Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29 – “Stolen Identity”! In the previous installment, a mysterious new bad guy named Rhino is terrorizing Manhattan. Just stampeding around, tearing into cars, throwing cars at police, and hating cars in general. It’s really rude.

Peter Parker spends most of the issue trying to get downtown. When he finally does get there to try and stop Rhino, Iron Man had already beaten him to the day-saving punch. Oh well, try again tomorrow.

Issue #28 likely has nothing to do with what’s going forward! Maybe we’ll see Peter Parker try a bunch of different cereals next. Wouldn’t that be exciting?

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #29 [December, 2002]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Stolen Identity”

THE MOST EXCITING BEGINNING TO AN ISSUE OF ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN YET! Ben Urich is having trouble with the ATM, so he’s talking to the bank teller. SUSPENSE! WILL SHE SOLVE HIS PROBLEM?

She recognizes the name on the card and asks if he’s THEE Ben Urich? The reporter kinda guy Ben Urich? She looks like she’s waiting for him to ask her out on a date. “You wrote the piece that took down the Kingpin?” she asks him, beaming. He responds with modesty, because what’s he gonna do? Be all like “THAT’S ‘MR. YOU WROTE THE PIECE THAT TOOK DOWN THE KINGPIN, SIR’ TO YOU, MA’AM”?

“You, sir, are a prince,” she smiles.

“Oh, well, uh, thank you,” he responds.

“And brave.”

“Well…” It sounds like he doesn’t want to admit that the story was literally dropped into his lap. Figuratively, actually! It was dropped onto his desk, but the fact remains: he didn’t really do shit.

Their conversation is halted by a very loud CRASH! The kind of CRASH that indicates a BANK ROBBERY is about to COMMENCE.

Twist. It’s fuckin’ Spider-Man??

“Don’t anybody move!!” the spindly little dickens yells, grabbing a dazed officer that he had thoroughly webbed. “You hear me?! This is a robbery!! You want to get out of here in one piece… you’ll do what I say!!”

Cue opening credits. Maybe Family Matters or Bonanza would be good music here! The Office?

Spider-Man: knocking yarmulkes off of Jewish people’s heads since 1939.

He tells everyone to hit the floor and then, like a Karen, asks to see the manager. He asks to see him so he can whack the fuck out of him! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK SMACK! He picks up the barely conscious bank manager David Rosenberg and addresses the tellers behind the glass. “I want every one of you useless broads to fill a money bag up with the big bills… and I know what a paint can looks like!” Then he launches Rosenberg through the glass.

Our cuddly spider webs his way to the tellers’ area and awaits his cash payout, demanding that everyone on the floor get moving post haste. When that doesn’t happen, he threatens to snap someone’s neck. Everyone just stares at this guy. Ben just looks annoyed. Suspicious. Like he’s looking at a goddamn hologram! Something’s off about this Spider-Man character… usually… usually he doesn’t rob anybody…

Later in the office, Ben Urich, who obviously either escaped unscathed OR he was killed and resurrected like Jesus, recounts the story to an ecstatic J. Jonah Jameson. “And no one else from the press was there? Exclusive!! Ha ha!! I live for this.”

Jameson is thinking up the headlines now, such as “Wall Crawler Shows True Colors”. He’s giddy that this superhero has turned out to be the SUPER ZERO that he always wanted him to be. Robbie Robertson is less than thrilled that the spidery one has done a heel turn, to which Jameson calls him an “NPR listening ninny”. That Ira Glass though, he’s got that SEXY ENERGY.

Peter Parker walks into the office smiling like a dingus. Betsy Brant lets him know what happened and why Jameson is ejaculating all over the office right now, which makes Parker freeze in horror. “Whozeewhat?” he says like a cartoon character! Coincidentally.

Robertson and Jameson keep arguing about Spider-Man while Urich unsuccessfully tries to catch their attention. “I’m not – Well, I’m not sure it’s the same Spider-Man as the one who fought Doctor Octopus on TV,” he says, grabbing the back of his neck sheepishly. He didn’t have the same flair. Pizazz. Moxie. Gumption. Spider-Man has the grace of an ice dancer! This guy who robbed the bank, he was thunking all over the place. Like a drunk bull in a Chinese shop, or whatever.

“Oh, come on!!” Jameson gets up his face. Urich is totally ruining his moment here.

“First of all,” Urich throws his hands up, “why would Spider-Man all of a sudden–”

“Why would a successful football player suddenly kill his wife?” Jameson shoots back before Urich can even finish his dang point. “People turn. Like milk. People turn.”

Kiss me, you fool!

Ben’s not having it. Something is odd here and he’s not about to smear the possible good name of someone who has, thus far, shown nothing but altruistic bravery. Personally, I’m on Jonah’s side. A robbery happened at the fucking bank by SOMEBODY in a Spider-Man costume. It doesn’t matter who actually did it, write the story. It’s a story! Write the story!

Ben throws up his hands again. “Fine.”

Jubilation! J. Jonah Jubilation can see the headline now! Front page news! Daily Bugle gets more clout, son!

