Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #1 – “Man w/o Fear”!

My briefest of forays into Daredevil was early on in my comic book reading adventures with Kevin Smith’s Daredevil. I STILL cannot stress it enough that it was entirely by accident. I’m no fan of Kevin Smith. I just wanted to check out Daredevil, is all!

With that out of the way, it was ok. But I heard good things about the 2010s Daredevil runs, so I’m gonna jump ahead. I wanna see what this blind bastard is up to in the Obama years.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #1 [September, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“Man w/o Fear”

I’m already put off by the cover. Look at this smug son of a bitch. I don’t want to read about him. I don’t want to read about anything about him.

I get a little bit of Daredevil origin story on the first page here. I admittedly don’t know much. Matt Murdock’s dad was a boxer who wanted his son to be better. As a teenager, Matt saves an old man from a runaway truck. A radioactive cylinder fell out of the truck and blinded him (with science!) Now he can hear heartbeats and smell really well. He became a lawyer for reals. His father would’ve been proud, but he got gunned down by thugs! Now Matt Murdock works for the little guy.

Final Thoughts

Haha! That joke will never get old, says I!

“On the northern tip of Manhattan, overlooking the Hudson, is a branch of the Met called The Cloisters. The main building is a meticulous reassembly of five Medieval European abbeys, every brick authentic, while the surrounding gardens are a marvel of landscaping, a living tapestry of colors and textures.” That’s a nice and boring run-on sentence there, Mark Waid old boy. You haven’t lost your edge because you never had one.

Daredevil is outside the main building unable to see shit. He assumes it’s beautiful, but he doesn’t care. What he “sees” is a building full of weddinggoers. Laughter, tears, perfume. Lovely. What a joy. “I’m crashing the wedding uniting two of New York’s bigger crime families because there’s a rumor in the wind that a hit is planned.”

What does Daredevil care if some crime guy shoots another crime guy in his crime face? Sounds like less crimes to have to deal with in the long run!

There’s a strange hole along the red carpet. A white hand with black spots reaches out of the hole and attempts to grab the flower girl. “I realize it’s not a hit… it’s a kidnapping.” He makes his spandexed appearance and hoists the flower girl out of harm’s way. The priest is all like “DAREDEVIL?! BUALHAUBLBBLB??!” A big fat Italian guy grabs for his gun, all “he’s got da girl, gotta take ‘em down before da spaghetti”.

“Now they think I’m the kidnapper. Terrific way to make my triumphant return to the game.”

The real kdnapper in question is The Spot. He can manipulate space-time and open portals at will. Spooky stuff. I bet he can stick his head through a hole and suck his own dick splendidly. Daredevil lands back on the ground with the girl over another spot, but Daredevil is ready with his trusty Daredevil nunchucks! Or sticks. I think he just carries around sticks.

I’d fill this guy fulla holes if he weren’t already fulla holes!

While Daredevil tries to fight this Spot guy off, he’s yelping reassurances like “I’M NOT THE KIDNAPPER” and “IT’S NOT ME” and “I’M SAVING THE GIRL” and “SPOT’S THE REAL KIDNAPPER” and “MARK WAID IS FAT”. He takes his time to try to find the spiked heartrate in the room, which, let’s be real here, should be everybody’s. This isn’t a normal fucking wedding, now is it?

But, in a plot HOLE, so to speak, Daredevil finds his man. “Sal Donoratti!” Daredevil points to a corpulent, sweaty guy with a gun. “WHAT? N- NO… I – I – “ Then he confesses, mad at Daredevil for figuring anything out without eyeballs. “You want the Spot? I’ll tell you everything I know!”

The Spot ain’t havin’ that, chief. Spotty dalmatian arms reach up out of nowhere and snap Sal’s neck right in front of his little flower girl niece.

Well, um… well shit.

Daredevil throws the girl to the groom and kisses the bride because, and I quote, “that perfume drives me wild.” That’s weird and molesty.

This is by far the worst gloryhole I’ve ever come across in my travels.

The next hole that pops up in the air, Daredevil reaches in and grabs Spot’s arm. Spot, being strong, tries to pull Daredevil through. This is what Daredevil wants! He smiles as he tugged through a hole, never to be seen again!

Final Thoughts

See! Still funny!

The next day’s headline? Daredevil doing the big smooch on the bride of a crime family. “’Wedding Hells’ as Daredevil locks lips with mafia princess, Deborah Giacomo”

Like, what were you thinking, dumbfuck? Now Tony Soprano is comin’ for you. The non-heart-attacked Tony Soprano.

