Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #2 – “Enemies Within”! In the previous installment, we pick up where we left off… I suppose! I don’t know where the story left off, but we begin Geoff Johns’ critically epic run of Green Lantern with a reappearance of Hal Jordan and everyone dealing with that. And I do mean everyone. Name a DC hero and they’re dealing with that.

So there was a lot of setup. I recommend just reading the previous issue where I wrote nearly 5,000 words because 1) I have no idea where this is really going to go yet, and 2) That’s a lot of fucking words, Jesus Christ. What was I thinking?

Most importantly, Hal Jordan popped in at the end to say hi to Carol Ferris. That’s the important stuff. She’s like the Lois Lane to Hal Jordan’s Trump-supporting Dean Cain.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #2 [January, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Enemies Within”

Speaking of Hal Jordan, nothing is sexier than when your crime-fighting swimsuit is SO very skin tight that it contours perfectly to your fuckin’ 8-pack abs. I didn’t even notice the blood on his hands, I was too busy drooling at those meaty muscles.

“It began in the center of the universe over ten billion years ago.”

Hate to break it to you, but everywhere is the center of the universe. I’m kidding. Wherever you are, that’s the center. Or nothing’s the center. Whichever you prefer. But it can’t be this!

“On the planet of OA.”

Oh, is that what the show is about?

“A race of immortals decided to declare themselves the Guardians of the universe.”

Ha, well, there’s certainly a tone to that statement, now isn’t there? Like the universe needed guarding from anyone or anything. The universe can take care of itself as far as I’m concerned! And who am I? Precisely.

Sorry, I’ve only covered one panel so far. I’ll try to hurry this train along.

The Guardians, they made the central green battery and it powers all the green rings. These rings are wielded by the Green Lantern Corps. They’re like the fucking facsist pigs of the DC Universe.

What these Guardians didn’t take into account was that nothing lasts forever. Not even eternity!

Someone somewhere is trying to find this Kyle Rayner guy. Still, I wouldn’t trust any Kyle as far as I could throw him, and almost all of the Kyles I know are way too fat to even be nudged successfully in any direction, let alone thrown.

I digress again! I do that a lot, don’t I? Hee hee hee.

Yo, the only green light that I’d like finding Kyle Rayner is an Avada Kedavra green light to the face, son.

In Highway Mill, New Mexico, a couple of ruffians are poking and prodding a totally fucked-up Kyle Rayner with a stick. “Why hasn’t anyone shown up?” one of the kids asks. “How can they have not seen the crash?”

“I don’t know. Maybe his ship has cloaking or something.”

Rayner is writhing in pain, feeling like using a little Green Lanterny magic to cure what ails him! But, for some reason, he holds back. He doesn’t wanna. He grits his teeth and deals with the pain and feels the blood rise to the tip of his already-engorged penis.

“John told me not to take it for granted,” Rayner says about his power ring as he stares at it with bleeding gums and broken eyeballs, “and not to underestimate its limitations. It’d be so easy to force my will into it. So easy to feel… better. But I can’t.”

Sounds like a personal problem to me, as they say! Rayner grits and grinds again, but there’s too much blood diverted away from his head (and into his other head), so he faints hilariously.

The kids want to try getting him to a doctor, but they hear a faint voice coming from Rayner’s ring: “Parallax. Parallax is coming.”

Oooooh, spooky stuff. The Big Bad Parallax is coming. Alert the Green Lantern Corps so they can throw the Parallax from its car and cut off its last breath with a knee to its fucking neck.

OK, enough of that. Hal Jordan is meeting up with Carol Ferris, remember? “It’s good to see you, Carol,” he says. “Five minutes ago this Tomcat and all the others were rusty piles of junk,” she says. Well, wait, that’s not a “hello” back at all, is it? Rude.

Carol catches on quite quickly that the rusted piles of junk, as well as the cracked concrete and the overgrown weeds, have been fixed and eliminated due to Hal’s involvement. He was always very good at pulling weeds. “It’s beautiful…” she says, congratulating Hal on the weeding.