He spots a frowning Peter Parker and gets an idea. “Where are those pictures that the kid brought us that time? We’ll use one of the kid’s. Yeah, that’s it. That’s the ticket!”

OK, Jon Lovitz.

Jameson points at the still dejected Parker. “There’s your perfect front page – Spider Man: Criminal!”

OK, Fiona Apple.

After work, Parker is on the subway cradling his legs in the fetal position. “Congratulations, whoever you are…” he thinks, “you knocked the wind right out of me.” This kid defeated the Green Goblin. The Kingpin. Doctor Octopus. Kraven the Hunter. Green Goblin again. And now? This is new territory! If I were him, I’d hang up my Spider-Man tights once and for all.

He’s so sad he didn’t even want to swing home Spider-Man-style. He’s taking the subway like a commoner. “I cannot catch a break,” he says for the 460th time in 29 issues.

Now what about Mary Jane? He should’ve never told her he was Spider-Man. Will she believe him about the robbery? Grrr, what a situation! Time for a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Phish Food is the good stuff. And–

Oh shit! Police are at the house!

It’s ok. It’s ok. Gwen Stacy is passed out on the couch. Aunt May is at the kitchen table talking to Captain Stacy about his degenerate daughter. The Good Captain doesn’t want to impose… it’s just that they have no other family… and, well, Gwen has taken a liking to the Parker household… and she really wants to jump Peter’s bones… so…

Speaking of jumping bones, I can tell Aunt May thinks Captain Stacy is a sexy piece!

Aunt May shooting the ol’ “fuck me” daggers out of her eyes.

Captain Stacy feels ashamed of himself. He’s not a good father. Gwen deserves a good mother. She deserves a good family. They both admit that they’re not very good at being single, but this conversation gets halted when Parker accidentally makes a floorboard creak. They both smile at the kid weakly. “Captain Stacy here has a Police Detectives Conference in Atlantic City this weekend…” Aunt May tells the little pantswetter. “So I offered to let your friend Gwen stay with us until he gets back.”

BRRT! BRRRRT!! This is not especially good news, and Parker is dumb enough to tell MJ about it the next day in the basement. “She’s in the house right now?” MJ asks him, eyes wide. “She’s sleeping here?”

MJ doesn’t understand. It’s inscrutable! She’s wearing a crop top that says “JUICY” on it. She seems mad at Parker even though he didn’t do anything! The only CRIME here that he committed was ROB A BANK!

… oh wait. No. Whoops.

MJ starts screaming. “Well, what am I supposed to think?! First, she’s just showing up here in the middle of the night… and – and – and now she’s sleeping over? In – in – in her pajamas?”

Parker doesn’t know what to say other than he doesn’t like her. He likes MJ! Come on, now! “I’m not going to do anything with her,” he says quietly. She’s not happy. This is inappropriate.

“Do you not trust me?” he asks.

“I don’t trust her!! Okay?” MJ snarls.

Parker doesn’t know what to do. Aunt May is doing this as a favor. He can’t do anything about it. MJ is mad. What should he do? Aunt May is doing this as a favor. MJ is mad. Parker doesn’t know what to do!

“Did you tell her you were Spider-Man?” MJ asks, eyes narrowed, tears running down her cheeks.

Hell no, Sister! Are you cuckoo bananas?!

MJ storms off.

Women! Right, fellas?!

Remember when Parker said “I’m not going to do anything with her?” Well, he is, ladies and gentlemen. Right in front of Aunt May. Right on the kitchen table!

They’re doing homework! What were you thinking, you perverted sex offender.

The TV is turned to the news, where a special report is underway. A local jewelry store is being robbed by Spider-Man. “Police have made numerous attempts to negotiate with the Spider-Man and there is no word on what the hostage situation is just yet. But it looks like the rumors are true, Spider-Man has officially joined the ranks of criminals.”

Eek! Parker looks salty. Time to be Spider-Man. He asks Aunt May if he can go over to MJ’s for a bit, and then he costumes up and slings about town trying to get to the jewelry store before more damage is done. The police swarm the outside of the jewelry store, all “we have the place surrounded” and “come out with your hands up” and “we could be shooting black people right now, but nooooooo”.

The real Spider-Man swings over the store and lands on the front window, intending to have a chit-chat with the imposter inside. “Get your hands on your head!!” a cop screams. Spider-Man thinks he has a handle on this situation, but the only thing he has a handle on is his own dick.

“Oh, come on… you are talking to the actual Spider-Man now – hence I am not robbing anything in there and talking to you out here.

Shit doesn’t matter. The cop yells through his bullhorn that Spider-Man has until the count of three.

The count of three, huh? The count of three until what? Huh?

Youch, kids. Don’t piss off the cops, they’ll shoot you with their stupid guns.

Oh. Well, that certainly is a thing.

Final Thoughts

This dumb bitch got himself shot! He should’ve just stayed home and tongued Gwen Stacy’s various orifices, but now he’s dead. See you next issue!