Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3 – “Rules of Engagement (Part 3)”! In the previous installment, Batman stops the O.G.R.E. robot, and by that I mean he fails to stop the O.G.R.E. robot and the robot stops itself once Lex Luthor escapes through the smelly sewers. Batman correctly deduces that the robot is after Luthor.

The O.G.R.E. system is controlled by a dude in a tub. The dude died while he was in the tub. Bruce does his own Batcave autopsy and discovers within seven seconds a pacemaker lodged in the dude’s heart, designed to kill. The device belongs to LexCorp.

After another encounter with O.G.R.E., Batman removes its memory cortex, rendering it incapacitated (?). Batman intends to now go pay Lex Luthor a visit and shower him with smooches.

Batman Confidential (Vol. 1), Issue #3 [April, 2007]
Written by: Andy Diggle
“Rules of Engagement (Part 3)”

“The military-spec electronic system rivals anything at NORAD, and it cuts through LexCorp’s security system like a knife through smoke.”

“Knife through smoke” isn’t a real thing, Andy Diggle. Cutting through smoke doesn’t actually separate the smoke, you dunce. Anyway, Batman does some fancy technological voodoo and gets into the LexCorp building’s elevator shaft. “The central data vault won’t be so easy to penetrate. Isolated inside a bomb-proof titanium cell at the heart of the LexCorp building.” How does he have intimate knowledge of Lex Luthor’s building? Did I miss the first five storylines of Batman Shenanigans where Bruce Wayne pretends to be a UPS delivery man for nine weeks in a row for LexCorp reconnaissance purposes?

Batman is able to uses his telekinetic whispering powers in order to make the elevator camera focus on a keypad where a security guard is punching in a 27-number code. “I memorize it and move on.” Sure you do, Rain Man.

“The data vault perimeter guard repeats a figure-eight patrol sweep. I have thirty-two seconds before he’s back in visual range.” I want to throw a pie right at Batman’s face.

Batman sprays a cannister of poison on a palm-print lock, which the vault guard uses and then immediately gets knocked out cold. Then he struts into the room and accesses a control panel that conveniently contains all of Lex Luthor’s files on everyone and everything, including Area 51, Chinese spy briefings, and your mother. He finds the file on Dr. Underhay, the guy who died in a stinkin’ tub.

Dr. Eugene Underhay at your service, ladies. Pay no regard to my badge, I stole it from Ed Asner.

Luthor’s files indicate that he had been blackmailing Underhay into snooping on WayneTech, and then he was killed when he outlived his usefulness.

Luthor’s files also have nothing much on Bruce Wayne other than he pees his pants. Nothing about putting on tights and bouncing around the streets.

The computer also has a DNA sample of Senator Crabtree, Chairman of the Defense Procurement Review Board and the oily, grumpy man who will decide which company gets the contract.

Batman accesses Microsoft OneDrive and uploads the entire contents of the computer to his own Batcave servers. “There’s more to this than simple industrial espionage – but I don’t have all the pieces. Not yet.”

That’s enough fun for one day. Time to go home and play some Paper Mario! Meanwhile, Lex Luthor is in his private jet having a one-on-one Zoom call with Senator Crabby. He certainly has lost his confidence in WayneTech’s ability to provide defense systems that kill people instead of defending them, so he will postpone his decision until a full investigation into the failure of the WayneTech system is underway. Until then, there’s key lime pie on the windowsill.

Lex’s giddiness in his pants has dwindled. “You suspect foul play?” he asks the gruff, bushy-mustachioed senator. Mayhaps! But Lex doesn’t want to delay the decision, and he urges Senator Crabgrass to reconsider this investigation. He gets all furrow-browed and glare-y about it too, aiming to kind-of-but-not-really intimidate the man.

“Do your worst, Luthor. I’m not afraid of you. You may have bribed and blackmailed the rest of the board into your back pocket, but as long as I remain chairman, I will follow the dictates of my own good conscience. Now good day to you, sir.”

Senator Crab-ass is going to hang from his butthole on a hook in about two days.

And make it snappy. I have to buy another gallon of mascara.

Luthor has planned for this inevitability. Before he gets into details, his assistant is the bearer of bad news: some dickhead in a bat suit broke into the LexCorp building. This makes Lex’s fat bald head hurt, and he calls for more security. This won’t help, of course, since Batman memorized a few more 789-digit codes and has spruced up his security-busting devices with radiographic sensor-disrupting nanobots.

Luthor demands that his weapons defense system prototype be deployed, Crabtree be damned! Hook in the ass for this guy. As for Batman, a very frank and stern candlelit dinner is in order.

At Crabtree’s house, Captain Jimbo Gordon arrives in the middle of a granddaughter’s birthday celebration. Crabtree puts on his best frowny Ron Swanson face and demands that the police get the fucking fuck off the premises before he calls the police!

Nope! Here’s the ball-buster: “Senator Harold Crabtree,” Gordon looks on sheepishly, “I am arresting you for conspiracy to murder.”

