Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 – “Home”! In the previous installment, a young woman named Zola has immaculately conceived the Greek god Zeus, and then the Greek god Hermes handed her a key that transported her instantly to London where Wonder Woman looked like she was lying naked in her bed drunk as shit. They fight crazy demonic centaurs and also a son of Zeus killed three women in Singapore after getting information out of them.

Caught up? Good.

Wonder Woman (Vol. 4), Issue #2 [December, 2011]
Written by: Brian Azzarello
“Home”

Hell yeah, sexy women standing in a river of blood and skulls? This series knows how to get me all hot and bothered.

At the top of Mt. Olympus sits a large castle. “NO!” screams someone from the window. It’s a comically sizable “NO!” It’s almost as large as the castle itself, that “NO!” within a spiky speech balloon.

“No no no, this won’t do!” cries a witchy woman staring into a large circular pool of water, which is reflecting back an image of Wonder Woman carrying the wounded Hermes Birdman. The witchy woman is the Peacock Lady who beheaded a horse for no reason.

“What is it mother, you sound… distressed,” creeps in the heavily eye-shadowed shaved-head Sinead O’Connor woman from the cover art.

“Ha! A thing you’re never far from, eh, child?” Peacock quips.
“Mother, please. I just thought you might need some love,” Sinead responds.

Gettin’ strange and unsettling already. Peacock disrobes, displaying some partial nudity. “Love? You have no idea what I need,” she snaps while Sinead reclines against a wall. Her mother, the Queen? Pffft. Who gives a shit. Just a word and nothing more. You think you’re so great? Why do you think Father traipses off with all his many shorties and hos, mom? His mistresses pumping out hundreds of whelps a year? Can’t be because you’re so warm and kind!

“That damnable schemer Hermes has enlisted the Amazon to protect your father’s latest bastard,” Peacock announces, much to Sinead’s surprise!

TOM CONNECTS THE DOTS! Her husband is Zeus! Look at how smart I am.

Sinead offers help. Perhaps she can talk to her brother Ares! Whattaya say? No? That won’t help? OK! So where are they all right now, if you don’t mind her asking? She might pop in for a visit…

PARADISE ISLAND! We see Wonder Woman carrying the big, hefty sack of Hermes across a beach with Zola picking up the rear. “You should have left me behind, Amazon,” Hermes croaks…or clucks, I suppose. Wonder Woman is like WHY, so you can BLEED all over Zola’s house? Gross!

Paradise Island is the land of the Wonder Women. That’s a plural, you see. I suppose this is where Wonder Woman grew up? Where she lives now? I don’t know her origin story, so bear with me. Maybe this is where she vacations? Threatening voices emerge from the trees.

Them’s rootin’-tootin’ rough and tough fightin’ words!

WHO GOES THERE? The Queen’s daughter? Wonder Woman is the daughter of a Queen! Queen who? Queen Latifa? HA HA HA!

Women come out of hiding from behind the trees, all sheepish and “whoops” about it. One of them is Queen Hippolyta! Ugly name! According to Wikipedia she wears a warrior belt, but I don’t see it here. I’ll be on the lookout though, believe you me. That’s what’s important right now. Maybe it’s the studded belt with the pretty stars on it? Seems lame. Anyway, they say hi to each other.

Everyone makes themselves at home in the town square, where a couple of oily dudes wrestle in public for fun and entertainment. How about get a TV? “Hera’s jealousy is not just legend, but fact. If she knows your mortal companion carries Zeus’ child, she will stop at nothing…” Hippolyta warns.

NOW AGAIN, bear with me, because I was lucky to get a D- in any class involved mythology, Greek or Roman or Incan or Egyptian or otherwise, so I’m not going to know who’s banging who, or whose daughter is the son of another daughter’s son. I’ll likely learn all my Greek gods from the New 52 Wonder Woman, and that’s depressing enough.

“This is freakin’ wild, Bird Man,” Zola says in a residence while Hermes rests. Good to see I’m not the only one disrespecting this mofo.

Want some crackers, Bird Man?

“Can I ask you something,” Hermes clucks, tweets, whatever, “When Zeus consorts with a woman other than his wife, he chooses a form that will inspire an uncontrollable lust in them. Do you remember what Zeus came to you as?”

OK, uh, first of all, sir, that’s a wildly personal and inappropriate question to ask a woman, thank you. And second of all, if you must know, he looked like Ted Bundy with a mullet wearing a chili-stained “BAZINGA!” t-shirt and clutching a White Claw.

