“Buffy Summers, a high school sophomore, transfers to Sunnydale High. There she meets her new ‘Watcher’ and learns she cannot escape her true destiny.“

This is exciting, isn’t it folks! Let the adventure unfold. It’s too bad the first 25 episodes of the show suck ass, but that’s the price to pay for LORE and MYTHOLOGY and HILARIOUS XANDER HIJINKS.

“In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.”

This is the voiceover that will serve as the intro for the next 800 episodes. He sounds like some EXTREME ’90s DUDE, like he’s introducing Hulk “Terry” Hogan to the ring.

We begin traversing the dark hallways of the school after hours. Toward some double doors… toward the science classroom… under the desks… across the, uh, table by the window… a teenage boy punches through the window from outside like he thinks he’s the shit. He ain’t the shit. I can tell from his flipped-up hairstyle. A teenage girl follows him into the empty school. He’s looking to do some straight-up bonin’. She, understandably, is hesitant and perhaps a little bit disgusted. I would be if some guy wanted to straight-up bone me at 3am in a high school.

After some “let’s do this” and “we’ll get in trouble”, a noise is heard down the hallway. This teenager in a fucking leather jacket is like “there’s nobody ‘ere”. Then the girl turns into a scary vampire and bites him on the neck! I’m terrified! Is this what the show is going to be like?! I’m too scared to continue! Help! Help!

I’d still tap it! Hardy har har!

*intro*

Buffy tosses and turns in her bed, dreaming of fire and cemeteries and horrible demons and Morrissey. She wakes up confused, especially about the Morrissey part. No time to dwell on it, though. It’s the big day! Time for school! Fractions and Latin and To Kill a Mockingbird and wedgies and swirlies and trauma and misery and depression and suicide. Except this is outside of Los Angeles and it’s always sunny. The lockers are outside! Isn’t that nuts?

Her mom tells her to try not to get kicked out of this school. Wait, hold on, is that Xander rolling in on a goddamned skateboard. I’m fucking dying right now. That’s atrocious. Enter Willow, dressed like a 1870s American Girl doll.

Principal Flutie, who will die in about five episodes, senses the delinquent that is Buffy Summers (she burned down the gym in the old school killin’ vampires) and gives her a stern talking-to. But don’t worry, he’s a coooool guy! Just watch it, delinquent.

In the hallways, Xander bumps into Buffy and does his awkward “hey there hello I’m a coooool guy” thing, which she doesn’t find impressive in the least. He embarrasses himself for comic relief. I embarrass myself writing about it. She drops her pointy wooden stake in the hallway, the thing she uses to kill Mexicans. And vampires. It’s not me who’s racist, I’m not killing Mexicans.

Enter Cordelia, who attempts to make friends with Buffy not knowing that she’s a complete dork. That friendship is going to last exactly fourteen seconds.

Now it’s library time. Buffy enters looking for textbooks. Giles swoops in like an accidental pedophile and presents her with a large tome with “VAMPYR” written on the cover, which is spelled wrong. He has a big smile on his face while Buffy stares at his face like every type of cancerous mole in the world is popping up on his face. “That’s not what I’m looking for…” she mumbles, backing off. She runs out of the library, leaving poor Giles confused and hopefully not horny.

Not my style. Got anything by Kurt Vonnegut?

The teenager who was bitten earlier? They find his body stuffed in the locker of a girl’s locker room. A girl screams, but I don’t see why… and then, at second glance, it’s because he’s dead and dead bodies are scary. Much scarier than alive bodies. It depends, actually.

Buffy introduces herself to Willow. Xander pops in with his friend Jesse, who is going to die quickly. That’s ok, he’s ugly. Xander returns Buffy’s wooden stake, which causes her to gibber and twitch. Xander has a five o’clock shadow because Nicholas Brendon is, at the time of this episode’s production, 47 years old. Cordelia stops by to tell them all that a dead body was found in a locker. The camera zooms in on Buffy, who has a face like “oh no this is bad”.

Welcome to the ’90s. We’ve got giant shirts.

