Tagline:
Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks made a movie so titillating we can only show you this drawing.

Wide Release Date:
October 31, 2008

Directed by:
Kevin Smith
Written by:
Kevin Smith
Produced by:
Scott Mosier

Starring:
Seth Rogen
Elizabeth Banks
Craig Robinson
Jason Mewes
Traci Lords
Jeff Anderson
Katie Morgan
Ricky Mabe

PREGAME THOUGHTS

Zack and Miri Make a Porno came out in the same month as Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, which, to this day, prompts me to conflate the two as “Zack and Nick and Miri and Norah Make an Infinite Porno Playlist”. I’m so fucking funny.

I’ve only seen the first four Kevin Smith movies, having gone through a VERY brief phase in college. Every single one was disappointing. I like the idea of Kevin Smith, I like the idea of his movies, but nothing ever lands for me. I’m not even sure why I’m watching this, other than I think Seth Rogan is hilarious. Is that going to be enough to carry the movie for me? Is it going to be enough to carry Kevin Smith’s 500 pound bulk? I saw that he looks like cancer patient now. I hope that works out for him.

THE 500(ish)-WORD SYNOPSIS

Zack (Seth Rogan) and Miri (Elizabeth Banks) have known each other since 1st grade. They are roommates in a shitty apartment in a shitty Pittsburgh suburb, where they work dead-end jobs for very little wage. They have no relationships. They can’t afford to pay their bills. Life is in the toilet.

Look on the bright side, Seth Rogen. You may some day afford a mirror.

During their 10-year high school reunion, Zack meets the boyfriend of Miri’s crush, Brandon (Justin Long), who works in Los Angeles as a gay pornstar. After some ruminating, and some utilities in the apartment being shut off, Zack has the wild idea to make a pornographic film in order to pay the bills! Great idea, right?! Kevin Smith! Part of the deal, too, is that Zack and Miri get to fuck each other on camera. After some coaxing from Zack, Miri eventually agrees to do it as long as no one catches feelings. We all know how this little trope is going to play out.

Zack and Miri settle on a Star Wars parody for their porn flick (“Star Whores”) and hire friends and willing participants, including some real life pornstars, Kevin Smith’s buddy Jason Mewes, and Craig Robinson as Delaney. Among, like, two others. But who cares. They’re probably Kevin Smith’s friends too.

Pictured on the far right is Jason Mewes, famous for being that one guy in all those movies by that one guy,.

The warehouse that Delaney rents for shooting the film gets demolished the day they intend to start production, with all the equipment destroyed along with it. This really puts a damper in Zack’s drawers, but after realizing that his shithead boss has installed surveillance cameras in the coffee shop where he works, he comes up with the fantastic idea to shoot the film there after closing time! This really puts a pep in Zack’s step. Better to have a step with pep than drawers with damper, no one has ever said.

Filming commences. Actors take turns fucking each other. Zack and Miri prepare for their own big scene, but, during the course of filming, as they say, feelings have been caught. When they finally do it on camera, it’s romantic (and, therefore, bad for porn).

Drama ensues. During one night one of the actresses wants to try having sex with Zack, and despite the hurt looks from Miri, he goes into the bedroom with her. Afterward, she pretends not to care about Zack at all. Zack lays all his cards out on the table and admits that he loves her. He also admits that he and the other actress never had sex, they just spent the evening talking about Miri. When Miri still pretends to not care about him at all, Zack storms off the set and moves out of the apartment.

Oh snap, I didn’t think a Cleveland Steamer could look so… Picasso-esque.

Three months later, Delaney approaches Zack at his new job to tell him that the unfinished porno needs finishing. Zack agrees and goes with Delaney to his house. There, Zack learns that Miri never shot any scenes with anyone else. Following this, Zack returns to his old apartment to reiterate that he never had sex with anyone but Miri. They reconcile, they kiss, they fuck, they live happily ever after.

Kevin Smith!