“A truck driver,” she responds sullenly. I wasn’t too far off! “Or a pool hustler. He coulda been in a band…I hope he was that guy…”

“Apparently, Zeus didn’t have to change his form too exotically to curry his favor,” Hermes responds, I’m sure in GOOD FAITH I guess, if you’re one of those autistic Greek gods who have no social skills.

“I like men, Hermes. And I’m not gonna apologize for that,” Zola snaps back, apologizing for her promiscuity! They made drugs in the ‘60s to help with that. Hermes advises her to keep that information to herself on this particular island.

Zola sits on a chair backwards and begins to “rap”, as the youngins say. She asks about Wonder Woman’s deal. It’s a long story.

So, here are the facts, Jack: Hippolyta had a poisonous, inhospitable womb and couldn’t conceive a child. Stay with me here. One night she went cuckoo and made a child out of clay. She prayed for the kid to be alive. Are you with me? It worked. Wonder Woman was made out of clay. Like a dreidel. A dark-haired, blue-eyed clay baby. Born completely independent of penis-in-vagina intercourse! How about them apples?

“That’s weird,” Zola concedes.
“Most legends are,” Hermes responds, tilting his head back in pain (either from the leg or talking to this annoying human, hard to say).

Sport is a little bitter on my tongue, I fear. Although, I do enjoy the palatable sapor of chess, my friend. Or are you too much of a dumbshit??

Wonder Woman is approached by a much taller Amazonian woman named Aleka for a ROUND OF AMERICAN GLADIATORS! Aleka can be Ice. Wonder Woman can be Storm. Time for THE JOUST!

*whip whip smack whip joust joust joust*

An audience watches the gaiety with glee! A woman named Dessa sees the troubled expression of Queen Hippo’s face. She’s preoccupied with the fact that a young woman is on this island right now carrying Zeus’ child. One wonders if something might happen if t–

BOOOM! Well, that didn’t take long at all! All Queen Hippocampus had to do with verbalize her worries for less than four seconds and BLAMMO, an explosion and an enormous plume of smoke on the other side of the island, visible from the heart of the island’s…uh, downtown area. Everyone looks in horror, including the jousting Ice and Storm whom I don’t remember the real names of right now anymore! Oh yeah, one of them was Wonder Woman. She leads a pack of angry Amazonians! Time to fight the smoke monster on the island!

Emerging from the smoke is a smiling Sinead O’Connor! A guard tells her to stand down. Ha! She will never stand down! Standing down? What even is that? People stand up, motherfucker. Grrr. Her eyeballs get red and glowy…

“Spread out. We don’t know what we’re dealing with,” calls Wonder Woman to the rest of her crew. They spread out. Like good listeners.

One woman notices a serene, 50-foot tall bald chick just kind of sauntering through the jungle without a care in the world. She alerts the others, but she suddenly gets a spear right through the gut from seemingly out of nowhere. Another one gets speared. Another one gets a hail of arrows in her abdomen. It’s impossible to see what’s happening! It’s all out of thin air! Oh god! Oh god! “We are surrounded, sisters!” yells Aleka “Ice” McGladiator, “These warriors are like nothing we’ve ever faced!”

“DIE, INVADER!” Aleka cries, taking a swing at Wonder Woman. She’s like, are you goddamned nutty right now? What in tarnation are you doing?!

Yeah right! That sounds just like something that someone who is trying to attack me would say! DIE!!!

It looks like Wonder Woman’s the only one who is both wise to what’s going on and unaffected by Sinead O’Connor’s magic Greek goddess voodoo! “What do you expect, Princess…they attacked me first,” she says as she approaches Wonder Woman and the addled Aleka. Literally 50 feet tall. Wonder Woman only goes halfway up her shin. She has a pretty good view up her dress, but I doubt that there’s anything to write home about.

“Strife,” Wonder Woman declares, “Now this confusion makes sense.”

Strife, who I’d like to still continue calling Sinead O’Connor if I may, announces that she comes here in peace. Her brother Ares, Mr. Wartime, is not here! She promises! Swears to gods!

“Peace?” Wonder Woman snorts incredulously, preparing her lasso, “Your mocking lips spit a word your tongue has never tasted.”

Sinead, lookin’ coy, says she just wants to embrace her little sister! Where’s the widdle baby? Coochie coo! Etc.

Wonder Woman wonders (woman wonders woman wonders) how Strifey Sinead knows Zola is carrying a female child? Was there a gender reveal party that she wasn’t invited to??

Ha! Cute.

“No, Wonder Woman,” Strife O’Connor explains while hoisting her up by her little lasso, “I speak of YOU.”

Final Thoughts

Strife is pretty hot.