Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 – “Yellow”! In the previous installment, the Justice League gets involved with Hal Jordan’s Spectre possession and whatever the hell is going on with Guy Gardner. John Stewart gets pissed at Batman for the final time and decides to pick a fantastic time to be possessed by the Spectre for three minutes. He starts blasting at everyone, but then the Spectre whisks Hal Jordan away to somewhere. Wherever. Who cares.

Long story short, the soul of Hal is possessed by the Spectre, but his body is now under the jurisdiction of the Guardians of the Universe. What that entails yet, I don’t know. Whatever. Who cares.

This is fun so far! Lot’s of green ink in the pages. Let’s keep this train rolling.

Green Lantern: Rebirth, Issue #3 [February, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Yellow”

UNHOLY TRINITY! A grimacing Hal Jordan! A smiling guy with Paulie Walnuts hair! Mr. Hooded Lantern! They’re all here! Oh boy!

Back at Highway Mill, New Mexico, where we keep returning to because Kyle Rayner has his legs mangled and can’t walk or whatever, we start to learn more about that Guardian who stole Hal Jordan’s sexy corpse. His name is Ganthet, and he is the last of the Guardians of the Universe. Which means he’s not doing much procreation anymore these days.

“He’s been the only one watching over the legacy of the Green Lantern Corps since he gave me the ring. He’s old. Like beginning-of-time Big-Bang-theory old.” Like, Sheldon wearing a Green Lantern shirt! That’s what we’re talking about here! I’m on the same page here.

He’s so old (“HOW OLD IS HE?!?!”)… he’s so old that he could crack the planet in half with a thought! … … oh, ok, well that connection doesn’t make too much sense, but the point of it remains the same. Ganthet is a tough cookie.

Ganthet tells Kilowog, again, to lower his dang ring before he starts cracking planets in half as if they were tough cookies. And Kilowog refuses.

Mi casa es su casa, homie.

“I’ve never seen him angry before,” Rayner thinks as he watches this calm, cool, and collected Smurf try to get what he wants. “I’ve never seen the Guardian emote much of any emotion. Until I came back from Sector 3599 and I confronted him about the Parallax.”

Here’s the part where we see some emotion, because Ganthet is mad, you see. The air gets hot, the wind completely stops, the silence is deafening. And Kilowog doesn’t care, he’s going to try to attack this Guardian like a complete dullard. This won’t turn out well for him, I can tell already! I’m pretty perceptive!

Kilowog attempts to blast a giant beam of green Kool-Aid out of his fist toward Stoic Ganthet Jones. Ganthet doesn’t move, but the pupils in his eyeballs disappear as he readies himself. A hurricane of, uh, green Kool-Aid, swirls around him and before he unleashes an extremely powerful burst of energy toward Kilowog. It catches him off guard! But he’s still in the fight. They continue trying to blow each other up for a bit.

Rnn indeed, my good man. Rnn indeed. Solidarity and whatnot.

Kyle gets caught up in the crossfire and has no choice but to try and use the ring. Shrapnel flying everywhere! Up down left right and inside his butt.

“An electrical charge shoots through my arm and into my heart,” he thinks as he makes a bunch of “ow” faces. There’s also a “rnn” in there for pain. “It’s reaching into my soul again. I fight it off. But it communicates visions to me. Trying to chip away at my will.”

This Green Lantern stuff sounds pretty strong! Maybe no one should wield the power. Maybe they all throw their rings into Mt. Doom and forget all this unpleasantness ever happened in any of their lives.

He sees visions of Guy Gardner: Hal Jordan’s understudy. “A man capable of overcoming fear.”

He sees visions of John Stewart: uh… an architect from Detroit. Guy Gardner’s understudy. The visions involve Stewart fucking up the rest of the Justice League pretty handily.

Rayner yells for the ring to stop showing him all these silly visions. These two are now gone. Guy Gardner and John Stewart have been compromised. “Damn it, Jordan,” Rayner grits his teeth, “you better be worth this!”

Pffft. That jerkoff? He’s not worth his dad’s stupid jacket that he inherited after that plane that also, if I’m not mistaken, killed a cow. That poor cow.

