Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Daredevil (Vol. 3) Issue #5 – “High Wire Act”! In the previous installment, Foggy and Murdock are somewhat successful on the new idea to consult clients into representing themselves, although Foggy worries that they’ll get a bunch of riff-raff as a result. Speaking of riff-raff, here’s some blind riff-raff: Austin Cao, a blind young man, was fired from his job as a translator for no reason whatsoever! Murdock will take the case, but it seems pretty fucking flimsy.

Also, as they speak, about a dozen sniper lasers are trained on both of them through the window. So some shit is going down and I am, as the kids say, “here for it”.

But not really.

Daredevil (Vol. 3), Issue #5 [December, 2011]
Written by: Mark Waid
“High Wire Act”

Flashback to one hour ago, which must be one hour in the past from the moment 900 sniper rifles were trained on our hapless hero and Austin Cao, the hapless kid. It seems that the Latverians were being a little too chatty in the office the other day and now they’re sleeping with the fishes! “New representatives are being sent. This doesn’t affect any aspect of the arrangement… except that it ties up all the loose ends.” This guy talking appears to be addressing some kind of office boss who is also a big crime boss. Not Bruce “The Boss” Springsteen, but more like Tony “Who’s the Boss?” Danza. His name is Mr. “Boss Hog” Zachary, and he thinks all the loose ends are NOT tied up. Because guess what? That kid that was fired? The blind kid? Can speak 150 languages including Klingon and Ultra Klingon? He speaks Latverian. He probably heard something. So fuck his ass up.

The guy talking to Mr. Zachary just about poops his pants. “Austin Cao? No… no. That was… part of the problem, actually. He didn’t pay attention, his work was lax… I had to let him go. But he doesn’t know anyth–”

SILENCE, NERD. His record shows that he was a stellar employee. Always made coffee in the morning. Talked about Lost everyday at the water cooler even though the show ended 13 years ago. Didn’t fart up the office all day like Charlie over there in Human Resources. “So you didn’t fire him to protect him. You didn’t fire him hoping that would take him off our radar. Because if you did, a) it didn’t work, and b) there would be consequences.”

Ulp! Gulp! Brrrt! It was just a coincidence! He didn’t SEE it coming, lol! LOL! lol, sir!

Mr. Zachary’s assistant just got word that Austin Cao just got in contact with a lawyer. Well snap. Send an army of snipers post haste.

Do you want fries with that? A penny saved is a penny earned. You’re going to need a new carburetor. That Schindler’s List is a laugh riot. Frank is fucking the pineapple.

“When I first started as a crimefighter, I was nearly as deaf as I was blind,” Murdock muses, recounting the need to start tuning out all the sounds and voices that bombard his brain on a constant basis. Long story short, he doesn’t tune out shit like the sound of a cocking gun.

So Murdock tackles Austin to the floor without warning. Austin yelps like a goose as bullets fly through the window. He squirms while Murdock tells him to keep low and shut the hell up. Murdock stands behind the kitchen wall while mercenaries roam the hallway with night-vision goggles. One kicks down the apartment door, ready to blast the kid in the face with his assault rifle like this was Uvalde, Texas.

Murdock clicks on the light, overloading the night-vision goggles. Then he beats a pile of them up with his little cane and shit. Austin is cowering on the floor like a scared, honking goose. Murdock grabs his arm and they run down the hallway and out of the building.

After mulling over about 14 terrible options, it is decided to take a cab to Murdock’s sexy pad. It’s where Austin Cao can be “safe” from the “men” who are trying to “splatter his brains all over the wallpaper”. The snipers, meanwhile, start hoisting their barely-conscious asses up off the floor. “Sir? Targets escaped,” one of them tells Mr. Zachary.

Sir? I have one ticket to the gun show. Sir? I hear it’s going to be a blast.

Well, that guy gets his brains splattered all over the wallpaper. It’s time to bring in the big guns: some jerkass named Bruiser. He gets called up to take on Daredevil, and he smiles vilely at the thought of beating up some handicapped guy. We’ll see more of him later, I suppose. I’m not too interested in this guy, and frankly I’d like to see Matt Murdock get his ass whooped a little bit. He looks like he deserves it.