TOM’S DISCUSSION CORNER

TOPIC 1 — Kevin Smith!

Ugh.

OK, here’s the thing. I did enjoy this movie to the extent that I left it satisfied enough. I have no desire to ever see it again.

Seth Rogen sells it better than anyone else in that role could, but the idea to make a pornography did always seem like veiled, elaborate attempt to fuck Elizabeth Banks. I think Kevin Smith tried pretty hard for it to not seem that way, but Kevin Smith isn’t the genius that he thinks he is.

Let’s see. Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, and Dogma. These are the Kevin Smith movies I had seen way back when, and all of them are seriously flawed. Don’t even get me started on Chasing Amy. A man “saves” a woman from lesbianism? Go fuck yourself. Everything Kevin Smith does smacks of flagrant self-insertion. The first Daredevil (1998) comic book storyline involved a bad guy who was a misunderstood film director. Then he flipped it with Daredevil saying some very mean things to him, causing him to commit suicide. A lot of wish-fulfillment on that one.

“I gotta package for ya. Heh heh. A package of dick Heh heh. For your vagina.” – Kevin Smith

Seth Rogen is by no means ugly, but he’s a rather portly and conventionally unattractive fellow. Elizabeth Banks, in 2008, was perhaps the most conventionally attractive woman crossing over into comedy movies. Let’s compare: Kevin Smith is by every means ugly. His wife, Jennifer Schwalbach, is good-looking enough to be married to someone who isn’t a 500-lb hack. That is to say, I can’t fault Zack and Miri for being an entirely unbelievable romance plot, I guess, but this is still a “fat guy gets the hot girl” story. And I maintain extreme skepticism about how much romance there really is in Kevin Smith’s marriage.

TOPIC 2 — Seth Rogen Is Hilarious

Per Kevin Smith, Seth Rogen was the one he had in mind to play Zack. If Rogen declined, the movie would not have been made.

In what I consider to be a rather mediocre movie, Rogen made it worth it. Popular opinion of Rogen is mixed, but I’m on the side that loves everything he does. He’s got a natural, everyman, down-to-earth aura. He doesn’t seem like a big movie star, he seems like your funny cousin. He’s endearing and charming, and by all accounts he’s a cool-ass dude.

That’s all I have to say. I don’t hate Seth Rogen. If you do, you won’t like this movie.

WERD TO MAC VS. PC.

IMDb TRIVIA FUNHOUSE!

The f-word is said 229 times.
Edgy! That Kevin Smith is not for your grandma!

Near the end of the film, Traci Lords is seen on a rotating bed, spanking two of her co-stars with a riding crop. This is a parody of the final scene in the adult film New Wave Hookers (1985), one of the last films Lords performed in before it was discovered that she was underage at the time of filming.
Man, this bit of trivia depresses me for about four reasons, and I’ll just leave it at that.

According to Kevin Smith in his SModcast episode 423, Justin Long (Brandon) had a cold on his day of shooting. He suggested to Kevin Smith that his character have a deeper voice as this is what he had observed while watching gay porn as research.
lol, “watching gay porn as research”. I mean, I think watching gay porn is perfectly ok for anyone! But lol all the same.

Citizen Kane (1941)

The mention of Fleshlights in this film was not product placement. However, Fleshlight would go on to sponsor Kevin Smith’s Smodcast/podcast network, and get many endorsements from Smith himself who claims he “keeps several around the house.”
This is the worst bit of trivia I’ve ever come across for anything. I don’t want to hear anything more about Kevin Smith’s cum for the rest of my life.

IS IT WORTH A WATCH?

This is a tough question to answer. Personally, I like Seth Rogen enough to sit through an hour and a half of porn jokes and flopping Jason Mewes penises. If Zack was played by literally any other actor, I might change my tune on that. In short, if you hate Seth Rogen, then this movie has literally nothing else to offer.

Also, all the romantic scenes were really awkward. Elizabeth Banks fawning over Seth Rogen makes me cringe. She should be fucking Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer for my money.