Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 – “Ultimatum”! In the previous installment, Norman Osborn spends a good chunk of the issue’s real estate threatening Peter Parker and making him all sweaty and nervous. Priceless drawings of Parker looking scared out of his mind fill the issue! Good stuff. You love to see it.

MJ continues to become increasingly disconcerted about Gwen Stacy eagerly weaseling her way in between her and Parker, even though he’s a dumb kid who is oblivious to Gwen’s obvious advances.

At the end, Peter Parker gets pulled into a one-on-one with Dr. Bradley, the psychologist, and she’s not who she seems. She knows he’s Spider-Man, she knows about Doctor Octopus, she knows about Green Goblin, and there’s someone invisible in the room with them…

Do you feel that tingle? That’s suspense baby! …or a heart attack. I haven’t relalyl nticbed anlty ;pr8blmemgh othjan 98edmizoxcd zzzZzZZZz

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #24 [September, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Ultimatum”

The invisible person has still not been revealed. Parker is gesticulating panickedly and asking who these people are and what they want from him.

IT’S A NICK FURY HOLOGRAM! Or something to that effect. “Calm down, hotshot,” he tells Parker. Nick Fury wears a black leather trench coat over a turtleneck sweater like the suave drink of water that he is. “We have important things to talk about and not much time to do it in.”

He asks Parker if he knows who he is. And if so, does he also know that Fury is in charge of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Parker facepalms and answers both questions in the affirmative, and he probably thinks that his little brain is going to be sniped any second now.

“What are you doing in my high school? How do you know who I am?

WHY SON, do you think the fucking CEO BOSSMAN HEAD HONCHO OF S.H.I.E.L.D. is going to remain ignorant about SPIDER CHILDREN cavorting around THE BIGGEST CITY IN THE COUNTRY? Bitch, please.

He’s also the centerfold in this month’s Playgirl.

Fury turns to Dr. Bradley. “How do we know about Peter exactly?” he asks, clearly having not done his homework before apparrating onto the school grounds.

“Um, let’s see, a bunch of ways. The Osborn Industries security tape, Otto Octavius hypnosis transcripts, the Latverian assault at the U.N. …”

Peter facepalms harder. Can’t get away with anything, can you? Big Brother is always watching! Watching while playing with himself.

Here’s the real skinny: you’re famous in these clandestine government agency circles because a fucking spider bit you and now you do spidery things. That’s not normal, buddy. There’s been a close eye on you, and things are complicated because you’re still a minor and we can’t just drag you in to run experiments on you like a certain someone did with a certain scientist-turned-octopus!

And now since Norman Osborne is horning himself into the mix, it’s getting even more complicated. Time for the talk! Here it goes *ahem* *shuffles notecards* …when a man loves a woman, he puts–

“I-I-I-I would like to see some identification,” Parker stammers all jittery. Nick Fury laughs at that. Yeah right. Like a badge or something? Children…

You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? You want the truth? YOU want the TRUTH… ok, you can handle it. Norman Osborn is going to order you to kill Nick Fury. And if you don’t do it, he’s going to split your dick down the middle and twist it into a pretzel.

And there’s nothing we can do to stop any of it! Heh heh heh…well, so long!

Parker was on his way out of the room, but this new information causes the twerp to do an about-face and listen to what this One-Eyed Jack has to say. “Why would Osborn want to kill you?” he asks, likely as gruff as a fifteen-year-old going through puberty can muster.

Great, thanks for asking this question, Parker. Now Fury gets all long-winded about it, filling my page with endless speech bubbles with tiny text in them. Why would I want to read? If I wanted to read I would pray for literacy.

HERE, I’LL PARAPHRASE IT RIGHT HERE FOR YOU. Norman Osborn’s genetic experiment was originally being created for S.H.I.E.L.D. as a “super soldier” serum. Many companies were competing for S.H.I.E.L.D.’s attention, but Oscorp had the best titties and won the bid. Unfortunately, he actually sucked major ass. After over two years he had absolutely nothing to give them. So S.H.I.E.L.D. said VAMOOSE to this smelly loser. Norman mad, bro. He had to save face, what with all the invested time and money, and marketed his project to the public as a…thing that would revolutionize humanity. But he didn’t have anything yet. So he continued to suck major ass at a faster pace. The spider bite incident motivated him even further, since it was cool that something his company created actually did something! And then he slowly ran off the rails, injected his balls with Oz serum, destroyed his lab, burned down his house, possibly molested his son, and now this!

