Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #15 – “Prey (Conclusion): The Kill”! In the previous installment, Dr. Hugo Strange is able to infiltrate Batman’s head with a hallucinogen that causes him to vividly relive his parents’ murder and freak out about it and stuff. Captain Jim Gordon finds out that Sgt. Cort is feeding Dr. Strange information from the police department, and that it is known that Gordon is aiding Batman. All the while, Dr. Strange is holding the Mayor’s daughter hostage and she is not too happy about it. He’s being really weird with it.

This is the conclusion, but I don’t know what exactly is to be concluded. The whole story revolves around the cops trying to catch Batman, but I don’t know what Batman has to do to get them on his side. Ain’t gonna happen! Gordon’s going to have to leak hallucinogenic gas into the department!

Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight (Vol. 1), Issue #15 [February, 1991]
Written by: Doug Moench
“Prey (Conclusion): The Kill”

Bruce is crying in his Batcave, head a-swimmin’ with all sorts of thoughts. A whole page of thoughts that amount to this: Dr. Hugo Strange got under his skin even though he specifically made a point to avoid letting Dr. Hugo Strange get under his skin.

He can’t shake the invasive voices of his parents giving him shit for letting them get murdered right in front of him. “You should be ashamed, Bruce, and we’ve decided you must be punished. We’re going to haunt you…”

Ghosts are always hauntin’. Don’t ghosts have better things to do with their time? Catch up on some books? Have friendly encounters with their loved ones, talk about the weather and movies? Sports? Come on, now, what about sports??

Meanwhile, Night Scourge keeps striking innocent people down. Spilling blood everywhere. The ground, his clothes, on other peoples’ blood. Nothing is safe from the blood spillage! The news report calls out the Gotham Police Department to stop the unpredictable serial attacks. Do your jobs, you ACAB poster children!

Alfred pops into the cave to ask Bruce when he’s going to get out of the cave. The answer is a resounding “not yet”. Alfred advises against trying to recover in the cave. Bruce tells him that the cave is the best place for it. So get the fuck out of the cave and let him stay in the cave. So Alfred exits the cave, but not before he leaves Bruce’s dinner in the cave.

Cave.

Bruce spends a chunk of time ruminating upon what the cave symbolizes for Batman and what Batman symbolizes for the city and what being Batman means to him. He’ll turn in the full report to his fourth grade teacher tomorrow morning. Batman = Bat Man. As in, man like a bat. As in, swirling around caves and eating rats and skulking in the night. This is what Bruce wants to do, and he’ll be goddamned if he’s going to let Dr. Strange prevent him from reaching his goals! And so on and so forth. What’s Gordon up to?

Put the knife down, Gordon. You’re drunk and high.

Here’s what Gordon’s up to! He’s going to slice his hand and become blood brothers with Batman! OR, he’s rooting through Sgt. Cort’s desk to look for clues as to why he’s coming into the office tired and vacant. “…as if he’s spending his nights doing something other than sleeping… other than police work.”

Bruce does a Hail Mary here and calls up Gordon. One last chance to keep the trust. Will Gordon do as Batman asks?? The answer is a resounding “huh, maybe”.

Dr. Strange is doing what Dr. Strange does best: being a complete wackaloon. What’s-her-name is still bound and gagged, he’s still yammering on and on about the superficiality of women and why a NICE GUY like him can’t get the ladies. He’s dressed as Batman now, pretending to be the object of her affections and pretending that it’s she who can’t have him. SHE who can’t have HIM! Madness! I’m starting to think this guy’s not playing with a full deck!

We don’t get to know what Bruce asked of Gordon yet, but it was probably “sex”. Gordon is on board with the plan. “A simple plan,” Gordon muses. “The oldest in the book – and a perfect opportunity for betrayal. The perfect chance to bag the Batman and keep my job. Exactly what the Mayor ordered.”

“Only problem is… if I obey, he may never see his daughter again.” Well, that is a problem unless – hear me out on this – Mayor Klass doesn’t really even like his daughter that much! Not a problem anymore! She can stay tied to that bed for the rest of her life without a shred of guilt or shame on anyone’s part now. Whew, that’s a load off my mind!

In the Batcave, Bruce assures Alfred that things are better. He has spent three straight days in the cave, but he’s better! Better than better! In fact, he finished work on his whip. The Batmobile! It makes such a grand, vroomy entrance that it scares Alfred to bits! “It seems you’ve spent your time down here, sir, on more than healing,” he says as Batman readies himself to cruise on out of there. “I’m off, Alfred,” he grins.

Yeah, off his rocker.

Next thing we know, Batman has entered Strange’s apartment/ hotel room / suite / hovel for a full-on confrontation. Strange takes this as an action of surrender. An admittal of defeat. A confession of uncontrollable horniness.

Oh yes, thank you for asking! Frolicking through meadows. Curing cancer and ending world hunger. Having sex with Scarlett Johansson twins. All the usual stuff.

They start doing the whole hero / villain back-and-forth. How did Strange do it? Supreme intellect! Is Catherine ok? Sort of! He must have had help, right? Hell no, too smart for that!

Strange hates that Batman denies his weird hallucinogenic dreams. He knows that Batman’s parents are dead and that seeing them again opened up some really gross old wounds. “My mother and father live in Paraguay,” Batman says simply. Raarrrgghh! FUCK you! Dr. Strange isn’t having this, but he WILL claim this as a victory and he will call the police post-haste!

“Save your dime, Dr. Strange,” Jim Gordon snarls, entering the room with some no-name cop.

“Then, the Batman wasn’t the kidnapper,” the cop says uselessly. Gordon all but whacks him in the head with a pistol.