Also, Spot was either stopped or dead or both. There are nunchucks through his spotty eyeballs.

“So then what happened, Mr. Murdock? Huh? What happened in the hole with Spot? Didja get ‘im?” asks Stu, who runs the coffee cart outside of Murdock’s office building. “Oh c’mon Counselor. You c’n talk t’me! Was that Sal guy dead? I bet he was dead? Yeah?” Looks like Stu has that patented Mark Waid-style everyman dialogue. GIT ‘ER DONE.

Murdock smiles and insists he’s not Daredevil even though they’ve never been in the same room at the same time, and also he’s the only blind man in all of Manhattan! “So let’s talk kissin’ the bride at a mob wedding. That took sack.”

I don’t care how much sack it took, Stu, you imbecile. Leave me alone.

Murdock walks away whistling. Stu is grumpy.

“A while back, I got outed as Daredevil by the tabloid press. Turns out in an era of Internet surveillance, Homeland Security, and DNA analysis, secret identities are a bitch to maintain…”

Murdock just let it run its course. Plus, after all, how can a blind man be a superhero? Cockamamie! People got tired of hearing about it. It slowly left the news cycle. In the interim, though, it really put a damper on his life. He had to leave his practice, his city, his friends, his dog, his Xbox, and his jar of mustard in his fridge. His life was turned upside down! But he wouldn’t be able to tell, being blind and all.

But now, it’s a fresh start! Breath in that fresh start air! *inhales an octopus*

Is it time to pray for eyeballs?

Foggy Nelson runs up to greet him, tell him he’s late, yell in his face, wear a Tucker Carlson bowtie. All these things. He’s the “Nelson” half of “Nelson & Murdock”, and he gets top billing because he has a sense of sight. He’s really good at lawyer stuff, but he goes by “Foggy” so he loses a lot of business. It’s better than his given name, though, which is “Hitler”. Foggy prepares him for the press, who are waiting to bombard Murdock with questions like “care to comment on your returning to the practice?” and “yo Daredevil are you single?” and “does my fat ass look fat in these fat jeans?” That last one was comic book superstar Mark Waid, of course.

Murdock is taken aback! What about the whole “left the news cycle” thing, goddamnit! Well, paparazzi and bloggers have nothing better to do, so they’re going to bug you for a while still. Other than that, tough it out, sir, because the real problems are in the courtroom!

The defense lawyer brings up Murdock’s bias toward the police, being Daredevil and all. Murdock lets out a giant sigh. “For the next half-hour, the defense relentlessly makes this case about me and nothing but.”

And indeed, it’s all about Matt Murdock. It’s all about Matt Murdock to the point where the judge tells the plaintiff to get a new lawyer! Court dismissed!

The plaintiff is rather confused, but this is business as usual if the judge is a total dickhead.

Sorry that I wasted everyone’s time, sir. I’ll pay for your bill, your legal fees, your lunch, your hotel, your Uber ride, your mortgage, your alimony, and all those Stouffer’s mac and cheese meals for one.

Tomorrow’s another day! This time he won’t embarrass Foggy Nelson. The fat guy with the bowtie.

Murdock hangs out on top of the building “looking” out at the city. He doesn’t get much alone time before a woman approaches. “She scuffs her soles along the concrete to warn the blind guy that he has company. Thoughtful.”

It’s Kirsten McDuffie, and they haven’t met before. She’s the new assistant D.A. and she has a pencil on her ear like she thinks she’s cool. She quips that he’s counting the flagpoles to bounce off of should he want to get away. “Ah,” Murdock says. “Another Daredevil joke.”

There’s nothing wrong with hearing the same joke over and over again!

Final Thoughts

McDuffie has some words of wisdom for the seasoned lawyer. “Every litigator in the game is going to use your identity against you every time you set foot in a courtroom.” Well, he’s not Daredevil, so shove off.

Next time it’ll be acid.

Nice try, Daredevil. She starts letting him know why she’s here with him on the dang roof. He’s a liability to his clients AND to the judicial system as a whole. How do you like them apples? Also, here’s the thing: no lawyer in the city would’ve taken on Mr. Jobrani’s case. Wanna know why? Because someone scared off all those lawyers? Wanna know why? Be Daredevil about it and figure it out, Daredevil.

