Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 – “Say Goodbye”!

In the previous issue of the Superman: No Limits collection, Superman and Wonder Woman spend about 100,000,000 years fighting demons in Valhalla while never changing their clothes. Lois is jealous that he’s with Wonder Woman and then gets all insecure about whether or not she’s a good wife.

Superman didn’t fuck Wonder Woman at all the whole time, so there’s that.

In the previous issue of Superman (Vol. 2), Mongul is a big, scary guy from another part of the universe who was launched across space by a guy who is even bigger and scarier than Mongul! Superman freaks out because Mongul is pretty big and scary, so this other guy must be something else, man. Mongul helps train Superman, which is crazy in of itself too. Some serious crap must be really going down, holy bejeebus.

Superman (Vol. 2), Issue #153 [February, 2000]
Written by: Jeph Loeb
“Say Goodbye”

“AND WITH IMPERIEX THERE SHALL COME AN END TO ALL!”

Comic book universes are so lame. There’s always some big robot dude from space named “Robtrox” or “Galacticobus” or “Pontifex” who flies on down to Earth to destroy humanity and there’s always some blowjob in tights like Superman who’s always ready to shoot these guys in the mouth with their laser eyes. I’m SICK of it!

With Imperiex there shall come an end to all, huh? Not soon enough.

I think Lois narrates over some space imagery. “When I first started turning in stories, Perry took particular delight in circling my misspelled words with a red marker.” She liked the idea that someone was actually reading her dribble, but man did she make a lot of mistakes. Always misspelling words like “filibuster” and “newspaper” and “Lois”.

Perry would always write the same thing at the end of every reviewed page: “-30-”

WHAT DID THIS MEAN?! A score of 30/100, you fail, go back to school? Did it mean her story would be buried on page 30?? And that’s crazy because the Daily Planet only has four pages and three are dedicated to the comics! So, one day, after about seventeen years of receiving this “-30-” notes, Lois finally works up the nerve to ask her employer. what the fuck that shit means

Here was his response: “It’s the end.”

Yeah, because here at the Daily Planet we love to be passive aggressive to our hard-working employers by putting cryptic messages in the edits AND not answering in a straightforward manner when asked about said cryptic messages. Really healthy work environment.

See, and he even has mood swings! Go work at a Dunkin’ Donuts, they treat people right.

It took a while for Lois to put together the puzzle pieces (there were two of them), but she finally cracked the code. “-30-” is ancient newspaper shorthand for “you’re done, this story is good to go, thank you and goodbye, now where’s my moonshine, daddy needs a little liquid courage before chucking eggs at William Howard Taft’s estate.”

Lois is trimming a Christmas tree while waiting for her hubby to come home from another night of “saving the world”, which is what he always tells her. The end is right, though. Perry had a good point: “It’s the end.” It’s end of the year, the decade, the millennium. It’ll still be a while before 9/11, so that’s plenty of time to take stock on life before dying in a terrorist attack. And, for some reason, her whole life revolves around Clark Nose-Pickin’ Kent.

Speak of the devil! Superman himself pays Jimmy Olsen a visit on top of the Daily Planet building, a really popular hangout among delinquent staff members and cockroaches alike. Jimmy is cold, and Superman shoots him with heat vision to get him all warm and toasty. A real mensch, this guy.

Jimmy shrugs and looks at his shoes sheepishly like a nine-year-old who was caught burning squirrels with a magnifying glass. “Are we still pals? I mean after all the trouble I caused with my ‘Mrs. Superman’ photograph?”

OF COURSE NOT BUDDY! *claps Jimmy on the back, sending him flying to Indonesia* CHECK THIS OUT! *flashes ring* I AM MARRIED AFTER ALL! DO YOOOOUUU HAVE ONE OF THESE??

I’ll screw up your face something fierce, you little punk.

