Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2) Issue #2 – “Zodiac (Part 2)”! In the previous installment, a group of twelve angry men (more like ten angry men and two angry women), calling themselves the Zodiac, may or may not be up to no good. It’s unclear at the moment.

Well, so far, one member of the Zodiac believes that the Avengers stole a thing from them. The thing in question looks like a scary red time capsule. A large bull named Taurus, a bull so large that even god himself (Thor) can’t hit him with a hammer hard enough! He’s mad that the Avengers stole the scary red time capsule from them, when it was actually the American military? I think? Hulk was beating them up, so they didn’t get very far on the stealing part. But Hawkeye and Black Widow did steal the army truck that the capsule was in. So…technically…the Avengers did steal it?

This is a fucking sitcom is what it is.

Avengers Assemble (Vol. 2), Issue #2 [June, 2012]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Zodiac (Part 2)”

I like how the Hulk is big and green and mean and scary with jagged fingernails and ripped pants, but he has perfect teeth. White and straight. Give him some fangs or something, for crying out loud.

Backstory reveals the watery figure that Hulk encountered while the army showed up is a member of the Zodiac criminal gang. Maybe Aquarius? I’m gonna guess Aquarius. Aquarius is a reasonable guess here. Aquarius.

Also, Hawkeye and Black Widow encountered Taurus in Europe. Doesn’t say where, though. I’m going to guess Plovdiv, Bulgaria.

The issue begins with many, many, many panels of talking between two unseen individuals. One is leader of the Zodiac, the other is presumably the dude who tugs the marionette strings of the leader of the Zodiac. Views of planets and stars and moons and asteroids and all manner of cosmic splendor are backdropped by this awkward conversation.

“Can I ask you something without sounding disrespectful?”
“That is entirely up to you.”

You can tell that Mr. Puppet Master is talking when his speech bubbles are all SQUIGGLY and OTHERWORLDLY. That’s called a clue, son.

“Why us? And again, I mean no disrespect.”
“Can’t you just be happy that you have been chosen to lead the Zodiac?”

Zodiac Guy stammers and backpedals. Mr. Puppet Master gets touchy about this conversation, thinking that Zodiac Guy is yearning for validation, some attaboys for being CHOSEN and all that.

“What is it you want from us? Please, I–”
“Silence. I will answer you. I want balance. I want cosmic, controlled balance. For once and for all time, I want there to be an order to the chaos.”

Sounds reasonable to me! When asked where the balance is and why there is no balance, the Angry Godlike Entity blames Earth. Earth! Stinky Earth! “For millennia, your world has been used as a genetic petri dish by alien races who say they are your friends…but treat you as test animals. Testing you, altering you. And because of this, your evolution has been retarded and demented.”

Whoa now, let’s not just throw that R-word around. Heh heh… getting kind of tense in here, don’t you think? Uh… here, let me open a window. Get a nice breeze going.

“Because you’re too much of a wimp to actually do anything with the power. See how that works?”

In short, the human race is too fucked up to evolve to its potential. AND, to add insult injury, you guys are losers who always need help from aliens and martians and other higher beings, and when they interact with you, they fuck you up even more. You get double-fucked, and there’s no one who can help you with that. Not even Santa Claus.

Not until this guy came along.

“I chose you and you chose the Zodiac. Now you have the power.”

Cool, man, Meanwhile, a jeep full of dudes rolls up to secret armory on the island of Curaçao. It’s loaded with guns. Huge guns. Big, mean, angry guns. These guns are perfect for shooting up elementary schools and daycares in the United States.

These guys want to buy every gun in the armory, but the structure is immediately blown up by a couple of Zodiac Killers: Taurus, and then a guy with “69” on his chest, loooool. That’s the symbol for Cancer. It’s unfortunate, isn’t it?

“Power to act,” continues the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people, therefore stunting their evolution further, “To crush your enemies. And you be free from all the mistakes that have made your world the nightmare it is today.”

Cancer and Taurus find a purple egg in the wreckage. Villains are ALWAYS finding a purple egg for their nefarious plots. Cancer thanks the almighty cosmic helper who doesn’t see the irony of intervening to help Earth people. The cosmic helper says “you’re welcome”. So cordial. So polite.

Good thing that scene is over. At Avengers Tower, Hulk requests an audience with Captain America…from the gardener.

Oh yeah, Mr. Tough Guy? You and what army??

In Latveria, where Taurus is crushing Thor, Black Widow and Hawkeye like they were little bugs and he was a sociopathic child. Black Widow tries to contact Captain America with her Star Trek insignia transmitter, but it doesn’t work. At least not yet. He’s still having tea with the Hulk.

“I don’t know how you Avengers could possibly have known I was all the way out here or what I was doing,” booms Taurus, the Mighty Bull of the Zodiac (moo), “Do we have a leak? Is there a snitch in the Zodiac organization?”

Man, I sure hope so. Let them all eat each other alive from within! I hear Cancer Crab is delicious this time of year, as is some of that Capricorn sea goat.

Captain America doesn’t show up, but Iron Man does. He punches the bull in the face. FASHAAMMMM and whatnot.

Hawkeye lets loose one of his $9,000,000 electric arrows. It makes Taurus all buzzy and temporarily incapacitated. “I don’t know if you’re new to this,” Iron Man drawls with arrogance, “but this is the part where you accept your surrender.”

