Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4 – “Alienated”! In the previous installment, Hal fights the New Manhunter and destroys him (maybe?) while successfully preventing the Old Manhunter from carrying out a self-destruct sequence that blows up Coast City all over again. And by “preventing from carrying out” I mean “allowing it to carry out” in outer space. After billions of years of existence, the robot finally shows an emotion ahead of its impeding death: fear.

Hal wants to send a voicemail or a telegram or something to the Guardians to inform them that the Manhunters are “back” and “trying to destroy old Manhunters” and also “everybody else”. John Stewart suspects that the Guardians know this already.

Speaking of Manhunters, there is a hooded figure acting as, from what I’ve gathered, the new leader of the Manhunters. The Corps is attempting reformation, and they need to be stopped.

I’m not on board with Space Cops, so I personally don’t mind if the Corps doesn’t reform. That’s just me. I’m sympathetic to the Manhunters! lol

Green Lantern (Vol. 4), Issue #4 [October, 2005]
Written by: Geoff Johns
“Alienated”

Enter the mustachioed, orange-eyed, drooling Vegetable Man. A lovely dude, to say the least. And the most. He showed up in the Rebirth series a couple of times and his visage simply nauseated me! Moving on…

Ten miles outside of Edwards Air Force Base, a couple of uniformed douchenozzles are driving in a jeep and douchenozzlin’ it up. “Did you see that blonde in the cowboy hat?” says Douchenozzle #1. “I should’ve said something.” Douchenozzle #2 makes fun of his game, and says that he was able to secure a phone number from a tattooed brunette!

This conversation is inconsequential. An alien shows up in the road, and the jeep doesn’t stop in time before the alien gets hit. BAM, et al. “Oh no. This isn’t happening. This isn’t… Did I kill it?”

The alien stirs. The alien croaks. It stirs and croaks and shuffles and burbles.

“…I… I just… I just went out for a cigarette…”

[LAUGH TRACK]

[APPLAUSE]

[FULL HOUSE THEME PLAYS]

I forget this fuckface’s name, goddamnit, but he and Hal Jordan are on Oa where Ganthet and the other Guardians of the Universe are Deploying more and more Rings. The Corps has been reinstated! The rings are flying out to the many sectors of the universe looking for worthy candidates to represent their districts! No voting here, all appointees. Keep the power away from the people!

Kilowog, that’s his name. He’s some dumb beast thing who’s supposed to be really good at Green Lanterning. The Guardians have asked him to personally train the next wave of Green Lanterns. “Even got a few females this time around.” Look out for many sexual harassment cases in the near future. Does the Green Lantern Corps have an HR department?

What’s Hal Jordan’s task? Stay away! Guard your sector and keep it shut. The Guardians want to see more of Guy Gardner and Kyle Rayner than him and that John Stewart blowjob. The adults are conducting important business, so scram!

You want to see ugly humans? Buddy, travel to Mississippi.

A small group of new alien-type Lanterns spot Hal Jordan and point and gawk, which prompts Hal to do “HURF DURF DO THESE GUYS EVEN KNOW WHO I AM??” Kilowog has some news for Mr. Big Guy over here: “The universe is a damn big place, and in the grand scheme of things you just ain’t that important.” So fuck off, you ugly human.

“I hear they never leave their home planet,” pipes in Bumpy Froggy Face. “They’re born there and they’re buried there.”

“Total backwater star system,” adds Bulgy Black Eyes.

Hal smirks and challenges all of these aliens to “a round in the mud marsh”, which sounds to me like hot oil wrestling. Sexy times are ahead. Kilowog says he’s got training, but Hal all but goes “BAWK BAWK BAWK ARE YA CHICKEN?” Oldest trick in the book. Even aliens can be manipulated through their fragile masculinity.

Kilowog and Hal do some mud wrestling for about 47 pages before I get tired and bored and skip ahead. Suddenly, the the ethereal disembodied head of the Drooling Vegetable Man pops in next to Hal’s head. “…oh Jordan… wait until you find out what they’ve done! They’re back!”

This distraction gives Kilowog the advantage! SWASSH! That’s a sound effect that probably meant something. Hal asks Kilowog if he heard that he just heard, but Kilowog doesn’t get to answer before Hal gets a Green Ring Phone Call from General Stone. He needs Hal back at the base post haste! No time to waste! Bring your face so he can spray it with mace!

In Hangar 44, the dead alien is sprawled out on an autopsy table. He’s already been cut open. I’m pretty sure they’ll determine the cause of death to be “hit by a jeep”, hopefully, if they do their jobs right.

Hal does a quick scan…

You know, I thought he looked like Haley Joel Osment circa 1999!

A human? Preposterous! Look at him, he looks like he’s gonna probe your tender buttholes ANY SECOND, dead or not dead. “About fifty thousand years further down the evolutionary chain than us.”