So, yes, while Jimmy really boned Superman by putting his dumb wife in jeopardy, Jimmy also stood up for the superhero when no one else would. Again and again and again and again and again and again. So, he’s going to let you in on a little secret… it’s a juicy one! Ready? Sh-

“We must leave at once. It was not a request,” booms the voice of what’s-his-face. Mongul. He towers over the two of them, arms akimbo, groin right in their faces. Superman frowns up at his new buddy. “I need more time,”

MORE TIME? MORE TIME?? HOW’S THIS FOR MORE TIME??? *wiggles junk around*

Imperiex has reentered the universe, son! Do you even KNOW what that means? …oh, you do. Very well, then. SO THERE IS NO MORE TIME! This big, burly dude already ate a bowl of galaxies for breakfast. If we don’t stop him now, QUADRILLIONS more will die! Do you know how many zeroes that is? Shake a leg, nerd.

Loud and clear, Skeletor. He needs to tell Jimmy one more thing: “Please find Clark Kent and Lois Lane and tell them ‘beef bourguignon with ketchup’.”

…

OK, Mongul! Ready when you are!

Lois has been narrating all this time about being a wife, it’s all very inessential. She comments that her father invited her over for the holidays, likely because her sister Lucy got knocked up by a black guy and there are a lot of bottled-up racist rants ready to be unleashed during Christman dinner. He didn’t invite Clark at all, so either her dad hates that dude’s guts or he just merely forgot! At any rate, Lois is relieved. It kind of makes things easier.

Superman and Mongul fly through space looking for this Imperiex guy. Keep a lookout, he’ll be the one wearing a hat. They both fly past Saturn, which looks roughly three times larger than the two of them. I’m no PLANETICIAN, but that sounds right to me.

“For the past few weeks, Clark… Superman has been training with a kind of outer-space version of Adolf Hitler,” Lois explains, “Mongul could and should drown in the blood of the innocents slaughtered in his name.”

You couldn’t even finish an episode of The Goldbergs in the time it took Superman and Mongul to find Imperiex. THE DESTROYER OF GALAXIES!! He’s wearing a sort of knight’s helmet complete with a little fluffy plume! He’s building something massive. I could flick this guy to Andromeda with my fingers.

Yeah? He looks like a cuddly-wuddly little baby to me!

Imperiex tells these mofos to am-scray, then shoots bolts of electricity from his fist. Superman goes “ARRRGH!”

Lois keeps trimming the tree, scared that her hubby might not come home. Scared that he’s been brainwashed by Space Hitler. Scared that he’ll come home to do some Space Holocausting, a skill that he had picked up on the road.

Superman grunts and groans, eyes squinting in pain. “Even though it was an unprovoked attack,” he breathes, intestines falling out through his anus, “we should still try to negoti–”

NEIN! SPACE HITLER DOES NOT NEGOTIATE! So don’t hold back! Mongul will blast him with hot! Superman will blast him with cold! This guy is gonna be so warm and comfortable his head will spin like a top!

“Your efforts are pointless,” Imperiex declares as he blasts these two idiots with more energy beams. He’s going to get ready to destroy the Milky Way galaxy! His giant slingshot is already stationed on Messier 51 and ready to go.

“You still have to get past me,” Superman grimaces and starts giving this guy everything he’s got! Which isn’t much. Same old tricks. Punch zap punch punch zap.

“An apt pupil, after all,” Mongul smiles. Zap punch zap. “You’ve actually staggered him. Keep the pressure on. DO NOT LET UP FOR EVEN A MOMENT!”

Ok, ok, stop yelling at me. Jesus.

Imperiex laughs and scoffs! This fuckin’ guy, this Mongul. Imperiex already threw him across the universe the first time, has he learned absolutely nothing. Well, second time’s the charm! FLING!

“MONGUL…!” Superman yells as his butt buddy flies off into nothingness, lost forever to the stars. They had a good run.

Pork ‘n beans! Pork ‘n beans! Thank you for your time!.

We depart from the suspense to see Jimmy delivering the important message to an already-exasperated Lois. Jimmy is huffing and puffing because he took the stairs to Lois and Clark’s 2nd floor apartment, lmao. No, actually, I think they’re on floor 188?

What’s the message? Spit it out, son.

“Well, it’s, uh…” he looks like a terrified child, “beef bourguignon with ketchup.”

…

…

Cool, thanks.

