Welcome to Loneliness & Cheeseburgers Presents: Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 – “…and most of the costumes stay on…”!

What? What’s this now? Back to New 52? Right in the middle of my run through All-Star Superman? Yes, that’s right. I’m taking a break to hit what I’ve heard is one of the most godawful comic series this side of the millennium. This is about 20% out of sheer curiosity, and 80% out of working toward my goal of hitting the Night of the Owls event before I die of old age and rotting bones!

Plus, these New 52 issues go by fairly quickly, so I don’t expect the excruciating pain to last too long anyway. Besides… you know… how bad could it really be… ?

Catwoman (Vol. 4), Issue #1 [November, 2011]
Written by: Judd Winick
“…and most of the costumes stay on…”

OK, well, Selina Kyle is on the cover splayed out on the side of the building with a loose bra by her side. That’s a start.

“Life isn’t without risk. You hear that bon mot a lot. But mostly around business. Or dating. Or eating fried food from street vendors…”

Selina garbs herself up in her leather Catwoman gear.

“…but we take risks all the time, every day, in a thousand ways. Driving a car. Talking to a stranger. Jay-walking. Those are the little ones we don’t even think about.”

Selina stuffs about 36 cats into one portable carrier.

“It’s the big ones that make it interesting. At least for me, it is.”

A group of skull mask-wearing brutes busts into her apartment and starts chain-gunning the shit out of the place! Leather suit only halfway on, she does a backflip out of her window (while smiling), carrying her brood of angry, feral cats! “I have no idea who these guys are. Well, I got some idea. They’re apparently some dudes who I’ve ragingly pissed off and have managed to find out where I live.” That’s very poetic, Selina. Sounds like you can’t even backflip your way out of a haiku.

Selina hops along the rooftops. She knows these guys are ransacking her apartment looking for something she may or may not have taken! Too bad they won’t find anything but, and I quote, “bras, books, wine, and cat food”. Cats get to eat food, but Selina herself eats bras and books. No wonder she’s so thin.

She stands back with fiery eyes as she watches her apartment get torched and blown up. Now, all of a sudden, she needs money and a place to stay. So she hits up fellow cat lady Lola. Who was a showgirl! How about that, huh? *snooze*

Someone tries to kill me every day and I’m a right as rain!

Of course, Lola is concerned and offers her place to crash. Selina doesn’t wanna impose, but Lola takes offense because she seems pretty touchy.

“I’m coming to you for help, aren’t I?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure I’m giving you the help you really need.”

“I’ll get it here or someplace else.”

“Okay.”

Thrilling conversation! I’m pleased as punch that I’m already almost halfway through Issue #1 and nothing has happened except an apartment got blown up for reasons that are probably not going to be explained.

Lola tells Selina that the Hotel Belle Monico penthouse will be empty for two weeks. She heard this piece of juicy information from the cleaning crew, which she knows personally! “If you’re quiet, you can squat.”

Yeah, squat right over her face and take a big–

“Love it. Thank you, Lola.” Selina gives the woman a big ol’ hug. Lola also may have a job for her. That’s a double whammy of good luck! Now all she needs is a good lay. Is Batman available these days? Heh heh. Yuck.

So, Selina heads on over to hotel where a Russian mob has booked a suite and hired a gaggle of prostitutes! Selina thought about posing as one of the prostitutes, but she didn’t want to be groped. Allegedly. “They make sure the escorts don’t speak Russian. This way they can unwind. But I know Russian. So I’ll be tending bar. And listening.”

Oooooh, espionage! Sexy stuff. Selina wears a long, red wig and listens in on all the dirt: Cars. Soccer. Penis size. DVD scams. Dead Asian mob lieutenants. Blah blah blah. Where’s the real dirt, goddamnit? This is piddling stuff! I haven’t got time for this Mickey Mouse bullshit!

Man, there are no good panels here I can use for the commentary. How’s that for a bad sign? I’ll give it this, though – the art is fantastic. A real treat for the ol’ eyeballs.

OK, how about this panel. This is a good one.

Meh. Maybe not.

So, Selina overhears a couple of guys talk about stealing back a horse painting that another crew lifted off of them. It’s worthless, but it had been in the clan for over a hundred years! At this point, it’s bad luck not to have it.

“He’s willing to go to war over some worthless painting?”

“It’s not worthless if he wants to go to war over it. Because of that, it has great value.”

Ah, ok. Loud and clear. That definitively validates every war that has ever been fought. Good work, gentlemen. Selina is quite intrigued, though. If this painting is very valuable to some, then they’re willing to shell out a lot of cold, hard rubles to get it back.

Suddenly, Selina hears a voice she recognizes from a man named Renaldi. He should be locked up in prison right now! But he’s not! Why ain’t he?!

Selina has a past with this guy, but I don’t know what it might be whatsoever. Something weird and rapey. Anyway, she follows Renaldi into the bathroom and shows him her bare midriff and gives him the ol’ sex eyes.

“You are a bartender, right?”

“I am. But I have many other skills.”

“Vell. You should know… I am not easily impressed.”

“Good. I like a challenge.”

And then she, like, smashes his face against the sink counter top. Who’s easily impressed now? Bitch. She also slashes him with her sharp fingernails. Really fucks this guy up to high heaven! “GAAARRGHHH!” he is heard to scream.

Simply crazed, this chick.

RRAAWWRR!! CHECK PLEASE!

“Damn it. Not watching the clock. My chloroformed barkeep is a lot less chloroformed. Can’t slink out of here unnoticed. So what?”

“Let them notice.”

So she turns into Catwoman immediately and whips her way through the room, cat o’ nine tailsing the shit out of the Russian clientele and their many, many whores. Just frothing into a frenzy, knocking out big, burly men and big, burly prostitutes with ease and grace. “Hookers screaming. Gangsters shouting in Russian. I barely hear it.” She slams a man into the wall with her knees, hard enough to crack the wall. “I just want to go home.”

In the penthouse suite at the Hotel Belle Monico where she’s squatting with her 17 cats, Selina misses her shitty, rundown apartment WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN Batman shows up to bid her some condolences WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN she starts laying some fat smooches on his face. “He tastes like metal. He uses an ointment or something to keep his exposed flesh safe. I’ve grown to like it. A lot.”

Batman pushes her away like “slow your roll, ho”.

How about a roll in the hay, sailor.

He says he’s only hear to ask her what the holy fucking fuck she’s doing. Putting others in danger? Putting yourself in danger? Have you gone cuckoo bananas, lady?

So then she tackles him like a cuckoo bananas lady. Unhinged as all getout. Looney Tunes. After he is ground-bound, she kisses him again. Digs her claws into him like some sort of cat woman.

Then he starts ripping her clothes off.

“This isn’t the first time. Usually it’s because I want him. Tonight I think it’s because I need him. Every time… he protests. Then… gives in. And he seems… angry.”

Batman nibbles on Catwoman’s neck. Her eyes are rolled back like there’s anything sexy about this at all. There isn’t.

“But that doesn’t slow either of us down. Still… it doesn’t take long… and most of the costumes stay on…”

Final Thoughts

Cool fucking, idiots. I can already see why no one likes this trash.

Looking forward to Issue #2! See you in the funny papers, you sluts!