Gordon slaps the cuffs on Strange. Batman reveals that he’s been taping the conversation the whole time, except there’s nothing entirely incriminating except Batman lying about his parents living in Paraguay. We all know they were brutally murdered in front of you, ya idgit.

“No… I won… I can’t lose… not fair…” Strange mumbles as he’s taken away. The useless cop points to the bound and gagged woman in the bedroom and is like duuuurrr is dat da mayor’s daughter??

Looks like every thread has been tied up! Let’s all go home to our Salisbury steak TV dinners and– WAIT, WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHO HAS BEEN HELPING STRANGE! Was it Jeff Goldblum? No? Then we better start investigating. We were all kinda hoping it was Jeff Goldblum.

Batman nudges Gordon along on this train of thought. He knows that Gordon knows who it is. Gordon doesn’t know that Batman knows that Gordon knows who it is… until now… uhh…

The nerd is a slippery one, Captain!

Somehow, because all police officers are incompetent, Dr. Strange wriggles out of his grasp and runs away going “NYAHHRRRR”. “The predator has become the prey,” Batman thinks as Strange gallivants toward the river.

And while Strange runs away, the mice come to play! Whatever that means! I’m delirious! The “mice” are other cops screeching their tires and cornering the Bat-Vigilante. “Cort said shoot to kill!” wails one of them. The guns go “BRAM”. Dr. Strange, dressed as Batman, gets clipped and he plunges into the river.

Oh the hubris! The cops thought he was the real Batman! ISN’T THAT CUH-RAZY???

“But it’s still not over, Gordon,” Batman hisses. “Whoever helped him, he’s the Night Scourge.” Gordon doesn’t know who it is, but he’s got a funny feeling in his pants that it’s Max Cort minus the Funky Bunch. Batman’s not going to let this one get away, no siree. He follows Cort’s car into a tunnel, where he stops and gets out. Bewildering! Maybe he’s dealing drugs, and–

No, he’s getting his Night Scourge jammies on. Gordon was right! So now the Bat Guy starts following him, laying low, striking sexy poses, but he loses him…

“Hunting for someone?” asks a sinister voice from behind. SHRANK. KANKT. FWHUF. FFFF. Knives a-flutter. Narrow misses. “Better. I’m better than him. Hugo Strange said so. I’m better than the Batman.”

Nope! Go fuck your whole self, sir. They fight for a bit. Night Scourge and his knives. Batman and his… … serrated knives. Usually those are for cutting bread, but not today!

“Drop the blades, Cort.”

“Who’s Cort? I’m the Night Scourge.”

Hmm. A salient point, but has anyone seen Cort and the Night Scourge in the same room at the same time? These are the kind of questions people should be asking.

HWOKK. SHRRRPP. Night Scourge slices Batman’s shoulder. D’oh! These knives, they’re getting in the way. Gotta get rid of them, but how? And why? And where? And who? And how? Aha, some ninja stars will certainly do the trick! SKANG and KTANG, they gone. And now Batman has the edge! Get it? Ha ha ha! D’oh!

This is great! Batman is powerful as shit! No one can stop him now! Ahhh ha hahha haha – oh wait, he’s reaching for the knives again. That wasn’t part of the plan!

Cunts? Is that what you were about to say? Like a wet bag of rotten cunts?

Batman is about to get sliced up badly, but a cat o’ nine tails whips onto the large knife and pulls it toward her. Or him! It could be a “him”. But it’s not. It’s Catwoman. “We’re even. Give him hell on your own now.”

All the hubbub was enough of a distraction for Night Scourge to get back into his Cortmobile and drive the fuck away. “Strange was wrong!” he panics. “I’m not better than him – not even as good – but I got away! I’m still free!”

His getaway is very successful, as long as your definition of “very successful” means Cort flipping his car over almost 30 seconds later. Batman chases him down in his very intimidating BatCar. “High ground!” Cort yells. “And my gun! Any gun!” He runs into the safe haven of the police station, as long as your definition of “safe” means a room full of cops who are looking for the Night Scourge. This guy sure is a dummy.

It’s me, I swear! Can’t you recognize my swirly orange eyes??

Cort takes off his mask and pleas for a halt on the gun-aiming-at-his-face part of the situation. Batman has to tell these guys that Cort is Night Scourge and Night Scourge is Cort. And also he helped abduct the Mayor’s daughter. Also, to a lesser extent, he was mean to Batman. Jim Gordon can corroborate that being mean part of it.

Cort babbles like an insane loser under hypnosis while the police radio calls backup for the Batman who was shot and fell into the river (DR. STRANGE, IF YOU RECALL). The police continue to be confused until Gordon “Mustache” Jones shows up to explain everything again. By now, Cort is feral and ready to take down anyone and everyone who stands in his dang ol’ way. He even calls Gordon “bad for morale”! Ouch!

This went too far! The police literally shoot dozens of holes into his body. Disproportionate response, but hey. This is Gotham City!

Later, Gordon is able to convince the Mayor that the Batman was integral to apprehending the real villain, if your definition of “apprehending” means getting someone killed. Mayor Klass takes a liking to this Bat Fellow and calls off the Task Force.

“And one last thing Captain… keep it up, and one of these days you’re liable to be appointed Commissioner!”

Ha! We’ll see about that!

Aftermath! There’s no sign of Dr. Strange’s body. Either dead or not dead, it seems. Time will tell.

Batman has really helped get in the good graces with the police AND the Mayor! Good job, kiss-ass.

Then Gordon and Batman fondle each other. The end.

Final Thoughts

What a heart-warming story! My favorite part was when Dr. Strange was fucking the mannequin! What’s next for America’s favorite bat-like superhero? Maybe he’ll get his hand caught in a pickle jar and Alfred will need to fetch a shoehorn. D’oh d’oh d’oh!