Hal asks if she remembers their first time on the airstrip. Of course she does! It was her first week on the job! If it hadn’t been, she probably wouldn’t remember, so Hal lucked out here.

She was the only woman, and all the men were quite INTIMIDATED by the boss’ daughter. Everyone except for “Weird” Hal Yankovic, he was calm, cool, collected! And sexually harassful! But she took to it well, for some reason.

“What can I say, Miss Ferris? I like to live dangerously,” Hal tells her with a smile after molesting her verbally.

*record scratch*

HOLD THE PHONE, WET NURSE. Hal Jordan is talking about the first time. The FIRST time, numbnuts. *knocks on Carol’s head* HELLO, MCFLY??!!! HELLLOOO?!?!

“The time we never talk about.”

Oh yeah. That first time. When they are all, like, kids and shit.

Yeah, well, my dad can beat up your dad with one hand tied behind his mistress.

Tragedy time! Hal’s dad threw him his jacket to hold while he flew an airplane. “I hoped one day it would be mine. I wished for it,” remembers Hal Jordan as a fresh-faced, young sprat! A real go-getter sportsfan, that one! Everything’s gonna be allllll riii–

Long story short, WAKOOOOM!, as it is decided a plane crash should sound. Again, throwing in some plane crashes around Geoff Johns seems awfully cruel. Did Johns know what he was getting into here? Yeesh.

Context: dead-sister-plane-crash.html

Jordan’s dad complained about failing torque pins and leaking oil. Ferris’ dad complained about fifteen million dollars and six years of research/development in Jordan’s terrible, incapable hands while investors were watching. We all could be blaming each other until the cows come home! The real victim here is young Carol Ferris, who had to stand there and watch Hal’s dad die in front of him.

“I swore I’d never let go of this jacket,” Hal says all mopey like, wearing the jacket he, apparently, hasn’t removed from his person in 20 years. Carol is feeling a teensy awkward, mostly because they have never really talked about Hal’s father. The whole plane crash thing was weird. Kinda cool. But weird. Unsettling. Disturbing. Kinda cool, though.

What Hal probably never knew is that Carol’s father had Hal’s father on his conscience. Thus, Hal was never allowed in the air himself. Simulations on the ground only! Real flights when he’s 46 years old. Oh wait, he did know that. Ok then.

Hal learned a hard lesson that day: Sacrifice. And sometimes you can’t trust those in charge. OK, that’s two hard lessons. Maybe a hard lesson and an easy lesson.

Haha here I am blah blah blahing, right Carol? Yap yap yap yap yap! Heh. I just came here to tell you that stuff’s really been fucked up lately, and I know I’m acting crazy, and I’ve done things I’m very much not proud of, and I’m not myself anymore, and it goes beyond this Spectre possession or whatever it is. I can’t even trust my own judgment anymore!

So Hal needs to find himself again. Man vs. Man. Oldest story in the book! It’s where God suplexed Adam.

You can be just like the Heart kid from Captain Planet. That kid was useless as shit.

THE WATCHTOWER. HEADQUARTERS OF THE JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA. John Stewart and Green Arrow are just chit-chat talkin’ like a couple of knuckleheads. Arrow Face fingers a ring in his hand, wondering how it can be so powerful, wondering how Hal Jordan could find himself in all these sticky wickets. Here are two examples that he literally mentions: Hal Jordan was once trapped in a cave of gold on Jupiter’s moon. Hal Jordan was blinded by mustard.

Jupiter only has one moon, huh? News to me.

Yellow’s original central battery was completely destroyed, so that’s good. It’s been a while since Green Arrow was in the game. I remember something similar happening in that only Green Lantern story I’ve read so far, but I also remember Sinestro looking like Vincent Price, so maybe my memory isn’t anything to go off on.

Hal gave Green Arrow the ring years ago and it’s never really worked. Stewart offers to charge it up for him. Just plug it in and turn the crank and whatnot, but Green Arrow doesn’t want the responsibility.

