. But we’re rich.”

I wish being an engineer made you rich. IN THIS ECONOMY? I sleep on a haystack.

“How did your mother die, Harry?
*pause*
“In a fire.”
“Did you see it happen? Could you have saved her, Harry?”
“I don’t know.”

…

“Your mother loved you, Harry. Your mother and father both love you. And with your father gone, your father loves you twice as much.”

Hypnotizing away daddy issues would be a multibillion dollar business.

“So, Harry, how are the rest of the students treating you now that you are back in school?”
“Uh– um… They, you know, some of them are fine, and others are weird.”
“What do you mean by weird, Harry?”
“Um, I think it’s the money, really.”
“You mean your wealth?”
“Yeah.”

Brainwashing seems to be over for now. Harry does on to explain that he has always been the richest kid in school, and the ones who care about his money aren’t really his friends anyway.

The hypnotist is named Dr. Warren, and he tells young Harry that he has a good attitude! Unlike those other rich teenagers in the country that only care that their friends want them to think they have money. What is money, anyway, other than bits of paper. A social construct! Economics is made up! And furthermore, w–

“In fact, my best friends are coming over for dinner tonight,” Harry continues with a hazy smile, “You should stay and meet them.”

Peter Parker and MJ Watson? Those nerds? Whatever you say, son. You should get some real friends. Rich friends! Friends that like your money.

Anyway, MJ’s been cool. Peter Parker’s been slightly weird, but I guess he has some personal shit he’s going through. Puberty pains. Peeing the bed. Dead Uncle Syndrome.

Therapy worked! Just look at Harry, he’s looking the doc up and down, ready to jump his bones.

Dr. Warren immediately briefs Norman on his son’s session. He’s doing very well. He loves you unconditionally, like you’re Jesus or LeVar Burton. No nightmares in two weeks; his dreams are filled with visions of you and him holding hands and skipping through a flowery meadow. School’s fine. He still likes his autistic friends.

Norman asks if the “program words” are still there. Dr. Warren wants to discuss that with him…but later, because Normy Boy takes a phone call from his assistant. Whatsits, I keep forgetting her name *looks at notes, accidentally drops them in a volcano* …Ms. Brooke. Norman tells her to just come back without the Parkers, since they decided to snub his dinner invitation like rude people from rude Queens.

Please be sure to check out my new show, Rude Queens, on Bravo.

“At some point we’ll have to discuss the long term effects of Harry’s–” Dr. Warren begins, but Norman cuts him off. He cuts him off and cuts him off. Harry’s appendix is going to burst out his anus if he keeps this up, but Norman isn’t concerned one bit! It’s Goblin time! Yeah, goblin cock that is.

Norman goes to his office, pulls out a syringe full of that sweet sweet DNA-altering liquid, grabs his Goblin hood, makes his way to the rooftop of the high-rise, and sticks the needle into his goddamn neck. “Nnnn…AAH!” he sighs, smiling, suddenly in need of a change of underwear.

The syringe drops down the side of the building, assuredly impaling some poor kid’s head on the sidewalk.

This due writhes and grunts on the roof like a cow in labor. He Hulks out. His clothes rip off. All these ghostly apparitions in his vision cheer him on and/or complain with non-sequiturs like “You are death” and “Get dressed” and “Cellar door” and “My eyes itch”. They also alert Mr. Goblin Jones about Spider-Man’s appears with phrases like “He’s here” and “He’s still wearing the costume” and “He’s a mutant, he’s your son” and “Not a costume! That’s his skin. Alien mutagena!” Real schizoid stuff here. Totally normal and good.

We see the same scene from Issue #24, but this time it’s entirely from the Green Goblin’s point of view. We see why some of the Green Goblin’s responses made no sense. We see the reason for Spider-Man’s defensive and frustrated confusion. We also see how Spider-Man looks and speaks through the Green Goblin’s DNA-drug addled broken-brained mind! His speaking is distorted. His body looks nightmarishly bug-like and alarming. Disembodied voices pound into Norman’s head. I like this!

New York City’s FAVORITE creepy bugface superhero!

“His blood is your blood.”
“Symbiote!”
“Fortune 500!”
“First blood!”
“Congeal!!”
“HE MADE YOU A GOD!”
“HE MADE YOU A DOG.”
“He made you a king.”
“Plasmids carry genes that are not needed under all growth conditions–”
“Downstream genes.”
“I love him.”
“Kill him.”
“Skin him.”
“Kiss him.”
“Hate him.”
“Hug him.”
“Burn him.”

Spider-Man is trying to ask him what he ever did to Norman in the first place, why the whole Green Goblin terrorist thing, why can’t just leave him and his friends and family alone.

“I want to scratch the eyes out of my head.”
“First blood. Scratch the eyes.”
“Tell him of the circles.”
“Don’t tell him who you really are.”
“The circles!”

And this is why Norman starts suddenly talking about circles. Circles of life, circles of death, etc. etc. I’m not going to rehash it here! All the same stuff, essentially. Just more horrendous this time!

The voices keep insisting upon the circles. The circles, man, the circles! Cellar door! Come on, now. Reconstruction of melanosome motility along microtubules! This is pretty basic shit.

They start to warn Green Norman about Nick Fury, that’s he’s comin’ to getcha! Then they say “Girl!” It’s all “Fury!” and “Girl!”

And, thus, in a stunning anticlimax, Green Goblin skips and cavorts down the side of the building and scoops up MJ and here we are all over again. Spider-Man shoots his cute little webs and swings around town chasing Ol’ Greeny while MJ screams. Making a big scene.

Spider-Man is hootin’ and hollerin’ trying to get Nick Fury to show his ass NOW! and help save his girlfriend LIKE HE SAID HE WOULD! That good for-nothing one-eyed Jack! That horrible bald dingleberry!

“You’ve got to stop this. You’ve got to stop,” Spidey frantically flails as he lands on the roof where Goblin Sir waits. “Peter, please…” MJ begs, tears running down her face, “Please help me.”

Nope! Green Goober drops her.

Now I’m freeeeeeeee … Free faaaaalllin’

A helicopter arrives on the scene. Spidey dives toward his damsel in distress. She falls. He falls. She’s somewhat in shock. He’s determined to save her. And I’m hungry! I’m always hungry. Maybe I should get a snack. Oh wait, let’s see what happens here first.

Spidey is close enough to shoot his web spooge. It catches her foot. She’s an inch from the East River. The filthiest river in the northeast United States! Remember when Kramer swam in that river? I do. Everyone told him not to, and he didn’t listen! He didn’t listen! And now look at him, throwing slurs with reckless abandon! How topical.

Anyway, he saves her and starts bounding around the streets looking for a good place to check in. She’s unconscious. Or dead. PROBABLY unconscious, but she could be dead. Hard to tell the difference sometimes. Better throw her in a casket just in case.

We don’t get to know yet. This issue is over.

Final Thoughts

MJ’s not dead, you guys. We still need to keep that Gwen Stacy love triangle on a rolling boil!