I’ll give you six guesses on whether Taurus accepts his surrender… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… wrong… right! You got it! The answer is “no he fucking doesn’t”, but Hawkeye gets him in the chest with another $45,000,000 electric arrow, which temporarily phases him back into his balding human self.

Aha, the onomatopoeia is giving me a clue! His name appears to be “Chuck”.

While Taurus is having temporary trouble looking like a giant godly bull, Iron Man’s visor is going haywire with bleeps and bloops and sneeps and snoops! His readings are CUH-RAAAAZY!! “What is he made of?” Iron Man asks himself. Probably some fake element like Bolognium or Mithril or Hydrogen. At this moment, for some reason, Taurus is all like AAAAGGGHHH about things and starts flying away. Iron Man chases him down.

Elsewhere, Black Widow and Hawkeye find a smolder, quivering pile of Thor on the ground. Perhaps he was unconscious and now he’s not? Because he springs into action all “I’m comin’ to getcha, Bull Man– whatzit whut hubba wubba where did he go??? Daaaaarrrr.”

While the three of them try to figure out this Zodiac nonsense, the forgotten, large, red and gold time capsule lies on the ground just waiting to be folded, spindled, and mutilated!

“Should I open it?” asks Black Widow?
“I say so,” Thor responds, already drooling with anticipation about all the sweets and treats that they’ll assuredly find inside.
“If it’s just that guy’s laundry, I’m going to be pissed,” complains Hawkeye. The laugh track sounds like a flushing toilet.

They open it. It shines with a bright light. We don’t get to see what’s in it, just like that’ fuckin Pulp Fiction briefcase. They know what it is right away. Gulp!

Wowwww!! Ooooooh!! Aaaaaah!!

Tony Stark is unconscious on a starship, or at least it looks like a starship. It could very well still be on Earth. He’s stripped down to his skivvies while the other Avengers assemble around him, getting a nice, good look at Stark’s own beautiful package.

“Hey,” says Hulk, who has the best front-row seat.
“It’s ok,” Captain America ensures his best buddy in the world, “the Hulk is here as a friend.”
“Oh, okay, sure,” grumbles Stark as he speedos around.

So, everyone was going to help the guy, but no one knows how to help him! Since his armor is part of him now, uh, Stark’s body ain’t doing normal human body stuff. There’s steel and semiconductors and rust and rats running around in there now. But, hold on, start at the beginning! Why is he floating around in this godforsaken tube? WHERE are his pants? Hulk, you’re the prime suspect here, sir.

Well, friendo, Taurus kicked everyone’s butt to kingdom come. Even Thor. But Stark got the worst of it. He had the pants beat off of him! Hee hee hee.

Stark is the only one who knows about Taurus and the Zodiac. Hulk can corroborate the Zodiac angle; he presents the object he picked up with the Aquarius symbol. Ol’ Waterboy.

Captain America is up to speed on all this, and he’s going to prove it! Hulk was in the desert when Waterboy stole the capsule from the Army Guys! But they thought Hulk stole it! What a misunderstanding! I’m beside myself with frustration on their behalf, I assure you!!

Someone has gilded my pantaloons!

As we all know, while Hulk was Hulking in the desert beating up the United States Army and talking to sentient blobs of water, Black Widow and Hawkeye were chilling in Latveria trying to bust up a nuclear arms deal. I mean, I didn’t know that, but I only read every seventeenth panel in these comic books.

Tony Stark feasts his eyes on the contents within the capsule! An Ultimate Nullifier! “It’s a device that, if used correctly, eliminates reality.” Well jeepers creepers, that doesn’t sound good! Eliminating reality, eh? That sounds pretty crazy, huh? Eliminating reality! What a concept!

The thing looks like a translucent cube with a locket inside. Pretty unremarkable.

“The ultimate terrorist attack,” Hawkeye breathes in awe. Yeah, remember 9/11? Dummy.

Captain America basically cries about this. Those dastardly Zodiac cronies! This is mean! And until they figure out what’s going on with this Zodiac bunch, everything stays between the six of them. No other Avengers! Just us, the Dream Team: Ironing Man. Hawkface. Black Mamba. Hulk Hogan. Thorknob. And, of course, American Dad.

First thing’s first: Natasha Romononomonomonomoff, you find somewhere to hide the Reality Warping Device. Sock drawer is always a solid idea. And also–

BOOM

Goddamnit, what now? Oh look, some Zodiacs. Based on the symbols on their chests, we got Libra the Big Green Guy with Matt Gaetz Hair, we got Scorpio the Purple Winged Hair-on-Fire Lady, Gemini the Orange Interchangeable Man, Pisces the Fish Face, Leo the Guy Who Kinda Looks Like Taurus, and our old friend Aquarius the Waterboy.

Cancer and Taurus aren’t around. We’re also inexplicably missing Aries, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Capricorn. Maybe they got lost on the drive over.

“We came for what you stole from us. Give it back and no one will rip anything off your bodies. This should be fun.”

Final Thoughts

Meh, these guys don’t look so tough. Just splash some water on Ms. Fire Hair. I’m sure I can think of how to kill the rest of them too, but I don’t wanna right now!