Meanwhile, across the room, Batman, Superman, and a woman wearing a top hat, a tuxedo top, and fishnet stockings like a reject from the Magician’s Alliance Strip Club, stare into a large crystal ball. “I’ve got him,” she says, “The Spectre is at Ferris Aircraft. Twenty-five miles outside of Coast City.”

This woman is named Zatanna and she needs to put on some real pants.

“Hal Jordan’s soul has been grafted on to one of the most powerful mystical forces in existence.”

Oh snap! That doesn’t sound good at all, does it! Grafted! Ouch, man.

Good enough for SuperBat and Man Man! They’re going to pay Hal “Spectre” Jordan a visit. Meanwhile, Zatanna… pull a rabbit out of your… uh… hey, J’onn! You keep an eye on Guy Garnder, m’kay? Make sure he doesn’t… stink up the place. More than he already has.

NEW YORK. HEADQUARTERS OF THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA. Not Justice League. Justice Society. They’re different, and who cares ultimately?

The next two pages have a group of mofos I don’t know. A guy in a red shirt, green pants, a blue Dracula cape, and an eyemask wants to see Mr. Terrific. His green-tinged daughter tries to hold him back in a “stop it dad ur drunk” manner, but it’s actually because he has a fever. There’s also Doctor Fate and Doctor Mid-Nite, who are a couple of eleventh-rate superheroes if I’ve ever heard anyway. The feverish guy is named Alan, but he wants to help! He feels a tinge of responsibility burbling in his gut! And a little bit of last night’s sweet potato pie. *burp puke*

There’s something here about a guy who shares Alan’s name becoming a killer. I do not care.

What’s going on with the two lovebirds?

Oh, hello “Married”. I’m Hal! *noogie*

Look Ms. Presumptuous, Hal was never going to ask you to marry him! Silly!

*hides engagement ring back into his pocket*

Look, Toots. Wanna still live together?

And before she has a chance to answer and/or slap the shit out of him, representatives of the Justice League/Society of America show up to discuss with and/or slap the shit out of Hal. A real ambush here. “What are you doing?” Batman asks menacingly. “Talking to a friend,” Hal responds innocently, “What’s wrong? Do you need help, Batman?”

You got some ‘splainin’ to do, Air Jordan. Why did your apartment pop up again in the destroyed Coast City? Why did Guy Gardner turn into a big, meaty fireball? Where is my copy of Pokemon Omega Ruby? Do you have any answers to these questions, Hal, you wrinkled old slut?

Hal is genuinely concerned about the Big Meaty Fireball, but the questions are beginning to bother him already! “I fixed this airfield for Carol,” he says, not answering any questions that were asked of him as he tucks Pokemon Omega Ruby into his pocket near the engagement ring. Batman cracks wise about Hal’s need to fix things all the time, and John Stewart tells Batman to shut the hell up. Then he convulses into a pile of migraines and flies up into the sky.

Everyone hear me loud and clear: THE FIRST ACE VENTURA WAS MUCH BETTER THAN THE SECOND ACE VENTURA!!!

John Stewart is tired of being the runt of the litter! Time to let everyone know who’s boss! BA-BOOOMMM! That’s the sound of Stewart blasting a whole slew of Justice League members every which way with some green fire! Take that, DC’s Finest!

“John, what are you doing?!? Stop this. Now,” Superman pleads with no teeth because he’d never actually stop anything or kill anyone. Then John hits Superman in the eyeballs with green light and Superman, like a pussy, falls to the ground while his fellow teammates say things like “Superman!” at him.

Carol Ferris is just standing there taking this all in. Just a big WTF moment for her, probably. Just a whole lot of “I just wanted to look at some airplanes today” feelings.

Hal is gearing up for a fight against John Poopypants Stewart, but the entity within fights back. Quite literally. “We are the Spectre. And this fight is not ours. Vengeance calls. Victims cry out for justice.”