Outside the ruins of Coast City, where the Spectre decides to transport Hal Jordan, Hal Jordan hollers about why the Spectre decided to transport him (Hal Jordan) outside the ruins of Coast City. While wandering the eerie, empty, and intact streets, he approaches his old apartment building all “WUZZA WUZZA WAAHHH?” about it. Memories flood his puny brain of his good ol’ time spent bringing girls home to bang while the landlady complains. Ha, those were certainly the days, were they not?

It’s called the G-Spot Tornado, Mrs. Broome. Come over here and I’ll show ya.

Jordan slowly creeps up the vacant building’s staircase and approaches his unit. He creeeaks open the door to find this old apartment bathed in vibrant green light. A lantern, the source, sits on the floor.

“Who did all of this?” Jordan asks, picking up the lantern. “Who brought it all back?”

“YOU DID, JORDAN,” answers a creepy-crawly face on the side of the lantern. Eek! It’s a reflection! Eeek! It’s Hal Jordan! Eeeeek! It’s some Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde situation! Eeek eek eeeek! EEK EEK EEEEK.

“WE DID.”

Eek

Back in CIDER MILL SALT FARM TORTILLA BADLANDS NEW MEXICO or whatever the fuck, Rayner helps Ganthet make Kilowog eat the curb. Rayner is relieved to learn that the two kids who helped him have been safely removed from the situation (maimed and killed and stuffed into seven garbage bags). “Hal Jordan’s body seems to be unharmed,” explains Ganthet, which is probably not true since the last Guardian of the Universe has needs too, you know. “The residual energy he held as Parallax preserved it as I believed it might.”

Well that’s good to know! Hal Jordan’s body pickled by the Parallax. That’s pretty convenient. But this is all information that Rayner needs to tell the members of the Justice League! If Batman doesn’t get to know everything about everything, he gets quite angry and he’ll stomp off to his Batcave again. And he won’t take a shower for several weeks.

Then there’s some stuff about Ganthet needing Rayner to keep the ring and Rayner doesn’t want it. But he can’t – shouldn’t – give it up because evil possessive powers of the ring can’t sneak up on those who know fear? Even though it’s already gotten Kilowog, Guy Garnder, and John Stewart, so they must have fear? But Rayner doesn’t? Am I understanding that correctly? And Ganthet needs Rayner to keep it and use it and go be Green Lantern? To save Hal Jordan? And the universe too? But mostly Hal Jordan? Is that right? Hello?

Also, hope is useless. Don’t bank on hope to help you during your Green Lantern endeavors. Only willpower will work. Hope will not. No hope. No hope, jobs, or cash. Understand, son? Hello?

All along the Watchtower, HQ of the Justice League and their smelly, unwashed costumes, the place is a complete disheveled mess. It looks like someone floated up in the air and tried killing the Justice League here! Rude! No one’s left. Not a soul. Where is everyone? Hello?

Oh, ok, I see now. The pointless members of the Justice League are still around. That’s cool and good, I suppose. Bleh.

Mutant Martian Monster Magnet and Mr. Fake Fantastic and Dr. Late Night are still hanging around, so there’s that at least.

*crickets*

Also, there’s a power ring still floating around these parts. Rayner can feel that shit coursing through the veins in his flaccid little pud. AHA! Green Arrow is here too! Thank, uhm, Jesus Christ and also Aristotle and Socrates and Julius Caesar and Kiefer Sutherland. Has anyone really stopped and thought about that guy’s name, by the way? Kiefer.

I suppose Rayner and Green Arrow have a history, because Rayner has about 1000 people on his list he would rather be hanging out with right now. Elon Musk, Donald Trump, Jr., all those cops who keep killing people. All above Green Arrow.

Rayner had been teleported here, I think. Also here is Hal Jordan in his casket. It’s a real party.

Speaking of Hal Jordan in his casket, we go back to Hal Jordan out of his casket in his fake apartment in his fake coastal town to start screamin’ at the Parallax. Just a bunch of a HUB UB BUBUBLBUB at this guy with the silver wingtips in his hair from the cover.

