Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Invincible, Issue #2! In the previous installment, teenage Mark Grayson (not to be confused with Dick Grayson) is the son of Omni-Man, an incredible superhero with incredible superhero-type powers. Flying, strength, speediness, all the good stuff. Luckily for Mark, these powers are genetic. It’s too bad Omni-Man couldn’t fuck his powers into Mark’s mom, but she doesn’t seem to mind being a normie.

During his after-school job, Mark accidentally throws a bag of garbage 40,000 feet into the air and is excited to finally have his powers manifesting themselves in his puberty-soaked body. Now he gets to get all costumed up. His yellow and blue suit makes him look like a bug.

All he needs is a superhero name. And that name is “Invincible”. It’s going to be hard to live up to that one, son.

Invincible, Issue #2 [February, 2003]
Written by: Robert Kirkman

Issue #2 kicks off with Dad giving Mark the talk. And not just ANY “the talk”. This isn’t the usual one about the birds and the bees and the fucking. “We think you’re old enough for me to tell you where I really come from.”

Yuck, Dad, please don’t say Detroit. All respect will be lost. Please not Detroit. Not Cleveland either. The whole midwest is grounds for lost respect.

Omni-Man is from space like Super-Man, I guess. Dad was born on a planet called Viltrum, which is a vitamin you can get at Walgreens. The people who live there are similar to humans. They eat and sleep and breathe and secrete various fluids. They like watching Survivor. They just have abilities beyond that of puny, stupid little weaselly humans. Strength, flying, speed, the whole enchilada.

“Viltrum was a planet that had achieved a perfect global society. There was no illness, no murder, no war, it was a relative utopia.” Yeah, sure Dad. Until Vladimir Putin got his hands on it, then it became a heap of dogshit? Is Mark on the mark with that one? Do we need a consensus from the Funky Bunch?

The High Council refused to let the society become complacent. After all, one toe out of line could erupt in a riot of illness, murder, and war! Pictures of the Viltrum residents show a cavalcade of lovely mustaches. Maybe Mark can grow his own someday! It’s not the powers that make a man, it’s the bushiness of his mustache.

It was decided by the High Council of Viltrum to – and I’m going to use my own word here – infiltrate other worlds to assist in elevating lesser societies to the same level. It was agreed by all! And thus, the World Betterment Committee was formed.

After a hearty steak and eggs breakfast, the council searched for other planets with the potential to become greater and, for some reason, eventually that decided Earth fit the criteria.

Wrong. If Earth is going to get swarmed by space bugs, then it was meant to be. Natural selection at work.

Once all was well and good, teams of scientists were dispatched to each planet to personally assist in its advancement. Monitor its progress. Court the fine, young women. Play some Mario Kart 64. Eat a mountain. All the fun stuff that humans do!

Word got around that the World Betterment Committee was astoundingly successful at bettermenting other worlds! It became the most sought-after profession on Viltrum! Even after Sanitation Engineer, which paid upwards of $45 dollars per week!

Dad, when he came of age, signed up for duty as part of the search committee. He’s the chap who found Earth! What a dummy! He convinced the rest of the committee to do some official inspection of the planet, and it was deemed too primitive for Betterment! Dad was not going to give up! He grew fond of Earth after learning about the Great Pyramids and the Hot Pockets, and he didn’t want an opportunity squandered because his fellow Viltrumians didn’t wanna deal with Earthlings.

So he went anyway. Even though he was warned there might not be a chance of returning due to the planet’s location being too far away in the corner of the universe. Dad was like “fine”. Again, I don’t know why this was all worth it for him. So he can watch genocides and MAGA rallies and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer Christmas specials that he will never be able to stop?

“No amount of research could have prepared me for what I would experience upon my arrival,” he recounts upon landing in, possibly, New York City. Why, a rich diversity! People expressing their individuality! Dad was immediately smitten by the prospect of spending his days there! In fact, he almost forgot why he was there in the first place! Wow!