*slam*

Actually, Lois knows what this message means and begrudgingly invites Jimmy in. She looks grateful when he has other plans. They exchange Merry Christmas-related pleasantries and part ways.

Now, I think it’s nice that Superman gave Jimmy their safe words to relay to Lois, but it seems to me that this did nothing but cause Lois to worry even more! Maybe it means “I’m going to die right now and I’m never, ever coming back. Cheers!”

More Lois narration while Superman saves Mongul and they both head back to the fray. “When Clark was growing up in Kansas, everyone had to be aware they were living in the Tornado Corridor…”

Ugh. Okay, so back in Hicksville, Kansas, the Kents made up a secret phrase to tell a messenger in case one of them got separated. This was obviously back before phones, and, obviously, back before it was ok to just say something like “tell Jon I’m all right”. Lois and Clark came up with their own phrase. Clark came up with something dumb and it stuck.

“Fool,” Mongul growls, “You should have kept up the assault and left me for dead.” Superman’s lollygagging might have cost them and trillions of other people their rights to, you know, live. Superman takes that to mean that they’re just doing something wrong and that the need to hit this from a different angle. Nice deflection, Superman. Mongul didn’t even notice.

Perhaps one needs to destroy the thing that Imperiex is currently building!

Nonsense with your close-mindedness. Take it from me, I’m from the breadbasket of America. AMERICA!

So Superman flies around to create a deep-space tornado while shooting lasers at the construction. We’ve hit peak stupidity but we’re cool.

“No,” Imperiex breathes. Kansas Strength prevails again, dagnabbit.

Mongul congratulates Superman for his four-second path to victory. Then he jabs him in the back with his shoulder. OOMPH! “Unfortunately, he killed you in battle, just before I could destroy him. At least… that’s what I’ll tell them all when I bring back your dead body.”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!

Mongul is the Final Boss today! “Did you really think I would let the way you humiliated my father go unpunished?” Ah, so this is about MALE INSECURITY, is it? I should’ve known!

But oh ho ho, Superman knew this was going to happen! He knows EVERYTHING! “Thanks to Aquaman, I got into contact with an old… friend before you and I left.” Then he pulls out a bright blue glowstick and blinds Mongul with it. Then he jabs him in the ribs with three fingers. Then he pokes him in the eyes like Moe.

WHY I OUGHTA

Mongul yells uncle. But Superman doesn’t follow the rules of uncle! He punches him in the face instead!

“You think I’m weaker because I hold back. But I’m stronger because I do,” he says, and we could all learn a lesson from this objectively incorrect statement. Go for the nuts at all times, I always say!

A Sons of Anarchy demon rides up on his Sons of Anarchy Space Motorcycle, riced out with chrome dolphins and a bird skull fender. “You done with that? He’s got a bounty on him in about nine galaxies.”

Lobo. This guy is named Lobo. Superman hands Mongul over and bids Lobo a Merry Christmas, which I would have to opine, with a gun to my head, is a holiday he doesn’t celebrate too often.

It’s almost midnight in the Beef Bourguignon with Ketchup homestead. Lois stares out the window. This fucker had better be back before the bell tolls or she’s going to withhold sex for another five years.

“Perry asked me to come up with something special for the year-end edition of the Daily Planet,” she says. A crossword puzzle sounds nice, but no. It had to be a Superman-related story. The last one of the century. And maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Making a crossword puzzle seems way more fun.

A wooshing rainbow tells Lois that Superman is home. That crossword puzzle is gonna have to wait!

EPILOGUE! Spelled without the “ue”. Why not, let’s save some time!

Can’t spell “epilog” without “pile”… wait for it … of shit.

HERE’S YOUR EPILOG: Imperiex wasn’t actually Imperiex! Imperiex is his boss, and he’s about 50,000 times larger, and he’s gonna crush that punk Superman next time he’s hanging around Earth.

Final Thoughts

Merry Christmas from all your friends in the Year 1999! Boris Yeltsen is going to resign in a week and Vladimir Putin will be in charge! Just another Y2K day, know what I’m sayin’? I’m sure we’ll never hear about that guy again.