“Parallax. You’re NOT me. Not anymore,” Jordan blubbers.
“Correct,” Parallax McSilver Fox agrees all smiley-like, “I am part of you, Jordan.”
“ARRR!” Jordan answers.

A solid interaction thus far! The room swirls with more of that tasty green light, sending DC Comics in a tizzy to get more ink for the printers. Holy Jesus.

Guys, come on. This gangbang isn’t as fun anymore as it was at the beginning.

Parallax promises to fulfill Jordan’s greatest desires. His life back. Everything he ever wanted. CAROL FERRIS, Hal. You can have Carol Ferris’ bleached butthole! Just say the word.

A new guy pops in. “VENGEANCE! WE MUST DELIVER… Nnngg.”

Aha, Mr. Nnngg is the third guy on the cover. The Spectre. I see now! Finally, I can put a name to the face of each of the multiple personalities! That’s fun!

Spectre wants the spirit of vengeance. It can’t fail.
Parallax wants Spectre to shut the fuck up.

So they fight each other with Hal Jordan screaming like a dork in the middle. Spectre appears to win out and allow Jordan to “see the truth about Parallax” and the “truth about himself”. And nothing but the truth. So help him god.

While that may be quite exciting, we needs must get back to the Rayner / Green Arrow conversation. Rayner is laying down some 4-1-1 about what powers these rings. It ain’t just light flowing through, you idiot. The central battery collects willpower from everything in the universe and converts it energy. Ya ding dong. “There’s an emotional electromagnetic spectrum out there that can be harnessed and used. Green willpower is the most pure…”

Oh fuck me. Is Geoff Johns the comic book writer really going to start talking about electromagnetic spectrums right now?

So Green Arrow asks what this has to do with Jordan, which is a very good question. I hope it gets answered while I play some more Xbox!

…

…

And we’re back! … Oh, not answered yet? OK, I’ll stick around for this explanation. Kyle Rayner feels like he didn’t belong here on Earth anymore after everything that’s been happening, so he fucked back off to space. And on the edge of the universe, he found what he aptly describes as “something”.

“On the tenth planet from the sun Pagalus.”

HOLD THE PHONE. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO START TALKING ABOUT ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUMS AND THE TENTH PLANET FROM PAGALUS? I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK RIGHT NOW.

When Rayner was on the tenth planet from buttfuck Pagalus, the people there were scared of his spooOoOOooOOOooky ring. An elder, some senile bastard of the community, told tales of Parallax single-handedly ending the universe. A creature was born at the very beginning of sentience.

It was yellow.

The art department had barrels of unused yellow ink lying around and made some demands.

It terrorized and destroyed and ruined and maimed and annoyed and tormented and conquered! And all that fear just fed the creature, causing it to grow stronger! And more fearful! The cycle continues and so forth. Anyway, the Parallax. It’s yellow, man. Like Mr. Burns.

GREEN ARROW THINKS THIS IS POPPYCOCK! Rayner continues…

So Parallax sought to end the universe with his fear-mongering. Tasty, tasty fear. Now HERE COME THE GUARDIANS to save the day. They started collecting green willpower and building a battery while Parallax collected yellow fear. “The opposite energies couldn’t destroy one another…”

…but they were able to contain Parallax – imprison him – and send him into an unconscious state that the Guardians believed was permanent. Over time, the legend of the scary yellow Parallax died down and became largely forgotten… but the rings still reacted poorly to the color yellow. Weakened them. Rendered them no more useful than decoder rings! And those are pretty useful during decoding situations!

“And only someone capable of overcoming great fear could master the power ring.”

“For billions of years, Parallax was basically dead. And the Green Lantern Corps thrived.”

*doorbell rings to deliver my pizza, which didn’t take nearly as long as this story*

THIS “JUST FOR MEN” TOUCH OF GRAY IS WORKING WONDERS!

