Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: All-Star Superman, Issue #1 – “…Faster…”!

After I greatly enjoyed Superman: Birthright, I ran through a small chunk of rather mediocre Superman comics spanning about four titles from the very beginning of 2000. I don’t like Superman that much, but I liked Birthright, so I’m treating myself to another very highly acclaimed Superman limited series.

All-Star Superman.

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Introduction over! Anticlimax is the name of my game.

All-Star Superman, Issue #1 [January, 2006]
Written by: Grant Morrison
“…Faster…”

Doomed planet. Desperate scientists. Last hope. Kindly couple.

That about sums up Superman’s origin story in only eight words! Final Thoughts? Let’s keep it this succinct from now on in every comic! Looking at you, Mark Waid.

I don’t get what’s going on already! A young woman named Flora and a dude named Mr. Quintum are flying an out of control space shuttle into a sunspot “the size of South America”. I don’t know how they know it’s that big. Maybe they checked Wikipedia. “Fear is the sauce on the steak of life, Flora! I promised to bring back a spoonful of fun and I refuse to let a little thing like engine failure hold me back.”

I understand already. Mr. Quintum is a dang moron.

“Superman is through the corona, but conditions aboard the Ray Bradbury are deteriorating,” says Flora. “There can’t be much time.

Indeed, Superman is flying into the sun like a strange weirdo. I know he gets his powers from the yellow sun of Earth and Mars, etc., but it doesn’t seem likely that flying into the center of a 6000°F sun is smart and helpful.

In the end, Superman saves a spacecraft from falling into the sun. Ho hum another day in the books.

It’s all over the newspapers the next morning. “SUPERMAN SAVES FIRST MANNED SUN-MISSION.” Well, it will be if Lois finishes her story before her deadline. I don’t know who the fuck this guy named Steve peering over her shoulder is, but he contests the validity of Superman saving anyone. The dude is 93 million miles away! It’ll take him 5 whole seconds to return to Earth, silly.

What tipped you off, Ted Kennedy? Haven’t you been reading Superman comics for the last 80 years?

“Imagine one hundred billion H bombs exploding in your face, Miss Lane… per second. I looked it up on my super watch.” That’s everyone’s favorite little spaz Jimmy Olsen. He also wants to explode in Lois’ face.

It seems that Lex Luthor had told everyone he re-branded as a good guy, but he was lying. He was lying and everyone believed him for some fool-ass reason. He tried tampering with the sun this time, attempting to monopolize water so that a huge drought would cause everyone to start flocking over to him!

“This is tomorrow’s front page,” Perry White says, holding up a newspaper with the headline “LUTHOR LIED”. “We’re breaking the story of the century.” Is Perry White taking his pills? Story of the century? What about 9/11, dipshit? Did you forget???

Elsewhere, in some lab, Lex Luthor is hooked up to a litany of wires and cables. He’s remote-controlling a weapon with his voice. The signal only takes nine minutes to reach the sun, which is almost the speed of light. Almost. Try a little harder next time.

“Luthor… we released you from jail to work for us… for your country…” This is some decorated Army-man coming in to harsh Luthor’s buzz. Luthor grabs the guy’s throat (Lois’ father, as it turns out) and tells him that he’s getting older. He’s slowly running out of time. And Lex is going to do what Lex is going to do. And if that means buttfucking America, then so be it! “So if I want to die happy, it’s time to get serious about killing Superman. Don’t you think?”

Whatever beast Luthor is trying to control, he’s attempting to blow up the sun with a Death Star knockoff. Superman stops him in the nick of time, of course, because why wouldn’t he? He needs that sun to fly and be cool! “BLOW THE HATCH, QUINTUM!” he screams while wrestling the creature.

Hatch is blown. Superman zaps the creature with his lightning eyes. Creature is subdued. Creature blows up away from the sun. Everyone wins and enjoys their cans of Hormel chili.

Not even a little baby counting all the grains of sand in the world in a fraction of a second!

Later, Superman is in a dome-shaped laboratory among a lot of other dome-shaped laboratories talking to a guy in a technicolor dreamcoat. He’s run some tests and Superman is able to push 200 quintillion tons. That’s three times more than before (!) and counting!

However, dingus, here’s the caveat. You flew into the sun like a completel crazy person! “Apoptosis has begun. Cell death. There can only be one outcome, even for you.”

“What a bizarre irony if the source of my powers winds up killing me, when everything else has failed.” Now you’re getting it! His cells are bursting at the seams with solar radiation. He’s going to be dead in two seconds. Or 250 years. Or somewhere in between.

Ahh, I just realized he’s talking to Quintum and Flora. Quintum feels bad that he just wanted a spoonful of sun. Feels awfully bad, really. All this wouldn’t have happened if… hey, look on the bright side! Uhhh… no one will be able to stop Lex Luthor? Oh wait, no, that’s bad.

Oh boo fucking hoo. Been there, done that, bought a postcard.

Oh wait, this isn’t Flora. Is this even Quintum? I’m confused! Help! “Quintum’s” partner, Agatha, wants to read Superman’s DNA. She puts her hand to his face. “If only we could find a way to crack the Krypton Code, we could grow a second Superman.” Like, like a potato in the ground.

“Quintum” dedicated his life to the DNA P.R.O.J.E.C.T. (likely a very overwrought acronym). He wants to build a new race of superhumans in case Superman dies in a submersible implosion or something. Superman believes that this is “smart thinking”.

Then this “Quintum” fellow – I’m just going to assume he is indeed Quintum – shows Superman a large blue giant guy in stasis. 80% liquid nitrogen. Mentally preparing himself for centuries of deep space exploration. Cool guy, overall. Likes to play chess. Anyway, big things are happening! Big, big, big!

And it’s all because of you, Superman. *fawns*

Quintum promises to find a way to save Superman, or at least replicate him. He gets a hearty thanks from Superman himself, the highest of honors. Right above getting killed by Superman, but not by much.

Superman has some errands to run. See ya.

Back at the Daily Planet, Clark Kent has five seconds to get his toned butt into the office before Perry White blows an artery (or blows a cow). Clark just barely makes it. We all have a good laugh as he WUMPS on the floor of White’s office! lol and lmao!

A couple of cops have shown up at Luthor’s lab to arrest him for attempted murder and crimes against humanity. Luthor holds out his wrists and asks for the cuffs, smiling. “Thank God. It’s for my own good, I realize that. Put me away boys…”

Something terrible like make him watch a slideshow of my trip to Oral, South Dakota.

EPILOGUE! Lois & Clark discuss Luthor’s willingness to get hella arrested and thrown into the brig. “He could wind up in the electric chair!” Lois wails. Clark changes the subject and asks her if she ever worries about death. You know. Death. Oblivion. Fun stuff like that? “Who’s dying? Don’t be so morbid, Clark.”

Clark is so preoccupied that he accidentally walks into another pedestrian in a crosswalk, breaking all 400 bones in his body and crushing his organs into paste. “Whupps – excuse me, sir.”

They head back to Lois’ apartment. “Lois, there… well… there was something I wanted to tell you, and…”

He rips open his shirt, revealing his Superman jammies.

Final Thoughts

WHOA! WOOO! Lois is going to start fucking that shit! Ride ‘em, cowgirl! Yeehaw! Woop woop woop! Awooogah!

Etc.