I was ten years old when I watched my first ever South Park episode: “Tom’s Rhinoplasty” on February 11th, 1998. It was one of the funniest fucking things I’d ever watched, which is saying something because I was elbows deep into a Simpsons obsession that lasted a decade.

For about 3.5 years, South Park meant the world to me. In my adolescent eyes it was a gamechanger for irreverent and crude humor that I had only known from Beavis & Butthead. I will stand on a hill until I die with my opinion that South Park jumped the shark when the kids entered fourth grade. That was Season 4. Which means it was downhill for the next 20 years. It became way too topical and way less timeless.

I gave up South Park at Season 7 or so, but I’m ready to take the plunge and see how far with it I can go this time around. Here we go.

The Premise

Four boys from South Park, Colorado, and their friends and family, get up into some wacky hijinks and fun goofabouts! Hilarity ensues! It’s pretty sweet and cool!

My Half-Baked Thoughts

I know Season 1 like the back of my hand! Let me go through each episode individually! None of this is nearly as good as Season 2 and Season 3 fodder, but Season 1 holds its own. You’ll see a lot of A/A- grades. This show is good.

CARTMAN GETS AN ANAL PROBE
Rough around the edges! Like, very rough around the edges. Distractingly so. It’s a good thing that the animation gets polished very quickly after this one. Iconic as shit, though. Cartman getting an anal probe is one of the most notable cartoon plots of the ’90s! You couldn’t walk down the street without tripping over someone saying “Cartman got an anal probe”. That’s really all there is to say about this one. Suffers from “Seinfeld Isn’t Funny” syndrome, but this (sort of) is the one that (kind of) started it all.
Rating: B-

VOLCANO
“Volcano” is pretty dull. Randy Marsh is introduced and he couldn’t be further from the loony motherfucker he would eventually become. Did you guys remember that he’s a geologist! I did! What are you, dumb? Jimbo isn’t the greatest character, but Ned is a riot, and the “don’t spill your beer” joke is sublime to say the least (and the most). Scuttlebutt is stupid.
Rating: C-

WEIGHT GAIN 4000
As far as I’m concerned, this is the first classic episode. To this day, 28 years later, I’ll say “BEEFCA-A-A-AKE!” like a funny-guy joke boy. “Weight Gain 4000” solidified Cartman and Mr. Garrison as my two favorite characters, and both are in top form here for such an early episode. That Mr. Hat sure is a vengeful bastard. We also get the first great Kenny death: head impaled on a flagpole. What’s not to like?
Rating: A-

Pictured: Kevin Smith circa 2009.

BIG GAY AL’S BIG GAY BOAT RIDE
This episode fucking rules. Pretty progressive for its time, honestly, considering it was 1997 and throwing around words like “gay” and “faggot” was commonplace for even the most woke of suburban high school students. Big Gay Al is an iconic and hilarious one-shot character. The football subplot with Pip not getting a helmet is great. Imagining George Clooney in the studio making horny dog sounds is sublime. This is the second classic episode, and it’s even more classic than “Weight Gain 4000”.
Rating: A

AN ELEPHANT MAKES LOVE TO A PIG
Weak! Dr. Mephesto is kind of a shitty early character and the episode is kind of bloated with more storylines than humor. The angry Stan clone and Shelley kicking Stan’s ass was some good stuff, but the genetic engineering stuff as a whole was boring and who cares about the elephant and the pig? I’ll tell you who cares about the pig. Mr. Garrison cares about the pig.
Rating: D

DEATH
The first appearance of Terrance and Phillip! That’s worth the price of admission alone, but you have Stan’s grandpa in the mix as well as Kenny’s explosive diarrhea. The violent protest outside of the Cartoon Central building is a phenomenal bit of social commentary. They say Comedy Central was giving Trey and Matt shit for the crudeness of the animation and humor, so they created an in-show cartoon that was even more overtly crude in animation and humor. That’s the kind of timelessness that South Park would forget to do for 20 seasons. Oh yeah, and Death is in this too.
Rating: A

Speaking of dying on the toilet, I wonder how Elvis is doing these days.

PINKEYE
The Halloween episode is tops, sir! Worcestershire Sauce is dangerous stuff and shouldn’t be trifled with, now everyone’s a zom– ahem, everyone has pinkeye. Cartman dressing up as Hitler is fucking funny, dude, and gives great depth to his character. Then being an unwitting Ku Klux Klan member was fucking double funny. This is the best Halloween episode.
Rating: A

STARVIN’ MARVIN
The Thanksgiving episode is tops, sir! I remember for a few years my parents would make jokes about eating my dinner because Starvin’ Marvin in Ethiopia isn’t as fortunate. My favorite line is “This is an appetizer. It’s what you eat before you eat to make you more hungry” and then seeing the appalled, terrified look on Marvin’s face. Also, the reveal of Sally Struthers’ hideout and whining about how the food is hers. Genetically altered turkeys, though? Not as fun. Oh well.
Rating: A-

MR. HANKEY, THE CHRISTMAS POO
It doesn’t get much more iconic than Mr. Hankey. This is also the episode that brought us “Kyle’s Mom Is a Bitch”, which was retooled for the movie in the best way possible. I’m a little more grossed out watching this as an adult because I’m an old feeb prig now, but you can’t argue against the results. Mr. Hankey slays. And Kenny didn’t die! Merry Christmas!
Rating: A-

Hey, they didn’t get my permission to film this in my bathroom!

DAMIEN
This one is pretty disappointing after a string of greatness, which is too bad because this episode rules on paper. A lot of it just didn’t land. The Damien shtick got a little old and the Jesus vs. Satan subplot was devoid of laughs. The best storyline was Cartman’s birthday, and the meltdown at the end when Kyle gifted him with “Ants in the Pants” is worth the price of admission. Also the end: “No…more…peh.” In short, most of this episode can take a hike!
Rating: C-

TOM’S RHINOPLASTY
I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for my first episode ever, but this is clearly the highlight of the season anyway. Mr. Garrison turning into a real photo of David Hasselhoff is one of the funniest things the show has ever done (TEARS IN MY EYES when Garrison walks in, says hi to the class, and starts posing to “Shadow Dancing” by Andy Gibb). Also, eat your heart out Cartman, but Wendy Testaburger was the OG psychopath. This is a good example of an episode where all the plot threads come together nicely for the most part. Love this shit.
Rating: A+

MECHA-STREISAND
I’m pretty torn on this one. There’s a lot of the later-installment ambitious fantasy nerd goofiness with the Triangle of Zinthar / Diamond of Pantheos stuff, which I always find a little taxing when much of the humor derives from how seriously everyone is taking it. On the other hand, I can’t not think about this episode to this day whenever I see or hear about Barbra Streisand. It’s funny to me that they’ll take the piss out of Streisand in the same episode that they overly praise Robert Smith of the Cure. You get a little insight into Trey and Matt’s psyche! I’ll give it a C+.
Rating: C+

Get out of my car, Leonard Maltin, you silly goose!

Cartman’s Mom Is a Dirty Slut
A very iconic two-parter for many different good and bad reasons, the season finale was practically designed to feed into the hype machine. Also, Cartman’s mom is indeed a dirty slut. We will know this well as time goes on. Cartman trying to find his heritage in earnest (i.e. trying to act black) points to some of the heart of the old show: that Cartman is just an woefully ignorant kid instead of a criminal mastermind. I wish they would have continued with that.
Rating: A-

Worth the Watch?

My rose-tinted glasses are very strong. I have no idea if someone would enjoy this sight unseen. But I’d watch it if I were me, and I am me! So there you go!