One day, for no reason whatsoever, Parallax woke up and now things are bad again! He was weak, but MAN was he hungry. And he sought a nice host. A nice strong host with strong manly Green Lantern manly manliness. And, for some reason, based on this criteria, somehow, he settled on Hal Jordan. His aim was to make Jordan weak. To make him afraid. To make him…deliciously horny…

So the hair turned white from stress and fear. Hal was like “big whoop”. Then Mongul came around and helped destroy Coast City, killing everyone Hal knew and loved. Hal was like “big whoop”. But, on the inside, Hal was like, this really is a big whoop :[

Blah blah blah. It all warped Hal Jordan’s sense of right and wrong and now he’s a shell of a man and he’s a scared little boy and my pizza is getting cold.

When Hal Jordan tried to recreate the destroyed Coast City, the Guardians were like “Bad Boy” and threatened to take away his Green Lantern privileges. And scared little fight-or-flight Jordan decided to fight instead of flight! The Guardians didn’t like this very much, as you could imagine. And the rest is history.

He kept fighting back against the Corps and against the Guardians. And then desperate times called for desperate measures! They freed Sinestro from his “power battery prison”, which I think is code for “his Gameboy Pocket”. Still a stupid fucking idea, but hey, the Guardians know best. Plus, Sinestro is all mean and red looking, so he could fear the fear out of Jordan in a real jiffy.

There’s a panel of the two of them screaming at each other while mildly nuzzling each other with their ring powers.

Sinestro couldn’t stop him! Jordan broke Sinestro’s scrawny neck! lmao and lol! Then he destroyed the green central battery, which not only gave Jordan all the power in the Green Universe of Greenness, but also freed Parallax once and for all! And the rest is history.

Isn’t this story exciting?! I’m excited!

And then the big yellow bug infiltrated Air Jordan, and the rest is history.

And the rest is history!

“Even when Jordan relit the sun, and sacrificed his life to save Earth – it was just a momentary glimpse of the real man shining through.” Yeah, it really sucks that the great, beloved Hal Jordan was taken over by something so sinister. It’s a real… *yawn* …it’s really a shame, isn’t it?

Rayner had always wondered why his ring was never affected by yellow, but it all makes sense! (?)

It’s because the Parallax is free. I guess it’s a big deal, huh? He never really thought it was anything important, just something nagging at him from time to time. Like an OVERBEARING WIFE! Right fellas?

And Hal? He would’ve stopped himself if he even knew himself was not himself! Oh the irony. Or something similar to irony.

“I did not allow your soul to be drawn to me without reason,” the Spectre explains. “I hoped by binding to your infected being, that I would have the ability to burn out this Parallax like a disease.”

Tough tittles, Spectre! Even the Parallax is stronger than your weak, shitty powers! He is here to stay like a bad habit. The Hal Jordan everyone knew is dead! Say hello to Parallax Jones! A HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!

Cute.

Fun story, Kyle. Green Arrow is miserable now, trying to process the death, so to speak, of his old buddy. He’s also trying to process why the Guardians threw the Parallax in the battery in the first place. Something isn’t right here. Ganthet isn’t telling the whole truth here about being blindsided by all this.

Doesn’t matter right now, though. Ganthet tells truths, Ganthet tells lies, blah blah blah. Rayner’s job was to retrieve Hal’s body from the sun and he did it. End of story. He almost died himself in the process, but hey, the Guardians know best. Don’t question the Smurfs, you grumpy little Gargamel.

Fine, so what can they do? What can they DO? What can THEY do? What CAN they do? WHAT can they do? Hey, Kyle, it works with every inflection! That’s kinda cool. OK, nevermind, gotta focus here… they need to figure something out before Parallax corrupts the Spectre just like it corrupted Jordan. Then what? Chaos! CHAOS! CHAos. ChaOS. OK, it doesn’t really work with that, heh.

There’s still two questions, though: 1) why did Parallax target Hal Jordan out of thousands of Corps members, as 2) who released that motherfucker from the battery in the first place? Who the hell would or could wake it up?

Surprise, it’s Sinestro!

Final Thoughts

That’s not a surprise! I’ve only read one other Green Lantern story in my whole life and I know Sinestro’s the Big Bad round these parts!

I’m not sure how I feel about the beginning of this epic Geoff Johns Green Lantern journey. It’s chaotic and green and there are too many characters to try and remember. Batman? Who the hell is that?!