Later, Buffy sneaks into the girl’s locker room where the dead guy still lies, for some reason. No one came by to collect it, which is lucky for Buffy. She gets to see the two holes in his neck, confirming Death by Vampire (the third-most common cause of death in the Los Angeles metropolitan area). Buffy returns to the library, where Giles gives the Slayer spiel and the Hellmouth spiel. One spiel after another. She doesn’t want to hear it; she retired from the life of Slaying. Burning down the gym was kind of the last straw there. Giles stares at her like she’s got every type of cancerous… you know the rest.

Giles is very insistent that Buffy should step up and start killing all the demons and ghoulies that will surely rise out of the ground to start gnawing on necks and spreading their feces wherever they like. Obviously, Buffy doesn’t want to hear this shit at all. She doesn’t want to hear this shit even though, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, a very bizarre Satanic ritual is taking place in a decadently decorated cavern right under the school! Like the mouth of Hell, it is.

Come on, kiddo, listen to your School Dad.

Joyce Summers and Buffy have a heart-to-heart about the new school and the new life, how she’s very optimistic that her daughter won’t FUCK EVERYTHING UP THIS TIME. Buffy is getting ready to go to the Bronze, where she will freak dance with sweaty pimple-faced 15-year-olds. On her way she gets accosted by Angel, who I can’t believe is in the first episode. He’s good-looking! Not at all fat and lumpy like he is on SEAL Team, a show for dunces.

Angel isn’t angsty or mopey yet. He’s putting on this tough guy façade, which is undermined by his puffy shirt with the huge collar. “You’re standing on the mouth of Hell… and it’s about to open… don’t turn your back on this… you’ve got to be ready.” Thanks, rapist.

Fun Fact: David Boreanaz’s dad is a retired weatherman. Wait… that fact isn’t fun at all.

He gifts her with a shiny new cross! It’s like garlic that actually works.

The Bronze is fully of teens who are dressed like dads bopping to the hip kids music. Willow is there, which is ridiculous. She and Buffy chat about boys, which not only fails the Bechdel Test but essentially crashes an airplane right into it. During their talk, Buffy notices Giles on the upper floor looking around like a total sex offender and she takes her leave before he spots her.

Giles does corner Buffy, who scolds her like the father figure that he is. “This is a breeding ground for vampire activity!” he wails in his admittedly charming British accent. His opinion is that a Slayer should be able to sense a vampire in a room without even seeing or thinking, and when she does sense a vampire in the room without even seeing or thinking, he’s all “that isn’t a vampire”. But it is, and he’s hitting on poor little Willow. Delicate as a flower. Or at least a willow. Time to skulk and get stabby!

The is the loudest English pub I’ve ever been in!

She thinks she has cornered the vampire, but it’s something even more frightening: Cordelia. This encounter, wherein Buffy accidentally threatens her with the stake, cinches Cordelia’s opinion once and for all that Buffy is a lunatic who likes to wave pointy wood around. Meanwhile Jesse — remember, this is Xander’s friend and he’ll die very soon, so don’t worry. He’s ugly. — bumps into the vampire girl from the beginning of the episode. Her name is Darla. She’s going to be rude to him with the teeth and the gnashing soon.

Down underground, the vampire ritual in the decadently decorated cavern has worked! Up comes the Master, a real Voldemort-looking motherfucker who looks weak enough that even I could snap him like a twig. And I have trouble snapping twigs. He’s going to be the Big Bad, and it’s quite pathetic.

RAWR! Avada Kedavra! *fart noise*

Meanwhile, Willow is being led into the cemetery by Vampire Douchebag #3. Xander knows Buffy is the Slayer. They’re going to go save Willow now.

Willow gets trapped in a crypt with the vampire. Darla follows suit, with Jesse in tow. He’s all bitten up because of Darla. He’s going to die. He’s ugly.

Buffy is here to save the day! She stabs Vampire Douchebag #3, then she and Darla have a fist fight. Not very stabby, but she scares Darla all the same with her strength and cunning and encyclopedic knowledge of vampire stabbing. This other vampire, Luke, the one who raised the Master, he’s not scared of her at all. It’s Harvest time, and no one’s going to get in the vampires’ way with the Harvest stuff. We’ll see more of that in Episode 2.

To be continued. Wasn’t that fun, boys and girls. I was in rare form today!

Next Time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Season 1, Episode 2 — “The Harvest”
Xander and Willow plant seeds in their garden and learn that they accidentally grew a whole mess of weeds. They are arrested by cops, who throw them in prison forever.