Oh yeah, then he remembered why he was there in the first place: to help the best he could. And with monsters, both human and inhuman, plus natural disasters and scorpions and Gary Busey, there was a lot to try to save humanity from.

It’s like How I Met Your Mother, except it won’t take nine years to get to the answer. Plus, Bob Saget’s dead.

It is revealed that Dad is talking to a younger Mark. a more innocent Mark. The kind of Mark who is playing with his Transformers on the coffee table. So, 15 years old? Or maybe 7, I dunno. They’re similar ages.

“…things are going to start to change for you in a few years as you hit puberty. You’re going to start to get acne. Your voice will start to crack and eventually change. You’ll begin to grow hair in strange and new places. You’re going to start looking at girls in a whole new light. There’s a good chance you’re going to start to develop super powers.”

BUH-WHAT! That last one was out of left field! What’s this now about puberty powers? That was Mark’s only takeaway: that he’ll be learning to fly. Sounds good to me too. I would’ve taken a face full of craters if it meant I could fly around town. And, yes, I, of course, had perfect skin throughout my teenage years. Like porcelain.

Current Day Mark lies in his bed late at night ruminating about his new powers. “Yeah… I can fly…”

Then he’s tired of not flying! “Screw this,” he says as he gets up from his bed and moves toward his window. And, like any red-blooded American teenage boy in his position, he flies right to the game store! He catches a big, beefy fucker who appears to be stealing pallets of video game consoles right out of the store’s dock. NO MAS! Those Xbox Series Xs are MARK’s! *punch*

Sucks for Mark, though, since this guy is made of tough stuff.

Now boys, there’s enough Playstation 5’s to go around! No need to… you know, kill each other.

“Aren’t you out a little past your bedtime, young man?” the unnamed villain asks with a face that suggests concern rather than scorn. Maybe he really doesn’t want Mark to be cranky in the morning. Mark takes this as another challenge, but before he can touch the guy again there’s a loud BOOM!

They both look up to see four superhero types in a flying motorcycle craft of sorts. The guy who BOOMed is like “don’t make me BOOM harder” and asks who started this fight. This fight that was barely anything to begin with. “I’ll give you one guess,” says the guy who was stealing Nintendos before grabbing their vehicle and throwing it to the ground. The newly-arrived superheroes leap out just in time. The Four of them sure look Fantastic, if I do say so myself.

Before the Fantastik Fore are able to come up with a better plan, Mark clocks this guy across the mug without much effort and knocks him unconscious. Good work! Let’s call it an evening already.

Two guys and two girls. One cup. Heh. One girl looks at Mark’s pajama bottoms and compliments his costume. He tries very hard to not pop a boner. “Um… do I know you?” he asks her, fidgeting awkwardly. She doesn’t… maybe… he looks familiar… hmm… maybe she watched him pop a boner once at the fast food place he worked at? Or maybe they were both waiting in line at the Orange Julius at the mall and she noticed he had popped a boner? Oh well, doesn’t matter right now at the very moment. They all make with the formalities.

“I’m M– I mean, Invincible,” the kid in the pajamas bottoms introduces himself to what is called the Teen Team! There’s Robot, Atom Eve, Rex Splode, and Dupli-Kate. Dupli-Kate had duplikated and fixed up their ride, so they say a hearty goodbye and leave Mark alone. I’m sure he hasn’t seen the last of them! Sounds like a good team to join. The Teen Team! Unless you’re Matthew McConaughey, who keeps getting older. Ya know.

FORESHADOWING! Eve is gonna tear this kid a new giant b-hole.

The next day at school, Mark bumps into the un-costumed Atom Eve. “Hah! I knew it.”

“Hey, it’s you,” Eve says, not at all pretending to not know the kid at all for reasons I personally can’t fathom. “We’ve been in biology together all this time…” she sort-of smiles. It’s subtle enough for me to think there might actually be a sort of “get the fuck away from me” body language going on.