Sorry, even the paraphrasing was long-winded.

Well, it’s not that easy. First of all, I’d have to get off the couch. Second of all, I’m still reeling from 9/11…

The giant elephant in the room is why the hell this big, powerful, secret government organization needs a 15-year-old to be involved? Are you high, sir? He has geometry homework and a curfew.

Well, son, technically Norman Osborn is off-limits for S.H.I.E.L.D. Don’t ask him why! It’s “complicated”. I guess American governments can’t spy on other Americans on American soil, which is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever heard and I’ve heard a big load of shit plop into a toilet. “It’s against the law,” Fury says, not understanding how government agencies work in this country.

The bottom line is: this visit is only happening so that they could let Parker know that he’s screwed and on his own! Good luck, buddy! Also, by the way, Osborn was trying to recreate the spidery aftereffects of Parker’s situation, and instead he ended up goblinizing himself! Isn’t that funny?? Anyway, again, good luck!

“We can’t touch Osborn until he does something wrong,” Fury explains, as if to a child.“What? He threatened me and my–” Parker sputters, as if to a grown-up.
“Yes. But we technically don’t know that.”
“He killed his wife.”
“We don’t know that.”
“We sure do.”
“Oh, do you have forensic evidence to back that up? Because I don’t–”

Good God, Nick Fury. Why is S.H.I.E.L.D. even around? Sounds like a bunch of useless cops to me, copping around doing nothing helpful ever in the 9000 years that cops have been on this planet.

Parker gets INCREDULOUS! This Norman Osborn guy SUCKS! Lock him up and eat the key, then poop out the key, then throw away the key!

Nick Fury maintains a friendly, patient demeanor. It’s quite condescending. I’d feel condescended toward if I were in Peter Parker’s smelly shoes. It doesn’t matter what Parker thinks or feels or does or says or eats or drinks! S.H.I.E.L.D. is not supposed to be spying on Norman Osborn. ERGO, Sparky, they’re not supposed to know anything that they find out. It’s that simple. Don’t make Nick Fury cut a switch!

Nick Fury has been neutered. Someone should call the feds.

Here’s the plan. Are you listening? Look at me when I’m talking to you, you teenage asshole. You are going to say know when Norman Osborn sidles up next to and whispers into your ear “do me a favor and kill Nick Fury please”. You say no! Stand your ground! Don’t say yes. Do you need to write that down? At that point, Osborn will either engage with you directly right there, or he’ll go after your aunt or girlfriend or whatever. I heard that your uncle is dead? Well, he won’t go after him then! lol. Anyway, the second he threatens you or one of your loved ones, that’s when S.H.I.E.L.D. swoops in to the rescue!… as long as it can be proven, that is. If he does it in a dark closet, then you’re out of luck.

Parker hates this plan, but whatever. Fine.

“And what if you’re not there?” Parker asks grimly.
“We will be there,” Fury responds.
“And what if you’re not? See what I’m saying?” Parker responds back, teeth gritted now in a feral rictus.
“We will be,” Fury responds.

Parker starts flapping his arms like a hyperactive little bird. “You weren’t here at the school that time! You weren’t there when he killed his wife! You weren’t there when he–”

Nick Fury moves on; he doesn’t have time to be argued at with salient, logical points! He tells Parker to keep this stuff on the down-low. Don’t tell anyone anything! People will die faster if he says anything to anybody. See that red-head over there, the one peering through the window, staring directly into your eyes, and making the blowjob motions? Don’t tell her either.

This is the worst day ever! Parker starts storming out again, tells them to leave him the fuck alone. He didn’t ask for any of this! He just wants to be a normal kid! Wait…did you say blowjob motions?

“Peter, optimism is a revolutionary act,” Fury tells him emptily.
“Who told you that? The guy who poked out your eye?” Parker shoots back.

That got a genuine lol from me. Fury stands up quickly with clenched fits, much to Dr. Bradley’s surprise! He walks right over to Parker, gets right up in his face. Parker could lick his nose if he wanted to. “Yes,” Fury sneers with a sneering scowl.

Parker apologizes. Fury’s cool now. The kid leaves and starts walking through the hall like a forlorn lump. He spots Harry and MJ down the hall. He turns around and books it! They look surprised and hurt.