She walks back into the building. Murdock calls up Foggy and tells him to belay that new lawyer referral for Jobrani. There’s some shit he has to investigate!

*checks zipper*

Now that he’s done that, time to figure this Jobrani thing out! Daredevil Powers Activate! DOO DOO-DOO DOOOOO!! And by that I mean he takes off his clothes and does the spandex devil costume thing.

He did a background check on Jobrani, there’s nothing on him. “So what makes a Muslim shop owner dangerous in a trial setting? Is he a target of some sort? Because if he is…” Daredevil continues to cavort around town, “…we have that in common.”

Someone in the distance shoots guns full of confetti, which scrambles Daredevil’s radar. He can’t see anything, and for a guy who can’t see anything, that says a lot! Know what I mean?

“This crap’s hanging in the air like a blizzard. I know this gambit. Something’s coming at me–”

Something’s coming at him.

“–but what?”

It’s Captain Motherfucking America’s motherfucking shield.

What the fuck.

Final Thoughts

FUCK Captain America! Does he have to show up in EVERY. SINGLE. FUCKING. MARVEL. COMIC?? Am I the only asshole who despises this asshole! Argh!

Oh wait, here’s an ultra-groovy Daredevil bonus story courtesy of Mark “Captain America Shield Humper” Waid

Bonus Story

Foggy Nelson is crunching chips loudly in his office and it’s bugging Matt Murdock! Because of the loud sounds, you see.

Anyway, today’s the day! Up and at ‘em! Foggy wants to stay cooped up in the office, but Murdock doesn’t understand! He cannot fathom! “Oh my God, Foggy… we live in New York. The greatest city on Earth.”

They walk around the streets for a bit and get honked at. I don’t see the point in all this quite yet. They stop at a farmer’s market, where Murdock peruses the apricots while Foggy maintains a grumpy disposition indeed! “I don’t get how the sensory overload of Manhattan doesn’t drive you crazy.” Foggy looks like he wants to jump off a bridge.

You must be plum crazy, son.

“Do you realize that every single strawberry on this table smells just a little bit different?” Murdock says, smiling into a pile of strawberries, sticking his greasy face right into them. Murdock spends some more time dragging Foggy along for no reason. This is really a waste of my own time, too. I could be reading more Buffy comics instead of this bonus bullshit.

“Anyway, New York. Bustling, moving, jostling… the radar sense that came with the radiation is the gift that took the most getting used to,” Murdock continues, catching the readers up on where and why and how and what and who and from whence his powers came from and what they are and who and how and why. It’s like echolocation, that radar! “Like my brain is constantly pinging my surroundings 360 degrees.” Far out, man.

Anything else you want to tell us about yourself, Matty? Special brain, special tactics. “It’s gotten so that words like ‘rectangular’ or ‘yellow’ or even ‘slim’ or ‘fat’ are not the sorts of terms I tend to think in anymore.” They approach a man busking with a violin in the subway station. “125th Street. Best music in the city.”

Murdock waves a handful of cash and the busker lets him use the instrument. The outcome is not pleasant. He just about saws the poor thing in half… but he gets better… and by the time the fourth train passes through the station, Murdock is playing beautiful music! My guess is it’s “Drive-By Blowjob on a Bicycle” by Agoraphobic Nosebleed. Everyone smiles. Murdock takes a bow.

Foggy and Murdock take the train to the cemetery, where they view Murdock’s dad’s grave.

“Sometimes, in my dreams… just sometimes… I can see.”

“What do you see?”

“…that I want to live.”

Copout answer, chief! But good enough for now.

“I know I’ve been acting a little… uncharacteristically? Since I returned, Foggy.” Murdock frowns. But here’s what I need you to appreciate, okay? It has been a miserable last few years. And every time I thought I’d finally hit bottom, God somehow found me a bigger shovel.”

I keep forgetting this Matt Murdock cat is religious. What a loser.

“All this pain and all this loss and… and I just can’t bear the weight of it anymore and stay sane. I know that. So this is the way I’ve decided to be. You can say I’m in denial. You can decide I’m not dealing or that I’m a jerk… that’s up to you. No offense, but I don’t care. This is how I choose to cope. Is that acceptable to you?”

Murdock exits the cemetery, leaving Foggy there with his many fat thoughts and fat feelings.

“I’m not sure…”

He looks sad!

Final Thoughts, for Real This Time

Fuck Foggy Nelson. Throw his ass in a thresher.