Mark yawns while Eve talks and apologizes. He was up all night, you see. Running around town half-naked. Eve doesn’t care, she knows how it is! Running around town half-naked, and that’s during her off-hours. Ha cha cha cha!

School’s out and they walk down the front steps. “Listen,” she tells him, “we’re following up on the incident from last night today. You’re welcome to tag along if you like.”

BONER POP! “I’d love to.”

She drags him behind a dumpster where I can only assume they undress in front of each other before they fly off. Unnoticed, of course, because, per Eve, “you’d be surprised how rarely people ever look up.”

I look up all the time! Every plane I see coming in or flying out of O’Hare looks like it’s going to crash. I’ve got my phone at the ready at all times.

They mosey over to TEEN TEAM HQ, where Robot is already checking out some parking lot security cam footage. He compliments Invincible on his real superhero costume. Dupli-Kate and Rex Splode are out on a mission. “He’ll be of good use, tonight,” he says of Mark. I imagine they’ll be using him as a flailing distraction while the both of them do some real hero work.

Robot pulls them into what he’s been up to that afternoon. He wiped Mauler’s memory of the robbery last night. Mauler is the guy who attempted the robbery last night! See, look at me! That’s called keeping up with the story, why don’t you try it sometime? Robot kept him near the toy store; perhaps they’ll get some more clues as to what he intended to do with pallets of Playstations and Sega Saturns and ColecoVisions. Time to get over to the store! HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HIKE!

Boner popping confirmed.

They find Mauler right by the toy store where Robot left him. He didn’t even go to Starbucks or anything for a quick frappuccino! Just stood there like a catatonic cow. But now he’s headed toward another building where he opens a door and finds another blue guy inside with a scientist lab coat and scientist goggles. I think he’s a scientist. He also has overalls, like some sort of hayseed scientist.

“Where have you been? We need those processors!” rebukes the hayseed scientist. “We’re not going to have enough to power the robots without that new shipment!”

Hold your horses, guv’nor. Everything’s jake. Except that it’s not! All he remembers is going to get those toys last night… and then fade to black. Sorry, boss. I mean, do we really need to power those robots? It’s just that–

“I don’t think you realize how important our work here is,” continues the scientist, treating Mauler like some sort of child who can’t handle the simple task of stealing an entire pallet of video game consoles from the toy store in the dead of night. They need those processors badly. They needed them yesterday! A week ago! 1967! What do you have to say for yourself???

Scientist opens a door, showing an army of robots within. “I’m not sure our plans can wait that long,” he says, referencing the next shipment that won’t be for another month. If the chip shortage is any indiciation, it’ll actually be well into 2024! That’s a long time to wait for your army of robots to start murdering some real bumbling buffoons.

“I think we’ve heard enough.” The Teen Team Lite announces their presence! Much to the chagrin of the two blue guys, who are startled and angered. Invincible and Atom Eve are going to take care of Mr. Scientist. Robot is going to handle Mr. Thievery Fugue. And then the beat-’em-up happens.

I want the Xbox’s! Gimme the Xbox’s! Daddy’s got his Mountain Dew and Doritos ready to go!

Invincible punches a guy in the face and Robot is like “Wow! Join our team!” Invincible smiles like “fuck yeah, Dad’s gonna be so proud and mad.”

Our issue ends with a man sleeping on a bench inside the local mall. He wakes up, groggy.

“Where am I?” he says, bewildered and patting his torso. Something’s not right.

He opens his shirt, revealing a bomb on his chest with one second left on it! AHHHH!!!–

BOOM!

Final Thoughts

Shit moves fast in Mark Grayson’s world. One minute he throws a bag of garbage high in the sky, the next minute he’s thwarting blue dudes and their ambitions to raise a robot army with a cohort of other teenage superheroes. Now a guy exploded in the mall? It’s madness.