That’s strange. Parker never acts weird and jumpy and nervous and weak and high strung all day, every day, from the moment he was born until the day he’s dead!

This storyline has been one bout of terrifying bad luck after another, hasn’t it? I’m eating it up over here like so much delicious Ben & Jerry’s ice cream. The ice cream flavor with Chance the Rapper’s fuckin’ face on it. Parker is heading to the sanctuary of his home, but he sees a limousine parked outside and he literally shits his pants for the eighteenth time in this series. I’ve been keeping track!

Aunt May has been chatting with whatshername, Norman Osborn’s assistant lady. Ms. Brooke. The Osborns have invited the (alive) Parkers over for dinner in the city! Get your coat, Petey.

Ok, no, screw this. Peter pulls his aunt aside and speaks candidly with her: “I– I don’t want you involved in this– in this– this thing with them… Norman Osborn– he isn’t a nice man, Aunt May. He– he might be a criminal.”
“Really?” she replies, stunned.
“I just– I did some research on him. You know, on the web, and I–”

WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER?! Research on the web, is it? In 2002? Ha! OK. Get your coat, Petey.

Nah, Aunt May listens to the little shitbird. “Never met a man with money who hadn’t stepped on someone to get it,” she says to herself out loud, aping an old adage that Uncle Ben used to say from time to time. In between making his famous rice!

May tells Ms. Brooke that they’re not going after all. Ms. Brooke takes it in stride and maybe they’ll see them another time, perhaps. BYE BYE! IT’S SPIDER-MAN TIME!

That’s right, a last hurrah. Ultimate Spider-Man famously ends at Issue #24.

Aunt May is way more important to Parker than cavorting around in red jammies, which he loves to do, don’t get him wrong, but if her life’s in danger then it might be wise to hang it up from here on out…

“And screw that Nick Fury guy!” he yells to himself as he swings this way and that around the city, “My Aunt’s being loaded into that maniac’s limo and where is he?” At home? Jerking himself off? Putting cream on his tender eye socket?? “I’ll run to the cops– I’ll run to the FBI– I’ll pull off my mask and I’ll say or do whatever it takes to get Osborn away from me and my Aunt.”

Spider-Man swings his way to a rooftop where a smiling cloaked goblin awaits smiling and cloaked! “I thought I told you throw that costume away,” Mr. Goblin snarls. “I thought you drowned in the East River,” Spidey retorts.

The Marjorie Taylor Greene Goblin’s fiery eyes light, surely delighting it what’s to come next.

“What did I do to you exactly? Why are you in my life?” Spider-Man asks with puberty-fueled 15-year-old petulance. Goblin Man shouldn’t be mad at him! He brought this upon himself! In fact, Spider-Man is the one who should be mad! It was Osborn’s spider who bit him! “I should sue the crap out of you! What do you think of that?”

Goblin glares with a great gobliny grin. Spider-Man keeps talking. “I don’t want any part of this! I don’t want to be part of whatever it is you’re up to. Do you even know what it is you’re up to? Do you even know why you’re picking on me?”

You’re more twisted than a double helix, I’ll you that one for free!

Here’s Green Goblin’s response: “Circles!! Circles of life. Circles of death. Circles of Hell. Circles of pain. Circles of responsibility.”

Spider-Man has had enough of this sack of bolts and screws. Goblin yammers about responsibility and what Spider-Man owes him. Spider-Man tells Goblin to eat shit and leave him alone. In either order. Goblin repeats his vague, cryptic nonsense and scurries down the side of the building.

At this moment, MJ exits a limo outside of the Osborn building. Harry greets her with smiles and jokes and laughs and japes and merriment and fun and– where’s Peter? Isn’t Peter supposed to be here? Where’s Peter? WHERE’S PETER?!?!? Oh, he should be here soon? Ok. Anyway, I– OH MY GOD!

*snatch*

That’s the sound of the Green Goblin stealing MJ away. Kidnapping, see?

“AAAAAIIIEEEEE!!” she screams.

“No…” Spider-Man barely says.

FINAL THOUGHTS

My favorite thing about Spider-Man, compared to any other superhero that I’ve read about so far, is his tendency to speak to his enemies realistically. It’s all stuff like “you’re being President Jerk from the Federated States of Hell”, and I like that.

Well, that’s not particularly realistic! You know what I mean.