Welcome to Ghostliness & Nerfherders Presents: Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #11 – “Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 4)”! In the previous installment, Chewie and C-3PO fly to Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON) in order to find Luke and get him out of Nar Shaddaa (THE SMUGGLER’S MOON). Meanwhile, Luke’s getting ready to fight in Grakkus the Hutt’s arena,

Sana and Leia strike a deal to give Han back to Sana and away from Leia. That’s funny.

The issue ends with a Binks guy talking to a bounty hunter about Chewie. I don’t know who the bounty hunter is. We’ll see where that goes, too. I don’t care much about that! But now we need the Rebellion to save Luke Skywalker before Grakkus has him killed. Or worse: turned into an anime fan! AHHHHHH!!!!

Star Wars (Vol. 2), Issue #11 [January, 2016]
Written by: Jason Aaron
“Book II: Showdown on the Smugglers’ Moon (Part 4)”

C-3PO is whining to Chewie already. “Grakkus the Hutt’s palace is impenetrable” this, and “we can’t sneak inside” that.

“Oh, poor Master Luke. I fear he’s quite doomed.”

“HHHGGGGGGGH”

Good conversations abound! According to C-3PO’s translations, Chewie is looking to fight their way in! “If you ask me,” C-3PO responds, “that’s exactly the sort of reckless behavior that got Artoo and Master Luke into trouble in the first place.”

While these two are “talking”, someone off-panel shoots Chewie with an electricity bullet from an electricity gun! You know, if those actually exist. “Hello, Chewbacca.” It’s Mr. Bounty Hunter the Sir, fresh as a daisy. “Jabba sends his regards.”

This one is looking for Han Solo, but he is chagrined to find out that he isn’t present at the moment. Maybe come back after tea time. “Call him. Tell him Dengar’s looking for him.”

C-3PO is like “oh dear, oh my, I suppose I have to step in and fix this situation”. He picks the bullet off of Chewie, which was still sending electricity coursing through his person. C-3PO then gets electrocuted and hella collapses in a fit of scrambled circuitry and horse semen. Dengar is despondent that the droid shorted out his shock bolt, and then points his gun at the smoldering Wookiiee. “Well come on then, Big Guy. There’s a lot more where that came from.”

Chewbacca screams in large red letters. He’s unhappy! See, I can speak Wookiiee sometimes.

Meanwhile, a cuffed Luke gets shuffled down a corridor by two armed guards. “Ready for your big day, my boy?” squelches Grakkus. Time’s a-wastin’, and there’s a very big crowd out there waiting to see you eat your own butt, my friend! MOVE IT!

Sounds fun, actually! Are tickets still available?

Luke dies if he fights and he’ll die if he doesn’t fight. It’s win-win for everyone! Grakkus is going to have Luke taxidermied and hanging up next to…THIS! *shows him Obi-Wan’s diary* Ha ha, lots of smutty fantasies in this thing!

Now you’ve done it. Luke loses his cool. “So full of anger, this one. No wonder he’s not much of a Jedi.” Grakkus waves him away and instructs the guards to hand him a lightsaber, then they shove him out into the arena.

“BEHOLD, THE LAST OF THE JEDI!” We get to hear color commentator Jim Nantz rile up the crowd! Luke makes mentally-challenged faces. The crowd is underwhelmed as fuck.

Luke’ opponent is Kongo the Disemboweler, who looks like a mean and scary demon right out of  the Doom (1993) video game! Blocky graphics and all! He’s about three feet taller than Luke and he’s going to murder this bitch. Just smear him across the floor like a pile of rank feces.

“LET THE GAMES BEGIN!”

Luke doesn’t look scared at all! He readies his lightsaber, determined. Ignorant of the consequences of fighting Kongo the Disemboweler (a disemboweling).

Meanwhile, Han whines to Leia about the little deal she and Sana made. When they reach Nar Shaddaa, Leia’s getting the boot off of Sana’s ship and then Sana and Han will live happily ever after, amen.

Han is insistent that Sana is not his wife, and he won’t shut up about it for literally four issues now. Leia heads into her quarters and slams the door in Han’s face. He starts spilling the beans through the door, including tidbits but not limited to:

-He actually did marry Sana.

-For pretend.

-As part of a scheme to get back at a crime lord.

-Who owned a gambling den.

-So he staged a big event as a front for the break-in.

-And it had to look real.

-So do you believe me?

Whatever. What’s Chewie up to?

GGRRRRRHH to you too, big boy.

Chewie’s fighting the bounty hunter. Chewie’s better at fighting. The bounty hunter tries to pick up his gun, but then Chewie picks up his neck.

And then the bounty hunter presses a switch and something blows up right on top of Wookiee Jones. GRRRGGHHH. RRRGGHHHH. RHHRHRHRHRH. You know the drill. “Oh, don’t you go dying on me yet, Fuzzy. Not until your far-more-valuable partner shows up. You’ll make better bait if you’re still able to scream.”

Of course, Chewie does look quite dead! C-3PO certainly looks dead. All the good guys died. And speaking for good guys dying, Luke is flailing around an arena. Let’s check back.

“Kongo is augmented with deep-core drilling armor,” explains the GAMEMASTER to Grakkus. “It won’t be easy to hack through that. Not even with a lightsaber.” So, basically, Luke is toast. Toast with butter and jam. Strawberry jam. Yum.

Remember when Michael Jackson owned the Elephant Man’s bones? That guy was fucking weird, man. Good thing he’s dead!

The Gamemaster has taken a liking to Luke for reasons that are likely stupid and ridiculous. He sneaks away from Grakkus’ side and contacts his unknown accomplice via Apple Watch. “This is Agent 5241,” says the Gamemaster. “If you want the Jedi alive, you’d better hurry.”

“Copy that, Agent. We are en route now. Stand by for further orders.”

TIE fighters are on their way to scoop up young Luke while he cries about trying to find the Force and not get hella disemboweled. “Just close my eyes and use the…” While he has his eyes closed, Luke gets thrown across the arena! lmao

“Okay, so… closing my eyes… doesn’t always work,” he mumbles on the ground, lightsaber fizzing and popping like it’s slightly damaged. Kongo roars rather loudly. The crowd is going wild! Kongo approaches, ready for a hearty disemboweling!

Chewie is getting his ass tore up too, so Luke’s not the only one in such a boat. Oh, he’s fighting back, but he’s kind of being an injured wuss about it. “WHERE IS HAN SOLO?!” the bounty hunter snarls… then he gets shot in the back with one of them phaser gun dealies. “Right here, ugly,” says the unknown assailant! (It’s Han Solo.)

“Now take your damn hands off my friend.”

Final Thoughts

HAN SOLO GONNA GET HIS GROOVE BACK, BABY. The last hanging thread is Luke, and I sure hope he is able to stay alive and get away from the *snoooooorre*