Welcome to June, 1986! Literally nothing happened in this month. Labyrinth with David Bowie is released. That’s it.

What did Calvin do in June, 1986? Oh man. What didn’t he do?

June 3, 1986 – Hobbes is drownin’ in pussy.

Hobbes reveals that he had a dad who, by all accounts, was just as horny as Hobbes. Rhino or no rhino, girls are always on the mind. Again, since Hobbes represents Calvin’s suppressed emotions and feelings, we can conclude that Calvin is also always horny. And that is disgusting. The child is six. We as a nation need to stop sexualizing Calvin.

June 7, 1986 – Calvin is the human contraceptive.

I’ve checked the ingredients of Crunchy Sugar Bombs: sugar, glucose, dextrose, fructose, high fructose corn syrup, low fructose corn syrup, sucrose, high sucrose corn syrup, with less than 2% of the following: wheat. They’re part of a perfectly balanced breakfast as long as you eat a pile of horse vitamins.

I like that Calvin describes himself as “incoherent and hyperactive”. Here’s a typical Saturday afternoon conversation:

Mom: “We’re going to have pork roast and potatoes for dinner tonight, Calvin.”
Calvin: “RARAHRPAARPRA. AAAA BLUBLUBLUBLUBLUB!!”
Mom: “You’re going to eat it, because I’m not making anything else.”
Calvin: “GAAAAHH!!! RUH-BUH-BUBLUBLBULB! GRRAAPHRN ANRHN ANARPH!!”
Mom: “Don’t give me any attitude, young man.”
Calvin: “HORK! HORK! GROOOOO!!! RUH-BLUBLUBLUBLUB!!”

June 9, 1986 – HELL YEAH, GIMME SOME OF THAT NEW COKE.

Speaking of increased sex appeal, I just ate gnocchi with tomatoes, broccoli, and a homemade pesto sauce with an entire bulb of raw garlic blended into it. My breath smells like a Italian restaurant dumpster and I can’t tell you how many ladies are crawling all over me right now. Consider ramping up your own game some day.

June 12, 1986 – The plot of Open Water.

Mom often looks like she regrets not sticking a coat hanger right up the ol’ snatch back in 1979. Bath time is the perfect time for the perfect crime, I always say. All it would take is 45 seconds of holding Calvin’s head under the too-cold too-hot too-cold too-deep water and all of Mom’s problems would go away. Dad would dance a jig downstairs as he hears the final gasps of breath from his only son.

Really fucked up if you think about it.

June 15, 1986 – That’s “Mr. Bologna Loaf” to you, bitch!

Morning time is the perfect time for the perfect crime, I always say. All it would take is a fucking shotgun to the mouth and all of Dad’s problems would go away. And this time I meant Dad should be the one to Kurt Cobain himself. Leave the rest of your family out of your shotgun-related suiciding, Dad, you deadbeat.

June 21, 1986 – Budget cuts have really hurt the pirating industry.

Remember when Calvin boarded Tom Hank’s ship and held him and his whole crew hostage? It all started with a little plank in the pond. Big things come to those who wait.

June 24, 1986 – The pre-Internet days were hard times.

Here’s a fun fact for ya! This very strip influenced me to try doing the same thing in my own house! I was 29 at the time.

Ha ha! I was probably Calvin’s age and I was very upset to find out that this doesn’t work at all! Whatever toilet paper that gets wet just breaks off as the water rotates around the bowl. It was the biggest rip-off of my fucking life.

I don’t have a better story than this. Sorry.

June 28, 1986 – THIS PREMISE IS RIDICULOUS! I TRIED THIS AT HOME AND IT DIDN’T WORK!

Here’s a fun fact for ya! I’ve never tried to take a bath in my toilet, if you can believe it. Who do you think I am, Michael Jackson?

Who knows how close Calvin was to slipping down the drain and through the pipes? His dead, bloated body would be floating around every turd in the neighborhood. A fitting end for the town’s biggest terrorist to be dumped into the sewer like the piece of shit that he is!

That was a little uncalled for. I apologize. I’m just jealous that I have a third of the fun on the toilet that Calvin had.