Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 – “Father’s Pride”! In the previous installment, an incredibly butthurt Eddie Brock faces the consequences of submerging himself in black goo, but comes out powerful in the end. Peter and MJ sort of kind of make up, but since he won’t give up the Spider-Man gig then she won’t go back to him.

The issue ends with a standoff: Peter Parker and Venom Brock. In the rain.

And now I’m grabbing some Doritos. I’ll be right back…

Ultimate Spider-Man (Vol. 1), Issue #38 [May, 2003]
Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
“Father’s Pride”

…ok, thanks for waiting! Spider-Man is going to get choked out by Venom Brock and I’m here for it. I’ll lap that shit up like a dog. Spidey’s getting too big for his britches, throwing his 90 pounds of weight around. I’m sick of it!

Parker watches a tape of his father talking about the origins of cancer, how his own father had cancer, and how he wants to eradicate cancer before he dies. It didn’t happen. Plane crash. Keep up.

“With our invention – the suit – we were treading ground no one had even come near before… …and it blew up in our face.”

He talks about failing, how he feels about the failing, how he didn’t think at first they were failing, and other musings surrounding the notion of failing. “Sometimes – even while you’re in the act of trying something, you know deep down you’re going to fail. But you go ahead anyhow.” Yeah, that’s called wasting time. Being dumb. Not necessarily failing, but sucking! I hope that helps.

Parker and Venomous Brock are standing off in the rain. “Eddie… please tell me you didn’t do this to yourself on purpose.”

RAWR! OF COURSE HE DID! RAAWWRR! Brock shoots out a mess of seaweedy entwined tendrils with some spikes at the end. Parker catches it unharmed and asks Brock to allow him to help before things get even more out of control.

“OUR FATHERS DIED TO CREATE ME – AND NOW YOU WILL TOO!!”

“Yeah.. you said that already.”

Gettin’ cheeky, and Parker doesn’t have time to get cheekier before Brock throws him to the ground. “I gotta get outta here with this,” Parker things, face getting pushed into the ground. “Now I’m fighting super-villains on school grounds? In my civilian clothes? Without my web shooters?” I mean, yeah, MJ has been telling you for MANY ISSUES how fucked up all this is. But does anyone listen?? Does anyone listen?? Is anyone listening?? Hello?? Is anyone there?? Am I alone?? Hello?? Am I all alone?? Hello?? Is everyone dead?? Am I dead?? Does anything exist??

Eddie, stop it or you’ll – AARRGHH!! – turn me into triplets!

Brock keeps snarling and frothing while Parker spouts inanities like “this isn’t you, Brock” and “snap out of it, Brock” and “why are you doing this, Brock” and “where are my underpants, Brock”.

“Oh man, he’s gonna die in that thing,” Parker thinks, staring at the big, black, pulsating mass. “I escaped by the skin of my teeth and I have big-time spider powers. Eddie’s just a guy – and he isn’t even in that great a’shape.”

Parker continues offering help. Brock thwacks him in the face. Now he’s gone and done it! Parker’s big guns are coming out! *flails hands in a hissy fit* Then he jumps over him and runs away. Brock follows, jumping and swinging around. Parker wonders how it’s even possible that he’s doing what he’s doing, imitating these deft Spider moves. Perhaps the suit has muscle memory? Perhaps the suit is POWERFUL?? Maybe the suit is made of tiny little suits? I don’t know, but maybe you do!

“How could he do that to himself? Did he do that to himself on purpose? He’s kinda acting like he did. Uch – how many friends do I have to lose in this superhero crap? Harry, MJ, now this. And he’s angry at me. He’s so angry at me that he would kill me? Is he really like that? Or is it the suit?”

Wow, his thoughts are really going a mile a minute here. Let me answer these questions simply: 1) shut up, 2) shut your trap.

The fighting keeps going. And the jumping. There is just so much jumping and fighting.

Oh, you boys. Stop tussling and come get some chocolate chip cookies!

They’re on the roof of a tall building, which isn’t the smartest place to have a fight, but every superhero tends to like fighting on roofs for some reason. Venom knocks Parker down over the edge and they both fall through some power lines. This is what snapped Parker out of it before, so maybe it’ll work here. I’m sure it will! Otherwise, what’s the point? Just to ruin some power lines? Please.

They land on a car and then cause another car to screech into a wall, endangering civilian lives and causing nothing short of a ruckus! Brock is on the ground groaning and moaning, the Venom suit looking like a cheap foam rubber costume now. Parker thinks they’re finally in the clear, but then it’s suddenly SNARL again and Venom leaps at his face with hundreds of razor-sharp teeth.

Brock intends to encase Parker within the suit. “LOOK AT YOU NOW!! LOOK AT YOU NOW!! A THIEF AND A LIAR! YOU KNEW, PARKER!! YOU KNEW WHAT MY FATHER HAD CREATED – MY FATHER WAS A GENIUS!!”

Yeah yeah yeah. *jerkoff motion that lasts ten years*

The suit is very close to encasing Parker completely, but then he bursts out of it at the last second. Brock keeps gibbering about the suit needing him for it to survive. It needs more than just Brock. The suit needs to eat, it’s hungry. The suit is tired of salad. The suit wants some meat.

Listen, we could debate about who lied to who until the cows come home. And they won’t be home any time soon, let me tell you.

Parker hits Brock with a tire, breaking a handful of his Venom teeth. “Sit down, Eddie,” is all he has to say while doing this. It’s time for the useless police to show up so they can rub their dicks up against each other and then purposely shoot black people before leaving to get donuts. “LIE ON THE GROUND WITH YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD!!” one screams at the not-encased-in-the-demon-suit kid. Then they notice the encased-in-the-demon-suit kid and start shooting their many, many bullets at it. Brock gets hit while Parker scurries up the side of the building, you know, like one of those arachnid type creatures.

Brock keeps getting shot. Bullets keep flying through him. He’s gonna be dead soon. Pour one out, homies.

As this is happening, the voice of Richard Parker continues talking. “You’re going to find that there are people in this world – people who you are going to look at and say: why is this person like this? Why did this person do that to themselves? And I swear to you, if you stare at them for fifty years… you’ll never understand why they are the way they are.”

In a giant burst of white light and energy, Venom Brock shrieks like a horny baboon and disintegrates into a smoldering mess.

“I have people like that in my life, people who just are their own worst enemy. And instead of dealing with it – coming to terms with it – all they do is lash out at you. Blame you for their own problems…”

The cops yell at Parker to get back to the ground, and they start shooting at him too as he scuttles on the wall.

“People everywhere reacting without thinking. Lashing out. They don’t even know why.”

Here, I did you a favor and screenshotted this one so you can read what he has to say! lol, I’m so fucking funny. A real riot.

This ends sadly. His dad goes on to say that, at the end of every crappy day, he gets to come home and see his son. That makes it all worth it. And he and his mother can’t wait to see the man that Peter grows up to be!

Final Thoughts

Here are my final thoughts. This story went way too quickly to actually see Eddie Brock actually look like a complete asshole. The only nefarious stuff he did was make a move on Gwen and react like a man, and then stick his hand in a jar. He didn’t know what would happen. He didn’t know he would’ve wanted to kill anymore.

Poor pacing! Awful! D-