Hal is like, go hang yourself in a Thai hotel bathroom with that nonsense, but the Spectre within him insists that the Spectre is needed elsewhere and not at all here, actually. And while John Stewart continues exploding members of his own team, Hal disappears into an ethereal Spectre-ly shroud of green gas with the same scary portent as earlier: Parallax is coming. Parallax is coming.

Yeah. In its pants.

Listen, we need to see what the hell is going on with Guy Gardner. He looks like he’s in really rough shape. Everyone point and laugh!

Stop being such a pansy, Guy. And please, for the love of God, find your regular eyeballs.

Here’s what’s complicating things: While Guy Gardner is writhing in what I can only assume is horny agony, Green Arrow’s defunct ring starts burning hot. It then duplicates itself, and the duplicate flies onto Guy’s middle finger. Yes, I did just write all that and it is what happened. His real, actual middle finger! I kid you not. That’s the bird!

The Watchtower becomes awash in an awful, sickly green light. Nothing good will come of this. It better not, or the story is already over!

The Parallax is Coming.

Guy feels reinvigorated!

The Parallax is Coming.

Guy’s looking pretty spry right now!

The Parallax is Coming.

Shit, what’s going on with Guy. This ain’t like him! Maybe. I personally don’t know, I just met him an issue ago and he seems like a bit of a piece of shit to me. J’onn “Martian Manhunter” Magoo is all sorts of “are you okkkkkkk??”, but Guy has a ring now and he blasts the room to smithereens!

“Beware my power.”

Guy shows off his glowing ring. He looks fresh as a daisy, much to everyone’s chagrin!

Remember about 100 years ago when those two kids found Kyle Rayner all fucked up at Highway Mill? Rayner’s ring keeps informing no one in particular that the Parallax, much like Winter, is coming. And these two ruffians are SICK TO DEATH HEARING ABOUT IT. Someone smash that goddamn ring to oblivion, please. It’s loud and annoying!

Rayner informs these ignorant scallywags that the ring is trying to warn everyone. “The weakness. The impurity.”

None of that matters right now. With a bright yellow glow and a FWOOOSH, a strang alien-type rhinoceros beast makes his fashionable appearance. He’s wearing his own Green Lantern costume, complete with sexy abs and a great glowing ring. Rayner tells the little shits to book it! This guy used to be an ally, but now he’s not! Eek! Etc.

This guy is named Kilowog and he’s a Bad Boy now. He was one of the strongest that the Corps had to offer! He taught everyone everything he knows! And now he’s a big ol’ jerk.

“Come on, ya poozer,” Kilowog says… rather daintily, actually, “let’s make this easy. Use the ring, Kyle.”

“No!”

Well, that’s that then. Oh, by the way, Kilowog trained Hal Jordan. That’s how good Kilowog is.

So these two dudes fight for a bit. The hearty, able-bodied Kilowog and the bleeding, broken-boned Kyle Rayner! I think that’s unfair. Someone should at least take a pipe to Kilowog’s kneecap to even the score a little bit.

“I said USE IT,” Kilowog snaps. Maybe he gets off on that sweet, sweet green light? He really wants Kyle’s light. Kyle’s light is some of that good, young light. Some of that jailbait light.

Kyle looks over at his wreckage and notices an exposed, open coffin. Oh fuck, not good. The skirmish must’ve jarred it open! He needs to close that quick before–

“Green Lantern of Sector 647. Kilowog of Bolovax Vik. You will lower your ring. And you will cease your actions immediately.”

Oh no. Oh no.

“The soul of Hal Jordan may reside within the Spectre…”

Oh no!

And we will do to this body whatever it takes to… uh… heh heh… uhm… not sayin’…

Final Thoughts

What a mess! A giant cast of angry characters, some real power dynamics that are flippin’ and floppin’, and Hal Jordan is really taking his sad-sack dead dad energy to the limit. Lighten up, man, get some self-esteem.

The tale continues! See you next time you Green Lanternites!