Another phone call interruption! Damn these kids and their cellular telephones. The warden at Belle Reve prison wants Hal to stop by. Hector Hammond (Vegetable Man?) has a message.

Hal makes a face like this —-> >:[

The warden of the prison looks like George Lucas with infinitely more chin. They speak of Hammond Hector Hammond Hamster’s containment unit. Usually the barriers in the cell prevent his “psychotic tantrums”, but lately he’s been able to punch through the walls. “He erased the mind of one of our guards when he was, um, hosing him down.”

I see. Hal’s gonna want to see that hose. “Then Hammond shut down the brain activity of another guard.” They’re going to work on a cell block another 200 feet below the ground. Where all the radon is.

Some supervillain in a cell starts ranting at Hal. Hal punches him with a Green Lantern construct. This part wasn’t important! The important part is that Hal starts descending some stairs toward the Big Headed Guy with the Mind Powers. “He’s here,” the Vegetable Man thinks. “Oh yes. Yes. He did come. Hahahaha. This will be delightful.”

Hammond gets giddier and giddier as Hal approaches. He has to remind himself to stay cool, calm, and collected while Hal turns the key to his cell.

Awww, look at the adorable widdle baby!

These two talk to each other like they’re a couple of petty old ladies. Hammond knows exactly who and what the alien is, but he wants a trade for the information. He wants Hal’s memories! Not all of them, just the sexy ones that involve fuckin’. I’m not joking. “You’ve wined and dined a few. More than a few. Just let me experience one. Just one!”

Hammond’s information is worth enough to Hal, so he gives in. Just the dinner part, though. No pussy.

“Yes. But give me a good conversation. One you paid attention to. I know your type.”

“All right. I got one. I’m letting my guard down.”

“Do you have someone a bit taller?”

“Don’t push your luck.”

Hammond drools as he watches Hal offer to fly a young lady in the sky. That’s all he gets.

NO! NO NO NO! MORE ENCOUNTERS WITH WOMEN, DAMNIT! YOU DON’T GET A SINGLE BIT OF INFO UNTIL HAMMOND SEES SOME TITTIES! Hammond pries harder into Hal’s mind, pulling out childhood memories, fun Green Lantern memories, memories of ice cream and ponies and meadows and FULL HOUSE RERUNS!

“♪ ♫ ♬ Everywhere you look… everywhere you go… there’s a heart (there’s a heart), a hand to hold onto… ♪ ♫ ♬”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve tasted anything but the paste they pour down my throat?” Hammond cries. “Flying those jets. Having friends and lovers. Give me your memories! Your life!”

Hal fights back: “AAARR!”

Hammond is hit: “UNN!”

“I reach into his brain with the ring. The beams zip past his cerebellum. It’s shriveled like a raisin. His motor skills useless. His body numb to nearly everything…” No fucking shit, Hal? Really? The decrepit piece of shit with the wasted-away body can’t do anything? That’s a revelation! An epiphany! Tell me more! “I find the thalamus. And I turn the somatosensory cortex back on.” OK, Hal, you can’t be stupid for five sentences and then say things like “somatosensory”. You’re throwing me off here.

Yeah, Hal’s penis ‘tween the buttocks.

So Hal does some superpowered Green Lantern-fueled pain in the ol’ brain, and Hammond can’t handle the heat! Get out of the kitchen, as they say.

Exposition dialogue time. Hammond asks Hal if he remembers how he got this way, and Hal does. Something about being evolved a million years by a meteor. A meteor that was put in front of Hammond by “them”. Is “them” the government? Is “them” Key and Peele? I hope I find out soon! *snores so loudly that an earthquake hits Turkey*

THEY like to experiment. THEY like to tear things apart just to rebuild them again how they see fit. And bad news, poopypants. THEY are back and in Coast City. “Checking on their other experiment.” What do you readers think the other experiment is?? A baking soda and vinegar volanco, I hope.

Hal’s ring confirms the validity of Hammond’s statements. Before he gets blasted with some more light, Hammond pleads for more memories. “I want to see more… I want to… I just want to be part of it. Oh Hal… I want to be you.”

How very pathetic. This guy can’t even get his bone on with the sexy Carol Ferris. Why would anyone want to be a failure like him?

Back in Coast City, a couple of lovebirds are swimming nudely in the river. They exchange some sexy talk before something bites the man’s ankle. “OW!” he is heard to remark.

Then he gets torn the fuck up by sharks. Like, 100 sharks. The woman scrambles to shore, huffing and puffing and muffing and stuffing. “I’m safe…”

Then the bloody eyeball of her lover plops onto her arm. Then it’s revealed that it’s some crazy fucked-up man-shark creature, mouth stuffed full of bloody dead human. The woman screams.

Final Thoughts

Absolutely disgusting. I love it!

Things are just a tad all over the place right now. Suddenly there’s nothing going on with the Manhunters and there are man-sharks dropped in our laps. Let’s wrap this up with a bow, Geoff Johns! You’re supposed to be the best at this shit.