Murdock and Austin entire Murdock’s sexy pad, and Murdock levels with the kid. “Here’s my theory. Please note that I have amended it in view of the blatant attempt on your life. You did overhear something at the office you weren’t supposed to’ve. Why you were immediately fired rather than immediately riddled with bullets is still a mystery–”

Murdock throws on a Chet Baker album, really sealing the deal on this sexy evening, and demands that Austin remembers exactly what the Latverians said. Austin doesn’t remember. Murdock starts smacking him around the room, poking him with scissors, shoving a really hot lightbulb up his butt. Most of all, he makes Austin set up Murdock’s desk just like his own at work. Put everything in its exact spot: computer, lamp, wastebasket, dildo, and granola bars. He asks him exactly what kind of piping hot tea he had in his mug that morning. Ah yes, lemongrass! Exquisite!

*splashes scalding tea in Austin’s face*

But seriously, let’s use that ol’ smell-memory association! Now, let’s get the kid dressed for the part! Pink tie, fancy shoes. Wear everything that you wore that morning. Dildo up the butthole? If that’s what you were doing, that’s what you’re doing now too. Let’s make everything perfect.

A shoulder rub will really set the mood!

Austin starts to remember: “Foreign registries. Through Latveria. They were sent by the Latverian government. They were whispering about closing a deal with us and… and… serpents? Some word unique to their language, but it reminded me of snakes…”

Oh come on kid. Murdock’s gonna slap you around again with this snake shit. And furthermore, w–

“Hydra.”

Ah, there it is! Those big bad guys with the dumb green henchmen that Captain America always fends off with a stick! Austin, you stay here and lube up your dick or whatever it is that you do on your off time. Murdock’s gonna go be Daredevil and talk to Austin’s old boss. Something smells fishy and it ain’t just the lube.

REMEMBER KIRSTEN MCDUFFIE? I sure don’t! Did we last see her all the way back in Issue #1? We see her home in the Upper West Side, where her angry, drinking husband/boyfriend Foggy Nelson (!) is ranting about how Matt Murdock couldn’t possibly be Daredevil because Murdock is BLIND and can barely eat a sandwich without bashing it all around his face! McDuffie says Murdock is faking the blindness. Foggy says he’s known Murdock for 800 years and he’s been blind the whole time!

Foggy suggests that McDuffie go on a date with Murdock. Prove to herself that he’s as blind as he says he is. Blind as a fucking bat, and not one of those seeing bats. Not like Batman, that guy has eyeballs.

Ah, McDuffie ain’t Foggy’s squeeze. That fat man has a blonde bombshell named Dina, and she’s McDuffie’s roommate.

Be warned that Matt Murdock likes it when women pee on him. The “thrill of not seeing it coming” gets him all worked up!

Eventually, Foggy decides that setting McDuffie up isn’t the greatest idea in the universe at all whatsoever! And this causes McDuffie to go “well I wanna go out with him now!” and so it shall be done.

Austin’s boss, Mr. Randall, is climbing aboard a yacht in the middle of the night while on the phone with his wife. She and the kids need to disappear before they get hella murdered. Meanwhile, he’ll be Boat Man. He’ll boat off into the sunset. Boat-style.

Daredevil shows up, tells him that Austin is fine, and that he’s here to protect him too just as he protected Austin! DAWWWW!! ISN’T THAT FUCKING ADORABLE! *CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE*

So, Daredevil explains out loud how he knew that Austin was fired as a protective measure, and now he needs to know from Mr. Randall himself exactly what Austin overheard. Latveria. Hydra. This is big-time shit, man. Like 18 Pablo Escobars wrapped up in an El Chapo.

So I just read through a lot of law-type mumbo-jumbo and have settled on this: Midas, Austin’s company, is using Latveria to secretly operate dozens of shell companies and holding subsidiaries to move around trillions of dollars! Crime! CRIME!! Crime that’s hard to catch and convict and persecute and use courtrooms and juries about!

OK, here’s the deal Mr. Randall: You’re gonna figure out how to stop this single-handedly while Daredevil works on keeping him and Austin from not getting dead. That’s a VERY fair tradeoff.

A nearby ship is on a collision course. Daredevil fears that it’ll hit them with a torpedo or a bomb or a barrage of Nerf darts, but it’s none of those. It’s just some large dude who lands his 1,600-lb bulk onto the yacht and puts Daredevil in a chokehold. It’s Bruiser. Daredevil can’t escape the chokehold. He starts crying and blubbering like a sad newborn giraffe.

Long story short, Bruiser throws Daredevil off the boat and the boat speeds away with the hapless Mr. Randall stuck on it. Without any lube!

Final Thoughts

God, I hate it when boats get involved. Especially when boats speed away. It’s rude as heck and I’m so mad that I’m going to end this post before I even finish this senten