As I sit here this morning with a mug full of Very Irish Coffee (a thermos full of Irish whiskey with a teaspoon of Folger’s), looking out the window at the majestic Chicago scenery (a 120-foot back alley full of the entire city’s garbage), and enjoying the peace and serenity (my two children screaming about mittens at 7:30am), I look to my daily dose of completely insane non-political Fox News stories.

What’s in the news in the last week?

November 25, 2022
Minnesota mom allegedly took son’s blood, forced siblings to dispose of it in scheme to fake illness

A Minnesota woman charged with child torture allegedly stole her son’s blood and treated her two other children for medical conditions they don’t have. Jorden Nicole Borders, 32, is charged with three counts each of child torture and stalking in the alleged abuse of her children: an 8-year-old girl, and two boys, ages 9 and 11, Fox Minneapolis reported.

Authorities began investigating Borders after the 9-year-old boy was being monitored by doctors. His hemoglobin numbers kept dropping, with Borders claiming the hospital was removing too much blood. However, her children told authorities they saw her take blood from their brother and put it in a cup and had them flush it down a toilet, a court complaint states. They said she would often do it before doctor visits.

This Sex Distribution graph shows that Munchausen by proxy perpetrators get WAY more sex than the victims.

Ay Carumba! The article goes on to describe the anguished child’s account of his mother asking him to not tell anybody about this as she continued to drain his body of extremely vital fluids. Now, I’m no child psychologist. I barely even know what my own children are saying when they ask vague, incomprehensible questions like “can I have some food?” or “why is there a pile of hay on my bed?” But wouldn’t it be very difficult for a 9-year-old to pretend everything is ok when his mother is literally removing blood from his body on a daily basis? Perhaps Jorden Nichole Borders expected the children to be way too lethargic to be able to string two coherent words together.

What do they call this? Munchausen syndrome by proxy? Making up fake symptoms or causing real symptoms to make it look like the child is sick in order to garner sympathy from family, friends, colleagues, pastors, teachers, police officers, construction workers, hobos, heroin addicts, and mimes? I suppose some of these horrible people have a really good imaginations, ones that are beyond “my kid has a cough”. It makes me want to look up other Munchausen by proxy cases for… uh… research purposes.

• Wendi Michelle Scott – “Intravenously fed her daughter magnesium and withdrew blood to make her appear sickly and caused her daughter to suffer from severe diarrhea, blood loss, vomiting, high fever, and a rapid heart rate.”

This lady sounds like a trip, man! I would think there would be much easier ways to fake a child’s illness that doesn’t involve a collection of hypodermic needles and an ample supply of liquid magnesium. For example, one could feed him or her nothing but Saltines, Styrofoam packing peanuts, and a delicious cocktail of Diet Pepsi and Drano. Watch that hair fall right out their head in massive, tufty clumps!

Doctors were at a loss as to why Scott’s daughter was diarrhea-ing all over over the place. It was suspected to be leukemia, but when America’s top doctors were unable to cure any mysterious symptoms through various blood transfusions or digging her bone marrow out with ice cream scoops, they had no choice but to pump her full of radiation over and over again to drive away that nasty invisible killer! Too bad that only increased her risk of cancer. Gotta spend money to make money, I always say.

In the end, Wendi Michelle Scott got hers. 15-year prison sentence, which is actually over in about a year or two. No one decided to inject Scott with magnesium, or even some of the heavier elements on the periodic table, even though she probably deserved just a little bit of it. Just enough for some of that revenge diarrhea.

To be completely honest, this is a pretty good Phil Collins impersonation.

• Dee Dee Blanchard – “Dee Dee, a Hurricane Katrina survivor, faked multiple chronic illnesses of her daughter, Gypsy-Rose Blanchard, both for sympathy and charitable benefits. Her abuse of Gypsy-Rose led to the girl eventually aiding a secret boyfriend in the murder of Dee Dee, after which the abuse was finally discovered. Gypsy-Rose’s experience has been dramatized in movies and TV shows.”

They dramatized this one in the Hulu series The Act, which I have avoided seeing because Joey King has an upsettingly round head! I’m sure this whole story is painstakingly re-enacted down to the finest details, including the parts where “Gypsy hid in the bathroom and covered her ears so that she would not have to hear her mother screaming” and that Gypsy’s boyfriend stabbed Dee Dee “17 times in her back while she was asleep” and that “afterwards the two had sex in Gypsy’s room”. How deep were the stabs? In which sex positions did these two lovebirds perform their lewd, primal copulations? Watch The Act to learn this and much, much more! Or less!

At any rate, Gypsy’s childhood was plagued with poisons, unneeded wheelchairs, home diagnoses of multiple and/or missing chromosomes, frequent visits to the Special Olympics, and superfluous anti-seizure medications. About half of that sounds like the sweet life, but in later interviews with Gypsy she claims she had a bad time through most of her childhood? Sounds to me like we have a real whiner on our hands.

• Shauna Dee Taylor, “A Floridian woman who medically abused all 10 of her children, with a specific fascination with their internal organs; she poisoned her infant daughter in a 2013 incident and caused the child to suffer liver damage, setting up a sympathy donation fundraiser page online for the child.”

We have a winner! First of all, be wary of women with three names. They will Munchausen by all kinds of proxy with you and their kids. Second of all, Florida! Third of all, ALL 10 of her children! ALL TEN! You would think the older kids from this second-rate Duggar clan would have caught onto the bullshit and tried shielding the younger kids from the same damage, but they were so Munchausened that they didn’t even know which way was up anymore.

I’ve never heard of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen, but I’d bet that it doesn’t contain any rampant child abuse scenes or any magnesium-injection plot points.

Here’s a bonus fourth-of-all for ya: “specific fascination with their internal organs”. I suppose this actually means a specific fascination with irreparably damaging their internal organs with cocktails of insulin and milk, Tylenol iron supplements, and, I shit you not, currency. Pennies and dimes. A family containing ten children was well off enough, apparently, to sacrifice loose change to the literal bowels of younglings!

Here’s the kicker for me. Shauna’s husband Bill suspected that something was amiss, to put it lightly. Even after having three of his children removed from their custody by the state, Bill was heard to say during an interview “On the several visits to the emergency room, I was scratching my head thinking, my gosh. How could all my kids have such severe medical issues?” Not reported was Bill’s affinity for swallowing his own coins, as well as buckets of lead-based paint, causing him to go blind and deaf and becoming a quadriplegic with mental regression to that of a 5-year-old autistic child with 14 extra chromosomes and a belly full of ball bearings.

I hope these three accounts have brought to your attention the dangers of Munchausen syndrome by proxy. Perhaps this informative post will allow you to avoid the pitfalls and traps that these three women have stumbled into, and that you can be successful in your own pursuits to poison your innocent, unsuspecting children! I do what I can for the people.