Buh-what?! Conspiracy to what now?? A what to murder?? This is poppycock of the highest order! Now listen here, youngin’, this is Senator Harold Crabtree, Chairman of the Six Flags Roller Coaster Research and Development Cooperative, and–

The police hoist this fat sack of shit out of his house where the press is already gathering around like vultures. Questions abound! A conspiracy to murder, sir? Do you have any comments on your conspiracy to murder? How deep does this conspiracy go? Do you have any other conspiracies? How did you pull off such a conspiracy? How does this conspiracy to murder rank among some other conspiracies to murder we’ve heard about in the news lately? And so forth.

Not at all, Senator. I think you paid that bat to sit in the back of the room and stroke his dick while you paid someone else to murder someone.

“Valentina Vergara. Low-rent hooker. Beaten to death in her apartment while the baby slept in the next room. Your baby,” Gordon explains. Aha, back to the beginning of Issue #1 I see. Crabtree has no idea what in tarnation this rookie captain is flapping his meaty gums about! He insists that he’s never even heard of this woman, but Gordon’s all like “save it for the judge” and “tell it to the judge”. They ran some DNA tests and the baby is yours, sir. Ain’t no way that Lex Luthor was involved in this setup.

Speaking of Lex Luthor and his many setups, Bruce Wayne’s buddy Lucius announces to the staff that the board has decided on LexCorp. Pack it all up, ladies and gentlemen! WayneTech is going to start selling hot dogs until Luthor starts getting competitive there too. Bruce Wayne tells the staff to cheer up, there’s always next time and whatnot.

“Senator Crabtree resigns to fight this murder rap, and the next thing you know, the board awards the contract to LexCorp,” Lucius sneers. “This whole thing stinks to high heaven…”

Bruce tells Lucius to cheer up! It wasn’t all a waste! Bruce Wayne’s got some big plans for the weapons defense jet! First, he’s going to fly into the LexCorp building, and then–

Later that night, Batman flies the thing around town doing barrel rolls and loopity loops. Gordon’s flashing the Batsignal, but Batman’s having too much fun cavorting around the sky to clear his name about the murder conspiracy. Gordon’s just about to kill the lights when Batman presents himself dramatically, scaring the mustache right off of his face.

Hey, you’re not Mother!

“You’re late.”

“I’ve been here for two hours, waiting for your snipers to stand down. I have better things to do with my time… but I didn’t want to have to hurt them.”

Yeah yeah, tough guy. Go take your tough guy act to jail where you belong. “You’re public enemy number one since this Crabtree business,” Gordon frowns. That, plus there’s a mysterious plane flying around like it owns the sky. “Don’t suppose you’d know anything about that…?”

Batman knows that Lex Luthor set Crabtree up, and he’s not at all shy to say so! Like this: “Luthor set him up.”

Gordon isn’t buying it. DNA tests, man. Infallible.

“She wanted out the street life,” Batman says, omnisciently. Like a fucking know-it-all. “And she wanted a child. But she couldn’t. Luthor cut her a deal. Had her artificially inseminated using Crabtree’s DNA. Stolen. Cloned. Simple. All it would take is a single hair follicle from the senator’s comb.”

What a bunch of crap. Spouting off plot-forwarding jibber-jabber. I’m livid.

Batman hands him a CD-R. It has all the evidence in the world. Don’t lose it. He also burned some cool music on it. Have you ever heard “Mambo No. 5”, Captain? That Lou Bega is something else.

Gordon calls the evidence inadmissible. Batman asks if Gordon really thinks he was paid to kill a whore. Gordon is like ‘fraid so. “You were spotted fleeing the scene. I have a job to do.”

But but but but but! He was trying to stop the real killer! Honest to God and the Devil! He… well, the real perpetrator was vaporized into thin air so there’s no evidence of his existence! But you gotta believe him! He swears on a stack of Lean Cuisines! “Luthor covering his tracks. He’s been planning this for years. Laying the groundwork.”

Batman in the boss’ office trying desperately to keep his job.

Gordon is tired of hearing all of this, especially the part where Batman insists that he starts going after Luthor.

“Luthor’s one of the most powerful businessmen in America,” Gordon whines. “He’s bulletproof.”

“Not to me.”

Luthor, meanwhile, is in his red lab that doubles as a photo development room, apparently. He’s trying to track down the Bat and his hideout, but no such luck. He always disappears into a flock of bats, the little scoundrel. Is that a real thing? He hides among a cloud of bats until the coast is clear? Why is this the first I’m hearing of it?

Don’t worry, Lex Luthor has just the thing to really run this story off the rails: a mechanical bat that can find Bat-like men in a swarm of bats!

Seriously.

Final Thoughts

What is this horseshit? Tracking down a guy by using a bat robot, as if the bat guy is a real bat and not just some rich nerd in spandex? Is this Lex Luthor guy dumb?

This is shaping up to be some really bad storytelling. I’m not impressed! I’m the guy to impress, here. You hear that, Andy Diggle? ME!